disappointed with myself

[1eighty]

found out today we are definitely and i can't help but be sad. there is a strong chance that this is our last pregnancy, as DH has had a difficult time dealing with me and my mental illness whilst TTC with just one small child in the house.

i'm glad he's healthy, everything looks good and all... but i can't connect with him at all (yet? i hope yet). i know that it will come and that i'll love him as much as our cute lil mischief bundle... but i'll be grieving for the girl we've not had, and probably for the rest of my life.

boys are very much the predominant sex in DH's family. he is one of 4 boys, and our son is one of four boy cousins - there is only one female cousin. the only way we'll get a girl is through IVF - we tried shettles with DS, DTD 4 days prior to Ov... this time we didn't even bother, i just knew what the result would be and i knew i'd just hate myself more if we had again actively tried for a girl and instead been gifted a boy.


the shitty thing is, my BIL and his wife would literally kill for this beautiful little boy. they can't have kids of their own. that is what tears at me whenever i feel this selfish twinge of sadness over the fact we are having a second son.


i looked at my son in the shopping trolley at the supermarket today and just burst into tears at the thought of never having a little girl of my own.

 

[Noodlebear]

I think you're right - when your LO is here you'll fall in love, it might not be instantaneous but don't put too much pressure on yourself over this. Give yourself time to get your head round it. Try not to think about your BIL's situation too much. It's great that you are considerate of their feelings but it doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to yours.

 

[1eighty]

i'm no longer feeling sad, but that might have more to do with DH now saying "maybe" to a 3rd if circumstances allow. i think that's what helped me get over these feelings when we found out taylor was a boy - i just said "oh well, we can have another".

i'm even starting to plan things with the new little boy, and though i wouldn't say i'm ecstatic about things just yet, i'm more enthusiastic. i think connection will come with regular movements, so i'm not worrying about that just now.

i'm so glad this part of the forum exists. i really needed to get everything out in a safe environment, free from judgement. it's always been a big part of how i heal when something happens, getting it all out in writing.

thanks noodlebear, it helps to know that other people can empathise and it's a relief to essentially be told i'm allowed to feel how i do.

 

[Noodlebear]

It's great that things are on the up already good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

 

[Misscalais]

I know how you feel, I just found out I'm having my 3rd boy.
Not sad that I'm having another boy just gutted ill never have a daughter, this is our absolute last and I though for sure we'd have a girl this time.
Never had GD with DS1 because I was happy to have either as I've always wanted sons and daughters. Felt GD with DS2 but got over it really quick but this time when we found out I cried all day. The realisation that ill never have a daughter is tough. I love my new son growing inside me and glad he's healthy, feel awful that I've been so upset about it and when I do get really upset I tell my bump that mummy loves him very much.

 

[1eighty]

Never had GD with DS1 because I was happy to have either as I've always wanted sons and daughters. Felt GD with DS2 but got over it really quick but this time when we found out I cried all day. The realisation that ill never have a daughter is tough. I love my new son growing inside me and glad he's healthy, feel awful that I've been so upset about it and when I do get really upset I tell my bump that mummy loves him very much.

i hear ya. that's pretty much how i was with my eldest - i wanted one of each, knew we were gonna have another so the initial feeling of "aww, it's not a girl" disappeared within seconds. this time, with the potential of the baby being our last, it hit harder.

makes me better understand mothers who are fussy over who their boys date, because if i can't imagine her as my daughter, she ain't gonna be good enough!

 

[americanhoney]

Sounds like we are all in the same boat! It's looking like my #2 is going to be a boy as well. Don't be disappointed in yourself although I know those are totally normal feelings. I think your going to be just fine and love that baby just like you did your first when he arrives. I went for a 12w scan last week and the tech said it looks like a boy. I went home and cried for two days. My OH was really concerned but I'm alright now just glad my baby was alive and well and growing!!

I totally understand the sadness of never having a girl and I'm like you when it comes to my son dating. If she isn't good for him she can hit the road Jack! lol Not backing down when he starts dating. He's got to choose a GREAT one...a Girl that could also become a daughter to me and won't be trying to keep me away from the grandkids. That's another fear I have...without daughters you can only get so close to your son's kids (grandkids) because of the daughter in law.

I'm convinced that it is MUCH easier to conceive a boy than a girl. I can't wrap my head around those people who consistently have girls. The only thing I can think of is their OH must have a low sperm count and the girl sperm are the only ones that can thrive. Who knows!?
I looked at PGD/IVF which I don't think I would go that route. It's SO expensive.

I'm just coming to the realization through all of this that I need to be thankful for what I have not what I don't have. God has a plan and purpose for everything. It has been so therapeutic to share with you and other ladies on here about how I feel without the judgement.

Also, I like you have a few friends who cannot conceive no matter what they try. I too have felt the guilt and it's not an easy thing to deal with. I was talking to a very close friend of mine last week about me possibly having another boy. She herself is currently pregnant with a girl via embryo donation. She and her OH could not conceive at all via IVF with their own biological child. The doctor told her the only option was donor eggs or embryo donation. She told me she felt cheated that she could never have a biological child. While she is getting her girl she'll never have a child with her and her OH features. That has really put things in perspective for me. We are all very blessed and what we are feeling is completely normal and we will overcome it!!

 

[1eighty]

if money were no object, then we'd either keep going til we got a girl, or if time were an issue (ie, my age) then private IVF with only girls planted in there.

but we'd need to win the lottery first


as it is, i'm getting towards being ok with it. we've even got a name and will see how it fits at the next scan (30th). i keep buying the odd random babygro or vest so that this teeny person has some new things and not just hand-me-downs.


hugs everyone xxx