Depressed and Guilty

[sadeyedlady]

I've been wanting baby no. 2 for years but never tried as we weren't in the right place financially so this pregnancy was a surprise.

The moment I got my BFP I was terrified and cried. I cried telling OH. I cried telling my immediate family and close friends. Deep down I still feel devestated. When someone mentions the baby I feel sick and my anxiety skyrockets.

My life had just fallen into a fantastic place where everything was looking up. Now I feel like I'm starting all over again. Just like when I had my first child as a teenager. At the time I also suffered from serious post natal depression which was never treated.

It's been 6 weeks since I've found out and I still cry. I even bought a doppler to hear babies heartbeat but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I'm gonna have to tell people in work soon and I feel sick thinking about it.

I truly feel terrible and guilty writing this. All I've wanted for years is another baby. And I think about all those amazing couples ttc and how painful it must be.

Is this a normal thing to go through? Surely 6 weeks is long enough to accept it? Does this feeling ever go away? Because right now I think I need to talk to a professional (Not that I want to in the slightest)

 

[Mrs B.]

Depression is rarely logical, and you have so many hormones running through you, it isn't helping. Don't feel guilty about your depression causing you to have these feelings... it's not your fault. Remind yourself of how much you want no.2 (that won't have changed, no matter what your feelings are telling you right now) and remind yourself that any sad feelings are down to the depression. Please speak to your doc and ask for help. There are many things they can do and having had depression in the past does make you more likely to get it again. If you've given it some time to clear up and it hasn't, talking to someone will start you in the right direction.

It'll be okay

 

[sadeyedlady]

Thank you MrsB. Life's a bitch

 

[SarahA]

I struggled with terrible depression during my first pregnancy, especially during first trimester, with all the new hormones. It got easier as time went on because I felt my son move and could bond a bit more with him. But, honestly, I struggled for the whole pregnancy. Antenatal depression and anxiety is much more normal that we think, but no one talks about it because when you're pregnant, you feel like you're supposed to be happy all the time, and when you don't feel that way, it's kind of embarrassing, so you keep it to yourself. My only real advice is to talk to your doctor/midwife about it. Keeping it a secret was the worst thing for me. And please know that you're not alone in the way you're feeling. It's hard, but it's common.

 

[sadeyedlady]

Thank you SarahA. You hit the nail on the head. Everybody around you is happy and excited which they should be! Babies are always amazing.

It's just so difficult when you don't feel that way. It's such a taboo subject which nobody talks about.

I'm terrified at the thoughts of my Dr sending me to talk to somebody. I have lots of baggage that's been locked away and I dont think now is the time to open that can of worms.

 

[misspriss]

I have also struggled with depression and anxiety this pregnancy. This pregnancy was also unexpected.

We went with a different approach, we just didn't tell anyone really until it became obvious. I didn't want their reactions, and I think I felt like if I didn't talk about it or tell it was like it wasn't happening.

I already suffered from general anxiety. It doesn't help that I have pretty much no support system, and most of family reactions have been lukewarm at best to downright vile.

I talked to my doctor and he said there are medications that are safe, but I feel like I am coming out of it a bit as I get more into the second tri.

 

[sadeyedlady]

Misspriss thanks for sharing. I feel the same. If I don't talk about it then it's not really happening. Surely that can't be healthy though walking around in denial.

Was there anything in particular hat happened in 2nd tri that helped you?

 

[babifever]

Your not alone. Maybe journaling everything will help, it did for me last time and I've started a new one. We are here to support you. I would talk to my doc as well, to make sure it's nothing underlining, yet pregnancy does bring on lots of hormones

 

[babifever]

Also thus pregnancy is unexpected and unplanned, we are not in best position at all and I've recently lost weight so I personally feel a way about that. Everything will be okay

 

[sadeyedlady]

Thank you babifever. A journal sounds like it could be a good idea. I see you have one online. Do you prefer online or writing down in paper? Also I've never had a journal before. Do you just write about your day? Like conversations you've had, places you've been, what you've eaten etc?

 

[babifever]

Thank you babifever. A journal sounds like it could be a good idea. I see you have one online. Do you prefer online or writing down in paper? Also I've never had a journal before. Do you just write about your day? Like conversations you've had, places you've been, what you've eaten etc?

I definitely prefer online and I plan to print them out soon and put in a nice binder for keepsakes..... Click on the link on signature for my current one, and on that one you will see another link to the one from last pregnancy. And write about anything that comes to mind love..... your feelings , thoughts, desires, dislikes, etc. You are welcome to follow me , I would love to follow you as well if my decide on it.

 

[xdxxtx]

I think it is important to work on figuring this out and getting it sorted. I was headed for surgery when I couldn't pass a pregnancy test and found out my second-born was coming. I was devastated. I needed this surgery, and I had to cancel it for the pregnancy. I never bonded with the baby and felt depressed throughout the entire pregnancy. It wasn't that I didn't want a baby. I did!! But the timing could not have been worse! I also had awful postpartum depression, as well. That baby is going to be 4 in June, and I still struggle to bond with him. I always make it a point to tell people when they say they're struggling during pregnancy that they've got to find some time to bond now instead of waiting and struggling...possibly forever.

I think it's time for you to draw yourself a nice, warm bath if possible... or heck, just make the bed and light some candles and just lay in bed alone for about an hour... And let this out. Go ahead. Cry. Figure out what's going on. No phone, no computer, no distractions. Just go ahead and let your emotions out. Then, figure out why you feel this way. Is this reminding you of how scary it was to be pregnant as a teen? Are you just worried about getting postpartum depression again? Are you worried you'll end up in a bad state, financially? Afraid your relationship will suffer? What, exactly, is going on here? (Now, of course, don't tell me. Tell yourself!)

Maybe write down all of your anxieties. Go ahead and cry over them. Take all the time you need. Then, go back over them and see what you can do about them.

I'll try a few examples here... Say you wrote....

"I'm afraid I'll get postpartum depression again." Okay, so you'll talk to your doctor about it this time, and you'll get put on pills for it. Or you'll use natural remedies like exercise and eating well and spending lots of time outside. There are plenty of options here.

"I'm afraid I'll struggle as a new parent again." We all struggle in those early days. They suck! But soon enough, our babies are smiling and laughing, and they're so cute and sweet and snuggly, and we can enjoy them - and hopefully get a lot more sleep.

"I'm afraid my relationship will fail." Talk this out with your partner. You've been through a lot, and you've made it through all of those struggles. You'll make it through this, too. Snuggle and hug one another, and spend some time alone without distractions to discuss your feelings and just share love with one another.

Here's my biggest piece of advice, though. If you are alone and truly without distraction, and you're thinking about this pregnancy and trying to figure out what is making you depressed and anxious, and you can't figure it out, PLEASE call your doctor. You are clearly suffering here. You're anxious and depressed, and if you can't figure out why, then it's a chemical imbalance, and you need to be treated for this depression. YES. I get depression when I'm pregnant. The hormones will do that to ya sometimes. I get postpartum depression. The hormones will do that, too, sometimes. I think it's important to spend lots of time outside. Take some Vitamin D3 supplements. Give yourself plenty of opportunities to smile and laugh and enjoy life, but if nothing is making you feel better, then you need to do what you need to do, and sometimes that involves medication/anti-depressants. That's okay. There are plenty of options that are safe during pregnancy. And this could turn your whole entire mindset around. PLEASE don't worry about having to see a "therapist" or whatever because their entire job is NOT to judge you. And I know that my OB will offer me anti-depressants if I need them without making me go see a therapist. Yours may, too.

 

[sadeyedlady]

Thank you xdxxtx. That is a great idea and will definitely try it. Thank you for your great advice.

Thank you everybody. You are all fantastic and so supportive. I will keep you all posted. What wonderful understanding people you all are.

Thank you❤

 

[misspriss]

Misspriss thanks for sharing. I feel the same. If I don't talk about it then it's not really happening. Surely that can't be healthy though walking around in denial.

Was there anything in particular hat happened in 2nd tri that helped you?

Having a super long talk with my husband about how I felt. Having more sex. Lots of prayer. Feeling more movement. Being honest with people online about how I felt.

Really now I actually try to talk about the baby every day, no more of the "no talking about it makes it not real" thing, which I don't think is very healthy. My kids have responded well, My older one kisses my belly all the time, my younger girl (20 months) came running in the room pointing at my belly yelling "baby in there! baby in there!". I bought a few things for the baby. I made a registry, even though I know I won't get a shower and no one will buy for me, it's nice to dream and you do get some completion discounts.

But mostly talking about it. It still gets to me sometimes, but not as often.

 

[broodymrs]

I felt very conflicted until about 22 weeks. I desperately wanted a baby but once I was pregnant I was constantly ill and utterly exhausted. I felt I was failing my son as a mother as I struggled to look after him, I had massive anxiety over telling anyone I was pregnant and the gender was a big issue for me because of previous reactions from my first pregnancy. I saw my gp and was referred for counselling. The gp and midwife were fantastic. I avoided meds but they would have happily prescribed them if I wanted. Around 22 weeks I started to feel better and over time things massively improved. I feel absolutely fine now and am excited for this little one to join us. I think the turning point for me was the 20 week scan. I'd got so hung up on what people thought that actually once I knew the gender I stopped caring so much what anyone else thought. I realised my feelings had been a bit irrational anyway. I got signed off from work which was a major cause of stress for me and I finished my studies which again was stressing me. So it was basically some changes in my life, combined with a shift in my perception that helped me. But I don't think it's something you can rush and the important thing is you seek help from professionals to deal with it.