Bond with your baby? *long*

Discussion in 'Baby Club' started by amie-leigh, Aug 28, 2009.

  1. amie-leigh

    amie-leigh Mummy To Princess Morgan

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    I know i sound like such a bad mother (have been told this today by MIL) but have to ask if any one has felt like this or has any advise

    i feel like i have no bond with my baby, i dont do anything for her because i want to i do it because i have to, i hate her crying because it gives me a headache, i hate taking her out in public incase she crys and people stare which i know is silly because babys cry but its getting to the stage where i barly leave my house without OH who works strange shifts and when h is at work i just sit in the house and think about what i could be doing if i didnt have the baby or how much better off she'd be without me

    i told the health visitor this and she just said its baby blue but my baby is almost 6weeks old and i have felt like this since she was born everyday

    i feel so bad now because i told MIL this today and she made a rude comment about i should feel blessed to have a child and i dont deserve her and i give mothers a bad name, i know i should but her sayig that has made me feel a million times worse

    can anyone help
     
  2. beancounter

    beancounter Well-Known Member

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    I'm really sorry your MIL was so unsupportive and unsympathetic, and also your HV. Normally HV seem really good- have you been given the PND test? Lots of new mums have felt like you- it's quite a culture shock- and I found my bond to deepen over months- but I think you should see someone else (like another HV or your GP) because postnatal depression is a risk and you really want to nip that one in the bud ASAP.
     
  3. kirsten1985

    kirsten1985 Guest

    I agree with beancounter, my bond with Freya deepend over the months, it's a million times stronger now than during the first 6-8 weeks. But, I agree that PND ought to be treated before it gets too bad. :hugs:
     
  4. amie-leigh

    amie-leigh Mummy To Princess Morgan

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    I havent been offered PND test as my HV said the doc' would do it at my check up if they felt it nessecary but my check isnt until im 12 weeks, does anyone know if i can request the test be done or what it envolves?

    thanks for your replies
     
  5. beancounter

    beancounter Well-Known Member

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    we have a six week check here. Then my GP called me in at 8 weeks too! I would just book an appointment with your GP, I didn't have PND but I have had troubles with depression in the past and that's always what I did before. I think you can find the test online, someone might know the link, its basically a list of questions that they use the gauge how you are feeling.
     
  6. Kiree

    Kiree proud mammy of 2 boys

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    I totally agree with all the above hun, I'm sorry you got that response off your MIL & HV. X
     
  7. Mum2b_Claire

    Mum2b_Claire Mummy to Ruby & Scarlett!

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    Your baby is still so young, these early days are sooo hard.
    We are all lead to believe that we will be hit by a wave of intense love for our babies the moment they arrive, and for a lot of us this just isn't the case.
    Our lives have just been turned upside down, we are tired, often sore and sleep deprived. No wonder lots of us find it hard to bond with our babies initially.
    I bonded with Ruby properly after about 2 months, once I had moved on from my disappointment at failing at breastfeeding.
    Also once Ruby became more responsive, smiling and chuckling etc everything felt better for me.
    See your doctor and get any help you need.
    Avoid your MIL as much as possible, she sounds extremely insensitive.
     
  8. bibswy

    bibswy MUMMY OF 2!

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    :hugs: you are not a bad mother. It takes time to adjust to your new way of life. We all have times when we think of what we could be doing if baby hadn't arrived, its totally normal. I still feel really anxious about going out, but it is getting better. The first 3 months are so hard I think. I would definately see about being tested for pnd and treatment. Believe me - it won't be long before you reap the rewards of motherhood xx ps, your MIL sounds awful - don't let her get to you.
     
  9. amie-leigh

    amie-leigh Mummy To Princess Morgan

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  10. bibswy

    bibswy MUMMY OF 2!

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    i did it and got 13, same as my 6 week check. Part of me doesn't want to follow it up though coz i've been on meds before and hated it. I think 13 is my 'norm' in life - i'm generally more anxious than depressed. I know that meds do really work for most people and doctors hear allsorts so don't be afraid of opening up. xx
     
  11. Lulu

    Lulu 1 dude & 1 dudette

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    I agree with what everyone else had said. I felt exactly like you have described for the first little while. To be honest it's only really been in the last 2 weeks that I feel I have developed a really bond with my little boy but I still have times when I'm tired that I feel like I'm 'going through the motions' rather than loving every second of being a mum.

    I was given a PND test twice by my midwife and HV, once during my pregnancy and then shortly after I came home after having Euan. It is a short test of multiple choice questions just basically asking how you are feeling, have you felt down, can you still see the funny side of things, etc and moving on to questions like have you felt about self-harming. Depending on your answers it informs the HV/midwife of your overall mental state.

    Don't feel bad, it's perfectly natural to feel different to what is 'expected' of new mums. It is a massive culture shock and it doesn't matter what people tell you beforehand, what you read NOTHING prepares you for it until it happens to you.
     
  12. amie-leigh

    amie-leigh Mummy To Princess Morgan

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    i got 12 so not overly bad but im sure if i was 100% honest with my self it would be higher, are the meds really as bad as people say? ive heard of people saying they walk about completely spaced out and numb others feeling more depressed
     
  13. bibswy

    bibswy MUMMY OF 2!

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    I've been on meds on and off for a few years - none since 2007 though. I found they take time to for your body to get used to and can make you feel a bit ill at first. Also it can take a few weeks for you to notice a difference in your mood. However, they really do help and I never felt spaced out or numb as you describe. I stopped coz I wanted a baby and didn't want anything in my system. i feel i'm coping ok without at the moment.
     
  14. Hope22

    Hope22 Mom of 1 beautiful boy

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    First I want to say your MIL was incredibly rude and insensitive. She's family, she should be supporting you, not putting you down for something that's in no way your fault.

    I've been on anti-depressant meds for three years and can honestly say the meds saved my life. The first 12 weeks were horrid, I was spacey, not at all myself, but after they really took effect the results were amazing. My anxiety disappeared, I didn't want to hurt myself, my energy increased and I started looking forward to things.

    My pregnancy was tough in parts, I ended up with pre-eclampsia and an emergency c-section. Darwin was in the NICU for a while, we had a terrible time learning to BF, and the first few months after we came home he fed so often I actually slept in a chair in the living room; there was no point in going to bed! It was harder than I could ever have imagined, but because of the medication I was able to cope with everything.

    You're right in the middle of the hardest part of becoming a mom - the first few weeks/months are really difficult. I'd speak to your doctor before your 12 week appointment, tell him/her you need some help NOW, because if it's PND you do want to catch it now. If you need support there are loads of people here who understand what you're going through. Hang in there, it will get better. :hugs:
     

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