Does Anyone Undermine Your Fertility Issues?

[Robynxo]

If you have fertility issues, do you have a family member or friend who totally ignores it and/or offers you really stupid advice?

I haven't used contraception in 4 years. I've been TTC for over a year now, with no luck. Now I'm having to deal with a shortening luteal phase (seriously, 8 days this time). So I go to my mother or husband to talk about it.

My mother, because I'm stressed or upset over something, just brushes off my infertility as a "stress or depression problem." Like, really? Because whenever I come to her with a problem, I'm not smiling and happy, that must mean I'm depressed and stressed out? Even if I was stressed at that moment, that doesn't mean that I'm like that 24/7, like she believes I am.

I just came to her with my luteal phase problem, and of course, I had to explain what a luteal phase is. She still didn't get it, and said it's probably because I'm stressed. This is literally her answer for everything, and I swear, I'm not even stressed. But she doesn't even recognize that I have an actual medical problem. The one time she saw me "depressed" recently was when my sister announced her pregnancy to my father. All that happened was that I was lying in bed early. I was just a bit sad. Of course it made me sad! I've been wanting a baby for so long and people in my family are super fertile.

My father, whom I don't really talk to much about this, brushed it off as probably my husband's fault.

My husband is much better, but all he does is say "It will happen." Which is annoying to me, because it probably won't happen if I sit around and do nothing. I did that for 4-ish years and nothing! I don't know if they all say that because I'm young, but I do think the responses might be different if I were 35 or 40.

I don't know anyone who struggles with similar issues, so my husband and my mother are the only ones I can talk to. I'm about done talking to my mom about it though... I have definitely confronted her about how she treats me, but she doesn't think it's wrong of her.

Am I the one who is wrong for feeling like this? I know they want to help, but no one will say, "Hey, Robyn, I understand you have a fertility problem. I am here for you, and I hope you get your baby one day." Absolutely no one will say anything like that. It's always not a big deal for them, but it's the biggest thing in my life right now. My husband wants a baby of course, but he just does not understand.

Sorry, end of rant.

Does anyone else have people who do this to them?

 

[Babybum35]

If you have fertility issues, do you have a family member or friend who totally ignores it and/or offers you really stupid advice?

I haven't used contraception in 4 years. I've been TTC for over a year now, with no luck. Now I'm having to deal with a shortening luteal phase (seriously, 8 days this time). So I go to my mother or husband to talk about it.

My mother, because I'm stressed or upset over something, just brushes off my infertility as a "stress or depression problem." Like, really? Because whenever I come to her with a problem, I'm not smiling and happy, that must mean I'm depressed and stressed out? Even if I was stressed at that moment, that doesn't mean that I'm like that 24/7, like she believes I am.

I just came to her with my luteal phase problem, and of course, I had to explain what a luteal phase is. She still didn't get it, and said it's probably because I'm stressed. This is literally her answer for everything, and I swear, I'm not even stressed. But she doesn't even recognize that I have an actual medical problem. The one time she saw me "depressed" recently was when my sister announced her pregnancy to my father. All that happened was that I was lying in bed early. I was just a bit sad. Of course it made me sad! I've been wanting a baby for so long and people in my family are super fertile.

My father, whom I don't really talk to much about this, brushed it off as probably my husband's fault.

My husband is much better, but all he does is say "It will happen." Which is annoying to me, because it probably won't happen if I sit around and do nothing. I did that for 4-ish years and nothing! I don't know if they all say that because I'm young, but I do think the responses might be different if I were 35 or 40.

I don't know anyone who struggles with similar issues, so my husband and my mother are the only ones I can talk to. I'm about done talking to my mom about it though... I have definitely confronted her about how she treats me, but she doesn't think it's wrong of her.

Am I the one who is wrong for feeling like this? I know they want to help, but no one will say, "Hey, Robyn, I understand you have a fertility problem. I am here for you, and I hope you get your baby one day." Absolutely no one will say anything like that. It's always not a big deal for them, but it's the biggest thing in my life right now. My husband wants a baby of course, but he just does not understand.

Sorry, end of rant.

Does anyone else have people who do this to them?

There are some ways I relate and others that I can only offer compassion. My mom also dismisses me and treats me like I'm an inconvenience. She will only see me and her granddaughter if we go to them and any time she does come to me it's for literally 5 minutes or less. It's really hard to deal with a less than ideal relationship with your mom especially since so many women identify their moms as friends and I not only don't I cant. She has spent a lot of time bad mouthing my husband..anyway I could go on but I wont. As for the rest my sister has fertility issues. Not sure what but she's been ttc for 4 years and I got pregnant once in that time and am working on getting pregnant again. I think as hard as it is definitely don't let yourself feel guilty or shame for not talking to your mom. Maybe find a counselor or pastor or life coach or someone who is neutral and even if they haven't had fertility issues they can help you talk about it and find peace with your journey.

 

[red_head]

You absolutely aren’t alone. My mum has said to me that ‘having kids isn’t that great’ and that she regrets having them to try and make me feel better! She and my sister also laughed in my face and were really nasty when I said I was infertile saying I was stupid and that wasn’t true because I’d had miscarriages so obviously could get pregnant - they just didn’t understand the actual definition of it. My dad also said that the reason for my miscarriages was my anxiety and that I’m going to lose this baby if I don’t stop being anxious! Err thanks that’s really helpful and will make me worry less!!
I also understand the difficulties with husband - mine was very supportive but absolutely would not consider the thought we wouldn’t ever have children. Hopefully he was right and this baby is sticky, but it was so frustrating! Especially because I wanted to consider adoption and he wouldn’t think about it because he didn’t want to admit it may not happen naturally.
All that said, I am pregnant now, we’ve also been trying for over 4 years - and we decided to take a year out and then got pregnant the first month we stopped trying!
It is incredibly hard, and no one understands unless they’ve been through it. And even people going through the same issues don’t actually understand your journey and your feelings as everyone has different ones, and different responses to it. It does become all consuming and impacts literally every decision of every day. That’s why I’m on here so much - it’s the only place I can really vent and discuss all my many many fears and worries without being judged or belittled.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through all this, and I hope it does happen for you soon.

 

[Robynxo]

Thank you ladies. What I love about this place is that even though not many have the same issues, most of everyone at least understands the frustration and desire, or at least tries to.

Babybum, I am so sorry you don’t have a great relationship with your mom. I would say that l do, but we have very different personalities that clash at times, so I feel you on that. I definitely need to find someone with an outside perspective to talk to.

Redhead, that’s a tough situation too. I bet that comment about kids not being so great made you feel good :/ I feel dumb now even mentioning my issues, because you seem like you’re in a bit more of a bind with your family. My mother doesn’t do anything maliciously, but my sister does behind my back and so does my dad. Sometimes together in on it.

That’s crazy that you’re pregnant the first month relaxing. Congrats and I hope this one sticks. If I stop completely, it definitely won’t happen because I have ovulation issues, but if I continue taking my herbs, it should regulate everything. I am probably going to take a break, but continue the herbs and vitamins, that way I have at least a chance.

 

[happycupcake]

Robyn, firstly, I have to say that's such a pretty name. I really love that name.

I can relate. We don't have precisely the same problems but you probably know from my many posts that my husband and I have been struggling too. Not for as long as you, I can't imagine going through four years of this, I think you're amazing for keeping on trying. Hats off to you, because it's been 18 months for us and I'm finding this a struggle.

My mum and I haven't had a wonderful relationship since my early teens, or preteens if I'm honest. When I became pregnant at 14 (long story, not a positive one) she said she wouldn't help and that no one would help and I hadn't any other choice but to terminate the pregnancy. It destroys my soul thinking about it even today, twenty years on. She didn't seem to understand that to me, this was my little baby being destroyed, and for what?
When I became pregnant later on at 17 (different story, I was in a stable relationship with a decent man) she was disappointed and her reaction was "oh god". My dad was overjoyed, if a little shocked to receive a text from me at 6am telling him ... I thought he'd go mad so I bottled out of telling him face to face lol
When I miscarried at 8 weeks when I was 24, my mum was just like nothing. It was like I was telling her it was Wednesday. Given she herself had had three miscarriages I assumed, naturally, that she'd understand the pain of going through that but she said her miscarriages didn't bother her. Wow.
Oddly, she was really pleased when my husband and I discovered we were expecting DS2, but DD who was a surprise, she was disappointed again.
When I try to talk to her about things (she doesn't know we are trying for precisely this reason) she ignores me or changes the subject. It's like I don't matter to her anymore. I have tried to talk to her about it, a year ago this month actually, and it resulted in her not speaking to me for six months.

My dad doesn't know we are trying but he knows I have had problems and whilst he is kind, he doesn't really understand how things work. For instance, when I said I was put on progesterone and it had been helping my mood and anxiety, he said it's probably just psychological ... it doesn't bother me he thinks that, he's just not up on these things.

My sister is a nightmare and I don't talk to her much. She also has this habit of making everything about her. So if I try to talk to her about anything it's changed into a topic about her. She's one of the most unsupportive and rude people I know! The day I found out DS1's dad had passed away I was a hysterical mess. We had been together eleven years, since I was 16, and we had only split up a matter of weeks beforehand. She came to my house and just sat there blank and didn't say anything to me. I had literally just had that call minutes before and all she could do was sit there in silence. She didn't try to comfort me in any way. My mum stayed with us for a few days but went home, and when I was having panic attacks and calling her for help she was just like "I don't know what to do".

My husband is my rock. He is everything to me. He doesn't fully understand all this, how can any partner? But he does his best. It is annoying when he says things like your OH, "it will happen" ... not helpful when you're convinced it won't happen. But I guess they don't know what to say.

This is why I don't talk to anyone else about this and why no one knows apart from us, my eldest and you guys here. I'm not social so don't really see any friends.
I don't give my family a chance to know of our struggles because they wouldn't be supportive and I don't want to hear their negativity

 

[Anij34]

I'm sorry...I haven't had this specific problem but every miscarriage I've had my mom would undermine. I think she did it because she was scared to attach. Several times I'd be in miscarriage and had to get blood work to follow the numbers and my mom would say something like, "Its nothing, you're not pregnant, its just a heavy cycle".

My mom never did it to be mean. She was grieving for me in her own way. Our parents hurt for us and they don't always show it in the most helpful ways. Be patient and maybe take some time to explain how much it hurts when they brush off our pain.

I am praying for a sticky baby for you.

 

[Robynxo]

Thank you ladies.

Happy, I've been seeing your posts often for a bit now, you are an avid poster here so it is difficult NOT to know who you are lol. I wouldn't say I've struggled for four years because I was hoping during that time, I would have a happy accident while I lived my life, but there was constantly a little note in the back of my mind saying, "You're not pregnant yet. Why?" That didn't become full fledged TTC until about a year ago. But thank you.

I've seen some of the posts about your miscarriages and yours is a name I think about often, just because when I wish for my baby, I also think of the people on here who have been struggling too. I never knew this about your family though, and I'm so sorry they can't be of much help during your struggles. I always thought that family would be so caring for those times, but it seems there are quite a few others who have similar issues. I'm also sorry for the loss of the father of your DS. I often become an emotionless rock like your sister did in times of extreme sadness or death, so I can understand to an extent, but I wish she would have tried to console you.

I completely understand the husband thing. I guess many of us feel much better having such supportive husbands, even if sisters or mothers don't quite understand or try to. I worry about the future because if it takes this long to get pregnant, I can't imagine what problems I might have after I finally do. I think about that everyday, and I don't know how you ladies hold yourself up after miscarriages. You're so strong. I hope you never have to experience another.

Anij, I'm sorry to hear about your losses. I can understand the not wanting to attach, because that is how I grieve... I can also understand her saying it's just a heavy period. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but once you know, it doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't think my mother wants to be mean either. It's just stressful sometimes, and sometimes you've got to vent to somebody. Thank you for your prayers.

 

[happycupcake]

I do post a lot lol

Still, a year of properly trying trying is long. It wears you down at times and with a further three years of NTNP most would expect it to happen. I think with NTNP it's a risk of missing the right time if you're not BDing every few days all the time. It's luck of the draw - I was NTNP with eldest and it took a while, then with my mc seven years later we were NTNP but I became pregnant really fast.
When you plan it all it's an adventure when you first start out. It's exciting. And I think most assume (I did) that you will become pregnant quickly because you're doing everything right to ensure you don't miss a chance, but I think it's fair to say the majority of couples actively trying don't fall pregnant immediately or all that quickly, including those without any issues.
I've had someone message me a few times panicking because she didn't fall on her first try despite planning it all perfectly. It does tend to launch you into a panic when it doesn't happen.

I know you said you aren't stressed, but perhaps subconsciously you are. It's really hard not to be a little stressed out when things aren't happening and you can't figure out why, or if you are aware of a problem but you don't know how to fix it or the suggestions made aren't working. It becomes frustrating.

What are you currently doing to help your short lp? Has it always been this way since you started tracking things?

Some families just don't understand I guess. We are all different people, we deal with everything in our own ways. I can understand cutting off emotionally to some situations, it's a good coping mechanism until we are ready to really face the situation. My sister though, she's just emotionally stunted altogether, void of any emotion. She became like this when her ex cheated on her, had another child with someone else whilst my sister was pregnant with their child and then he left when the baby was three weeks old. I know that was awful. I watched her go through it, I was there for her. In fact, it was me who found out about this other girl, which was such a lovely position to find myself in! The thing is though, after that she just attacked everyone who cared and supported her. She aimed most of it at me, I think because at the time he left her, I had just met my husband and was happy so perhaps it felt like salt in the wound. But all these years later, a little more than seven years later, she still treats me like rubbish. She has it all - a decent man she's engaged to (who she cheated on! Even after knowing what that's like), he's welcomed her into his business and given her a stable job and they have their own home, they holiday to Australia and NZ, and he's also a landlord of a few properties so they have financial stability more than most and they're in their twenties. Not many can say that. He even wants to adopt her daughter. But yet she's still got that 'the world owes me a living' attitude.
I avoid my mum a LOT. I find her stressful. I welcome my dad's visits when he's down here. He was here Christmas which was lovely. Zero pressure despite me almost screwing up dinner again lol
I don't tell them because I know it will be met with negativity. I don't tell my dad because I think he would worry, whereas if I could tell him we were expecting again he would just be happy about it. Families are awkward. I'm quite envious of those with close relationships with their parents and siblings. I always wonder what that's like.
My husband's family are awful, far worse than mine. Half of them he hasn't spoken to since his late teens so he understands what it's like to not get on with family. It's rubbish that that has to be the way, but it's good that we understand each other.
Our husband's and partners are right there with us. Sometimes they don't quite understand but for the most part, it's good they try to.

What are you worried about when you say that if it takes this long to conceive you're worried about problems you may have after? Do you mean in pregnancy? You know, when you do get pregnant, you will most likely sail through it. Mentally perhaps not, because it's an anxious time especially when you have been trying a long time. But otherwise, there are lots of women who have taken a while to get pregnant but once it happens, although it's like panic stations at every corner, they and their baby are fine.
I'm sure once it happens for you, and it will, you will be ok. It's when those cute curly little newborns turn into toddlers the worry comes what with them trying to get into literally everything lol honestly my older brother was a nightmare toddler - always getting himself into situations you wouldn't dare even imagine. He set his bedroom on fire by accident, he almost fell out of a window in a high rise block of flats, he almost hung himself on his reins, he fell off the seafront promenade and bounced on his head ... how he turned into the sensible adult he is and not a stuntman is beyond me.

Anyway, I'm sorry I have rambled on for ages