blended families?

[portablechick]

Is anyone having their first baby but dh's second or third??

I would like to know what people are planning with regards their step child and introducing them to the new arrival?

I have an 8 yo ss who stays most weekends with us - i'm starting to think about what will happen if baby makes an appearance at weekend when ss is with us. Dh doesn't have any family he could leave him with - and ss mum lives a couple of hours away - so if dh was to take him home to his moms i would be alone in labour for 4-5 hours - plus would ss feel alienated that he was being sent away when the new baby was coming???? what can be done?? cant exactly take him to the hospital with us!

Plus - i hope this doesn't sound really horrible - this is my first baby and i would really like some time alone, at least a day, with dh and new baby. however dh appears keen to get his son to the hospital asap after birth, which i can understand...but

I am really starting to pray I go into labour in the middle of the night in the middle of the week to solve these problems!

I look forward to any thoughts/input

 

[xxsteffyxx]

I don't have an awful lot of experience, but Chris has always admitted to me since day one he has a son called Matthew, somewhere in the world. Due to a complicating court procedure he was given access, but the lady moved away. So unfortunetly Chris has not seen him since he was around 1 year old.
It is very sad

 

[SuperKat]

this is my first baby and i would really like some time alone, at least a day, with dh and new baby. however dh appears keen to get his son to the hospital asap after birth, which i can understand...but

My dh and I aren't a blended family, so I don't know if my thoughts are worth much in your situation...
but I wanted to say that I can see where your dh is coming from in wanting his son there. This will be your childs brother of course...Would your family be willing to watch your ss while you are in labor? I would imagine they would count your step son as part of their family as well since he is a part of yours? That way, you can get a little bit of alone time with dh and your new baby, (I think asking for a full day could be a bit much, i cannot wait for my 3 kids to meet their new sister- I would imagine your dh can't wait for his son to meet his new sibling either- it really exciting). It can also be a special bonding moment between you and your step son.

FX that you go into labor on a Wednesday night!!! LOL

 

[OctBebe]

My OH has a 5yo daughter, she doesn't like me so much im like the "evil stepmum" meerly the one who likes to enforse a little rules. We had her last weekend and thats all I could think, what do we do if I go into labour? So I dont think we can have her for a few more weekends and maybe a few after baby is born just so i can get a routine. I would stress out having a NB a 5yo and an OH acting like a 5yo with his daughter.

 

[nicmum2b]

I don't have any step children but didn't want to read & run. Can't you speak to your DH and see if your SS can stay with his Mum for a while around when you are due? It's not horrible to want some time alone with your DH and newborn, it's normal and I'm not being funny but I wouldn't want my step son in the hospital as soon as I'd given birth. He needs to think about your needs as well. You need to have a proper talk with him as it's not really fair on you to be honest.

 

[k7498632]

I have a 15 yr old step ddaughter that is currently pregnant with her first baby (yep im living an episode of jeremy kyle).
She and her mum were a nightmare when i was having my daughter. Her mum even checked her out on the day my Lo was born so that my OH had to go and get her and i came home from hospital with a newborn and a 12 yr old.
NEVER AGAIN!!!
If anything happens this time she's gonna have to fend for herself because i cant and will not do it again!!!

 

[mummy2be362]

My OH has a 3 year old from a previous relationship, and this is my first bub. He has his son on weekends.

Because his ex knows I'm pregnant, she already had some notice that if by any chance I was to go into labour when his son was with us, she may have to have him back so we can go up to the hospital. Luckily we live literally a 1 minute walk from her so hoping this won't be a problem.

If possible, could your OH's ex not have their child for a few days around the due date, and you then "make up for it" (so to speak) either before then or afterwards when you're home with bub? Or maybe get someone who you all trust to take the child back to their mum if you should go into labour?

xxx

 

[shelleney]

Hi.
I thought I would give you my opinion - from the stepchild's point of view.
I lived with my Mum, and my Dad lived with my Stepmum, but I visited every weekend. I was 10 when my first half-brother was born, and 13 when my second half-brother was born.
Both times the babies were born during the week, so we didnt have the issue of where I would go when my stepmum went into labour. But I know that if it had happened at the weekend, my Stepmum's family wouldve taken me in until they were ready for me to come back.
However, after both babies were born, my Dad picked me up from my Mums house - that very same evening - and brought me to see my brand new brothers in the hospital. He then took me back to my Mums an hour later. Whilst my Dad was travelling to and from the hospital, my Stepmum's family were all in the hospital with her, so she wasn't alone.

Im hoping that you would be able to do a similar thing, as it all worked out perfectly for us! I managed to bond with my newborn brothers on the days that they were born, but my Dad and Stepmum still had lots of time alone, as I was only there for an hour. Good luck!

 

[tanni78]

My situation is slightly different. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and my OH has 2. His ex has been a real nightmare since i got pregnant despite them splitting nearly 6 yrs ago. To start with, she told him that he wasn't ever allowes to tell his girls that they were going to have a baby brother which is ridiculous, then she announced it to them when he wasn't there to try to turn them against him. His kids used to come over and play with mine occasionaly before we got together but since she found out he was seeing me, she's stopped that. I really don't know how it's gonna work out once he's born. Obviously both myself and my OH want our son to grow up knowing all his sisters and i worry that if his girls don't get to bond with their brother like mine do, it's just gonna create a huge rift that will never get sorted. His youngest is 9 and he says she never really mentions the baby, (i think she's scared of being left out tbh) but his eldest admitted to him the other day that she's really excited but doesn't like to act it cos she's worried about upsetting her mum!!!!! It really bugs me how his ex is causing all this friction, Those girls are my little boy's sisters and i don't want him to grow up not knowing them or not being able to go to my OH's family gatherings because his sisters will be there and aren't comfortable with him being there! I don't want to put too much pressure on my OH as i'm sure the whole situation is heartbreaking for him but i have told him that his ex is not getting to turn our son into a leper so she better pack it in. I really hope it works out though xx

 

[allaboard]

I don't have any step kids, but my Mum is a Step Mum to my half sisters, and my partner is bringing up my son as his father isn't on the scene. I wonder if my partner feels that having my son there would be intrusive, to his first experience as a Dad. I hope not, that would be really upsetting to me. I understand where you are coming from, but the fact is you are with someone who has commitments to his other child too, and that means making them feel included and part of your family when he's there without conditions attached to it.

 

[jen1604]

I don't have any step kids, but my Mum is a Step Mum to my half sisters, and my partner is bringing up my son as his father isn't on the scene. I wonder if my partner feels that having my son there would be intrusive, to his first experience as a Dad. I hope not, that would be really upsetting to me. I understand where you are coming from, but the fact is you are with someone who has commitments to his other child too, and that means making them feel included and part of your family when he's there without conditions attached to it.

This. Completely agree.

I've been a stepchild and when my baby sister was born I would have been gutted if I thought my stepmum didn't want me there to meet the baby.At the end of the day the baby is your stepchilds brother or sister,for me it shouldn't be any different to if you had a child from a previous relationship.
I can understand you not wanting stepchild there while you're in labour,of course,but in my opinion the stepchild should be able to meet their new brother or sister as soon as possible and should be able to continue when they will see you and their dad as normal.

 

[Dannieo]

I have 2 SDs, 11 and 8, they're old hands at babies now as their mum remarried and had two more kids. Personally I can't wait for them to see the baby.

I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 18 months, so the youngest doesn't even remember a time when I wasn't around. My due date is supposed to be the weekend we have them, so you never know, but OH's mum will have them if I do pop while they're there!

I think it is down to personal circumstances and choice really. I am very close to "my girls" and want them to be involved as much as possible.

As far as your SS being there when you go into labour, have you looked into a qualified babysitter or childminder? It might cost more, but at least you know that he's in safe hands, or do you have any neighbours who might be able to lend a hand?

And I would speak to you OH if you want a bit of alone time, and it might be taken out fo your hands if he's not staying with you when you LO is born, but if he is with you when the baby arrives, then you might have to make the best of it (Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh).

Love is love at the end of the day and all your SS is going to want to do is love his new sibling.

Hope it works out for you xxx

 

[portablechick]

Hi.
I thought I would give you my opinion - from the stepchild's point of view.
I lived with my Mum, and my Dad lived with my Stepmum, but I visited every weekend. I was 10 when my first half-brother was born, and 13 when my second half-brother was born.
Both times the babies were born during the week, so we didnt have the issue of where I would go when my stepmum went into labour. But I know that if it had happened at the weekend, my Stepmum's family wouldve taken me in until they were ready for me to come back.
However, after both babies were born, my Dad picked me up from my Mums house - that very same evening - and brought me to see my brand new brothers in the hospital. He then took me back to my Mums an hour later. Whilst my Dad was travelling to and from the hospital, my Stepmum's family were all in the hospital with her, so she wasn't alone.

Im hoping that you would be able to do a similar thing, as it all worked out perfectly for us! I managed to bond with my newborn brothers on the days that they were born, but my Dad and Stepmum still had lots of time alone, as I was only there for an hour. Good luck!

Thanks shelleney - this prob does sound like the best plan all round. Hoping dss mom is understanding and doesn't stir up the pot at all. She has already been planting seeds in his head that his dad wont be as bothered with him once he has another baby! guess we'll just have to work double hard to make sure he feels secure in our family Its good to hear the step child point of view - thankyou

 

[portablechick]

My situation is slightly different. I have 3 children from a previous relationship and my OH has 2. His ex has been a real nightmare since i got pregnant despite them splitting nearly 6 yrs ago. To start with, she told him that he wasn't ever allowes to tell his girls that they were going to have a baby brother which is ridiculous, then she announced it to them when he wasn't there to try to turn them against him. His kids used to come over and play with mine occasionaly before we got together but since she found out he was seeing me, she's stopped that. I really don't know how it's gonna work out once he's born. Obviously both myself and my OH want our son to grow up knowing all his sisters and i worry that if his girls don't get to bond with their brother like mine do, it's just gonna create a huge rift that will never get sorted. His youngest is 9 and he says she never really mentions the baby, (i think she's scared of being left out tbh) but his eldest admitted to him the other day that she's really excited but doesn't like to act it cos she's worried about upsetting her mum!!!!! It really bugs me how his ex is causing all this friction, Those girls are my little boy's sisters and i don't want him to grow up not knowing them or not being able to go to my OH's family gatherings because his sisters will be there and aren't comfortable with him being there! I don't want to put too much pressure on my OH as i'm sure the whole situation is heartbreaking for him but i have told him that his ex is not getting to turn our son into a leper so she better pack it in. I really hope it works out though xx

Jeez! these modern families are sure not easy!! I really hope things go smoothly for you - at least i only have one other kid to worry about! and also the ex lives far enough away not to cause aggro on a daily basis!

 

[portablechick]

I have 2 SDs, 11 and 8, they're old hands at babies now as their mum remarried and had two more kids. Personally I can't wait for them to see the baby.

I've been in their lives since they were 4 and 18 months, so the youngest doesn't even remember a time when I wasn't around. My due date is supposed to be the weekend we have them, so you never know, but OH's mum will have them if I do pop while they're there!

I think it is down to personal circumstances and choice really. I am very close to "my girls" and want them to be involved as much as possible.

As far as your SS being there when you go into labour, have you looked into a qualified babysitter or childminder? It might cost more, but at least you know that he's in safe hands, or do you have any neighbours who might be able to lend a hand?

And I would speak to you OH if you want a bit of alone time, and it might be taken out fo your hands if he's not staying with you when you LO is born, but if he is with you when the baby arrives, then you might have to make the best of it (Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh).

Love is love at the end of the day and all your SS is going to want to do is love his new sibling.

Hope it works out for you xxx

Not harsh at all - thanks for the response. As Dh has zero family in this country i have spoke to a friend that dss is quite familiar with and she has agreed that to make herself available should lo decide to show up on weekend dss is with us. dh has promised that we'll have a few hours post partum before we tell anyone that lo has arrived and then he'll go fetch dss.

it's been great hearing everyones thoughts on the issue

thankyou

 

[bump wanted]

Hey another scenario here for you!!

I have 3 step children SS - 16, SS - 12 AND SD - 11 the 12yr old and 11yr old live with us full time so there is no doubt they are going to be here when I go into Labour! - They see their mum most weekends so if its the weekend they will be there and if I go into labour during the week they will be dropped off at my SIL and will be collected by my OH when it is time to collect the baby from hospital, I am really keen for them to be first to meet new baby after me and OH and have made it clear to all family members we want to be left alone for a day when we get home so the kids can adjust...

They are so excited and I have another little mother in my SD! she is going to be so much help!!!
xx

 

[Amy2701]

I have an 8 year old Stepdaughter and she will be introduced to the new baby as soon as possible. I am due on a Saturday, and if I go into labour when she is there my parents will take her and bring her to the hospital when they are able to visit. I know how excited my OH is for his daughter to meet her new sister, and that alone makes me excited to see how she reacts, but we are very close anyway so I would always have wanted her theer as soon as poss x

 

[shelleney]

Thanks shelleney - this prob does sound like the best plan all round. Hoping dss mom is understanding and doesn't stir up the pot at all. She has already been planting seeds in his head that his dad wont be as bothered with him once he has another baby! guess we'll just have to work double hard to make sure he feels secure in our family Its good to hear the step child point of view - thankyou

Im sorry to hear your SS's Mom is causing trouble. But if she has told your poor SS that his Dad wont be bothered with him when the baby comes - well then that's all the more reason to make sure that he is involved from the very start!
Because if you try to keep him away for a few days/weeks after the birth (so that you and DH can bond with the new baby), your SS will probably think its because you dont want him anymore.
However, if you make sure he meets him new brother/sister the same day (even for an hour), then he will feel like he belongs, and that his Dad still loves him.
I hope it all works out for you

 

[myasmumma]

i have two SD's and we arent allowed to see them..long story! as much as we want them to bond with thier sister and new brother..it wouldnt be a friendly/comfortable situation for either of them and my daughter

 

[mztova]

Just thought I'd chime in as well...
This is my first baby (I'm 43) and my DH has 2 daughters 11 and 13 and they live with us so they are super excited about their little sister coming!
Our planned c-section is planned for the Friday (at noon) they go to their moms for the weekend
My mum wants to pick them up early from school and bring them up before they go to their moms. My DH has discussed with his ex that he wants to pick them up on the Saturday for a couple of hours to bring them to the hospital to meet their little sister and see me. She actually agreed and didn't throw a big fit. I expected her to say no TBH but she agreed. So we are happy they can see her if not the day of her birth then the next day.
DH will pick them up Sunday at 5 and bring them up to see us again as they plan on keeping me in the hospital for 4 days. UGH!
Can't wait now!!