Does this make me a bad mum?

[trickytrouble]

Hi,

I'm not much of a poster on here but do tend to read an awful lot but this is really bugging me and I need to get it off my chest.

I have an 18 week old daughter (who was very much wanted after a very very long journey to get pregnant). I had a very traumatic birth and initially thought I was suffering with PND but it worked out to be PTSD (legal action being taken against the hospital as we speak). Anyway to cut a long story short I havent really bonded all that much with the DD (still !!) and unfortunately I had to return to work a few weeks ago (as the OH earns very little money and we couldnt afford to live on maternity pay) therefore my mother cares for DD full time from Monday to Friday. However, the last few weeks have been freezing cold and DD has been staying at my mums from Sunday night and each night until Friday. The reason for this is that I work 50 miles out of London and my commute is horrendous each day (I drive) and my parents live 15 miles in the OTHER direction therefore I initially thought that I would get up at 6am, bundle DD in the car, get her to my mums and then go back to work, of course I wasn't getting into work until 10am so the most feasible thing to do is leave DD with my mum. In all fairness DD is a good baby, she sleeps through from 7.30pm to 7.30am, she has a feed at 7.30am on waking then sleeps again until 10am so she is no trouble overnight. I leave work at 4.30pm, go straight to mums, spend time with DD, put her to bed and then go back to my home.

I feel terribly guilty that I dont have her at home with us during the week but travel wise it isnt feasible. Sometimes I wish that I didnt have to go back to work but we truly cant afford for me not to be working.

Does this make me a bad mum. I had a few nasty comments from some of the other parents at the clinic, therefore I have now changed the clinic and my mum takes her to one local to her area.

I seriously feel like shit right now !! and am even more worried that my daughter will grow up not knowing who I am !!

TTx

 

[lalitas charm]

Hun, it sounds like you are doing what is best for you and your DD, that makes you a good mum. It isn't like you are choosing to be away from her. Nobody has the right to pass judgement on you as they aren't in your shoes.

I'm sure your DD will know that you are her mummy try not to worry about that. She is safe, loved and well cared for, that makes you a wonderful mum.

 

[trickytrouble]

Thank you lalita's charm

I absolutely adore DD (even if I havent bonded as well as I would have liked to) and I think I just needed reassurance that I was doing the right thing !!

xx

 

[kelly2903]

your not a bad mum..... your doing what needs doing but must be stressful as you say you havent yet bonded and so this arrangement is going to make that more difficult...... is there no wy you can put in for a move with your company or try find another job..... i no its not the best time to be looking for jobs that dont exsist...... but i think that is what i would do...... couldnt cope with lilly not being at home i worry wen she sleeps at her nanies once a week ll the best hun must be a hard time but your defo not a bad mum xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[TigerLady]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing, hon. Especially because you go spend the evenings with her and put her to bed. It sounds like you spend the same amount of time with her you would if you had he at home (if you just take out the hours that she is sleeping anyway).

You are not a bad mom! The fact that you worry about this so much proves that. If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't think twice about not having her at home all week.

 

[jaydensmummy]

You are far from being a bad mum! You have chosen to go back to work to provide for your LO as you knew
you couldnt afford to give her everything she needs if you didnt go back to work.
You see her everyday, and shes in the best possible place she could be if she isnt with your or your OH..
with your mum i know it must be hard feeling like you havent bonded (i was the same with my son) but
it does take time as its all new especially if its your 1st child. I think your doing a great job!
Keep up the good work x

 

[trickytrouble]

Thank you so much for such positive responses.

Kelly, youre right, it makes this set-up harder for the bonding process but I have my weekends to spend with her which gives us a little me time thank god !!

and yes, I have considered looking for another job but right now it suits me to stay here simply because of the more flexible hours (in terms of LO) i.e. i can come in a touch later and leave early if I need to but I will consider relocating at some point (have been here for 8 years so perhaps a change is on the cards at some stage).

God.. its so hard being a working mum.. i thought i would love coming back to work but I spend all day thinking of DD !!! gggrrr lol

xx

 

[TigerLady]

Which shows, again, that you are a good mom!

I know what you mean -- I was always sure I would WANT to be a working mom. Until I had my LO. Now I miss him all day!

My mom keeps reassuring me that it gets easier as they get older and "need" you less. Working when they are newborns and toddlers are the hardest years.

 

[kelly2903]

which does show your a brilliant mummy... all the best hun xxxx

 

[kelly2903]

i defo find it hard going into work and i only go 3 nights a week but now lilly is a all singing ll dancing talking toddler she crys and sys she wants to come too or she doesnt wwant me to go it breaks my heart walking out of the door even though i no its not for long xxx

 

[trickytrouble]

Which shows, again, that you are a good mom!

I know what you mean -- I was always sure I would WANT to be a working mom. Until I had my LO. Now I miss him all day!

My mom keeps reassuring me that it gets easier as they get older and "need" you less. Working when they are newborns and toddlers are the hardest years.

You hit the nail on the head there... the newborn and toddler years are the hardest.. its missing out on the first crawling, steps etc.. at least I got to see her first roll from tummy to back and her first rollie pollie front somersault type thing rofl !!

xx

 

[bana]

It makes me mad that u get branded 4 bein a bad mum for trying to provide for yr family the right way and u get some (not everyone) on benefits who cant b arsed to work and part of yr money goes towards them. yr not a bad mum, and im sure the situation wont b forever x

 

[Lu28]

Of course you're not a bad mum. It sounds like you're doing what needs to be done for your family. All of our family situations are totally different and no--one has the right to pass judgement. As someone said, it actually sounds like you're nearly spending the same amount of time with LO as you would if she was at home anyway, it's just the mornings that you're not there.

Try not to be too hard on yourself and if the opportunity comes up where you can change things so they're easier then great. And it takes some people a while to bond, that doesn't mean you love her any less

 

[Aidedhoney]

Your doing a brill job, dont beat yourself up xx

Is there an option to stay over say 1 night a wk that may help you bond x

 

[trickytrouble]

It makes me mad that u get branded 4 bein a bad mum for trying to provide for yr family the right way and u get some (not everyone) on benefits who cant b arsed to work and part of yr money goes towards them. yr not a bad mum, and im sure the situation wont b forever x

Its tough when I see in excess of £600 a month tax coming out my pay packet but c'est la vie !!

the comments made at the clinic were made by the mothers who are lucky enough to stay at home with their little ones but either ways their comments were unjust and uncalled for.

xx

 

[trickytrouble]

Your doing a brill job, dont beat yourself up xx

If you miss DD can you stay over say 1 night a wk that may help you bond x

I did exactly that on Sunday if I can get away with doing it once a week or so then its all good

xx

 

[ClaireRJM]

I kind of in same situation. My LO 18wks & I return to work 4th January full time due to money Nan n Grandma will be having her 3 days then other 2 in nursery. Going to be most night she'll be bathed fed n put down b4 i even see her plus I go out to work 7am ish so wont have much time then either

I feel like crap as I have a few friends who've had babies. One having 6 months off work, other 9 months & other 12 months which totally depresses me that we havent got that option & i feel bad on LO that i'm abandoning her in a way but maternity pay is shite!! Our savings have gone way quicker than planned.

At the end of the day u doing it 4 right reasons & it'll only make u cherish ur time together more.

Dont stress & enjoy ur first christmas ;p xxx

 

[TigerLady]

I had 12 weeks of UNPAID maternity leave and then had to go back full time the day my LO turned 13 weeks old. My mom watched him for a while, but he is in full time daycare now. Sucks. Completely. But it is what has to be done!

TBH, I think I am more bothered by him being in daycare than he is. The ladies there love him and he plays with the other kids.

But we do miss out on bonding time and it makes things like BFing on demand and BLWing harder.

But you learn to make it work! And me being at work makes it more possible to provide him with a stable home and all the things he could need or want.

 

[Kimboowee]

Your not a bad mummy - I also had to go back to work when Josh was very young but we do what we have to do to provide for our children and give them the things they deserve.

Them other mums at the clinic should be glad that they can afford to stay home and look after their children, not everyone is that lucky x

 

[letia659]

well it isnt any different than what I was doing with my 5yr old son before I had Lucas I was working evenings so I got him off to school in the morning and my DH took care of him in the evenings so I only saw him for a few minutes in the morning and on weekends because he was in the bed when I got home at night so even though he was still at home I didnt see him thankfully I am now able to stay at home for a little while but will soon return to work and probably have the same shift for a little while and I dare someone say Im a bad mom for it...your providing for your family and doing what is best for your DD that makes you a great mom IMO