BFN and DESTROYED DEVASTATED

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive' started by iwantbebebad, Apr 6, 2009.

  1. iwantbebebad

    iwantbebebad DS 11 - DD 23 Months!

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    I have waited seven years to conceive and I missed my Febuary cycle. Sure I was pg I demanded an hcg quantitative. It was non pg. Finally got :witch: on March 13. Don't know when I ov'd though I had ewcm on cycle day 14. Feel very pregnant, bloated, a little weight gain in a short time (water im sure) sore breasts and twingy :witch: pains. Not due to start until 4/13. I quit smoking out of the blue (well five cigs in one week down from 140) thinking I was pg and didnt want to hurt precious baby. Three days of BFN though. I know its early but I am very frustrated. I am dreaming of pg and last night even had labor dream and my DH said I clung to him and said "help me, help me". I am sick of this preoccupation. I am in college and have tests all day tomorrow. I cant sleep, Im so stressed. Additionally my DH just had a vasectomy reversal in December. Very low chances of conception. I just keep thinking I am pg. I am sick of it. I give up. Waited seven Da*n years. I probably have a psychological pg and now stupid red witch wont come and it will throw me off all over again.... Crying....
     
  2. aurora

    aurora Well-Known Member

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    Aw hun, I'm sorry for what you're going through! :hugs:
     
  3. mammag

    mammag Expecting a Rainbow

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    did you read my reply to your question on my other post? you might not be ovulating when you get the ewcm. but don't fear, all is not over until the b':witch: shows her ugly face. if you are only 9 dpo then it is too early. typically i don't see :bfp:'s until at least 11 dpo, and sometimes later.
     
  4. iwantbebebad

    iwantbebebad DS 11 - DD 23 Months!

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    Well I need to be with Team Chilled Out not Freaked out lol. .yes thank you SO MUCH for your reply. I added you as a friend. Basically I am using the net as an online diary of sorts- probably annoying to some but I feel hidden and safe lol. I would never talk to "real" people this candidly lol. No these wonderful women are more real than anyone I could talk to around here. Now that I research more I see that I am more likely 6-7dpo since an "average" cycle is 14 day luteal. I was going off the ewcm day not taking into account that it could have and probably was several days later that i ovd. So now I am freaking out that I didnt BD enough.. My DH is peed because he doesn't like "reproducing"... He just wants to BD. I just want a baby. So anyhow I didnt understand the ewcm and now it is watery so who knows. I really appreciate you...The :witch: is probably banging down the door or not at all for the next 50 days along with 100 more :bfn:...
    I am NOT PATIENT..... Seven years TOO LONG.... Reminds me of my only son. My midwife told me he would teach me the lessons I needed to learn. He was really late and it was my patience that was giving lol. He has continued to teach me daily. I dont know if you read my other post but I quit talking to people because they kept saying "you already have one, so what" Well that isnt fair. Why am I only allowed one? The stupid B**ch down the street gets an abortion every month and she finally kept one (of three) and I thought she was still pg because she and like six other people were puffing away on cigarettes in her van. I never suspected a newborn in the back. I cant stand it. I wont, however take away from those who havent or wont get one. That would be the worst. I am not asking to be the octuplet mom ok!! lol I just want two.... One more just one more... Sorry for the book... Hugs!
     
  5. mammag

    mammag Expecting a Rainbow

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    well that's ridiculous! i'm from kentucky, and live in ohio, we are the land of big families, and i usually get the question, "when are you going to have another" i'm like I'M TRYING!!!! and i know i'm blessed to have two, and this whole ttc thing started out innocently, actually with a pregnancy "scare"? don't know if that's the right word for it, as we would have been overjoyed, but i realized that when AF came, i was very disappointed, as was DH. so, we started trying, after about 6 months of no luck, the obsession kind of took over, and then tripled when i got pregnant and miscarried. our desire to have a child should have nothing to do with the amount of children we already have. i look at my babies, and i love them so much it almost hurts, and i feel like i have so much MORE love i could give, and why shouldn't I? because i have two? I am a good mother, or I try my very hardest, which is a lot more than some can say (errrrmmm octomom) u are not alone, and NO ONE here will judge you for already having a child, i promise you that.
     
  6. Aria

    Aria Guest

    A dear friend's husband has a vasectomy reversal and it can take a full year for sperm production to get back to normal levels.

    How about this. Try not to actively think about trying for the next nine months, not until a year has passed. Tell yourself there's just not a chance until it's been a year. Don't obsess over symptoms and don't look for signs. Don't test until you are already late. Then you won't be so disappointed. If you end up late and bet a positive, then you will have something unexpected for the time frame.

    That is what my friend is doing, and it's helping her a LOT to get through things. It'll be a year for her and her husband come August. They'll start the "a year is normal" starting in August when his system is back to normal, and if they get pregnant sooner, then that's just icing on the cake.
     
  7. tansey

    tansey Finally a Mummy!

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    It does sound like you are testing far too early. It is hard seeing BFN so try not to test until you are late. Good luck!
     
  8. Sapph

    Sapph Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

    I agree that you might be testing too early. Try and resist.
     
  9. iwantbebebad

    iwantbebebad DS 11 - DD 23 Months!

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    Thanks to ALL who have supported me. I agree, I am testing too early. I know in my heart and I convince myself of things. I agree it is an obsession of sorts (not octomom lol) but I did call the urologist and asked some medical questions. His staff only offered the canned 50% chance stuff and not actual stats. I am worried but everyone is right. It will come if it is meant to be. It is just hard not even knowing if the procedure worked you know? But we can't get checked because I am not ready for the possible devastation of a reversal failure. My DH made it clear that it will not be repeated. We have to accept what is. He is not willing to go any further or with reproduction assistance (except maybe IUI) because of the risk of multiples with even Clomid. He did get the vas because he didn't want any more kids. He reversed it because he loves me and decided to take a chance. He has a 16 year old who was unplanned when he was young and he married mom out of responsibility (we all know that doesnt pan out 100% of the time lol) She cheated nine years later and kid blames dad. Everyone does. (But me) He just got hurt and mainly got the vas because his wife was poking holes in condoms etc... (octomom stuff lol) Basically I asked why he still BD'd with her being manipulative but he is a man and has no answer to that lol. I just hope there is hope. I have to be a big girl though and know that when it's over, it's over. We aren't there yet, and you ladies are great. I think I have decided while writing this that I need to be mature and get the semen analysis. True, I don't want to hear "failed" but I don't want to hear "failed" next year either. What is the worse of the two evils? If things are RIGHT he will have sperm in lower numbers with lower motility. That is the one year thing. But 50/50 that or NOTHING. :( Thanks to all and baby dust to all. Bless you...
     
  10. iwantbebebad

    iwantbebebad DS 11 - DD 23 Months!

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    Aria! Super Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you....

    MammaG You are in my heart and friends list lol... You seem like a great mom. Im from Idaho and we like to procreate over here too. I would be the Duggar family if I had the money... (As "OCTOMOM" echoes through the room lol)
    And not to DOG on octomom... Some people are cat collectors.. She just collects kids.. It's not without love though lol just on taxpayer dollars lol

    Tansey-Trying quick eh! that is the way to get things done lol. I got my first babe 1 1/2 months into my first marriage. He was SO EASY lol. I just did it a couple times and had a baby lol. Everyone had sperm and I had a 28 day perfect cycle. Yeah we were all young. Oh to be 18 again. Baby dust at light speed to you lol

    Sapph- Thank you for your encouragement. Those of you who are TTC veterans know better than to test everyday for 14 days before AF lol. I need to hear that sometimes.

    THANK YOU TO ALL MY NEW FRIENDS ON MY NEW JOURNEY-- MAY IT END WITH A NEW ADDITION-- IF IT DOESN'T MAY IT END WITH NEW FRIENDS AND THEIR NEW ADDITIONS!! (AND THE BLESSING THAT I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND WHO DID THIS FOR ME AND A WONDERFUL SON WHO MAKES ME SO PROUD) HAIL TO THE TTC!!!!
     
  11. iwantbebebad

    iwantbebebad DS 11 - DD 23 Months!

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    Diddy your Sophie is perfect-- Thank you for the hug and the caring. I had a m/c at four months and had an emergency d&c in the night. This is in 2002. All this time I thought I lost that baby and it has devastated me. When my DH and I went to The Center for Fertility before his vas reversal I asked the doc about my lost baby because nobody ever said anything. Turns out it wasnt even a baby! It was a blighted ovum i carried for that long. Just a sac and a placenta, the cells never divided to make an embryo. Why couldnt anyone tell me that at the time? Its horrible. I would like to add you as a friend. I will look at Sophies site..God Bless...
     

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