Comments from the Family

[Orglethorp]

Alright, so my fiancé and I are TTC #1 right now (I'm currently 2dpo on my 4th cycle, and feeling hopeful!) but we haven't told our families yet. I turned 27 this month and he'll be 26 later this year.

I'm a university student working on a 2nd undergraduate degree, and feeling like I need a break from my studies for a few semesters at this point, because I've been a university student since 2006. (sometimes part time, but still a student!) I'm also really feeling the clock ticking, because I am already 27 and we do want 2-3 kids, and I want to give all of them the best chances of being born healthy.

He's a fully certified journeyman carpenter with a full time job that is year round despite the harsh winters in this province (not the case with every company, so he's pretty lucky).

We have plans to start building our house this summer (we're being given land, but we're waiting on development to get to a point where we're allowed to start), and he doesn't want to spend on our wedding until we've built the house. That's 100% fine with me, and I love it that he's the one who wants a big wedding! We're in a great 2 bedroom basement suite right now and the landlords are fine with kids in the suite. They've got a toddler and 2 dogs upstairs, so I'm not worried about them going back on that.

My mother was my age when I was born (I'm the first born in my family). His mother had 3 by the time she was 25. His maternal grandmother (only grandparent left on his side) is only in her early 60s and already has great grandchildren from his cousins.

Now here's the problem. All 3 mothers(/grandmother) have been constantly dropping comments since we moved in together. They have an "order of things" (wedding, house, finish degree, baby) that they'd like to see us follow. My own mother is constantly worrying that if I take a break from university that I won't go back (not gonna happen! I will finish.), and that some disaster is going to strike and I'll find myself a single mother with no career. His mother & grandmother just think we should stick to a traditional order and don't really seem to have reasons. I'd like to point out right here that none of them followed this order! I attended my mother's university graduation when I was 10. He was a few months along in his mother's womb at his parents' wedding.

It's driving me nuts! How am I supposed to smile and nod when they're trying to enforce this plan on us that we clearly aren't following? We don't want to tell them until I'm at least 8 weeks along, but I don't know how I'm going to hold up to the comments once I get my bfp. Suggestions? Advice?

 

[Dill]

Gotta love family sticking their nose in your business...!

First off, while they are being incredibly insensitive and thoughtless, try to bear in mind that it's coming from a good place. They probably see it as, "I made this mistake and don't want you to, too." They mean well, really! What they are forgetting is that there's never truly a good time. If you think it's time, you think it's time, and it's your decision.

I'd just smile and nod and "uh-huh" when they say that sort of stuff. You don't have to agree with it, but it doesn't hurt to agree with the sentiment ("I love you and want what's best for you," or "I worry about you and want you to be happy.") When the time comes, they'll either be happy for you -- and I bet you'll see more of that than you expect -- or they'll make snide comments about it, and if they are awful and do the latter, I'd simply say something along the lines of, "I understand that you mean well, but this is our decision, and we are happy about expanding our family." Make it clear that you're done discussing it. Move on to something positive. Maybe you can even help them to feel loved and involved by asking Grandma to knit baby a blanket, or ask Dad how he feels about possible future building plans ("Is a spare bathroom next to the nursery a good idea?") This way, they know you mean business, but you aren't pushing them out of your life simply because you don't see eye to eye. You're still leaving yourself open to their wisdom in other areas, and letting them know that they are still appreciated.

Hang in there! I have some very pushy, nosy family, and totally understand.

 

[Orglethorp]

I know they'll all be happy for us once we announce it; I'm just finding myself really upset by all the "do things in order" comments right now while they don't know.

Also, there's no concern with father/grandfather figures. The OH's dad only grunts along when his mom's saying something (likely so he can't be accused of disagreeing ) and there are no other father/grandfather figures in the picture.

 

[MrsAJC]

There is never a perfect time to have a baby as all my friends keep telling me! You just have to do it when it feels right for you. As you say your family will be happy for you and thats all that matters.