DH changed his mind... I need a hug :(

[fizzypop]

So we've been ttc #2 for 6/7 months now.. but my husband told me this morning that he's changed his mind and doesn't want to any more. He doesn't want more children. He doesn't want DD to have to share attention or love. (I know that's ridiculous!!).

I just feel so devastated. I know I have my beautiful daughter and that's more than I could ever have wished for.. but I just feel like I'm grieving for a life she'll never have. No brother or sister to play with.. to build dens with and watch out for each other at school. To moan to about her parents! To get up to mischief with.. to snuggle up in bed with when she has a nightmare. All the things i had with my brother. I am so grateful for my baby girl and I don't deserve to be upset about not having another.. I know this.. but I feel cheated. I was put on this earth to have a hoard of children! To sit them all on my knee and wrap them all in my arms.. my brood.

I'm just so devastated and sad. He's just changed his mind after my friend came round with her baby and saw that DD got less attention.. and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel empty.

Anyway sorry for the selfish misery.. no one knew we were trying so there's noone I know who will understand my disappointment.

 

[gemgem77]

Oh hun I'm so sorry. I can only guess how your feeling as I suffered a mc in Feb which would have veen no2 and then hubby announced it wasn't the right time. After a lot of rows and discussions we're trying again in August.
If he only said this today I would try to take a step back for a few days (easier said than done I know) and then have a discussion with him again when emotions aren't running so high. He may well just be having a wobble and get back on track very soon xx

 

[fizzypop]

Thanks hun.. no I think this is it. We'll see though I suppose.

so sorry for your loss and i hope you get your second baby very soon xxxx

 

[purplecupcake]

When you had decided to try for another, was it spur of the moment or something you talked about a lot?

If he suddenly changed his mind, he may suddenly change it back again, you never know. Is there anything else that could have changed his mind? Change in finances, new job, moving, etc?

 

[BunnyN]

Aw hugs. I agree you shouldn't give up yet. Have you told him how you feel and how you think having a brother or sister will benefit her? When your friend came over was it your DD that got less attention? You could try pointing out that a new baby (kind of like a cute puppy) will always get a lot of attention but that is only temporary and it doesn't mean you will love DD any less. It's important for children to get individual time and attention but it can be good for them to learn the world doesn't revolve only around them too. Having a second can make the first closer to their dad . If he doesn't go for that maybe you could compromise and agree on a bigger age gap. I was close to my brother and sister despite big gaps. It won't be long before she is asking for a sibling herself!

 

[BabyCleo]

Awwww im sorry, that really sucks. can you talk to him about it again?

 

[Mom2sam]

Hi hun i see u suffered frm hyperemesis i did too until end with my Ds was aweful i couldn't do anything normal until i gave birth & this was reason we for past 6 years have bn so indesicive about trying for #2. But nw aftr 6 years finally both are on same grounds & happy t try again as DS has turned 7 & he himself asks constantly why everyone has siblings & he doesn't. I regret leaving it so long. Anyway i thnk in time maybe ur DH will come round to it & i nw see hw i thought we could gv DS all the attention he nds wasn't the same as having siblings. i hope ur DH does change hs mind & u cn both talk about this some more. Maybe explain DD might nt notice it yet but will want siblings or other kids t grow up with & we as parents cn gv as much attention as we want but it's not the same. Was othr way round for us. My DH wanted more but i ws too afraid of gtn Hyperemesis again & nt being able t care f DS but i nw desperately want a sibling for him. nw that he is 7 i can clearly see i should'v dne this sooner. DH is over the moon that i finally agreed & has shown me a few months of nt being able t gv DS attention is nothing compared t him getting a sibling for life. DH has a big family 5 siblings & i hav 6 & don't want him being an only child nw. I hope ur Dh sees that too. Sometimes it just takes one partner a little longer t b ready x

 

[fizzypop]

Thanks ladies for your replies.. I don't think he will change his mind. He was unsure before ttc but then decided he did want another when he saw DD playing with her friends. But now has changed his mind after almost 7 months of ttc! It's not even like it took over our lives - I quietly charted temps etc and didn't put pressure on during ovulation and I didn't let gim see my tears when af showed.. He won't discuss it anyway.. he just says he wont talk about it because he's made his decision and it's final.

mom2sam.... if he's honest I think hyperemesis is a major factor in him not wanting another.. it is for me too.. I'd pretty much lose out on 6-9months of DD's life if I was anything like last time.. I don't want that but I know it would be for her benefit in the long term when she gets her brother or sister. Or not now! Anyway.. I hope you don't get it again next time - it's the worst thing I've ever experienced!

 

[GreyGirl]

So sorry

 

[BunnyN]

I had HG too but thankfully only until about 17 weeks. It was far worse than labour, I even said that while in labour so it's not like I'm looking back on labour with rosy glasses. TTC again with LO being so young scares me and some days I change my mind. If I get pregnant again I know I'm going to regret it at some point and I don't like that. I can see why your OH would be scared but I also know what it's like to desperately want another one despite all the reasons not to.

 

[Mom2sam]

I had HG too but thankfully only until about 17 weeks. It was far worse than labour, I even said that while in labour so it's not like I'm looking back on labour with rosy glasses. TTC again with LO being so young scares me and some days I change my mind. If I get pregnant again I know I'm going to regret it at some point and I don't like that. I can see why your OH would be scared but I also know what it's like to desperately want another one despite all the reasons not to.

My sis is 10 weeks pregnant & has a DS who is also 10 months old & she has hg too & she did say her Lo is more attatched to daddy nw & before was stuck to her so she feels guilty but i kp re assuring her wont be forever & Her Lo wont evn remember afterwards. Her hg is milder than with her first too so u never knw hopefully u dont get it again but if you do hv u got a plan in place? She startd meds soon as she gt her bfp so hasn't been as bad ths time x

 

[Mom2sam]

Thanks ladies for your replies.. I don't think he will change his mind. He was unsure before ttc but then decided he did want another when he saw DD playing with her friends. But now has changed his mind after almost 7 months of ttc! It's not even like it took over our lives - I quietly charted temps etc and didn't put pressure on during ovulation and I didn't let gim see my tears when af showed.. He won't discuss it anyway.. he just says he wont talk about it because he's made his decision and it's final.

mom2sam.... if he's honest I think hyperemesis is a major factor in him not wanting another.. it is for me too.. I'd pretty much lose out on 6-9months of DD's life if I was anything like last time.. I don't want that but I know it would be for her benefit in the long term when she gets her brother or sister. Or not now! Anyway.. I hope you don't get it again next time - it's the worst thing I've ever experienced!

Thanks hun i'v decided this time to start meds soon as i get my bfp rather than leave it until i'm dehydrated & it gets out of control. it's such a tough decision & thats y taken this long but guess easier nw that DS is 7 & understands as wen i gt pregnant last year he was so good he used to bring my bucket wen i ws sick or rub my back & kp reassuring me i couldn't beleive hw mature he ws being about it all. So i knew it would be worth it sadly mc at 8 wks & nw he kps saying mum dont worry wen baby is back in ur tummy & if ur sick again me & daddy will take care of you.

Maybe see hw u feel wen dd is a little older & u never knw DH might see later that she does need a sibling & change his mind. We realised wen ours started school & kept questioning why he is the only one who doesn't have brothers & sisters x

 

[fizzypop]

Thanks ladies for your replies.. I don't think he will change his mind. He was unsure before ttc but then decided he did want another when he saw DD playing with her friends. But now has changed his mind after almost 7 months of ttc! It's not even like it took over our lives - I quietly charted temps etc and didn't put pressure on during ovulation and I didn't let gim see my tears when af showed.. He won't discuss it anyway.. he just says he wont talk about it because he's made his decision and it's final.

mom2sam.... if he's honest I think hyperemesis is a major factor in him not wanting another.. it is for me too.. I'd pretty much lose out on 6-9months of DD's life if I was anything like last time.. I don't want that but I know it would be for her benefit in the long term when she gets her brother or sister. Or not now! Anyway.. I hope you don't get it again next time - it's the worst thing I've ever experienced!

Thanks hun i'v decided this time to start meds soon as i get my bfp rather than leave it until i'm dehydrated & it gets out of control. it's such a tough decision & thats y taken this long but guess easier nw that DS is 7 & understands as wen i gt pregnant last year he was so good he used to bring my bucket wen i ws sick or rub my back & kp reassuring me i couldn't beleive hw mature he ws being about it all. So i knew it would be worth it sadly mc at 8 wks & nw he kps saying mum dont worry wen baby is back in ur tummy & if ur sick again me & daddy will take care of you.

Maybe see hw u feel wen dd is a little older & u never knw DH might see later that she does need a sibling & change his mind. We realised wen ours started school & kept questioning why he is the only one who doesn't have brothers & sisters x

Bless your DS! How sweet! At least you know you have support in place hun. Really hope none of you get it next time around.. baby dust to you all xxxx

 

[jessthemess]

My mom used to say it was important that my brother and I had each other because some day our parents would pass on but we would never be alone because we would still have one another.

Tell your husband about that, you know, giving your kids siblings is giving them a future where they don't have to be alone ever and they will have family their age.

My brother is my best friend.

 

[fizzypop]

My mom used to say it was important that my brother and I had each other because some day our parents would pass on but we would never be alone because we would still have one another.

Tell your husband about that, you know, giving your kids siblings is giving them a future where shouldve to be alone ever and they will have family their age.

My brother is my best friend.

That's so lovely. I used to be very close to my brother until he met his now wife.. long story - she hated me because I'm best friends with his ex so she drove a huge wedge between us. But even so, i still treasure all the times we had as children.. all the games we used to play.. the make believe things. And holidays. His first day at school. The first time we went out partying together. His visits when I was at uni kept me going.. he was the person who I turned to during the darkest times of my life. He saved my life. To know that DD will never even have the chance of that relationship breaks my heart. I realise now I want another baby mainly for her.. the thought of her having noone to play with on holiday for example makes me so sad.. all because her father doesn't want to share her.

 

[preg_pilot]

I hope he changes his mind.
Mine did, after several months.

 

[Soanxious]

Hi sorry to hear that your husband has said, can you not write down pro's and cons to having another child? so you can both add to it?

I had 2 girls within 3 yrs of each other and suffered Hyperemesis Gravidarum with both really badly, when my 2nd daughter was due I bought my eldest a newborn baby and bath n pushcair etc and when my daughter was born she used to copy me with her doll when I was seeing to my doll, she was like a mini mummy... they were so close growing up and they still are now.. I had my son 7 years after my 2nd daughter and got Hyperemesis Gravidarum again.. they girls were so good and realised it was because I was pregnant and used to help me feel better, kids are resiliant and will always adapt.. she wouldnt be losing attention, she would be gaining her best friend, her life long side kick and someone to share her life with with someone around her age... its lovely company... maybe things to had to pro's. maybe speak to people that grew up as an only child that now have more than one child themselves and they will say its lonely being alone.. I was brought up alone hence I wanted more children.. good luck and hope it all works out for you.. ps maybe he is picking up on your disappointment at not getting pregnant and he is just making an excuse as to not get you upset if you cant get pregnant?

 

[Ariannda]

We will likely have one child, although I have others from previous marriage with the youngest being about 7. I want two more and my DH is happy with one especially after all we've been through. Personally I think we've figured out and solved the problem and we should have two more but we'll see if I turn up with one or two anyway. Especially for men the future can be daunting it's viewed different from men to women. Women are their children and what they would miss out on, or wouldn't and men tend to see things in a financial perspective which is also Ok. My DH and I agreed to move from exactly where I wanted to be because he w afraid we wouldn't be able to afford a baby. Once he came and spoke to me I agreed. He didn't want to make me give up or change but someone has to. We moved, less land and house and in the city and closer to everything. I think some day we'll split the difference but for now what's important is what we can do for us and potential children and including our children. I want two babies, he wants one. We shall see

 

[preg_pilot]

Oh, and as per your original request, here´s a big hug for ya!

 

[nicb26]

You don't need to feel sorry for feeling this way - totally understand, I want lots of children too, and would/will be very upset if I can't have more. I think if you feel so strongly, you need to keep on at your husband. Ok, he feels strongly not to have any more, but you feel strongly too, so it's something that needs to be resolved. May e discuss what you have said here about the sibling bond that you feel your daughter will miss out on. How old is your daughter? As I'm sure at some point she will start asking for a sibling! That might help too! Good luck, I really hope he changes his mind xx