Different Beliefs within the Workplace

[WackyMumof2]

I work in a kitchen at one of our local bars and I LOVE the atmosphere most of the time except for one staff member in particular. I get along with everyone but he just really fires me up. He's Indian. Now, I'm not being racist by any means at all. I know a lot of Indian people and the majority of them are absolutely lovely. But he just has a real issue with me and another female member of the kitchen. He's quite arrogant and demanding with both of us but not with the men. He's actually got no respect at all for either of us and treat us both like we are below him and won't help us or answer us if he can avoid it. He made a passing remark about a pot not being 'properly cleaned' (it's an industrial pot so it's well used and stained) and I told him if he wasn't happy he could scrub it himself. All I can assume from what I know about his up-bringing is that men and woman have very traditional rolls in his family. Not long after he started I asked about him homeland and family life because different cultures interest me. So men are the income earners and the head of the family where woman are the center of the family, home makers, child minders and pretty much do as and when they are told by the males of the home. Now, I can't blame him for what he was taught - that is very typical of an Indian home. But I have said to him that he is in NZ now and men and woman are equal. So if he wants something he needs to ask rather than demand and yell because he's only going to get told to 'fuck off' and to stop 'acting like a child' by me. Where I came from I was taught that respect, manners and equality get you a long way in life. I can imagine it must be hard for him due to him growing up in India for 18 years but he needs to get real. We are a vastly different culture and he really does need to educate himself. He can be quite sexist as well. I was actually very lucky that our barman is a peace maker and he looks out for me in regards to my working relationship with H. When I get angry I get angry and if I don't think I have a leg to stand on I won't say anything so when I do he tends to jump in between. He noticed that I was not happy with my Indian workmate today and asked what was wrong and I told him same shit as every other shift. He expects me to be there at his will and do as I am told when I am told. The other men in the kitchen don't have such demands and we all work as a team - not individuals. Whether the barman said anything to him or not about my feelings in depth I don't know but I do know he told my workmate that he needs to be considerate of both myself and my other female workmate. I'm at the point where I have decided I want out of my workplace. I love the people I work with and the environment but this person in particular just makes it really, really hard to be happy in my employment. I have thought about approaching him about this but that could backfire and been see as a direct attack on his culture and I don't want to do that as it puts my employment at risk. Any ideas? He can be a lot of fun to talk to but it's just his image of what woman should be that frustrates me. As I said, he doesn't make it difficult for the men in the building, just the woman.

 

[Teri7489]

Wow, sounds like a piece of work. I don't see why you should have to change your job because of one person. From what you have said approaching him will do no good, if he doesn't respect you from seeing how others act he wouldnt respect you by simply speaking to him. He's more likely to see it as you asking him to do something for him. It's up to your employer to do something, not you. Personally I'd just get on with my job. If he speaks to you in a rude manner then ignore him or ask him to repeat it in a polite way. If he yells do the same until he repeats it in a polite way. Treat him the way you want to be treated, don't stoop to his level and don't get aggressive with him. It only reflects poorly on you. Forget his low opinion of women, like you say he isn't living in that culture. He is living in a place where women and men are equal. Just keep it that way and if he doesn't like it he will soon find the door xxx

 

[WackyMumof2]

Wow, sounds like a piece of work. I don't see why you should have to change your job because of one person. From what you have said approaching him will do no good, if he doesn't respect you from seeing how others act he wouldnt respect you by simply speaking to him. He's more likely to see it as you asking him to do something for him. It's up to your employer to do something, not you. Personally I'd just get on with my job. If he speaks to you in a rude manner then ignore him or ask him to repeat it in a polite way. If he yells do the same until he repeats it in a polite way. Treat him the way you want to be treated, don't stoop to his level and don't get aggressive with him. It only reflects poorly on you. Forget his low opinion of women, like you say he isn't living in that culture. He is living in a place where women and men are equal. Just keep it that way and if he doesn't like it he will soon find the door xxx

This is what I don't get. He's great if the men are around - he's a real laugh but I can't help but wonder if that's just a cover. Just the other day when the Head Chef left for lunch and left my female colleague in charge of the running of the kitchen (she's next in command) he just came at her with attitude and started yelling, storming off and slamming doors. Even the barman told him - again to do as he's asked by senior staff and to respect everyone. I have a funny feeling he will either get fired or leave on his own free will because he has no control. I've given up getting angry with him. I mean, why should my job be difficult and why should I have to come home and take it out on my family?? Staff meeting coming up so I have a feeling something will be said. But I've warned him myself if his attitude doesn't change then no one will want to employ him especially because he's telling customers to 'f**k off' around 9pm at night when those last minute desert orders come in. He tells the bar staff to do it or tell customers to 'f**k off' so he can go home. Can't be respectful of staff and customers and doesn't want to believe that our customers pay our wages then he's not in the right attitude to be a chef starting or great. Seen it before with the no employment because of a negative reputation and I can see it happening again. But as you say, not my problem and I'm not going to let him make it mine.

 

[Teri7489]

Exactly, he's just acting like a child but wants to be in charge. Just let him fall on his face. You have your job and he shouldn't get to change that or push you so far you get angry and shout. That makes you look bad and could cause you problems. I'd just let him make an arse of himself till he's out on his ear then you will be laughing

 

[MindUtopia]

He does sound like a jerk and sexist, but I would be careful assuming that's because he's Indian, because that sounds kind of racist on your part (which is possibly what he's picking up on). I used to live in India and while in some families men are more dominant, especially depending on social class (much like in NZ or anywhere else), it definitely isn't a culture where women are sitting around in the home being housewives. Women work, many being the breadwinners in the family, and there are lots of women in very powerful positions in India. That's not to say there aren't traditional families too, but there are anywhere and it could be he comes from one. Or it could be he's just a big jerk. Either way, I would be him in his place, or especially if he's more senior to you, I would speak to a manager about any issues.

 

[WackyMumof2]

He does sound like a jerk and sexist, but I would be careful assuming that's because he's Indian, because that sounds kind of racist on your part (which is possibly what he's picking up on). I used to live in India and while in some families men are more dominant, especially depending on social class (much like in NZ or anywhere else), it definitely isn't a culture where women are sitting around in the home being housewives. Women work, many being the breadwinners in the family, and there are lots of women in very powerful positions in India. That's not to say there aren't traditional families too, but there are anywhere and it could be he comes from one. Or it could be he's just a big jerk. Either way, I would be him in his place, or especially if he's more senior to you, I would speak to a manager about any issues.

Yeah I was trying to not sound racist. And not basing it on his culture at all so I don't think he's picking up on any racisim. I worked with another Indian a couple of years ago and he was just a lovable prat with a warped sense of humour and a big heart. I just sort of got the idea of how he and his family are. He told me they were a family of very traditional roles and men had the say in what happens. I can't blame him for the home and beliefs he grew up with. And it sounds like he's treating his girlfriend the same way. He bragged he did nothing and she did it all. He's actually this last week has been okay with me so I assume the Head Chef said something. But he's not more senior by any means. We have our Head, Sous, Cooks and Kitchen Hands but we all share very fair and equal roles so we all share the work and get it done. We have official job titles but never stick with them because it's easier to work as a group than individuals. I love his personality it's just his work attitude that gets to me but we have learnt to communicate better and he's learning to ask, not order. I think because we are both strong willed and tell it like it is may be the reason we are butting heads.