Ashamed...who have I become? Desperate plea for help

[Marzipan_girl]

Apologies for also posting this on 3rd tri...I just need all the answers I can get. If it's against the rules, please delete...

I'm in desperate need of help right now...I am at the end of my tether and feel I am cracking up. I don't know who to turn to or what to do.

I have had the most bizzaire pregnancy right from the beginning really. I guess the moment I found out I was pregnant should have forshadowed all the difficulties to come.
My boyfriend of broke up with me when I told him I was pregnant and wouldn't have an abortion. He did everything in his strength to make me have one...called me everything under the sun and only kept contact because I threatened with the CSA.
Sometime around 16 weeks when I had my gender scan (not sure if thats relevant or not...but he seemed quite thrilled it was a boy)he realised that whether he liked it or not, he was going to be a father. It was up to him to make the most out of it and be there for his son or just ignore it and live with that decision for the rest of his life.
He started talking to me again, and we started becoming really close. I was so happy at the change...he chose the name, started talking to my tummy...seemed actually optimistic about it all. I started spending almost all my time at his house because I felt safe with him and we got on really well most of the time. And even though he said we wouldn't ever end up together again, we basically acted as if we were in a relationship. He even said he loved me and Rory (our unborn son).

So the 1st trimester was horrendous. The 2nd was great. Then came the 3rd. I suffer from terrible depression and anxiety. As the pregnancy progressed so has my anxiety, and I started demanding alot more from him. I felt scared to be away from him, and wanted to be at his house all the time. He wanted space to do whatever with his friends. I felt angry and resentful, because I felt since i'm carrying his child, and we are in this together, he should be there for me.
At first I put up with it, and didn't say anything to avoid seeming so needy. But the last few weeks have been crazy. I don't even know myself anymore. I've become a madwoman and have driven him away completely. First with emotional blackmail ("I'm so depressed how can you do this to me!") and then progressing to outright blackmail. ("if you don't look after me you will never see your son, and I will be contacting the CSA!") It came to the latter when I was in hospital last week due to heavy bleeding. I wanted him to visit me...he did a bit then said he didn't want to drive all the way to the hospital and back as it would be 3 hours of his day wasted when he needed to do his work for his masters degree. Then I wanted to be picked up when I was discharged and he said he would...untill the last minute he told me to get a cab as he needed to work.
What pissed me off is he expected me to pay £70 for a cab so he could to his work rather than pick me up, yet the next night he went out drinking from half 6 untill the next day!
I was so upset, but I know it didn't warrant such blackmail. I shouldn't have said he couldn't see his son.

He has a holiday booked for vegas next week for 2 weeks. Because of the bleeding, the hospital want to induce me at 36 weeks on Monday. He told me all along he would be there for the birth and would cancel it if his son came early. Now he's gone back on his word. He says he hates me now, despises me. Says he wishes he never met me and i'm easily the worst thing that has ever happened to him. So now he's going anyway.
I asked him why he would do that, choose to go to vegas over his sons birth. He told me because it wouldn't affect Rory in anyway, the only reason I want him there is for myself. So I told him to piss off, and stay out of our lives.
He has now said...."fine...I cannot cope with this manipulation anymore. If this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life, then I cannot be involved in Rory's life. I will not sacrafice everything I have worked for to end up a bitter man fighting to see his son."

So here I am. A total wreck...crying my eyes out and not sure where to turn. I know I shouldn't have expected so much from someone who isn't my husband or even boyfriend...but he gave me reason to expect it with his promises. I felt safe knowing he was there. Now he isn't. I don't know what to do. I've driven him away and now my son doesn't have a dad. And I don't have anyone. Only my mum...who I am greatful for but all I really want is support from my childs father. All my friends are off to uni...i'm having a baby on my own.

I really don't know where to go from here. I know I am wrong. I know I have said the wrong things and used my child as a pawn to get what I wanted for my own emotional needs. And now it's too late. I have been in bed all day crying...wanting to die. I feel so alone. All I want is for him to call me and say he will be there...
but now he hates me and wont be. How can I get through this? How can I feel better? I want to die!!!

 

[aob1013]

Hun i am a bit busy right now and i will reply in detail later on but please please please talk to somebody asap. Your Mum, MW, anybody. You sound really upset

Pregnancy does turn us into witches, i was dreadful but the craziness does stop once baby is here i promise.

As for the FOB, i think he may be too upset to stay for baby's birth. I'm not too sure what to suggest hun, i think you may have to give him some space for a while. Give him a few days to calm down and then try and contact him.

xoxox

 

[Brionybaby]

Didn't want to read and run but xxx

 

[xx~Lor~xx]

Obviously you are really upset by all of this. It's a really difficult situation that you're in. I can't really relate to you much.. but I've definately gone through the whole 'needing OH there all the time' Even though I know he's not your OH, but he's still the father, so its similar...

When you're pregnant you do get all these crazy hormones, and they do sometimes make you act like 'crazy bitch', they certainly did me. Especially when you are nearing the end and you're afraid.

I know you don't want to hear this.. but I think you just need to back off and give FOB a bit of space. Of course he should be there for you because you are pregnant with his son.. I'd say he should cancel his trip if that's what he said, he'll regret missing the birth of his son, but it's is decision at the end of the day. Make sure you get some support from other people. He will come around, he was just angry when he said he can't be involved in his son's life, he will want to be, it's just said in anger.

Hope this helps even the slightest.. chin up hun.

xoxox

 

[mommieoftwo]

Hugs hun.
I was the bitch from hell in my first pregnancy. The FOB(now my husband) was with another girk when I got pregnant, I told her being spitefful and things just worked out for me and Lucas.
In all fairness FOB shouldnt go back on his word, tell him you really want him to be there and to be involved in your sons life and if he goes to vegas you fear he may not bond with the child properly because he wasn't at the birth or something

 

[mayb_baby]

xxxxx

 

[Desi's_lost]

Deff talk to someone and give your fob space. Chances are he will be on the alert for a little while and if you keep trying to make contact, he will just feel he has more reason to avoid you.. You're lo is so close to being here, keep thinking of him and how much you will love him and how busy he will keep you.

 

[celestek89]

i dont really have much advice, just please try and talk to someone about this babe xox

 

[lovetaralyn]

Hey, I just wanted to say I also suffer from anxiety and depression. Fell free to PM me if you want! I have felt the same at times and it has really gotten worse since the pregnancy has gone on. My OH and I have had problems at times due to both of us having depression and him wanting space and me feeling overly needy. The fact I need more attention right now has put a lot of strain on us at times, so I know how you feel. Just try and not blame yourself, and I would talk to your doctor and try and not stay by yourself right now. I promise things get better!

 

[nadinek]

id let him go. he doesn't sound like he'll really be there for you and it doesn't sound like you've done nearly enough for him to be acting like this. It's prob not what you want to hear but he doesn't sound like he's worth it. Most women get moody when they're preggers, but most men wouldn't tell you to get a cab home when you've been through so much or be happy to nick off to Vegas when their son's going to be born early. He just ain't worth it hon. I'm glad you've got your ma.

it can seem tough having a baby on your own, but far better that than having one with a guy who doesn't want it and who'll make your life hell. You're not really manipulating him, he's just saying that to upset ya and as an excuse for him not manning up. So sorry hon, you don't deserve this.

 

[Croc-O-Dile]

From what you've said of FOB previously, you really don't need him. Sure, you may have said things that weren't right or you didn't mean. But if I remember correctly, didn't he also waste a bunch of money on drugs and shit and was pretty horrible to you?
The things you've told me he said/done aren't things that a real man would do.
He may have changed and I may be completely wrong, but if he is the same then sweetie, cut your losses.

Did you ever contact a therapist? I really think one would help you. Like I've said before, you're such a wonderful person and you'll be a wonderful mother. You just need to have some faith in yourself.

When I was in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, when everything went down with FOB and the cops, I found it hard to even get out of bed. I just slept all the time. I was so depressed and was actually dreading the birth of my daughter because of the whole mess. It wasn't until I was in labor that I actually was able to put it behind me and look forward to meeting her.
So I know what it's like to be so depressed that you just want to die, even though you're pregnant and love your child.

I'm sure I've told you this before, but when you're having those thoughts about wanting to die, think of the small reason why you have to live. Like if you died, who would feed your cat? You don't want your cat to die, which would happen if you weren't here to feed him. How about any birthdays coming up? You don't want to die so close to someone's birthday that you ruin it for them, right?
Sometimes thinking of the big things, like how everyone would miss you, etc. don't do much good because we might not always feel that it's true. But the little things, the day to day things, can sometimes hold more power over us then the big things.

I really do hope you start to feel better. If you ever need to talk, you can always pm or fb me. I might not get back to you right away, but I'll try my hardest to asap.

xxxxxxxxxx

 

[Eskimobabys]

You are Waaaay too Dependant on him and thats not healthy for either of you. i agree you should seek help of some kind. he doesnt sound like the best person to have around you or ur son anyhow(from what i can tell form ur previous post) he doesnt even want to witness his son entering the world even if my DH and i weren't together or if i was the biggest bitch(which i can be at times) he would go thur hell and high water to be at his babies birth. you need to talk to ur midwife ur little boy needs u and is Dependant on you so be strong for him and dont look for strength in other ppl. GL hun

 

[newmommy23]

seems to me he's been manipulating you. Just saying. Please talk to your doctor....and I would let him go.

 

[LJaydow]

I think it would be to your advantage if you spoke to someone about this, even if it is your midwife, mum or a friend. If you really want this man to know why you have been acting like you have, copy and paste what you have written down here, and post it to him. The ball is then in his court and if he can see past the emotions and whatever has happened then it is his choice to either come round or stay away. At least if he knows, you know that you have explained yourself and have done as much as you can to explain.

Saying this, the main priority is YOU at the moment - get your head back on track for you and your son. I would get the birth done and really bond with your son and feel happy before inviting this man back into your life.

I hope all goes well.
x

 

[Dopeyjopey]

Hun... i went through EXACTLY the same thing. And i mean exactly. The only difference was he thought i was saying i would cut him out but i wasn't. Even right down to him having arranged to go away instead of being at the birth. He did end up coming to the birth and we were getting on really well but started aleeping together. It all went a bit tits up but...

I'm doing so much better! I have realised that i don't need him and i am strong enough to do it alone. FOB can see his son as much as he likes and i'l never stop him. He just won't be having him on his own because he is taking drugs.

Give him a bit of time to cool off and i'm sure you'll be able to do what's best for your son x

 

[lovetaralyn]

From what you've said of FOB previously, you really don't need him. Sure, you may have said things that weren't right or you didn't mean. But if I remember correctly, didn't he also waste a bunch of money on drugs and shit and was pretty horrible to you?
The things you've told me he said/done aren't things that a real man would do.
He may have changed and I may be completely wrong, but if he is the same then sweetie, cut your losses.

Did you ever contact a therapist? I really think one would help you. Like I've said before, you're such a wonderful person and you'll be a wonderful mother. You just need to have some faith in yourself.

When I was in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, when everything went down with FOB and the cops, I found it hard to even get out of bed. I just slept all the time. I was so depressed and was actually dreading the birth of my daughter because of the whole mess. It wasn't until I was in labor that I actually was able to put it behind me and look forward to meeting her.
So I know what it's like to be so depressed that you just want to die, even though you're pregnant and love your child.

I'm sure I've told you this before, but when you're having those thoughts about wanting to die, think of the small reason why you have to live. Like if you died, who would feed your cat? You don't want your cat to die, which would happen if you weren't here to feed him. How about any birthdays coming up? You don't want to die so close to someone's birthday that you ruin it for them, right?
Sometimes thinking of the big things, like how everyone would miss you, etc. don't do much good because we might not always feel that it's true. But the little things, the day to day things, can sometimes hold more power over us then the big things.

I really do hope you start to feel better. If you ever need to talk, you can always pm or fb me. I might not get back to you right away, but I'll try my hardest to asap.

xxxxxxxxxx

I couldn't have said it better.

 

[ablacketer]

I dont get what all of you are seeing??? If I were being blackmailed into everything for someone I wasnt in a relationship with, I would run too.

You need to talk to someone hun. This isnt entirely on him, you have chased him off. we are all grumpy at times but threatening to keep him from his son isnt going to get you anywhere.

 

[newmommy23]

some of her other posts have shown his actual nature a bit better. poor girl is obviously very down right now and is making him seem very innocent. from what I recall he has done a lot of fucked up stuff to her in the pregnancy.....I mean leaving someone because they are pregnant is a good start on the douche train.

 

[Desi's_lost]

He has been playing games with her throughout the entire pregnancy, giving her false hope then tearing her down again. he's not a nice guy..besides, she wants him to be there for their son, regardless of how she acts why should he abandon his child? there is no justification for that.

 

[ablacketer]

I must not have seen the other posts, but still. black mail isnt the answer. OP needs to talk to someone, professionally.