Breastfeeding Vent

[Sweetpea7830]

I know I have posted on the trouble I am having with breastfeeding. I just need to vent a little about it.

When I was pregnant, all I heard about was how wonderful it is and how it's a bonding experience like no other, etc. It sounded like it came so naturally to all moms and that it was the most positive thing you'd ever do.

Then I had a preemie, and I started pumping. I was attached to the pump it felt like. I was stressed with my baby in the hospital and I was stressed at home trying to pump every 2-3 hours to make a supply. The nurses kept telling me to sleep while I could because when he came home there'd be little time for sleep or time with my husband. I don't think they understood/understand that when you have a baby in the hospital there is no real sleep...you are constantly on edge and you dont' really want to go out on "dates" with your husband. You want to be at the hospital as much as possible for your baby you just gave birth to and couldn't take home with you like everyone else. You are scared, worried, and just a ball of nerves and stress. Add pumping every 2-3 hours on top of that, and you're miserable. I did it because I knew that preemies especially need the benefit of breast milk and because it's best for my son.

He's home now, and it's been wonderful having him at home. He's growing beautifully and loves to eat...from a bottle. He's a joy and I love his smiles and laughter.

But, to be blunt, breastfeeding sucks. I had in my mind images of the adoring mother nursing the beautiful little baby who is just so peaceful and nuzzling. I adore my son and he is a beautiful baby, but our sessions are more like a constant struggle than peaceful. It's so hard to hear how other moms start breastfeeding immediately and have no trouble when I feel like we've had to fight for every bit of what he does...from eating to begin with (he was tube fed for almost 5 1/2 weeks in the hospital) to breastfeeding. I want more than anything for him to be able to have the benefits of breastfeeding - including the emotional ones, not just the medical benefits from expressed breast milk.

I have contemplated giving up so many times...mostly I want our time together to be positive and I want to enjoy my baby and I worry that these constant breastfeeding sessions where he ends up screaming and crying for the bottle take away from the time that we have together to bond.

And I get frustrated...I know people say breastfeeding is liberating because you can feed baby anywhere but for us, we have to have both bottles and the pump so that I can pump and then feed him from the bottle. I also struggle with being tied down to pumping every 3-4 hours now when my husband and other moms can just go and not worry about the clock when they run an errand or visit a friend. I feel hemmed in, not liberated. I also feel like my body is not my own. My little one is constantly attached and it is hard not to feel like you are able to breathe on your own or just have a day off. I know motherhood is a 100% job and I do love it but the breastfeeding makes it such that even on my "time off" when hubby takes over for a couple of hours, I am not truly able to relax.

I never thought I would hate breastfeeding as much as I do. It's really hard and it's a struggle. It's frustrating to me that all the books you read and all the lactation organizations only talk about how wonderful it is, and don't address how hard it can be and how much it drains you. I feel emotionally and physically drained most days and I keep holding out, hoping for that day when he will be the blissfully breastfeeding baby you read about.

I know a lot of people post on here about difficulties with milk supply or not being able to breastfeed, and I know that I am lucky not to have the issue with supply and to be able to breastfeed...but does anyone else out there have the same feelings I do about the stress and frustration of breastfeeding????

 

[XKatX]

Oh hun, I really wish I could help. The last thing I want to do is give some wrong advice - especially in your situation. I do want to say however, that I think you're an absolute star. It sounds like you are working so hard to get BF going. I really hope some people on here can give you some sound advice.
I can however, give you all the support you could wish for. Come on here anytime and cry, stamp your feet or even shout how wonderfully things are going when you get there!
I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey hun.
Great big cyber for you x x x

 

[ryder]

Well... im sure people will think this is unsupportive of BFing... but you really do need to do what will make both you and your baby happy.

I attempted to BF in the beginning, but I did combination feeding from the start for certain reasons due to the birth etc... I also had a very difficult time with bfing and because my OH couldnt get time off work, I was at home alone alot and it was just too stressful.

So I decided to switch to formula. It was the right choice for us. I do wish that is HAD been easier... exactly like you say, I wish that it had been simple and relaxing and natural like everyone says... I am hoping next time will be easier and I will be successful at it though!

And both of us were alot happier once we went to bottles exclusively. My baby and I have an incredible bond, im still usually the only one who can feed her at 6 months, she is healthy, the perfect height and weight, has not been ill...

This forum is great for support and you will get good support with whatever you choose to do...

Giood luck!!!!

 

[alio]

i have to say first off that is such an eloquent post. you're obviously an intelligent woman. i suppose i am biased to some extent. i tried breastfeeding but felt too restricted and didn't enjoy it at that time. every circumstance and every baby/mummy combo is completely different. but it's simple for me, if you're not happy darling, do what will make you happy. breastfeeding isn't for everyone, that's why we have suitable alternatives.
xxxxx

 

[Brockie]

i agree with the others hon, do what you feel will make you and baby happy xx

you sound like you have had a bloody rough ride so far but are getting through it so well done xx its not for everyone, and that doesn't make you a bad mum or mean you love your baby any less!

i hope you feel better soon and really i wouldn't waste any more precious time you could be enjoying with your baby worrying about this, they grow so, so fast and you never get that time back xx enjoy it, wether it be b-feeding or formula, you will have a special bond with your baby however you feed him because your his mummy and thats all thats inportant to him xx

 

[codex]

I just want to say you have been doing a great job. To pump as much as you have for your LO while being so worried and stressed is an accomplishment for sure. BF'ing is hard even when baby is good at it. I feel like I am constantly strapped to a bed or chair with a baby on me. At times I really enjoy being able to give her what she needs etc but other times I feel like you do.
Like the others have said you have to do what is right for you and don't worry what anyone says or thinks.

 

[Mervs Mum]

I thought I'd just reply and send you

Just so everyone doesnt think I've deserted Sweetpea we have just been on MSN for the past hour!!!

 

[Lu28]

Just wanted to send you some huge You're doing an amazing job and whatever you decide to do will be the best thing for you both xxx

 

[Samantha675]

You are doing a great job. And know that no matter how 'easy' a time a new mom has, BFing is hard, exhausting and totally frustrating at times for all of us.

 

[mariucha77]

I can imagine your disappointment! and the frustration of not being able to bf your baby and "waist" time expressing when you'd rather spend time with him.
Have you tried giving him maybe half the bottle and then attach him to your breast? He should be calmer because he's not terribly hungry but yet willing to continue eating. You can try that for 5 minutes and then give him the bottle again. If this works, try stretching the time he spends in the breast.

With my first bf seemed like second nature. He would take the milk in any position. Now with my baby girl it requires twice the effort. She's lazy, likes to sleep more than feeding and would not grab the breast so easily. I'm happy that I have already experience in bf otherwise I'd be a nut case!

Just remember that these months end up pretty quick! Good luck!!

 

[shampain]

You do what is right for you and baby and if you think bottle feeding is the way to go then you go for it hun. I have to say reading your post, I felt like I could of written it myself...I gave up breastfeeding for the same reasons you explain...i don't mean to rock the boat or sway your decision but giving up breastfeeding was the best decision I made. Its just not for everyone and thats nothing to feel guilty about! x

 

[babymama]

First off, bless you for all the hard work you have done so far. Let me also say, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Throughout my pregnany I always said I would BF. Many women told me how great it was and how much they loved it, and I was waiting for the same experience. As soon as I started to BF after the birth of my son, I knew I was not going to get that pleasant experience. I didn't have the problems some women go through. My son latched on beautifully and that was never an issue but I was and still am feeding him every 1-2 hours. It's absolutely exhausting! He is constantly hungry and I cannot keep up with him. By week 3 I was supplementing 1 feed with formula to give me a break. I've also started pumping because I know the importance of BM and I want my son to have all the benefits. My frustration and exhaustion also affected my bond with him as when feeding I just can't wait till he's done. I just feel soooo tied down since I feel like all I do is feed him. I'm gonna stick to it but everyday, the formula is growing on me to switch.

As everyone has already said, do what is best for you. My best friend stopped BF after a month and said it was the best decision she made. Good luck and keep us posted

 

[Freya]

Ahhhh, bless. I too could have written your post! I had no idea either that BF would come with so many challenges! In some ways I feel I was duped by the text books and NCT classes. But you've done so well and you must do whatever suits you and your baby!!!!

XXXX

 

[Sweetpea7830]

Well... im sure people will think this is unsupportive of BFing... but you really do need to do what will make both you and your baby happy.

I attempted to BF in the beginning, but I did combination feeding from the start for certain reasons due to the birth etc... I also had a very difficult time with bfing and because my OH couldnt get time off work, I was at home alone alot and it was just too stressful.

So I decided to switch to formula. It was the right choice for us. I do wish that is HAD been easier... exactly like you say, I wish that it had been simple and relaxing and natural like everyone says... I am hoping next time will be easier and I will be successful at it though!

And both of us were alot happier once we went to bottles exclusively. My baby and I have an incredible bond, im still usually the only one who can feed her at 6 months, she is healthy, the perfect height and weight, has not been ill...

This forum is great for support and you will get good support with whatever you choose to do...

Giood luck!!!!

Thank you! That is similar to my situation - I am at home a lot and having to bear a lot of the weight of it all and it's hard to struggle with the breastfeeding when you are not able to have someone there to give you a break to just take a nap etc.

 

[Sweetpea7830]

First off, bless you for all the hard work you have done so far. Let me also say, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Throughout my pregnany I always said I would BF. Many women told me how great it was and how much they loved it, and I was waiting for the same experience. As soon as I started to BF after the birth of my son, I knew I was not going to get that pleasant experience. I didn't have the problems some women go through. My son latched on beautifully and that was never an issue but I was and still am feeding him every 1-2 hours. It's absolutely exhausting! He is constantly hungry and I cannot keep up with him. By week 3 I was supplementing 1 feed with formula to give me a break. I've also started pumping because I know the importance of BM and I want my son to have all the benefits. My frustration and exhaustion also affected my bond with him as when feeding I just can't wait till he's done. I just feel soooo tied down since I feel like all I do is feed him. I'm gonna stick to it but everyday, the formula is growing on me to switch.

As everyone has already said, do what is best for you. My best friend stopped BF after a month and said it was the best decision she made. Good luck and keep us posted

Thank you so much for your post...this is exactly what I am going through too...I am trying hard to stick it out but each day I think more and more about formula...he just doesn't seem to love to breastfeed like everyone says babies do. The lactation consultant keeps saying that if babies are given the choice between bottle or breast they 100% prefer the breast. I don't know if it's because mine had to start with bottles due to his prematurity or what, but he is not in that 100%! He seems to prefer the bottle. I am trying a breastfeeding marathon right now, no top offs with a bottle and no bottles at all for a bit...it's been 24 hours and he's cranky but he's hanging in there. I am going to try it for a few days and see how he does, and then make a decision from there.

 

[Sweetpea7830]

You do what is right for you and baby and if you think bottle feeding is the way to go then you go for it hun. I have to say reading your post, I felt like I could of written it myself...I gave up breastfeeding for the same reasons you explain...i don't mean to rock the boat or sway your decision but giving up breastfeeding was the best decision I made. Its just not for everyone and thats nothing to feel guilty about! x

Thank you...it's good to finally hear someone saying this because everyone I've heard says they quit breastfeeding and regretted it, etc. I don't want to regret it and the hard thing is that it's a permanent decision. IE you stop and you can't go back...so that's why I have been trying for so long to make sure that's the decision I need to make - I know there's no going back.

 

[Sweetpea7830]

Ladies, thank you all so much. I truly appreciate each of your posts and your hugs and support. It was just what I needed to hear. It's so hard because I know it's a permanent decision and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing - esp because I keep hearing that for preemie babies it's even more critical that they get breast milk. I don't want to feel like I'm giving up too easily, etc. Your support and your posts really brightened my day and gave me the courage to make my own decision, no matter what it is.

For now, I am going to stick it out another week and see how he does. I keep hoping as he grows (he's still only about 6 weeks adjusted age), it will come more easily to him. I am surprised I made it 4 months so far, through all the pumping in the hospital (let me tell you, pumping 8 times a day is miserable), and so I am going to try it another week and just take it a week at a time. I have a lot of frozen milk so I know that if I do end up letting it go, I will have some to carry him forward as I transition over to formula.

It's crazy how much guilt you can already feel ... even when your baby is so tiny. I guess it's just the beginning of motherhood guilt!

Thank you all again for all of your help. You don't know how much of a difference you have made for me!

 

[codegirl]

I think I understand where you are coming from. I had a very rough start to my bf journey as well. At the begining I was bf, pumping, and suplimenting with formula as well. It felt like all I was doing was working on getting him food with no breaks inbetween. It took about 6 weeks, but we have been able to get him to exclusively bf from that previous combination. Don't give up hope yet. It is understandable that he will act like he wants the bottle more as it is easier to drink from but the breast is so good for him.

Give yourself little goals for trying to get him to the breast directly more. I wrote down every feed for a while with weither it was suppliment or breast milk and the amount or if it was from the breast how long he stayed latched for. It helped me see progress when it felt like we weren't getting anywere.

Now that we are fully bf, it is freeing. No worry about bottles or taking the right amount of formula (or pumped milk) on outings.

On the other hand, it is the MOST important that your baby has a healthy Momma so if it's taking to much out of you, do what is best for you!! If that's moving to formula then I would be totally supportive of that choice too. I just want you to know that it can be done, that someone who started with trouble bf was able to get her baby to the breast.

Good luck on whatever you do. I know you will choose whatever is best for you and baby.

 

[Mervs Mum]

Perhaps Lisa will give us an update for this thread so other readers see how she's done??

 

[Sweetpea7830]

Thanks, MM for all your help! I appreciate the tips.

For those who are wondering, I went on a "bottle strike" with my little one a few days ago - trying to encourage him to get all he needs from a nursing session and not a bottle.

The problem I was having: My smartie pants little one realized the bottle was much easier...so he would eat just enough to knock the hunger edge off, and then commence to screaming and wait me out for the bottle of EBM - it led to engorgement for me and much crankiness between us both to where he was screaming for food, I was screaming to pump off the engorgement, and both of us were miserable.

While things are not 100% perfect and I still don't know how long I will breastfeed (we are still sorting it all out, he and I), it has greatly improved breastfeeding for me. We are more relaxed now. My husband gave him his first bottle this morning while I was away for an appointment and it went well - but he downed a ton and then napped for two hours! Not his usual nap...

I posted this in another thread, but this is the part that confuses me...for the past few days I wouldn't have though my little one was still hungry, but just yesterday he started not settling with me at all. I can't tell if it's just the smell of milk or if he's still hungry??

He is sucking his hands like crazy but then again he's just started that and lots of drooling in the past 3 weeks - I think that's a developmental stage? I used to be able to tell he was hungry because he would smack his lips and suck his fingers. Now he's all the time sucking his fist - loudly at times! Any thoughts?? I almost thought he was teething but I think he's way too young...? I just don't want him to go hungry but at the same time I do not want him to keep attaching to the breast if he's just restless. I'm having trouble sorting that part out.