Considering being a single mum!!

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Third Trimester' started by sonialouise82, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. sonialouise82

    sonialouise82 Well-Known Member

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    So fed up with my husband. He is so selfish.

    He works shift work on rubbish money which i have been trying to help him find a new job. Im going to have to get a job when baby is 6 months old just to make ends meet as he pays £200 a month in CSA to his ex for their kids. But cant get a job when his shifts rotate every week.

    He cant manage to sort out cover for his night shifts when im due, book holiday i ask him to or anything. Yet he can book 2 weeks off in May just so he can go to football with his brother and go to 3 Suede concerts in london. Yes 3!!! 1 after the other!!

    I have even asked him to have a word with our downstairs neighbours as we have a shared garden and i would like space to put my washing line up so i can wash and hang out baby stuff as much as poss!! And 2 months later. Guess what.... nothing!!

    Oh and not to mention the fact that he has so many clothes that he has now overtaken the whole airing cupboard of which i have had to vacate my bottom drawer just so i have somewhere to put bed sheets.

    I'm at my wits end!!! What the hell do i do? Im due in just over 8 weeks and totally fed up!

    xxx
     
  2. jobee2222

    jobee2222 Well-Known Member

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    Dont make any life-changing decisions just yet, if when baby comes he still hasn't changed then that would be a good time to consider going solo. Men are a bit backward sometimes and they need you to rub the baby in their face for them to know its real. Hopefully he will grow from a boy to a man, that is what fatherhood is there for afterall. Best of luck!
     
  3. oaklvr

    oaklvr Well-Known Member

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    I would get rid of some of his clothing while he's at work. I would tell the neighbors yourself about the clothesline, because he's not going to do it. I would be mad over the concert thing he's booked! But I wouldn't go as far as to leave him, not right now. Single-motherhood sounds appealing at times, and sometimes it IS, but the struggles of finances are major. Instead of going back to work at 6 months (not sure if you're on mat leave or how that works there) you'd be going back very quickly, since your child may get less money for child support (in the U.S. it's first child- most money, it's not divided evenly, so if it's like that over there, then your child would get the least percentage) Since he doesn't have good wages, they probably wouldn't give you much of it in spousal support either. I would wait until the baby is here and see if he helps out and is a good father, that's important, and would trump being a single-mom most days.
     
  4. CMarie

    CMarie Guest

    Personally, I think a lot of this has to do with your hormones. I'm not trying to sound harsh or anything, but leaving your husband, especially now, would be the worst idea ever unless he was maybe physically harming you.

    Have you tried calmly talking to him? I know once 30 weeks hit for me, I needed A LOT more help with things around the house and also help emotionally from my hubby as the anxiety about labor has been crazy. Little reminders here and there helps my husband to remember things I asked him to do.

    Like the other girls have mentioned, don't make any life changing decisions right now. There are a ton of hormones going through your body atm and I know your husband may not seem supportive/helpful now, but in 8 weeks when you're in labour you're really going to need his support.
     
  5. LuvBeingAMum

    LuvBeingAMum MuMto3Pink&Expecting

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    Aww hugs there not the best at times but. Hopefully your man turns up trumps for you hun, I split with my immature lying cheating bf because of all what he did but I didn't have much choice in the matter and he's nasty now, pls give it time if you can, maybe have a break away from eachother for few days? It might be all he needs to make him realise what a pain he's been, hope it workrs out for you x x
     
  6. NOMORENUMBERS

    NOMORENUMBERS Well-Known Member

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    i agree with the 3rd post, being a single mother isnt just about getting your lazy and selfish oh out the house, it means not bringing your child up with a father, it means living tough financially, your child will suffer the most.

    i understand that there are women out there that have to simply leave their partners because they are being abused, or their partner has a dangerous habit or purely because they are genuinely not good to be near. we are talking dangerous addiction, violent men, serial liars and cheats, the really bad sort of men. these women HAVE to leave their oh, to leave your oh because he is quite frankly still immature and selfish is absolutely not on the same level and is not really the first option that should enter your mind.

    i would honestly sit down with him and be frank with him. it isnt your job to go through his things and move them so give him an option, we do it together tomorrow, you do it on your own within the next week or leave it a week and i will be going through it alone.

    in relation to the concert that just shows that this is a classic case of being selfish and immature and no you do not deserve that at all but at the same time the problem with selfish and immature people is that they do not realise most of the time that they are in fact selfish and immature.

    my dh is a wonderful person and husband but i had to come down hard on him a couple of times when he actually thought i was being unreasonable by only letting him get 12 hours sleep instead of wel limitless sleep lol. i will never forget the look on his face when he realised how bad it was that he was behaving like that and we have never looked back since!

    i know it isnt always as easy as saying look you are wrong here and then bam everything works out but at least attempting to work things out and talk things through

    i dont want to sound patronising and believe me i have been with immature idiots so i know how it feels to be made to feel completely 2 inches tall by someones behaviour but people give up way too easily these days. if you havent communicated and really really toughed things out and if something massively serious hasnt happened then it isnt give up time

    sorry if i am rambling and am being harsh but honestly hun do you really want your child to not have a dad really and for you to both be living fairly hard up? sitting in a nasty council flat in a nasty area because that was all that was available all because of some wardrobe space and a concert?

    chin up and communicate xkx
     
  7. LadyHutch

    LadyHutch HutchMom

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    Alright, confession:

    I married a selfish idiot. Yep.

    He does all kinds of dumb, selfish things that piss me off.

    But you know what? He also does a lot of great things. There is a reason I married him. I knew he was a selfish idiot before I married him, and never fooled myself into believing that he would change.

    I also knew he wasn't going to turn into Saint Prince Charming just because I am knocked up. And I was right...he didn't. He's still my lovable, self absorbed asshat, still the mork of my dreams.

    I'd chalk this fit up to hormones. And I agree...go talk to the neighbors yourself. Its likely they are going to be more agreeable with the sweet, pregnant lady next door than the bully husband. And at least he is working. It even sounds like he is working consistently and hard.

    So he took a bit of vacation to go to some concerts. And wants to go see a football thingy. He deserves some time off too. In his mind, i guarantee, he is thinking: I never take time off, I work to support my family, I deserve a break I can enjoy. And he's probably right.

    I am still working 28 weeks in, plan to work up til they wheel my big butt into the hospital, and returning to work as soon as possible. Sounds to me like you are blessed with a man who is supporting you and baby, and isn't asking you to work. Mine doesn't want me working, I just choose to so we can have a little better life. But dang, cut the dude some slack.


    Sorry for disagreeing, but it isn't like this guy is whoring around or smacking you about. He's just a typical man. They are all selfish morons. It's part of the appeal I think.
     
  8. Pixles

    Pixles Well-Known Member

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    Phone his work and book it for him?? I would, but then im pushy. Let him have his fun and do his concerts, be the last ones for a while and sort his cloths out and get rid of some while hes out. If he dosent like it, then maybe i would concider it after babys born to leave him, because some men act like children when there afraid so dont do it now, as he could become perfect after babys born. =) Good luck!
     
  9. sonialouise82

    sonialouise82 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks guys. Just worries me that no matter how reasonable i am with him and how many times i ask him to sort things out he never does.

    He never takes time off for us and is even making me feel guilty about how much time i would like him to take off after the baby is born.

    As for growing up when the baby is born, he already has kids with an ex so if he doesnt now i doubt he ever will.

    I do love him so much but fed up with constantly feeling like shit and asking him to sort out the same stuff over and over again until im literally blue in the face.

    I will have a word with the neighbours. You are right its prob better coming from me anyway and as for working to support us. He is already telling me to apply for jobs and i havent even had him yet. The only reason im off now is because my previous contract ended so ended up going onto maternity pay until bubs is 6 months.

    xx
     
  10. LadyHutch

    LadyHutch HutchMom

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    Sounds like you love him, and to me, sounds like he isn't so bad.

    Maybe make a list of ten things you absolutely love about him....every day for a week, ten different things. It might change your perspective and bring you some peace.
     
  11. cyanidepill

    cyanidepill Well-Known Member

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    I have had to kick my husbands arse into gear to get off his butt and paint the nursery and my sons room and to quit with his 5 hours walks with his stupid dog or playing on the PS3 for hours, or watching repeats of sodding top gear time after time.

    It got to the point where i was at breaking point with him, and i sat and sobbed infront of him how i can't do these things and how much i need him, how we need him to do these things for us. Yes we had several arguments because he would have to get his arse into gear - but it's finally sunk in....he's on day 2 of painting my sons room, the nursery is ready for it's new carpet on monday and he's not doing a bad job. Definately more pro-active now with the baby thing.

    I would sit down and grill him. Sometimes men are just very very dense and self absorbed that they need us to literally drill it into them that we need them. xx
     
  12. MissFish

    MissFish Well-Known Member

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    Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling this way! *hugs!

    My OH is making my life miserable right now as well.

    Everyone says they will shape up when baby gets here but I am not okay with feeling like crap the rest of my pregnancy bc they are "being men" such a lame excuse!!

    Good luck sweetie
     

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