Baby Shower dilemma

[lisaf]

This is mainly for US girls, since I know baby showers aren't common around the rest of the world.

I'm kind of confused on what to do about my baby shower(s). There are a few things going on that make it more complicated.

I'm from Northern california and have lots of family up there. But everyone is pretty far spread out.
My best friends who want to throw me a shower are 5-7 hours away from me. My mother in law also wants to throw me a shower.
I figure, ok, fine, I'll have 2 showers, one up north and one down here.

I just don't know want it to end up being pathetic.
I don't have tons of friends, those I do have are all spread out. I don't want to invite people just for a gift grab, but I don't have that many people to invite anyway (I'd be inviting them just so it was fun and more than a few people, not for the gifts if that makes sense).

The shower up north will be the 2 friends throwing it, and basically family. There are 2 friends that I think are in range geographically, but I haven't seen either of them in ages and I don't know if they'd come (we're in touch more on facebook but haven't seen each other in a long time). Even the family is a few hours away and may not want to come just for a baby shower. A few would definitely come, I'm just saying it may be my friends hosting and 5 other guests.
There are a few friends of my friend that I really got along with and would probably be friends with too if they didn't live 7 hours away. But it seems weird to invite them to my shower.

As for the shower down here, again I don't have tons of friends who would probably drive here and only one who lives in town... I have a few work friends but haven't kept in touch with some of them and it still feels like a gift grab to invite those I am in touch with. So it will be mostly in-laws and family. The few friends I have in town... well its a long story but there is a lot of tension between them and my in-laws over one of them dating my brother in law years ago and his best friend stealing her away etc.... its stupid and it happened 10+ years ago and its totally blown out of proportion etc but they're stubborn and holding a grudge.

If I combined the showers, there would be lots of people who wouldn't come just because of the distance involved.

Feeling kind of sad/pathetic about this and almost don't want to bother
I can only compare to my other friends who had showers and they had tons of friends at their showers or family etc.
I can think of throwing a co-ed shower so there are more people and it feels like more of a party... but I don't want to add to the expense of those throwing the part either

For the record, I do wish I had a few more friends that I could see locally (every time I make a friend they move away because its very expensive to live here)... but I'm not the type to have a ton of friends in general.... I prefer a few close friends.


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Sorry for the rambling, its not really even clear what I'm asking for advice on, I am just a little anxious/sad about this situation and can't think of any way to make it better.
Perhaps I'll invite people and they'll all come but right now I'm just afraid people will think of it as a greedy gift grab if I invite them but don't usually see them often

 

[Ashley2189]

Would it be within the realm of possibility to combine the two and have a very non-traditional shower, like at a restaurant, somewhere in the middle of both locations? feels like a difficult situation, and i'm not really sure what other advice to give! i can understand not wanting to feel like a gift grabber, but also not wanting the shower to consist of only like 3 people. sorry i'm not much help.

 

[lisaf]

thanks, yeah, the problem is that the 2 locations are 5 hours away.
My mother in law said she'd just go up north to my other shower if I wanted her to instead of throwing me one down here. The problem is, SHE would come, but nobody else from down here would travel 5+ hours just for a shower!
People will travel that far for a wedding, but not a shower.

The people throwing me the shower up north and most of the guests will probably already be traveling 2 hours or so to get there, so to move it further south would make fewer of them come etc.

I think a non-traditional shower at a restaurant would just be more expensive too

 

[missjaime]

baby showers are becoming pretty popular in new zealand i didnt so much have one with my first child although i did recieve a few unexpected gifts. i got asked if i was going to have a baby shower and i said no cause i dont want to organise my own as it would look like i want everyone to get me stuff. i just kept quiet about talking about a shower until a girlfriend of mine asked if i was having one now she is organising one. i have a few different groups of friends and all my family live in the north island while im in the south island. so i imagine it will only be 6 or 7 people coming which for me is perfect. although id rather people come and just have a nice afternoon and not worry about gifts. im the same with my birthday i feel guilty accepting pressies.
if only a couple of people will show up then why not make it a nice afternoon tea and catch up

 

[Jenna_1980]

Lisa - I'm in northern CA too - all of me and my husband's family and friends are spread out all over the country - so I can say that I have some of the same feelings as you. We have decided to do a "gift card" shower - mail me that gift card family! So it's not going to be a big huge shower, and it's co-ed (the more the merrier).

Just go into it with reasonable expectations and it will be wonderful. I think showers are kind of over-doing it for the most part - we're all grown adults and can afford to buy the baby whatever it truly needs. Just enjoy the company.

 

[southerngal2]

I see where you are coming from!
I don't have many friends either so my shower will be mostly family.
But my parents are divorced so there's always the added tension with the families being together. So half my family probably won't show.

No advice on what to do. Hope your showers turn out great.

 

[lisaf]

While I agree about being adults and buying what we need ourselves... SO many people love to buy things for the baby, and I think they have more fun giving the gifts if they get to see you open them and have a party too... much more fun than just buying it and mailing it off (though many people would rather poke their eyes out with forks than attend a baby shower and would much rather just send a gift! and not be bothered, lol!)

I know we could buy it all ourselves, but our MIL actually got irritated that we bought or took care of a lot of the big ticket items ourselves, lol!

 

[lisaf]

I see where you are coming from!
I don't have many friends either so my shower will be mostly family.
But my parents are divorced so there's always the added tension with the families being together. So half my family probably won't show.

No advice on what to do. Hope your showers turn out great.

Lol, yes both my husbands and my families are divorced... I don't think my stepmom will be invited to either one of my showers, but I also don't think she could come since its 4+ hours for her to get to the one closest to where she lives.

 

[MyFavSurprise]

I'm not sure of what advice to give over the distance issue that is tough.

But about feeling like a gift-grabber I totally understand! You can always do the invite and say "you don't need to bring anything I'd just like you to be there and celebrate the baby".. I feel the same way, but what my family keeps telling me is that many women LOVE to have the opportunity to shop for baby items whether you want them to or not!

My family holds a grudge over my boyfriend and I've only recently started bringing him around again... I just try to tell myself that whether they like it or not, he's going to be in my life, and especially for an occasion like this hopefully they could get over it because this is YOUR occasion not theirs! Even if they don't think that way (my family sure doesn't) sometimes it helps if you do.

Good luck!

 

[missjaime]

what do you mean your mother in law was irrated?
arent you mean to be responsible for buying most of it?? since its your baby well thats how i see it or did i read that wrong
i hope this doesnt sound rude

 

[lisaf]

As for the petty gruge thing... I DO feel that they need to get over this stuff, lol... but its craziness talking to them about it sometimes. With our wedding, I mentioned that these were people who were our friends who we wanted there to celebrate our day with us. And my MIL totally agreed, but then the next minute started re-telling one of the petty things (how they were all at a wedding together and how the person that my inlaws hate didn't even have the courtesy to come say hi) and tells about how so-and-so spread rumors about something that was totally untrue (my husband was there and verifies that it WAS true,... but the inlaw involved denies it and his family believes him). Its just all stupid! They just won't let it go.
And FYI... if this involved something like child molestation, I'd understand holding a grudge... but this was over a friend dating my BIL's EX girlfriend (broken up years before).

Its really all so crazy I hate even telling people what the drama really is about, lol!

I know I could invite this friend... but I'm not even sure she'd want to be around those people who are just nuts to her for stupid reasons.

 

[lisaf]

what do you mean your mother in law was irrated?
arent you mean to be responsible for buying most of it?? since its your baby well thats how i see it or did i read that wrong
i hope this doesnt sound rude

My MIL is baby-crazy... if we were using a diaphram for birth control, she would have snuck into my house and poked holes in it!
She's so excited to have another grandchild... her only other one is 17 now and her other children are not likely to give her any

She just wants to rush out and buy everything for us... she really really wanted to buy us a 'big' item like a crib or the stroller. Its not uncommon for grandparents here to want to buy an expensive item like that.
I know people whose parents bought them the entire furniture set etc.

 

[Starry Night]

In the realm of baby-showers people WANT to buy you things. It's not about being irresponsible parents. Especially when the showers are before the baby arrives. I know many people who didn't have to buy a single big-ticket item because family and friends took care of it all. I know I'm not going to have to buy any blankets because my mom and MIL are going to be making us TONS! And when we go to showers we buy other people nice gifts too.

To the OP, lisaf, is there a way of planning a more intimate shower for the smaller group? Sort of plan it as a little get-together of friends instead of a formal shower? It might feel a little less pathetic that way....I understand as I have very few close friends and they're scattered across the globe. So at this point I'm relying on family and church group showers for gifts (I donate nice gifts to other girls' showers...both baby and bridal...so I don't feel greedy for hoping for a few things)

 

[gypsymom]

An idea if you're worried about turn out or if people are going to have fun is having it in a non-traditional location like a restaurant with a private banquet type room. We did this for my best firend's bridal shower since everyone was so spread out. people were willing to travel for a good meal and conversation as opposed to sitting in a living room opening presents (which there is nothing wrong with that, it's what we're doing for mine). Just a suggestion don't know if it helps.

 

[lisaf]

I think both showers will end up being more intimate... I think people expect and want a bit of baby games at showers though there are a few I refuse to do (anything where you guess whats in the diaper is not allowed... also anything that has to do with my weight/size is not allowed, lol!).

I prefer smaller/intimate gatherings, but I remember kind of feeling that my bridal shower was a little pathetic... it was thrown very last-minute but had only family and work friends at it.

(I totally agree with expecting gifts from people that you have given generously to for their bridal/baby showers.... I just dont' want these people I don't see often who haven't gotten married or had babies to feel I'm inviting them just to get a gift... I truly just want more people there so its more fun)

 

[Kate83]

i suggest moving to the UK then you dont have to worry about any of this stuff. Why not scrap it and have a baby open day after bubs is born, then people will make the trek cos they get to squidge baby and who can resist new born baby.

 

[lisaf]

i suggest moving to the UK then you dont have to worry about any of this stuff. Why not scrap it and have a baby open day after bubs is born, then people will make the trek cos they get to squidge baby and who can resist new born baby.

People WANT to throw a shower here, they want to buy gifts. Its just what we do.
With an open day after the baby is born, I may not be up for it, I may not want my kid around too many germs etc...
and no, most people will not drive 6+ hours just to see the baby. They'd then have to make it an overnight trip or drive 12+ hours in one day. Not going to happen.

 

[Kate83]

i would drive 6 hours to squidge a new born!!!

 

[lisaf]

i would drive 6 hours to squidge a new born!!!

And then pay $250 to stay in a hotel, or turn around and drive right back?

 

[Kate83]

turn around and drive right back with the baby still in my arms!!!! run forest run!!