Decision to have only one child?

[bump.on.brain]

So, I've probably headed over here a little early as DD is only 10 months old, but I thought you ladies might have a bit more insight into the way I'm feeling at the moment.

Basically, DH and I discussed it a few times over the last year, and came to the decision that for us it would be best to only have one child. It was a rational decision for reasons such as:
* the health issues I had in pregnancy
* the health issues DD has had since being born, which are apparently likely to also happen in future children (which also makes me concerned that if #2 suddenly needed a lot of care, DD could feel pushed out)
* financially we would like to be able to provide everything that DD needs in terms of good childcare, education etc, and might struggle a bit if we had 2 to provide for

As I said, I was involved in the decision, and rationally believe it is probably what is best for our family.... But at least once a month, I go through a phase where it makes me feel really sad to think that we will have no more children. I start remembering the excitement of being pregnant, the rush of love you have for your baby, and wonder how I will feel in years to come and whether I will regret never having that second child.

I guess what I'm wondering is whether anybody else has made these choices/feels this way? Is it just hormones putting the doubts in my mind? I feel like my body and brain are in a battle, and if I carry on like this for the next 10 years I may well drive myself mad!!!

(For the record, DH still adamantly does not want #2) Any advice or opinions would be very appreciated!!

 

[kizzyt]

I'd say dont make any final decisions just yet, go with the flow and see how you both feel further down the line. Its easy to make a decision when everything is relatively new but there's no reason why you cant change your mind further along, just enjoy your lo for now and see what happens. I am sure you and your OH can have a further discussion about it if you really feel you want more

(FYI my DD is 20 months and we've decided to stick with just one and people still say to me "Oh you'll change your mind", cant see it happening though!)

 

[ellie27]

My first thought is ........time? What age are you? If you under 35 then you do have time to put it at the back of your mind. But if you are much older then perhaps that would be a reason for having to actually decide soon whether you want to try for another child or not.

And as said above, deciding 'no more' just now doesnt mean thats it! You may feel differently in a few years time.

 

[lozzy21]

At 10 months i could not face another child. I had a traumatic birth which left me with PTSD and depression. At two i was sooooo broody. Were going to be TTC after we get married next year.

Dont make any final decisions yet, wait till your LO is older and see how you feel when shes three.

 

[Noelle610]

I think you'll find this interesting/helpful:

https://https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/only-children-lonely-and-selfish.html

 

[seoj]

I agree that you should just table the idea for now... I do think, no matter when you decide your family is complete, there will be those "moments" you are a little sad. My hubby and I don't want any more kids. We are both 39 we both have fertility issues and went through SO much to get our LO. Plus we have his daughter (who just turned 16) full time and we do feel like our family is complete and we are happy with our decision. BUT- there are for sure those fleeting moments I still wonder... but then reality sinks in. tbh though- if it was something I REALLY wanted- I wouldn't shut that door (no matter how old or fertily challenged I am- lol)-- but I am happy and feel complete. They are just fleeting thoughts when I see a pregnant woman- as I loved being pregnant! So I'd love to rewind back to some of those moment- but not do them again if that makes sense.

You never truly know what you may feel tomorrow or next year though hun... it's Ok and natural to think about it. Maybe just allow yourself to leave that door cracked- so you don't struggle with the finality of it all right now?

 

[Ceejay123]

I really wanted another quite soon after Riley was born... Then I completely did a 180, I don't think ill have any more.

Riley had a high chance of not making it, which I was never told because the hospital were covering their backs after it took them 6 weeks to realise he'd stopped growing. In the future the chances are it will happen again, and I'm too scared of a preemie baby that could be so ill, I'd feel so guilty. I also can't imagine loving another child the way I love Riley.

I know it's all a big cliche... But for now at least, I'm settled with one, although I do feel guilty from time to time that I'm not giving Riley a sibling. X

 

[bump.on.brain]

Thank you all so much for your replies, they're really helpful. I think you're right that even if we had 2, 3 or more, I would probably still have those moments of doubt! I definitely can't commit to a final decision right now, because it makes me too sad to think of never having more children. I guess I'll just have to try and make my peace with waiting and seeing. That shouldn't be hard, but somehow it is!!