Broken

[SophiePoeta]

I feel like I'm collapsing. I had a miscarriage in February, I was 8 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned, the father didn't want me to keep it, neither did my mother, but I did. I spent five hours in hospital on the morning of February 11th, being prised open, poked and prodded, and left the hospital at 8am sobbing, only to be told by my mother that I shouldn't be upset, since my precious baby "wasn't even human anyway". My new boyfriend gets irritated if I bring the subject up, I obviously can't talk to my mother, and my friends just don't understand how hard this is. My heart is broken and I just want my baby back, I feel like I'm falling apart. Can anybody PLEASE help me? x

 

[aalam9199]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Topanga053]

Oh honey, that's awful. You have a right to grieve for your baby. B&B is a great place. You can also try to find a local support group or therapist who you can open up to. It is so important to the healing process to be able to talk about your loss. I hope that you find comfort soon. xoxo

 

[skyesmom]

no wonder you are breaking down with having no support from anybody. my family went quiet for over a month and no one would speak to me after they found out about my loss (we were waiting for 12 weeks to break the news but didn't have a chance), and after about 5-6 weeks of that crap i stepped up and had a massive fight with everybody and got my support. told them they have no right to disregard, ignore, diminish and avoid my pain just because it's uncomfortable to talk about it and they don't know how to help me.

have you tried to contact your ex regarding this?

and as far as your current bf goes... i'd face him too and let him know it is important for you to share those kind of feelings with him. and if he can't love, you're better off alone. i can understand if your EX, the FOB had problems facing the subject, as there is always lots of guilt, shame, and pain involved when it comes to unplanned pregnancies, and i know many guys who ran away and still had that on their consciousness 10 years later... so if he's escaping and running away because having children is a scary fucking drastic change of his life plans, this i understand.
but i can't empathize so much with your current boyfriend, who doesn't have that weight of his chest and still fails to show any empathy with you and give you any support. this i find horrible.

you don't need any additional non-coping and non-supportive people around you, the mc alone is devastating enough. i wished i stepped up to the people around me back then and stood up for myself and told them: hey you know what, you're acting like empathy-less assholes. i deserve better.
just that my self-esteem and self-love were totally destroyed after my mc so i couldn't. but later i did, and now i do.

 

[SophiePoeta]

Thank you all.
I found out the baby's father had been cheating on me since before I knew I was pregnant, which is why I finally got enough sense to leave him. He was an immature boy and if the pregnancy had continued I would have been better off without him anyway.
My current boyfriend is a wonderful man, but I think I know why he doesn't like me talking about the miscarriage; not too long ago he and his ex lost a son. He was born early and lived for half an hour. I think that, as well as bringing back awful memories of that, he thinks my situation isn't anything to get upset about, since I wasn't very far along and there was no baby to bury at the end of it, just "a clump of cells" (a phrase I hear quite a lot these days...). And I suppose he's right, but he doesn't understand that I believe my baby had a spirit from the moment of conception, and to me it feels like it was just as alive and human as his son x

 

[MeNMyZach]

Well meaning people can sound so heartless. I'm so sorry for your loss

 

[skyesmom]

sounds like your man can't cope with seeing your pain as it digs up his, so his reaction is to deny you have the right to grieve, so he doesn't need to be there for you and go through his own personal hell. sounds like it's all too much for him.

have you thought of finding a support group there where you live, or maybe looking for a therapist? i know this may sound a bit offending, but many of us here went into some kind of therapy (non-medicated and medicated one too) to help cope with the loss.

you need someone in real life to talk to and open your heart... be it a friend, a stranger in a group or a therapist. i personally went in a year after the loss, after i've spent the whole year battling with depression and suicidal thoughts. it really did help to me. sure, time helped too but unless you go to the core of the issue and start dealing with it, not even 20 years can help.

i am sending u a huge hug!

 

[SophiePoeta]

I saw a doctor today and was put on Sertraline (anyone know anything about this?); also been given 2 weeks off work, and I'm hoping that soon I'll start to feel stronger so I can deal with this. Been toying with the idea of going to see a therapist but honestly I'm scared, more anxiety than anything, I get freaked out when I have to talk to people.
I met my boyfriend's ex-wife and their kids a couple of days ago, it was very nice and she let me hold her new baby boy - he giggled at me the whole time I held him and he grabbed my finger tightly and fell asleep. It broke my heart, I couldn't help thinking it should be my own baby doing that, and later on that day I cried. I really do need to talk to someone about this, but I don't know if it will help - what on earth can fix a heartbreak like this?? x

 

[skyesmom]

therapy is always a bit scary but it helps a lot! and it is really admirable from you to be able to socialize with your OH's family, his ex wife and kids.. it may sound strange but having lost a son, i am sure his ex understands how you feel now. does she know about your loss? i found no one is more supportive then women who went through a similar experience.

what can cure a heartbreak like this... i don't know. i don't know what worked for me and what has cured me, i am not the same person i was before, but after a year long depression i have somehow learned to love the new me and it helped... my son is always with me, and being able to feel his love despite the distance we are at now is something that makes my life magical and infinitely more beautiful.

 

[MzHyde]

i know how u feel i had a miscarriage yesterday i was 6 weeks and i didn't even know i was pregnant until it was too late i feel like i wasnt even given a chance to be a parent and its so hard that that decision was made for me i feel like its all my fault i must have done something wrong and if i had only known maybe i could have prevented it. my boyfriend is torn up about it to but im scared he's keeping it all in cos he's trying so hard to look after me and make sure that i dont fall apart at the seams. i have never felt so numb and empty in my life and i still hurt so badly both physically and emotionally. and even though my guy is looking after me i still feel like im all alone. i've decided not to tell my family as it would tear them up and destroy them emotionally and i couldnt deal with it. i know everyone says that early miscarriages are common but i still cant help but feel like im a failure cos i couldnt manage to do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. i know having at kid at my time in life wouldnt have been ideal but still it was something that was gonna be mine something that is half me and half the man i love. still doesnt mean i dont feel numb and empty like i could get hit by a car or the wprld could end and i wouldnt feel anything and that i wouldnt care .

 

[SophiePoeta]

MzHyde - I'm a few months ahead of where you're at now so I feel like I can guide you a little if you need it (btw can you post phone numbers/email addresses on here? because if you can I will give you mine so you can talk to me whenever you need to).
My boyfriend is not supportive of the antidepressants I'm on at all, in fact he told me to throw them away because he says they don't work. At this point I'm willing to give anything a chance. I also have a history of (undiagnosed) multiple personality disorder and one of my other personalities came out tonight whilst I was with my boyfriend and his friend whom I don't know very well so I'm a little embarrassed. I'm hoping this was just a coincidence and not a side effect of the pills :/ x