coming out of hiding...

[momto4girls]

I feel like I can finally share my story. My name is Amy, and I'm 30yrs old. Last year on May 22nd, 2010, I was informed by my doctor that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I was 15weeks pregnant. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I went to my scheduled appointment as planned, even took my daughter (she was 4 at the time, almost 5). I hadn't really started feeling movement yet, but was told that could be normal in previous pregnancies, so I wasn't worried. My doctor put the doppler on and struggled for about 10 minutes looking for a heartbeat, but I could tell he knew. He tried to reassure me that maybe it was to early, and took me in the room across the hall, for an ultrasound. As soon as he started scanning, the look of pain on his face, and the words "I'm so sorry" and I knew it was over. I was sent for a "confirmation" ultrasound at the hospital. Somehow I managed to hold it together until after I left the hospital, and dropped my daughter off with my mom. I was scheduled to have a D&C the following Monday. Walking into the hospital for that procedure was haunting. I delivered my daughters there and it was a horrible feeling knowing I was walking into the hospital pregnant, and would be walking out not pregnant, but would have no baby to show off. When it was all over, the doctor sent everything off for testing. Everything came back "normal" (but really, what is normal when your baby dies and they don't know why?) I was told to wait a few months and try again, so I did. I got pregnant in August 2010, and now have a rainbow baby boy, he's 7 months. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about my angel though. his or her (i never did get to find out, and I'm actually kinda glad I don't know, b/c at the time, my husband had 4 girls, and no boys, and I don't know if he could have handled it as well as he did if the baby had been confirmed to be his first son) due date is in 4 days. Last year, my husband and I released a single balloon up to our baby. This year, I plan to do the same.

 

[MummyStobe]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Fly high little one xx

 

[babylou]

Hello

I'm so sorry for your loss, but pleased that you can finally talk about it to us. We have all been through similar situations. I lost my little boy in a very similar way to you, at 15/16 weeks. That terrible day when they tell you is the worst....

We have a 7 year old daughter and struggled to concieve (both times), so it was heartbreaking to loose a son. I loved your idea of a balloon release, and hope to do something similar on Samuels due date.

I must say Congratulations on your rainbow baby I hope all goes well for you!

We'll never forget our angels.

love and hugs xx

 

[KamIAm]

Hi Amy.... I am terribly sorry for your loss...

I couldn't imagine having to schedule a procedure, knowing what the outcome will be, you are an incredibly strong, super momma!! My situation did not start out as yours, but had the same outcome... Going into the hospital pregnant, happy and excited and going out empty, lost & in shock ...

Just know you are more than welcome to come here and vent, cry, scream, ask questions,... anything... This is an amazing place to fall... to let tears stream, to hear encouraging words and love...

I'm sending prayers of comfort to you and sending floaty kisses to your lil one ...

 

[SarahJane]

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[Nikki_d72]

Hi Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are welcome here - it is a great place full of love and understanding, and no judgement. I'm sorry you had to join us though.

I too had a different experience but that same hideous feeling leaving the hospital with nothing, it felt so so wrong, and it was the same one I had my DD at too. I think I even ended up in the same room I laboured with her in, over 8 years later, having lived back on the other side of the world for 7 years, it was awful.

We will never forget our angels, thank you for sharing yours and your lovely rainbow, that gives me hope there is a way through this, even though we will never forget.

The baloon idea is lovely, it would be nice to have some sort of tradition or ritual for the day every year.

Welcome again. xxx

 

[amotherslove]

im so sorry for your loss.. and thank you for sharing

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry for your loss..

 

[DueSeptember]

Awwww

 

[wife.mom]

Hugs and I am glad you (and I) found this place.

 

[mhazzab]

Amy, I'm so, so, sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about arriving at the hospital pregnant and leaving with nothing, its awful. As I walked away from mine, a heavily pregnant lady was standing outside smoking, it made me so mad...I had done everything right and yet lost my little girls.

I'm so happy to hear that you have a little rainbow, of course you will always remember your angel...I think sometimes people think that just because you have a subsequent pregnancy / child, that it makes it ok? Of course it doesnt, you can never replace a lost child.

I hope you will be okay on baby's due date, releasing a balloon sounds like a lovely idea. I'm so glad you felt up to sharing your story with us, we are here for you, whatever you need xxxx

 

[yazoo]

I am sorry about the loss of your little one. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[kiki04]

Your story is almost identical to mine I was 16 weeks and went in for my regular apt. I had my husband and 3 children with us ages 3, 7 and 9. My dr couldnt find a HB. She told me it was still OK as baby was still very small and could be hiding and to come back in a couple days and we will try again. Well that was a thursday. I was a wreck all weekend. Monday was a holiday and everything was closed. Tuesday I went back and she still couldnt find it, but tried again to reassure me things are fine. Sent me for a blood test to check my HCG level and was scheduling an U/S. I decided I wasnt waiting and went to a private clinic that night to find a HB... there was none They sent me straight to the hospital, where they did the same blood test my dr did, and I was waiting the results on in the morning. They scheduled an U/S the next day, wednesday, to really confirm everything. I get home and just know. I was a complete wreck holding my tummy all night knowing my baby was dead inside of me. I cried myself to sleep holding my tummy all night. I go in on wed for my final u/s and they tell me when I get there that they had a mishap with the scheduling and it would be an extra 1.5 hour wait. I said OK. Then my dr called my cell to tell me the results from her blood test yesterday. My HCG was at 3000 I instantly broke down, complete bawling mess in the waiting room, people staring at me as I lose my soul. At that moment the u/s tech knew I couldnt wait 1.5 hours in such distress and they immediately took me in. They had one tech do an u/s and then a second one to be double sure with two sets of eyes. They then grabbed a box of tissue, rested it beside me and said "I'm sorry but this is a pregnancy that has stopped developing, I will give you and your husband a few moments alone" and they walked out and we just cried. Dan said he saw her on the screen. It pulled us so close but yet there was a brick wall slammed in between us at the same time. I needed my husband more then anything in the world but wanted to scream at anyone who came near me. We got home and the next step was telling our children there was no more baby. We sat them down and told them that the baby got really sick in my tummy and had died. My two sons, 7 and 9, stared blankly, one walked out the front door and the other out the back door. My 3 yr old daughter didnt really get it. I went in the next day at 16 weeks 6 days for a d&c.

We named her Hadlee cuz it means Heather meadows and thats how I picture her... running through a meadow, breeze flowing through her blonde curly hair in a white dress as she stops and picks one and smells it, then spin and giggles and runs off. She is my angel and I never stop thinking about her ever. My kids still talk about her all the time. We have an ornament for the xmas tree for her, she has her own special memory box and she has a special monkey that was hand made just for her. I dont look in her memory box yet cuz its too hard and it happened on May 26th. Over time it slowly gets easier... never better, but easier.

I just wanted to share my story with you as it is so similar to yours. If you ever need to talk, I am here always willing to listen.

 

[winterwonder]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. xxx