Baby

[erher]

Hi

 

[DobbyForever]

I think that’s totally fair. Not everyone wants a bump buddy.

My suggestions are recognize there is nothing wrong with wanting to be special and separate, so be honest if it’s really bothering you/it comes up. I don’t know how to phrase it though so I do say vent here mostly.

Just make sure you feel special. Book appointments apart from each other. Have separate showers. Do things to honor you and DH. Get maternity photos done. Do the bulk of your shopping without them.

My cousin was pregnant when I was and I basically gave zero poops, but that’s Because i’m Not close to her. I loved being the mom to the first grandbaby and first great grandbaby on both sides. I loved not sharing the spotlights. But next time around I hope I can be pregnant with a friend, if I ever get the opportunity.

 

[IsaacRalph]

I think the fact that it's taken them almost 2 years to actually get pregnant perhaps you should just enjoy this time for them and get more involved. It's really not an issue in the great sceme of things. Women have been having babies for millions of years, it won't stop just because you are pregnant. I have found that it's nice to have another friend or family member to enjoy it with and talk about etc. Not worth worrying About!

 

[Hickory]

I think the fact that it's taken them almost 2 years to actually get pregnant perhaps you should just enjoy this time for them and get more involved. It's really not an issue in the great sceme of things. Women have been having babies for millions of years, it won't stop just because you are pregnant. I have found that it's nice to have another friend or family member to enjoy it with and talk about etc. Not worth worrying About!

That's some tough love advice, and I'd like to add my take on it. It's true that your brother and his wife have been on a long and challenging journey, so recognizing and celebrating that for them shows character and empathy on your part. You don't have to be bump buddies, but I suspect that taking a proactive approach will help you feel more in control. Stand up and do everything uniquely for you, be assertive, take ownership of your pregnancy and let them have theirs. When you talk to them or when they come up in conversation with others, just stand tall and know that your pregnancy is yours. Talk about your own, listen to/about theirs, and deflect comparisons.

I think posting here and being honest about your feelings is a huge deal. That alone shows character and a desire to improve the situation. Remember, it's always ok to feel whatever you are feeling at any given moment for any reason in the world ... it's what you do about it that defines you.

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

My cousin's wife was pregnant with their first and due a month before my long awaited second. There was a lot of talk about doing stuff together and our girls being close friends because of how close they are in age. None of that happened though. And while we did have some comparisons I pointed out the differences as well. Lots of times people just don't know what to say so they just say whatever random nonsense pops into their head, it's not really got anything to do with you. My fall back response has always started "My doctors said ..." to help remind people that I have educated professionals whose opinion I trust and whom I would consult if I were worried about something.

Even if you weren't preggo at the same time as someone else who is close to you, you'd still get comparisons and ignorant comments ("whoa you're huge, are you sure there is just 1 in there"/"you are tiny, are you sure you are pregnant and didn't just have a big lunch").

I'm sure the other mum wants her pregnancy to be special as well. I wouldn't worry too much about her encroaching on yours, but if it did start happening or people started talking about having a combined shower, I'd politely let them know that you think each baby deserves to be celebrated in their own right. Or, for a non-confrontational approach, just say you aren't available any of the days they try to schedule something combined...

 

[vaniilla]

I think the previous poster put it perfectly, just point out that each baby deserves to be celebrated in their own right. Every baby is very special to their parents, they may feel exactly like you do. Try not to dwell on it, be happy that they're finally able to have a baby and enjoy your pregnancy.

 

[WhisperGirl]

You can be happy for them but make sure that people know you don't want to share your experience. You don't have to have baby showers the same time.
If it makes you feel better, this is my 6th baby and I know it will be bought next to nothing just like my other 5. People rarely visit and no one has ever offered me a night out in the 13 years I've been a mum. It puts things into perspective that you can very much make it just about you and baby's dad. It's not about anyone but you and the one you love and the little life inside you. No one can take any aspect of your experience from You, but just be mindful that you're lucky to have family who are going to make a big deal of you and and both the babies as rightly they should. You're getting a little new niece or nephew too and I'd love to be able to see mine but my brother is a horrible person.

 

[amytrisha]

Honestly I’m sure once your babies arrive and you’ve got somebody to go to the parenting groups with, a little person for your little person to grow up with, you’ll LOVE it. X

 

[hellojello25]

I get that. My son and his cousin were born two weeks apart and the faaaaaamily compares them at every point. It's not really fair to anybody, but we did have separate showers and we do almost everything separately except some get-togethers on holidays. We make sure not to share birthday parties too.

The pregnancies were compared as well, but not by us. The faaaaaamily compared them. We even have the same name, so it was a little frustrating. I'm sure it was frustrating for her too. I have no advice in that arena except to just say no to things that you don't want to do. If someone suggests a shared shower, shut it down. You don't have to give a reason why.

I will say, it is nice to have another child for my son to play with with at get-togethers, since all his other cousins are older. But that's really the only time we ever see them. Our lives are separate.

 

[bdb84]

Here's what I know.

I was the first child of my parents' to get pregnant and so I was excited to have the first grandchild. Then, 6 months later, my brother and his fiance announced they were also expecting. I felt jealousy and resentment. I worried my baby would be pushed aside once their's was born because he would be 6 months old and no longer that squishy little newborn that most people prefer to gush over.

But what I didn't know was how close my son and his first little cousin would grow to be. They are now both 12 years old and the closest of friends/cousins. They adore each other and I adore their relationship. I'm SO THANKFUL they got pregnant when they did because, had they not, my son would not have this lifelong best buddy that just so happens to also be his first cousin.

As for your SIL's partying hobbies- give her a chance. I know lots of people (my younger brother included- not the one I mentioned above) who had some pretty atrocious extra curriculars but went cold turkey the moment he found out he truly was going to be a father and is now one of the most loving, involved parents that I know.

 

[dizzy65]

 

[erher]

Here's what I know.

I was the first child of my parents' to get pregnant and so I was excited to have the first grandchild. Then, 6 months later, my brother and his fiance announced they were also expecting. I felt jealousy and resentment. I worried my baby would be pushed aside once their's was born because he would be 6 months old and no longer that squishy little newborn that most people prefer to gush over.

But what I didn't know was how close my son and his first little cousin would grow to be. They are now both 12 years old and the closest of friends/cousins. They adore each other and I adore their relationship. I'm SO THANKFUL they got pregnant when they did because, had they not, my son would not have this lifelong best buddy that just so happens to also be his first cousin.

As for your SIL's partying hobbies- give her a chance. I know lots of people (my younger brother included- not the one I mentioned above) who had some pretty atrocious extra curriculars but went cold turkey the moment he found out he truly was going to be a father and is now one of the most loving, involved parents that I know.

Hello,
I can’t tell you enough how wonderful it was to read your reply. I want to thank you for not judging my feelings, but relating and sharing your positive experience. Truly helpful.

 

[erher]

My cousin's wife was pregnant with their first and due a month before my long awaited second. There was a lot of talk about doing stuff together and our girls being close friends because of how close they are in age. None of that happened though. And while we did have some comparisons I pointed out the differences as well. Lots of times people just don't know what to say so they just say whatever random nonsense pops into their head, it's not really got anything to do with you. My fall back response has always started "My doctors said ..." to help remind people that I have educated professionals whose opinion I trust and whom I would consult if I were worried about something.

Even if you weren't preggo at the same time as someone else who is close to you, you'd still get comparisons and ignorant comments ("whoa you're huge, are you sure there is just 1 in there"/"you are tiny, are you sure you are pregnant and didn't just have a big lunch").

I'm sure the other mum wants her pregnancy to be special as well. I wouldn't worry too much about her encroaching on yours, but if it did start happening or people started talking about having a combined shower, I'd politely let them know that you think each baby deserves to be celebrated in their own right. Or, for a non-confrontational approach, just say you aren't available any of the days they try to schedule something combined...

Hello,
Thank you for your response. I’m very grateful to have read it. I appreciate the positive feedback more than you know. Thank you for acknowledging my situation.

 

[corgankidd]

When I got pregnant with my first I had to share it with so many people! I don't know what was in the water at that time, but me, my sister in law, my cousin, and 4 of my closest friends all got pregnant within a month of each other! I'm happy to say that no one ever suggested a combined shower for any of us (though we do have some combined birthday parties now, which is awesome cause bday parties are expensive!) But having all of these kids at the same time has been such a blessing!! My son and his cousin are 2 weeks apart and keep each other entertained for hours when we get together. My friend's kids and my son are all in the same kindergarten class and since they have all been together since the day they were born they are all so close! They absolutely love each other and are all practically siblings.
It was annoying sometimes when we would get compared to each other while pregnant or the early stages of our kids development, but the benefits of having family/friends with kids close in age I think far outweighs the short term disadvantages!
It'll all be ok. Try to enjoy having someone to go through it with. Its nice to have a sympathetic ear during pregnancy and newborn stage when you feel no one else understands what you're going through.

 

[Cewsbaby]

Lol, I have been in your situation not once but twice with the same Sister in law! Both of our pregnancies our boys were born 6 weeks apart. Thankfully, we are good friends so it was fun to be able to ask her questions while dealing with my first pregnancy as she was ahead of me. This time it was easier because it was round two but it was a bit of a shock to hear she was pregnant (after 2 miscarriages) and I had literally just found out that day. I do get the jealously issues though. Because she lives near family and we don't (DH is military) she got a huge shower for both boys and with this one hardly anyone did anything and that did make me pretty upset TBH.

Just try and be there as much as you can for her but don't ever put yourself in a situation that will stress you out. Not good for you or the baby. I hope things work out for you though...