Back to work

[Pinkcasi]

Hi all, so i had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago, 7th August, i thought i was into my 12th week and so close to being out of the 'danger zone' only to find out after i started bleeding that my baby stopped growing at 5 weeks 4 days.

So like i say 2 weeks and i came back to work this week, monday was so hard, everyone here knows, some people at worked guessed i was pregnant and so i had to tell them even though i wanted it to be a secret until the first scan showed everything was ok, so now im here and people are either asking me if im alright or they're just ignoring me altogether as they dont know what to say, it's infuriating and i just want to scream and throw something!
I know that life goes on and all that but being 'normal' just seems impossible at the moment, im struggling to not cry and i just dont know what to do.
Plus there is another girl here who is pregnant and i cant bear to look at her, i know it's not her fault, she had a miscarriage too before this pregnancy and she's entitled to be happy, but it hurts everytime i see her bump, that should be me! i should be making plans and complaining that my back hurts, it's not fair!!!

Sorry im ranting on, i just need to get it out of my system.

 

[Bubsta]

I'm so sorry that you lost your baby. Going back to work is hard. Especially that first day. (been there) I know it sounds cliche, and it might not feel like it at the moment.... But give yourself time. It will get easier. you've conquered day one. The pregnant girl at work would feel for you. She knows how hard it is to lose. I also know it's hard to not envy what she now has. I'm sending hugs your way. It's your turn to feel joy and happiness soon. Xxx

 

[Pinkcasi]

Thanks for that, I just feel like im walking around in a total daze, everyone else is worrying about stupid irrelevant stuff and i want to scream, it just doesn't matter, none of it it's all pointless, and if one more person looks at me, tilts their head and says 'are you ok' in the most patronising tone i really will just freak out.
I know what they're thinking, theyre thinking that it's my fault, that i did something, probably thinking that i deserved it, because i jokingly said if it was twins i would sell one to the circus, or saying that it's because i didn't stop smoking before i found out i was pregnant.

I just wish i could go somewhere no one knew, either that or i wish someone would just mention it rather than walking on eggshells around me just waiting for me to breakdown!

 

[Bubsta]

Oh Pinkcasi, you have every right to feel angry. I know what its like to feel that anger and that you wish people would just react to you like they didnt know you were ever pregnant. ( i actually asked friends of mine that knew to please pretend that it never happened when i got back to work to make it easier on me which they did. It helped). I'm sure that no one thinks that you did anything wrong. Miscarriages generally dont happen because of anything that the mother does. Unfortunately, sometimes they just happen. With my first loss, i had so much anger and spend a lot of time in the 'what if' stage and 'it must have been something i did'... This time around, i wont let myself feel like that. We shouldn't blame ourselves or think that anyone else thinks we did something wrong. I stopped smoking the following day after getting my BFP... I won't allow myself to think that maybe it was the cigarettes before I knew.... I drank coffee.... Had late nights.... Didn't eat as well as I could.... If I thought that is why I miscarried, then I would send myself nuts. I didn't lose my baby because of that. It just wasn't to be... This time. I'm hoping next time it will be my turn. Xxx people at your work would be more likely thinking, how horrible it is that you have to go through this. I hope each day you start to see just a little more sunshine and that the gold is at the end of the rainbow. Xxx