Baby Shower Questions

[Dill]

I just can't believe I'll be 30 weeks tomorrow, and that my baby shower is Saturday! In the words of my husband, "This just keeps getting more real!"

I am lucky enough to have a close coworker throwing my baby shower. Many of my other coworkers will be there. Sadly, I am not sure how many of my family members will be there -- my father is unable to make it, my mother has backed out at least once and remains uncertain (a rant for another day), and my sister won't know if she can come until the day of. My MIL will most likely make it -- she's cutting her vacation short so that she can be there. The other members of our families are out of state and won't be coming.

I feel a little bit weird about having a baby shower. I know it is traditional, and I am extremely grateful for it, and frankly, given the unfortunate string of financial disasters I've encountered in the past two months, it's necessary. But I just can't get past a certain amount of discomfort over people feeling obligated to get us baby gifts -- after all, it was our decision, so why should they have to spend money on our reproduction? Have any of you ladies ever felt hung up on the whole baby shower thing? If so, how did you deal with those feelings of guilt and discomfort? I've always been so fiercely and stubbornly independent, and prone to refusing help even when I need it, so something like this freaks me out even though I realize they're doing it because they care and because they want to. Still... the coworker organizing the shower has apparently spent a fair amount of money on it, and I feel bad about that, too. She hinted that she had to start concealing her spending from her husband!

Also, is there any etiquette that I should be aware of? I keep offering to help my coworker with anything she needs help with, and she keeps insisting that my only obligation is to show up. Obviously, I will be sending thank-you cards to everyone who attends and/or sends gifts, but beyond that, what else do I need to do? Should I bring a gift for the organizer? The party is being held at another coworker's home, so should I bring her a gift (bottle of wine, etc.)?

I feel like I should know these things by my age, but I haven't the foggiest idea. In fact, I've only attended one baby shower in my life (for the coworker organizing mine, actually) and that was just last year. I am clueless!

ONE LAST THING. My sister has indicated that she is probably attending, and that this is largely a "pity" attendance because it's entirely possible that no other members of my family will be attending. She is, however, very vocal and very bitter about not having received a baby shower of her own for any of her children. She initially refused attendance and blew up at my organizer -- whom she has never even met! -- for that reason, and my parents have indicated that she won't stop bringing it up. (Note that she lived almost 4,000 miles away with her first, that my mother flew down there and helped for for over a month when the first was born, that my folks have easily spent over $10k on her and her kids as far as supplies, housing, etc. go, and she even received not just gifts but a monthly allowance from my father's side of the family. She was not lacking in gifts and assistance. She just never had an actual party.) What can I do to minimize drama? She has already expressed a certain amount of bitterness about not just my shower, but about the dollar amount in gifts she personally estimates that we'll be receiving. And this is on top of existing drama about me having a boy. Should I go out of my way to try and placate her during or after my baby shower? I don't know what to do.

Thanks, ladies!

 

[Mississippi03]

Your only duty is to show up. It was your co workers choice to throw it, you didnt ask her. But yes send thank you cards after the fact.
You dont have to give a gift to either host. I didnt for mine but then again, i threw both her bridal and baby shower. Ive never received a gift for any shower ive thrown or anyone.
As much as i love the gifts, i do dislike showers lol everyone looking at you opening presents.. Its so awkward. But try to enjoy because your friends going to a lot of effort to have it!

 

[Penguin20]

I agree with mississippi03, if they said just to show up then just show up and to send thank you cards to everyone who came.
I like the idea of getting the person who organized it all a gift and it you can't afford much then a bottle of wine or some chocolate, maybe flowers would be a nice gesture.

 

[Dill]

Wine is always well-received by the ladies at my office. If I have time, I think I'll swing by the store on my way to the shower tomorrow and pick up a bottle for each. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[jlw617]

Hi Dill, mine is today! And though I'm super excited, specifically for the fun time it will be with my friends, I always feel awkward at these things too just because I don't want people to feel obligated to get things for us...especially since this is my 3rd but my friends insisted on it because they'd never seen me pregnant before plus this has been a long journey for us as we thought we were done having kids after our second, well almost 6 years, one vasectomy reversal and a missed miscarriage later, here we are about to start from scratch again and welcome our baby into the world! I don't hVe to worry about family because we live across the country. I would maybe try to talk to your sister ahead of time and just tell her that you don't want any drama and that your sorry she didn't get a shower but this is your shower and there's no room for drama and if she can't follow that then you'd rather her just not come at all. Just be sincere, if you open gifts at the shower make sure you try to make eye contact with each person and say thankyou. I did get small gifts for the ladies that did mine just because it's a bigger shower and I know a lot of work went into it. Have fun!!!

 

[2have4kids]

Dill I completely echo your feelings towards baby showers. I say just go and do NOT placate your sister, let her off the hook and tell her she doesn't need to come! The last thing you want is drama and guilt at your own party.

My sister has insisted on throwing me something...this baby is truly a miracle baby, we were on the adoption list before our luck happened. I refused a shower so it'll be a meet 'n greet where she's clear with everyone that gifts are not necessary. We'll feed our friends good food & bubbly to help us celebrate and meet the new baby. We don't know what we're having and I have everything we need including a few white neutral onsies & sleepers, we'll probably get some gender specific clothes and maybe some toys but I don't expect anything except some hugs & smiles! All of my friends had their babies eons ago and some of them I saw last at their baby showers, I never even got to see their babies. Sure they're on my FB but they won't be invited to the meet 'n greet. I consider what they did as a gift grab, I chose only to include people in my life who have had a two-way relationship with DH and I. That still includes around 26 people not including close but far away long distance friends & family so that's quite enough.

I hope your shower goes well, do try to ignore the negative bits. Remember to write thank you cards and ignore whatever drama your sister brings if she shows up-simply do not engage, be stoik around drama. Enjoy the lovely things your colleagues are doing for you - it's your turn!

 

[Dill]

I'll be ordering thank-you cards today -- definitely have that under control! The shower went really well. I was super touched by the turnout and generosity of my friends. Everyone was hugged and thanked personally. My sister gave no drama! The only drama was that my mom didn't come, and didn't bother telling me she was backing out yet again. My dad made it clear to me that he feels bad about my mom's behavior and that he is disappointed in her decision, so that helped soothe what few ruffled feathers I had.

Best part? I walked in the door and my best friend was there! She lives thousands of miles away and it was a total shock. I started crying my eyes out.

 

[oneill614]

That's so great that your friend was there. One of my good friends came from Washington DC to Ohio yesterday for my shower and even though I knew she was going to be there, it was so great to see her, it made the whole shower worth it.

I totally know what you mean about feeling kind of guilty and obligated. I'm not the kind of person who likes to be the center of attention, and I don't even enjoy receiving gifts very much (I love giving gifts much more). It sounds like you could use a little help though, so maybe that made it a little easier. I agree with what everyone else said pretty much, but I did get thank you gifts for my hosts. I got my sister some candleholders and big candles, and air fresheners. I had 3 hosts for my shower yesterday, so I plan on getting them each something. Flowers or wine, something like that. I would also suggest making the thank you notes kind of personal. Mention a gift they got you and why it is special (it will keep baby warm in the winter) and tell them what you think you might spend a gift card on. I think people like to know that you remember their gift apart from others, and they want to think about your cute baby using their gift.

Glad your sister didn't give you any drama. I had a ton of drama yesterday, but that's another story for another thread. I have no idea why people can't get a clue sometimes.

 

[Dill]

Yeah, I'm good at least with thank-you cards. I did the same thing with the gifts we received for our wedding. I ordered the cards online today, so I'll write up the personalized notes and have them sent out within a couple of weeks.

Now to figure out what to gift my hostesses! I did take the organizer out for coffee and appetizers after the baby shower, but I'd like to give her something tangible!

 

[jlw617]

A www so glad it turned out good and how awesome your friend was there! Mine turned out great too, better than expected my mom had a couple bouquets of flowers sent and my friend coordinated with my my mom and family who live across the United States to have them write notes that became a part of a giant whale collage (we have a nautical theme) it was so incredibly touching! Shortly after I got to my shower, my friend had my mom on FaceTime for me-my day was wonderful and though I worried about feeling awkward, I didn't at all, just literally felt showered with love!

 

[Dill]

Aww, that's so sweet! Glad to hear that yours went well, too.