It's really tough.. The earliest I get out of here is Monday but it's going to be atleast a week for Riley
I don't know how I'm going to be able to leave with him still here.. but I'm making a good recovery and tomorrow I'll have to start walking to the NICU to see him instead of a wheelchair.. They drew my blood this morning and it's looking better so I get to go off the magnesium today and get moved over to the recovery room since I was still on the mag they had me stay in the delivery room..
My veins are tiny and the woman had to draw the blood out of my hand this morning.. She felt bad about doing it and I'm like I just went through labor and a c-section a little needle is nothing!!
I'm hoping to try and get over to see Riley in afew and I'll be moved over to the new room sometime today where I can hopefully atleast wash my hair as I haven't since Wednesday morning..
But now that I'm going off the mag I can get my catheter taken out and the IV is stopped and my blood pressure cuff is off so as soon as the catheters out I'll be cord-free!!!
It's so rough though I don't even feel like a mother yet I feel like the last 9 months have just been a dream although with the c-section I feel my uterus is contracting some and it almost feels like movement it's so weird now that he's out of my belly...
I just know I'm going to suffer bad depression I'm so scared by the time Riley's finally out he'll take forever to adjust being home and wont know who I am or anything it's so hard it makes me want to cry but it hurts if I do because of the incision..
I'm not keeping up with any other threads so if you guys have anything to say to me or tell me even O/T (ofcorse what else is there to talk to me about at this point?) even just announcing something that happened to you that you want me to know (births/scare/ect) just anything go ahead and put it in this thread for me to see because I'm not even bothering with the others but I do read what people post in this one so just anything you want me to know just put it here because I'm still curious if any of you girls went early or how your L/Os are doing I just don't bother reading through hundreds of other pages on other things right now 
I had a dream last night for the first time since being in here and it's really fuzzy but I know it was something like they put him back in me so I could try over again..
I really wish I could just go back to when I was in labor and do something for a different outcome even though there's nothing I could of done except get a c-section earlier on but I'd just go back to when I was in all that pain and go through it and hope that this time he comes out completely healthy and I don't need a c-section and he could be in the room with me it's just so painful to not even feel like a mother yet and all these pains and stuff and I can't even hold my son to feel better.. Everytime I want to get up and see him I try to wait til they feed him (every 4 hours so 12,4 and 8) and so I tell myself I'm going to try and get up and go see him at that time then it comes and I'm extremely tired or in pain it's just really hard with him being there like that and me being in here like this
I feel so bad making my mom or nurses do stuff for me now since I'm not in labor and I keep telling myself I just had a major surgery I need to recover from but I'm still trying to do abunch on my own and it hurts but I feel so bad making my mom jump up to do things for me constantly because I know she needs a break as well..
I think thats all... Sorry I come on here planning to write a short update and write a whole book but it's just so rough and I cant laugh or cry or cough or anything without pain..
I love my little man more then anything in the world and FOB has stopped by to see him and thinks he knows how hard it is with him being in there and stuff and it just annoys the hell out of me because I carried him for 9 months and went through all that pain just to have a c-section and now trying so hard to recover and with Riley in the NICU it makes it so much harder and he tries to say he knows what I'm going through and how hard it is with him being in there and he just has no idea.. I mean I'm not trying to be harsh towards fathers but he's still the same old "boy" and doesn't understand the slightest idea how much it f***ing hurts to go through all this..
Looking at him I don't see him as a father figure towards MY child.. I see him.. and I see my son.. I don't see any relation between them at all..
Ofcorse I don't even see myself as a mother yet so that's a hard thing to say but I just don't see him as a father towards him at all I just see him as him.. like a family friend or something.. I don't feel like this is OUR child I feel like this is MY child and like he doesn't have the equal rights or same sort of love towards him..
Sorry I meant to end it along time ago but I went off again.. but I'm going to try and get up and get cleaned up a bit and if I'm not to tired and in alot of pain go see Riley..
But like I said anything you want me to know just post it in here :wave:
he will no who you are even hearing your voice he will no. i no what you mean about not feeling like his mum i was the same and it took me a week after being home to actually feel like it because i wasn doing anything for alice when she was in neo natal. dont try and rush yourself because you have had a major operation and if you dont recover whilst you have the time now its going to be harder when you do have riley back. hope you both make a quick recovery and hes back with you as soon as possible. jus remember hes not there for no reason and i no its hard but it feels so special when he finally does get to be with you. xx
