Doing it alone

[I-want-1-2]

You need to make the break and get away from this loser. My sis found out she was pregnant (accident) and her bf of 3 years walked out on her 3 days later. He turned up at the scans and after the baby was born, but after the first 2 weeks lost interest and saw my nephew 4 or 5 times in the first year. He's not seen him since his 1st birthday (he'll be 4 next year) and has had another baby since (almost exactly a year younger than my nephew) that was kept a secret from my sis for 2 years. And this was a guy who was perfectly lovely before the pregnancy!!

My point is, you never know what is going to happen and just because he is the dad, doesn't mean you'll have to see him forever if you don't want to (my nephew sees his grandparents, but not his dad, and our mum deals with some of the "visits" as my sister wants to keep out of it). My sis is now extremely happy with a different guy (2 years and going strong) that my nephew calls "daddy" (doesn't know any different), who is AMAZING with him and treats my sister like the princess she is. They live together and are the most perfect little family. There is someone out there for everyone, just because you have someone else's baby, doesn't mean you belong on JK or won't find true happiness!!

Good luck, do what is right for you without listening to gossips and at least it means no more having to deal with the MIL from hell!!!!

 

[Thorpedo11]

I say you need to get away from this man. I was with a man just like this for 3 years. He was a complete ass. Though i didnt have any children with him, i realized that he was no good for me. I remember thinking to myself,"what would my family think?","how am i going to be single?", "will people judge me?", "everyone thinks we are so happy on the outside, but im miserable being with this F*&*face"

I lost 15 pounds when i was with him the last 2 month due to stress. I noticed i was extremely withdrawn from family and friends during this time too.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, trust me. I know that he is the sperm donor but he doesnt have a right to treat you like this. No man should ever treat a woman like this. Think of your baby and yourself. If you have a lil girl is he going to treat her the same way as you? or if you have a lil boy is he going to let his son know its ok to treat women like this?

Your family will be there, i know you say that you dont want to get your family involved but it is best to have someone there who understands and will back you up. I know you have all of us to vent to about it, I was glad i had my family on my side when i left my ex.

You will find a man who will treat you right 100% of the time. =]

 

[kat2504]

Let him be happy without you. Even if he is sleeping around and behaving like a general twat.

Think about YOU. You will be happier without him. You will have less stress and upset without him. You will not have to put up with his shit abusive behaviour. And, best of all, you will be the one with the lovely new baby! he won't have that. At first he will only be able to see the baby for a few hours here and there. While it is still a little baby and needs you for breastfeeding, he won't even be able to have it overnights.

You, and your gorgeous new baby, will make an excellent catch for a decent man who WILL come your way.

 

[kirbyland1986]

aaaah i am sorry you are going through what you are... my oh and i always bickering and he keeps threatening of splitting up but he never does but i know he won't leave me...

but reading this you deserve better and he should see his child (it might make him realise what he has done and maybe change)

i hope it works out for you hun xx

 

[LaRockera]

From what I can gather, he seems to be very well aware he's got a very tight emotional grasp around you, and is using it to manipulate you. In other words, he's trying to be hurtful on purpose. Chances are, if you split again, he'll come begging.

I tell you what, hon. Why don't put it to the test? Why don't you just get up, like NOW, go to your family (they're your FAMILY. Better be with them than with people that don't have the decency to respect the very basics of hospitality), and let them make of it what they can. He knows you won't leave. He knows he's got the upper hand here. He counts on your emotional dependence- and the baby.

Go back home, grit your teeth and cut out all contact. See what he does then. Don't go running back with the first tearful apology- if he wants you back, he needs to change.

And if he doesn't, there are plenty of fish in the sea. People split all the time. There are many single mums and dads out there that manage to find happiness again- and their kids are very happy with the step-mums and step-dads. Yes, he may see other women, but you will get over it eventually, and you will be with someone else too. I promise you will. It always seems impossible when you're in love. Your heart tells you 'he's the one'. Well, I can tell you, 'the one' can only be someone that will love you and cherish you back.

Prove to yourself that you've got the balls to walk out him. You need to gain your self-esteem and courage back before you try to deal with your feelings properly. The baby is your baby, what a wonderful gift! It will only make you stronger, more independent, proud of who you are.

Stand up and leave the house NOW. Not tomorrow morning, NOW. Get a cab, and go back home. Let him wake up without you, sober, and see what his behaviour brings.

 

[YoshiPikachu]

From what I can gather, he seems to be very well aware he's got a very tight emotional grasp around you, and is using it to manipulate you. In other words, he's trying to be hurtful on purpose. Chances are, if you split again, he'll come begging.

I tell you what, hon. Why don't put it to the test? Why don't you just get up, like NOW, go to your family (they're your FAMILY. Better be with them than with people that don't have the decency to respect the very basics of hospitality), and let them make of it what they can. He knows you won't leave. He knows he's got the upper hand here. He counts on your emotional dependence- and the baby.

Go back home, grit your teeth and cut out all contact. See what he does then. Don't go running back with the first tearful apology- if he wants you back, he needs to change.

And if he doesn't, there are plenty of fish in the see. People split all the time. There are many single mums and dads out there that manage to find happiness again- and their kids are very happy with the step-mums and step-dads. Yes, he may see other women, but you will get over it eventually, and you will be with someone else too. I promise you will. It always seems impossible when you're in love. Your heart tells you 'he's the one'. Well, I can tell you, 'the one' can only be someone that will love you and cherish you back.

Prove to yourself that you've got the balls to walk out him. You need to gain your self-esteem and courage back before you try to deal with your feelings properly. The baby is your baby, what a wonderful gift! It will only make you stronger, more independent, proud of who you are.

Stand up and leave the house NOW. Not tomorrow morning, NOW. Get a cab, and go back home. Let him wake up without you, sober, and see what his behaviour brings.

Great words!

 

[sandilion]

He isn't, well when he is drinking, he is horrible.

He was so nice earlier, kissing my bump and telling me how much he loves me. I feel so messed up, and embarrassed at having to tell people once again I am single, with a baby this time.

Oh hun i think you should leave that house asap!!

Don't worry about what others will think!! If anything people will commend you for leaving a man who is emotionally abusing you and who obviously has a alcohol problem. You do not need this shit from him or his mother, leave now!!

Don't stay with a man who treats you like this all because you fear being alone.. you are so much stronger than that, and as we all know hard times pass! When one door closes another opens. Don't put up with this shit, it's not fair on you AND your baby.

 

[painted_pony]

DO NOT STAY WITH A BOOZER. My real father started out a heavy drinker and turned into a drug addict. He beat my moms face in so badly with a shotgun butt that he broke all the bones in her eye sockets while her older kids were in the other room. Then when she grabbed the door frame to pull herself away, he slammed the door on her fingers and broke all of them. He continued to beat her until they divorced. He was a cheated, liar and scumbag. He continued to beat me and make me sleep in a barn during the winter months while I was on visitation to his home. Do you want your baby to experience that? YOUR WAY BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. there's plenty of standup guys who will be willing to raise a baby like it is there own. I would hate to have you go through what my family did because of this asshole.

 

[Wantingbbbump]

Just heard him screaming to his mum he doesn't want to be with me anymore then he came up, he said he doesn't even fancy me anymore.

He wasn't like this earlier, he was all over me.

Now he has fallen asleep pissed. I hate him. I just want to stop caring. I want to feel numb, but in a good way, just over him. I am so much better than him and I am attractive, it is just a pity I am now stuck to him this way, carrying his child. My future is looking pretty lonely and bleak, who will want me now when I have someone else's baby?

I am so sorry that you are going through this Let me tell you, tons of REAL men are out there that will love you and this baby with all of their hearts!! My OH and I have been together for 9 years! I had 3 very small girls when we got together and while I was with my OH I was raped and got pregnant with our son. I say our because my OH loves him so very much!! I am now pregnant again with baby #5 and this baby isn't his BIO child either. My OH has no sperm and so we had to use a donor to have her and he is in love with her and she isn't even here yet. My EX husband beat the hell out of my and my 2 older girls!! Never stay with a man that drinks!!! It is better for you and your baby to be without this boy!!! I wish you the very best and I hope that you know that you will be happier without him but you just can't see that yet because your still involved with him. I thought it would kill me to see my ex with other girls but you know what it doesn't hurt at all. Oh try to stay calm because the stress isn't good for you or baby right now!!!

 

[kat2504]

I also watch enough Jeremy Kyle to know that Jezza has the utmost respect for the women who walk away from badly behaved men, and the utmost contempt for men who drink heavily instead of growing up and dealing with their responsibilities. Even Jezza would be on your side!

Anyway, it's him, not you, that belongs on that show. He needs someone to tell him to grow the fuck up, stop drinking, act like a real man, and stop treating women as his domestic slaves.

You won't be alone, your family sound like they will be quite supportive and hopefully will give you plenty of support with the baby. As a single parent, you will get tax credits and help with childcare when you need to return to work.

I also know of plenty of women who ended up having a baby and then becoming a single mother, and it didn't put men off getting involved with them. It won't be your first priority as you will be busy with a baby. But soon enough you'll meet someone else. Lots of men see being a good mum as a very attractive quality in a woman.

 

[Jennifurball]

Hi everyone,

Sorry I didn't take the advice of leaving last night, the lovely replies had me in tears and I really couldn't have faced my family like that, they were only just coming to terms that I was back with him anyway, nevermind carrying his child. So I slept in the spare room, I am just getting my things together now and he keeps asking me to stay etc.

I sat with him and demanded an explanation to his appalling behaviour. He said it is my nagging that caused him to say the hurtful things, he doesn't mean it, he does fancy me and his mum and dad both know he is the one with the problem. He said last night his dad was saying to him 'what has that poor girl up there done to deserve this?' so at least I am getting some support and recognition that this isn't me.

I have told him there is no way I am putting up with this anymore and I would get more support, emotionally and financially, without him. I suspect my family would take me and baby on 100%, in fact my mum said that if we don't work out. I could live with mum and dad and not worry about paying for a flat on my own. Sure, my room would be a little bit of a squeeze and it isn't a perfect situation but what is? Moving in with my OH who is absolutely unbearable to be with?

I am going home soon to have a long think, I will go for a walk or something and sort my thoughts out.

He seems genuinely remorseful but it doesn't excuse the fact he has let me down AGAIN. I feel more insecure than I did before. Hearing him tell me he doesn't fancy me and telling his mum he doesn't want to be with me anymore, why say it if now he says it isn't true?

What a mess.

I am so worried the stress has hurt baby. I haven't felt any little flutters and am worried sick something is wrong. I don't see my consultant and midwife til Tuesday and even then I don't know if they will be getting the doppler out, what if they can't find a HB on the day? What do they do then?

 

[kat2504]

It's one thing being "remorseful" but he is STILL blaming you. It is not your "nagging" that is the problem. he shouldn't need nagging to behave like a man.

It's great that your family are behind you 100%. It doesn't matter if the house will be a bit of a squeeze. Babies don't take up much space, so long as you have space for a cot in your room and space for a few toys and bits and pieces it will all be fine. And you will have lots of help from your family which will be crucial in the early days. When the baby is here and you are settled, you can look at getting your own place, but in the first year at least, there is no rush.

The baby will be fine. Not all midwives use the doppler at 16 weeks. Mine did and it was fine. You can always ask them if they don't suggest it. If they can't find it and they are worried they send you down the hospital so that they can find it. Also you have your scan coming up soon.
You are too early to feel movement with a first baby. I'm 19 weeks and barely feeling anything at all yet. 18-22 weeks is average.

Remember that he has let you down so many times. Stay away from him until he can prove that he has changed for good. Perhaps during that time you will notice that your life has been nicer without him and you won't want him back. It is scary to leave a man when you are pregnant, I'm sure. It must make you feel very vulnerable.

He knows he is the one with the problem but he still has the cheek to blame your behaviour? He isn't ready to change yet I'm afraid.

 

[Jennifurball]

I wish I had a doppler now just for peace of mind, at least I could keep trying! Fingers crossed they find it anyway, would be something nice to think about and keep me going until the next scan.

Yes he is still putting the blame on me, he won't admit his drinking. He said if I stopped nagging, I would see a difference. I don't see how when he drinks when I am not even around. Sick of it.

I will just spend this week at home, not texting him, being with people who make me feel loved. I should be at home with my dog, he is quite old now and needs me, he makes me feel so loved and wanted, makes me sad that I choose to spend time away from my beautiful dog with someone who is vile towards me. Even my dog is careful around me now I am pregnant, he used to climb on my belly when he wanted a cuddle but doesn't now!

 

[brokenbits]

I recognise this situation, I was in it myself 7 years ago. Unfortunately I also think that your relationship will do a few more circles before you find the courage to leave him. It sounds very much like that although you dislike the man and what he is when he is drunk, his kind words and apologies are enough to make you stay. And then it'll all happen again.

I hope that you find the strength to leave this man sooner rather than later, I hope you find the courage to stop making excuses for him and realise that he is slowly gaining complete control over you using emotional abuse. Then there is a very big chance it will turn physical. And this will put yours and your baby's life at risk. Not worth it surely?

Tuck your tail between your legs, and go home to those who will truly support you. Your parents will be there for you no matter what.

 

[emily3399]

It sounds to me like you have an amazing family waiting for you to return home.... i know your head is telling you its what you want to do but you just have it in your heart of hearts that hope that one day things will change.

I know my partner and i arent going to make it forever, too much has happened between us now and theres only so much that you can put under the bridge until it constatly just pours. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and really thought that this man was the one... but turns out hes not all i thought and i do still love him dearly but that doesnt mean he loves me and i know i have to walk away but i will literally have no-one to turn to so i stay with him just for staying sake.... but if i was in your position with a family offering you all that support and a safe warm environment for you and your baby id jump at the chance.

Please have hope that you will find happiness in the future and you will not be alone forever sweetie i hope you find the strength and courage to walk away i am sure you are a beautiful young woman with alot to offer who certainly wont be left on the shelf for long... its time to do whats right for you, you and your little one inside you deserve more xxxx hugs xxxx

 

[floofymad]

Good luck Jennifurball, I'm glad you're going home for a while. Everyone is right. He's still blaming you and not accepting responsibility. Take some time away and don't let him coax you back or make you feel guilty. He shouldn't be treating his pregnant girlfriend like this...

 

[Jennifurball]

Thanks everyone,

When I was leaving I said I will pick you up Sunday for the scan, he said but I want to see you before then, I just said what's the point and drove off, felt really bad leaving like that, I love him so much when he is sober. It is killing me going off like that being horrible.

He text before saying he is sorry for upsetting me and he does love me.

I am just keeping away. Whether he meant it or not, he said last night it is over, so I will give him a little taster of what it is like being 'over' and see how he responds to it.

I took my dog on the park and had a relaxing, but cold, walk with him, it was nice spending time watching him enjoy himself. It is little things like that that make me happy and chilled out. He is snuggling on my lap now, I am a different person at home. Hope baby is ok now.

 

[stickylizard]

i admire your strong attitude. the way he has treated you in unacceptable and you are doing the right this by you and baby

when i was pg with dd, when me and FOB used to argue (or me and my mum!) she would stop moving and be really still. she definitely reacted to my stress levels. BUT your baby IS fine he or she is just having quiet time. when you feel perkier the baby will start moving again. i worried so much about this last time but she was always fine as soon as i felt less sad and angry. ella is still like this now. i mean, it barely ever happens cus i keep her away from fights (not that there are many between me and OH but with MIL...). However when we were at MILs house with Ella, i was holding her and we were arguing cus she is being such a cow, and ella went so quiet i almost forgot she was there. i felt so guilty for her hearing it, and she was just still and quiet, not bothered or upset...


as soon as we left i looked at ella gave her a kiss and said you ok baby girl and she immediately smiled and started gurgling like usual and grabbing at my ears and my nose etc. like "oh right, attention is back on me GREAT!" lol

i digress but please dont worry about your baby. they do go quiet but for your own good once youve gone baby will be fine again xxx

 

[stickylizard]

again, youre amazing. a stronger person than i am xxx

 

[_jellybean_]

I agree with Brokenbits.

Jennifer, I'm really sorry that you're dealing with so much stress. I hope that you find the courage within yourself to leave him. You do NOT deserve to be treated this way.

Also, I just want to add...it's important to document things. That may sound crazy, but all of the stuff he's doing to you--write it in an email and send the email to yourself. God forbid you have to deal with a custody battle or something like that. It's better to be prepared. Hope you don't mind me telling you that.

Anyway, I hope that you get some rest and relaxation. Can you confide in your mom or a friend about this?

Gender won't change his attitude. If he wants to change, he has to change first for HIMSELF. Then for his baby and you. If he turns his life around for anyone else, I believe it will be short-lived.