Desperate to start TTC!!!

[Sam86]

Hiya everyone, i'm so glad i found this forum as i dont really have any female friends around me to talk to about this stuff (or non that would be interested!)..

After my first miscarriage of our un expected pregnancy about 2 weeks ago, i'm really desperate to actually start trying for real.
I'm down because my fiancee has no plans for kids for "a good few years yet" but to me thats millions of years away and I cant wait!!!

I understand him completely which is why i feel bad feeling like i want one now NOW NOW NOW!
He is 20 next week and i am 22 next week (3 days after him) and he is in his 3rd yr of uni when he starts again next month, so i know he wants to do his thing and finish his degree, get a good job etc..

I have been working full time for over a year now after finishing college, i've never been career minded, i have always just wanted to be a mother and raise children, so for me this is difficult to think that i'm waiting for him to want our children.
I dont want to be with anyone else, he is the love of my life, my first love, my first everything, but sometimes i cant help but feel a bit angry that i'm putting my life on hold whilst he has his life.

Am i being really selfish?
I think i feel even more anger towards him when he says about waiting for kids, because before my M/C we had an appointment booked for a termination because he didnt want it. He cried and cried and said we wouldnt cope, and i would say 'ok ok im sorry we wont have it'. Yet when i cried, i just cried and he would say nothing.

Sometimes i think i'll just get pregnant and not tell him until its too late, but i know i would never do that. I want us BOTH to want a baby. It's just a fustrating situation.

.. sorry to rant.. like i say, i have no female friends to use!!!


Sam. xxx

 

[nightkd]

OMG! Scarily similar situation. We haven't been pregnant yet, but I feel exactly the same and you've described my feelings almost precisely.

I know how hard it is to want a baby when your partner is so set against it and wants to wait.

I understand why my partner wants to wait, but for me I just want to settle down and get on with life, who gives a toss about work and stuff? If a baby comes along you HAVE to deal with it and everything works out around it... It's the whole "We can't cope" thing that gets me, if I got pregnant we'd HAVE to cope and I'm sure we would. It's gonna be tough either way, planned or unplanned, and I'd just prefer to have the baby now and make life work around me instead of me working around life.

..Stoopid life.

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

I also just wanted to say that i also know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry for your loss, and as i haven't been pregnant yet i can't relate to that. But as for the wanting a baby right now and not wanting to wait yet being forced to i can relate to that 100%. And it's such a horrible feeling, like you my aim in life is to have children and settle down, i'm not bothered about the money and all that. Like you i also feel that my OH is being selfish in saying that i have to wait until he's ready, what makes his feelings more important than mine?! and also like you i have considered just getting pregnant anyway. But i know that wouldn't be fair on my OH or baby if it's dad didn't want to know. Yet still the way i feel won't go away.

Also, as nightkd said...if we got pregnant unplanned then we would have to cope with it somehow and i know we'd manage. So why can't we do it now. Rather than in a few years...which to me feels like a lifetime away

 

[claire1983]

So sorry to hear you lost your baby. I am also desperate to start trying but my partner wants to make sure the timing is just right - I keep telling him it will never be just the right time but I have to respect his decision - we have agreed to probably start trying in Dec/Jan but I have a feeling when we get there he will want to wait a bit longer! I think your hormones are flying free at the moment from your recent loss and I think it probably would be a good idea to at least let things calm down and wait a couple of months and see how you feel then. Good luck

 

[Reedy]

I can totally understand where your coming from as up untill last week I was feeling the same but DH has come around to the idea & we're going to start TTC next month. It came as such a lovely suprise bcus he told me only a few months ago that he wasnt ready which did hurt but something I had to deal with bcus I would never want him to do this just to make me happy but he said he had been thinking about it & thinks it would be nice to have a baby around x What I'm trying to say is if you leave it for a bit they may come round to the idea earlier than you think x

We've been together 6 & a half years & I think now is the right time for us x
I dont mean to cause offence to anyone but Katy & Nightkd you havent been with your OH for very long why not enjoy the time you have together by going away on holiday together & enjoying meals out & enjoying your new relationship x I know its hard when you want something so bad but your OHs may think its a bit early to be thinking about kids yet & they want to spend time as a couple (just my opinion I may be wrong) I wish you all the best for the future x x x

Please please please dont take what I'm saying as an offence bcus thats not what I intend x

 

[Sam86]

Reedy I totally understand what you're saying about partners wanting to enjoy couple time before a baby comes along, thats what my fiancee says. "I want to enjoy us two first..we wont be able to just go to the pub when we want.." all fair points!
The other day when we were walking in town and past a lady with a baby, i said something like "at least we dont have to be paying out for a baby now" and his reply was "we'd have coped it just wouldnt have been sensible" And in my mind i was like.. :-O !!) bcos when i was pregnant all he said was how HE wouldnt cope, its not want HE wants yet and it may drive us apart. That didnt make me feel very good about our relationship. Didnt feel like he was being very supportive.

Katy & nightkd - im so glad im not the only one who feels like i do.

I will continue with this post when i have time but right now i have work. baaah.

xxx

 

[Chris77]

Hi Sam Welcome!

I know how you feel. I waited 3 long years before we were able to TTC. It'll go fast though, you'll see.

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

Reedy, i understand what you're saying and i'm not offended at all. But our relationship has been very intense from the word go and we've already done all the going on holiday, going out for meals etc etc stuff. We essentially lived together from about a month into the relationship...i stayed at his one night and never went home. I guess we just do things a lot quicker than most others. So from my point of view its only natural that i'm at that next stage of wanting to settle down and have a family.

Sam, sorry your OH isn't very supportive and also that he seems to have changed his opinion now that the baby isn't going to be here. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be!

 

[Sam86]

*sigh* this is only the beginning. We had a discussion tonight and he said how worried he was that we want different things. He said a baby was the last thing on his mind and wouldnt be wanting one for a good few years. So now im here wondering if thats the case, why am i with someone who doesnt want what i want. Im so angry. Like its all him him him.
I know we cant have a baby when he doesnt want one. But what about ME and my needs. It's all about him.
We're meant to be going to the family planning clinic tomorrow for the morning after pill but, and i know this is a terrible thing to say and do, i'm not going. And if i'm pregnant, this time he will have to deal with what I decide. Not him. Because, honestly, i'm fed up of living my life by someone else and doing what they want.

I just wish things were different!!

xx

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

I know exactly how you feel. I had this conversation with my OH very recently. Why are his wants more important than mine?! he always says he'll do absolutely anything to make me happy, but he obviously won't! I even debated splitting up with him the other day because it seems to be as though we both want entirely different things from life. I just hope that he does come round to my way of thinking pretty soon

 

[littlestar]

i've been with my dh for 8years married for 5! We met when i was at uni and although we always said we would have kids we have waited for when we both feel emotionally mature to deal with them (i have a bit of a phobia).
DH wouldn't contemplate them before april this year, then all of a sudden it was like a light had switched on in his head and he's gone all mushy and cooey and then we decided to start trying.
Men aren't typically geared up for it like we are i've been broody for a couple of years but everytime i saw a baby i almost ran away from them, scared i guess! So I guess we're both now ready and destined to be parents - we are TTC but it ain't happened yet!

everything will come together in time, enjoy the freedom you have together while it lasts. rushing in can have consequences later. although my parents (mum was 17 when i was born) married when pregnant with me and still with my dad 28 years later, never ever lived together without kids until last december when my brother moved out, are still going strong - they would say the coped! but it was by no means ideal.

 

[ls27]

.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I have been working full time for over a year now after finishing college, i've never been career minded, i have always just wanted to be a mother and raise children, so for me this is difficult to think that i'm waiting for him to want our children.
I dont want to be with anyone else, he is the love of my life, my first love, my first everything, but sometimes i cant help but feel a bit angry that i'm putting my life on hold whilst he has his life.


Sam. xxx

Same here.

I don't think you are selfish, how you feel is very normal and valid. I understand. I had a m/c, and I would give my left pinky toe to be preggo again. Well, maybe not lol but you get the picture.

 

[Katia-xO]

I know exactly how you feel. I had this conversation with my OH very recently. Why are his wants more important than mine?! he always says he'll do absolutely anything to make me happy, but he obviously won't! I even debated splitting up with him the other day because it seems to be as though we both want entirely different things from life. I just hope that he does come round to my way of thinking pretty soon

Gah i feel rather the same as you!!! I've only been with my OH for a short time too, but we've also done everything like holidays + such. We're going to a christening on Sunday and he said "i can't wait til it's one of our kids christenings you know". Then the next minute as soon as i'm interested in what he's saying, "wait a few years, we've got ages yet" and he also pretends i havent said things to him too so he doesn't have to talk to me about it sometimes. Grr!

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

I tried to have a chat with my OH about it yesterday. I tried to do it light heartedly yesterday but he just said "we'll talk about it when it's time" but he won't tell me when that will be! I'm just enjoying being with him at the minute now though

 

[cazd]

Another SNAP here! And some advice for the desperate!

I'm ready to start a family but my OH isn't.
I mean... I'm more than ready and last month I went OTT.
Get ready for TMI - I tried to encourage what would otherwise be wasted juice in the right direction!

Although I'm desperate to get pregnant I'm so pleased that it didn't happen that way.
I don't think I could have lived with myself.

I love my husband very much and I'm glad I didn't do it to him.
A baby is a lifetime's committment and who am I to tie him into it when he's not ready.

So... be warned - I spend 3 weeks praying that I hadn't conned my man into having a child. For a healthy, happy family - it has to take committment from both of you.
Having a baby by tricking my OH would've been hell to live with.

Good Luck with it - keep talking about it - and make sure he knows how much it means to you.

xxx

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

Another SNAP here! And some advice for the desperate!

I'm ready to start a family but my OH isn't.
I mean... I'm more than ready and last month I went OTT.
Get ready for TMI - I tried to encourage what would otherwise be wasted juice in the right direction!

Although I'm desperate to get pregnant I'm so pleased that it didn't happen that way.
I don't think I could have lived with myself.

I love my husband very much and I'm glad I didn't do it to him.
A baby is a lifetime's committment and who am I to tie him into it when he's not ready.

So... be warned - I spend 3 weeks praying that I hadn't conned my man into having a child. For a healthy, happy family - it has to take committment from both of you.
Having a baby by tricking my OH would've been hell to live with.

Good Luck with it - keep talking about it - and make sure he knows how much it means to you.

xxx

Thanks for this post. I was a little bit worried the other week because in checking for him that none had gone in (if you get me) i started to worry that i might have pushed it in and then he'd think i'd done it on purpose. Made me realise that i 100% could never trick him into it no matter how badly i want it

 

[cazd]

Isn't it odd though.... its like being told "you can't have children"

 

[Dream.A.Dream]

Yeah it's horrible, i just hope he comes round sooner rather than later

 

[FsMummy]

Hi i've got an 18 month old lil girl and am so excited about ttc #2. only thing is i dont want too small an age gap between them so we're waiting till about june nxt year which sucks but i know its whats best for us in the long run. x