At a loss

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by wunderkat12, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. wunderkat12

    wunderkat12 New Member

    Jul 19, 2019
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    Hi -

    So 3 weeks ago I went to my gyn office b/c i was having horrible cramps and bleeding. I didn't know what was happening, b/c I have never had a period like that before. Anyway, within 25 minutes I was told I was pregnant but having a miscarriage at the same time. I couldn't process all of that all at once. My boyfriend of 2 years has been wanting a baby, but we haven't actively been trying as we just weren't ready yet. I have two kids from a previous marriage, and we just weren't ready to have a baby. Anyway, I didn't want to hurt him b/c I know how much he wants a baby, though we have agreed it is not the right time. I am also 40 years old, so fertility issues are in the back of my mind anyway. With all of that being said, I felt like telling him would be more of a tease than anything else, like "hey, im pregnant, but now im not anymore" ... I really just didn't know how to tell him. With that, I sat on it for about 2 weeks. I wanted to tell him, but I wanted to protect him from feeling the pain too. I also think maybe I didn't want him to think i was defective in some way b/c I am 40, and maybe he would think that I can't carry a baby to term....anyway, I ended up telling him the other night, and he is pissed at me for not telling him sooner. I can understand it if he had known i was pregnant, but he didn't...neither did I. This was all very sudden. Now he is telling me that I kept this from him b/c I am selfish. We have a long distance relationship, and I really wanted the timing to be "perfect." but i also didn't know how to tell him. I didn't want to omit the information but I didn't want to hurt him. Am I wrong for not telling him? Am I a horrible person like he says I am for not telling him? Has anyone else ever been in this position? what do I do? what can I say to make him understand? I still haven't dealt with it b/c honestly i wasn't more than 5 weeks when it happened, and I didn't know I was pregnant. I am starting to deal with this now, and am completely alone. I can't tell my parents b/c my mom will just say "why the hell aren't you on birth control?" I knew the instant I got pregnant with my 2 kids, I just knew,,,but i had no similar symptoms or anything, nor were we trying, if anything we were trying not to by using ovulation sticks and pulling out. Anyway, I am hurt that he thinks I did this to keep it from him, b/c that wasn't my intent. Anyone have any advice?
  2. maybebby

    maybebby Well-Known Member

    Oct 15, 2012
    Likes Received:
    Hugs! I'm so sorry for your loss, chances are hes just as hurt as you and well, unfortunately, men arent the best with dealing with emotions at times. Id give him a bit to calm down then try to talk about it together calmly. You can't change the past and can only look to the future.

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