Doom and gloom people?

[Skywalker]

I do have people that say nice, positive and supportive things about having a baby, but I also have TONS of people who seem to really enjoy reminding me that having a baby is hard.

Thing is, I'm pregnant and in my third trimester. I'm not giving this baby up for adoption and I'm single, so people who give me these kinds of speeches KNOW that I'm in a sort of inevitable situation, so it's not like there is really any point to them telling me horror stories because it's not like I'm gonna go, "You know, in that case, I don't think I'll have a baby after all." Lol, you know what I mean!?

Yes, I know that my baby is going to cry a lot. I know he's going to wake up every few hours to eat and I know I'll need to change an inordinate amount of diapers. I know that I'm in for sleepless nights and tons of overwhelming situations. Why do some people feel the need to remind me of this? Do I come across as some starry-eyed naive person who thinks my baby is going to sleep for 10 hours straight and get up in the morning and make himself a nice pot of coffee before pulling up his own diaper???

It just... ERG. It really bothers me. The people who say these "helpful" little reminders about, "Get ready to not sleep at all!" and "You know he's gonna cry all the time, right?" range from family members to complete and total strangers. I want to turn around and be like, "You know you're going to die one day, right?" to show them how CRAPPY it is to remind someone of a tough eventuality that they can't escape.

I for the first time in the past few days have started to just tune these people out and focus on the POSITIVE moments I'll have, like when I first hold my precious baby boy in my arms, when we first breastfeed, when I can play with his little toes and cuddle with him, when I can see him sleeping and even when I can console him when he wakes up crying. YES I know that having a baby is not like having a hampster! I know it's going to be ridiculously hard, ESPECIALLY given that I am doing it 100% alone. I GET that. But you know what? I think it's going to be beautiful, too. It cannot be all doom and gloom 24/7. It's not like I'm going to have a 15 pound baby who is going to destroy my vagina and then NEVER sleep EVER and ALWAYS cry every moment of his existence, like some of these alarming and negative people might have me believe.

I know this is getting long but I really needed to just get this off my chest to a bunch of women that might understand. I'm just sick of being warned all over the place that the moment I give birth my life will be 24/7 drudgery and hell because I don't think that's a) accurate and b) even if that WAS true, how is it helpful to go up to someone and point out something terrible to them over and over?

ENOUGH WITH THE DOOM AND GLOOM! Yes it's going to be hard but I know it's going to be worth it and it won't be terrible all of the time! Seriously the next person to give me any horror story I literally AM going to turn around and say, "You know you're going to die, right? Some day. Maybe tomorrow, maybe 50 years from now, but you're going to die. Just thought I'd warn you and remind you of the horrible inevitability you face." Might be mean but seriously I think it's mean to go to a single pregnant woman and tell her how BAD her life is going to be once her baby is born. It's just crappy. I wish it would stop and maybe this will stop it.

 

[imaswimmer2]

Yes, I know that my baby is going to cry a lot. I know he's going to wake up every few hours to eat and I know I'll need to change an inordinate amount of diapers. I know that I'm in for sleepless nights and tons of overwhelming situations.

Not only do they not need to focus on this, it might not even be true! My son came out sleeping 6 hours at night and was up to 12 hours by 3 months. Furthermore, he cried so rarely I hardly knew what his cries sounded like. Don't resign yourself to the fact that it's gonna be super tough and stressful, cuz it might not!

 

[Buggzxxx]

I had my first baby at 18 years old and I was single at the time. Yes there are times when its tough but your baby can have you on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then flash you one little smile and it makes it all worth it!

You know people do focus on the struggles single parents face, that they cant share the responcibility but the flip side of that is that you get all the good things all to yourself! I'll struggle this time because I'm not doing it by myself, I know I wont want share this baby with DF! I'm used to doing it alone, I don't know any different.

The bond I have with DD is amazing and its that strong because for a long time it was just me and her vs the world. So dont let people bring you down with their negativity, the good things far out weigh the bad when it comes to being a single parent.

 

[dinkery]

I know exactly what you're talking about, it's all I ever hear. Except the thing is I actually FALL for all the doom and gloom stuff because I'm already so scared and nervous! You have a great outlook and I wish I could be as positive as you. I admire you for it because I can't see as much good yet as you seem to, and I will have help that you won't. I've always been sort of a melancholy, glass-half-empty person and I think I may make this harder on myself than it has to be, but it really sounds like you are ready to love and enjoy your baby even through the hardships.

 

[Skywalker]

Thank you ladies for your awesome replies!!! I've only been able to be positive about this in the past few days because I realized I had been buying all the stress-inducing terror stories hook-line-and-sinker because I HAVE been really nervous this whole pregnancy. I don't know, I just had a shift of perspective after hooking up with my awesome doula and making a birth plan and getting educated and I feel so much more confident... and also something else unexplicable has happened where I just do not care anymore what anyone thinks of me. I don't know how this happened because I used to be sooooooooooo wrapped up in wondering what someone thought of me, and the other day I went to my doctor's appt with my hair just brushed, not styled, no real make-up on, not the most fashionable outfit out there, and I caught myself in a mirror and I didn't look my best, but it just wasn't important to me at all! Similarly all of the opinions of all the negative naysayers I've had to put up with just have stopped mattering to me!

Like pp said, maybe my baby won't be like these people are warning me he'll be like at all! Maybe he'll be way more chilled out! Or maybe he'll be ten times more all over the place. I'm ready for whatever disposition he is going to have. I'm already not sleeping more than a few hours at a time at night because of terrible heartburn that feels more like magma, being uncomfortable in basically every position despite all of my millions of pillows, having to pee and eat, etc. If he sleeps for 3 hours at a time, I'd be dancing!!! That's pretty much longer than I sleep at a time right now! Lol.

Funny enough a lot of the people who have given me these oh-so-helpful (ha) warnings have been MEN, who do not understand what it's like to be pregnant and not even sleep more than 1-2 hours often and being excited when we get 4 hours straight. I can see how it would be pretty shocking for a guy to go from their usual 8-10 hours of sleep a night to suddenly being woken up every 2 hours or so, but I'm already used to it!

Anyway it's really awesome to have positive replies from you guys! I was just getting so fed up with all the for-my-own-good types of alarm stories.

I don't know what motivates people to tell all these alarming stories but I know that once I am actually a parent, I am not going to torment a poor pregnant girl with harrowing tales of motherhood "for her own good" because if she wants to know about my experience or wants advice, she'll ask! And even if I had a rough time, I'd just be honest and remind her that my story might be totally different than what she could expect since every baby is different.

 

[flowergirl7]

I'm a FTM and I appreciate people trying to help, but it can be annoying. That's why I like coming on here and asking you ladies for advice. People keep telling me how I won't be able to put myself first anymore and all this crap. Really? I thought the baby would watch himself while my husband and I go do our own thing. I realize that everything will change and I realize that I won't really know how much it will change until I have him here.

Skywalker - Yeah a solid 3 hours of sleep would be amazing right now! I'm usually up to go to the bathroom every hour or so. I don't believe it will be hell either. It's going to be more challenging in ways, but beautiful I love your positive attitude

 

[paintrider89]

People seem to like to do this to FTM especially. I've even had some make comments about how my DH won't do to well. Really people, humans have been doing this since the begining of time, sure it's stressfull, but VERY few people only do it once, so it can't be that aweful. IMO at least.

I think you will do great Skywalker, the fact that you can post so many positives just proves you have made the right decisions for you, and you will be a great momma!

 

[Skywalker]

I'm a FTM and I appreciate people trying to help, but it can be annoying. That's why I like coming on here and asking you ladies for advice. People keep telling me how I won't be able to put myself first anymore and all this crap. Really? I thought the baby would watch himself while my husband and I go do our own thing. I realize that everything will change and I realize that I won't really know how much it will change until I have him here.

Skywalker - Yeah a solid 3 hours of sleep would be amazing right now! I'm usually up to go to the bathroom every hour or so. I don't believe it will be hell either. It's going to be more challenging in ways, but beautiful I love your positive attitude

Haha, exactly! I thought the baby would watch himself while I go do my own thing, too Hehehe. Ugh, 3 hours of straight sleep would be divine. I agree, definitely going to be more challenging in ways but also beautiful, and I love your positive attitude, too!

I don't know that I'll ever understand people's motivations in giving unsolicited and particularly doomy advice/warnings but yeah, I think the best thing we can do is just remain positive! The way I look at it is it might be really rough OR it might be easier than I thought, but most likely it will be a little bit of column a and a little bit of column b.

When people give all this doomy advice I want to be like, "Really!? Do you have a crystal ball?? That is so awesome! Read more of my future since you know so much about it! Get me the winning lotto numbers!" Haha. I never think of these things in the moment but I wish I did.

 

[Leids]

I would really like to know what prompts people to be so negative. What do they get from it? Is it because they want other people to fail? You would think that people would be trying to lift up a single pregnant woman by giving her empowering thoughts instead of fear mongering.

It's hard, but anyone with half of a brain already knows that. You just do it, they fit into your life and it becomes natural. You'll do great! I find it funny how it's mostly men who are going on about how difficult it is considering how little many of them have to do with a newborn in the early days. A lot of the women I talk to say that although it's hard they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

[Exmxb]

I think most of the time these people mean well but just don't know how to simply say "congratulations" and leave it at that. Esp for us single mamas, people love to crap on us because of whatever reason we ended up here. And I think when youre pregnant, people think it's okay to put your personal life on blast and ask questions about things they would never ask about otherwise. Once baby comes and you get some experience under your belt and show them that you can "handle" it, they all go away. Promise!

 

[everdreaming]

Yep I get the same. Especially from my dad. I wonder if he thinks I will suddenly decide oh yeah this was a bad idea, I'll give the baby back to the father shall I, the one who's refusing to acknowledge the baby is even his?

 

[Starry Night]

I think people don't know how to be helpful without being negative. They see a woman being excited for her baby and right away assume she has some dreamland fantasy about what motherhood will be like--possibly because they were like that as a FTM and then reality came crashing down around them.

I HATED all the negativity I got as a FTM. I had lost my first pregnancy and had severe, SEVERE depression afterwards and then had a very complicated pregnancy that nearly ended my son's life. I was THRILLED to be having him come at all. My excitement was not from la la land. It was pure "my baby isn't dead". Of course I was terrified, wondering if I was going to be a good mom or not. But there was no going back.

The BEST thing I heard was a friend passing on advice they got from a random old lady they met in a grocery store. She told them to enjoy every moment as each moment passes too soon. She told them not to look ahead too much and just be happy with the stage their child is in as they'll never get it back. I really took it to heart. I say cling to those who say positive things about being a parent. My friend had sent me that encouraging email/advice because I saw them and another friend commenting on Facebook how much they loved being parents and that was the FIRST time I had ever, ever see anyone say something positive. All I had been getting was warnings and suddenly my happy miracle was starting to feel like a mistake. So I had replied to their conversation to thank them for their upbeat attitudes.

And now as a second-time mom I am getting it again. "Oh, going to two is SO much harder" or "girls are SO much worse than boys" and all they do is complain about their kids. Whine, whine, whine. I have a hard time relating. I love, LOVE being a mom. Even when DS is jumping up and down in my bed puking his guts out. LOL That actually happened.

 

[Skywalker]

I would really like to know what prompts people to be so negative. What do they get from it? Is it because they want other people to fail? You would think that people would be trying to lift up a single pregnant woman by giving her empowering thoughts instead of fear mongering.

It's hard, but anyone with half of a brain already knows that. You just do it, they fit into your life and it becomes natural. You'll do great! I find it funny how it's mostly men who are going on about how difficult it is considering how little many of them have to do with a newborn in the early days. A lot of the women I talk to say that although it's hard they wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

You girls are all so awesome! I am so glad I posted about this! I think we should go on a campaign haha, have t-shirts that say something like, "Yes, I am pregnant. Yes, I know it results in a newborn. Yes, I know it will be challenging. Yes, I'm still going through with it. No, I don't want unsolicited advice. Thank you."

I don't understand what prompts people's negativity, either. I think many of you hit the nail on the head when you say that maybe it's just that some people don't know how to be helpful without being negative. Maybe it's that they were given that advice and fear-mongering from someone else when they were expecting and they think that's just what you're supposed to say to someone who is pregnant? But I totally don't agree with it, either way.

Hehe, my little bub is wiggling away as I type... He's going to be a lot more than I'm used to dealing with, I know that, and this is a bit off the topic but I have to say, this baby literally saved my life, as unplanned as he was! I was in a very destructive and abusive relationship and had stopped fighting for myself. I was so beaten down that I just had given up. The things I allowed to happen to me were atrocious, but when the baby's father started putting my unborn baby at risk and harming my baby, it put this spark back in me. I might have stopped fighting for ME but I was going to be damned if ANYONE was going to hurt this baby! I was stranded in a foreign country and had to have family help me escape from him, literally, and get back to the States. I'm here now and I've been able to go through the remainder of my pregnancy surrounded by family and friends who are supportive, living in a much more peaceful environment. So I guess my point is that I've gone through some hell already but I am more grateful for this baby than I can ever really explain! I'm grateful for him regardless of whether or not he screams all night (my god I hope he doesn't, because then I'd feel like a terrible mother not being able to figure out what he needed and how to give it to him and console him!) I'm grateful for him whether or not I get one hour of sleep per night or ten hours of sleep. He is a MIRACLE! He survived through physical abuse at the hands of his biological father and he helped give me a reason to survive and pick myself up, and now I am just so excited to meet him and have this little precious bundle! Happy tears!

So I think that's why I ESPECIALLY hate people telling me all the negative crap... I already went through hell, I don't need promise after promise and assurance after assurance that my hell is going to worsen, even when I don't think that is the case, really!

But no matter what anyone says to us, we have beautiful little bundles on the way!!! Bundles of surprise and mystery who might make us question why we ever let a man near us to get us pregnant one moment but overjoyed and overwhelmed with gratitude that we have them the next. I'm sure it's a rollercoaster and has its ups and downs but no one knows the love we have for our babies like we do! Maybe we can be a new generation of really positive mamas who change the negative perception of parenthood and make people realize how miraculous it is, poopy diapers and all!

And thank you to PP who said I'll be a good mother! I think you will be amazing too and all of you/us will!

 

[Bambino123]

I dreaded having a baby due to similar comments. (I also didn't have a maternal bone in my body at the time) I was very pleasantly surprised! I made a point of telling them how easy I found motherhood (which really p***ed them off) and went about life as normal, but with my gorgeous little baby in a sling keeping me company. Like a little best friend by your side at all times.

There were a few people I ditched along the way. Instead of focussing on the amazing parts, they would only ever ask "how many times did you have to get up last night?" Etc. If I spoke of the wonderful parts they would try to bring me back to the more challenging ones. Why? Don't know, I ditched them. They were ruining my happy vibe.

 

[Snow Owl]

On the single parent stakes one of my friend was a single mum with her first.

She reckoned she had it easier as she didn't have 'a grown up child' to look after aswell!

I know so many people who's OHs think the woman should do everything, so think how much easier it will be without that

 

[Sarah lo]

I have no idea why people feel the need to frighten FTMs to be with horror stories.

My DD was a horrible baby, she was grumpy and clingy and didn't sleep through till she turned two. BUT I would never have changed her for anything. She is still my most favourite person in the whole world and makes me smile every day. In that first year when she was hard work, I appreciated the good times all the more because there weren't as many of them. And guess what, now she's a really "easy" toddler compared to everyone else's I know. I'm not even 100% sure what terrible twos are!

I'm not very good at explaining things lol but what I'm trying to say is that even if you do have a baby who is a bit more "spirited" yes, you will have to work a little bit harder, but you will cope, you will love him and you will be happy x

Who wants a boring quiet baby anyway

 

[Rachie004]

I'm going to start reminding people that they're going to die one day - that is awesome

 

[Buggzxxx]

I find people are negative about everything! If its not about baby crying and being demanding, then its "oh, you'll struggle to get your figure back" or "you think this is bad just wait until baby is teething".

I think people like to make their lives seem better by putting other peoples down.

With regards to the comment about getting my figure back, when thi was said to me this time I very smuggly informed that person that after I had my DD I left the hospital in my pre-pregnancy size 8 jeans I'm a far cry from a size 8 these days but it was nice to take that little victory! Haha!

 

[Skywalker]

I'm going to start reminding people that they're going to die one day - that is awesome

Haha! Me too

And Buggzxxx:

"I find people are negative about everything! If its not about baby crying and being demanding, then its "oh, you'll struggle to get your figure back" or "you think this is bad just wait until baby is teething".

I think people like to make their lives seem better by putting other peoples down."

I agree! It has happened to me every single stage of my pregnancy! I've been warned "If you think it's bad now, just wait for ____" Most recently I've been having tons of problems sleeping and a family member said, "You think it's bad now, just wait until he's born!" I responded back saying, "Actually, I think even if he only sleeps 2-3 hours at a time, I'll get more sleep than I do now and it will be better sleep because I won't be uncomfortable and massively pregnant anymore!"

Plus, again, even if that WEREN'T true, sneering to someone who is sleep deprived and assuring them with a smile that it's just going to get worse is so jerky! I really do need to remember to pull out the "you know you're going to die eventually, right?" line for moments like this Hahahaha

On weight, I even had one family member who was "jokingly" calling me fat in my second trimester and told me a horror story about his sister's weight gain in pregnancy and made me all paranoid that I was gaining too much. I started watching what I was eating more and lost a few pounds and my midwife went crazy telling me not to lose any more weight. After that, he shut up about me gaining weight in my pregnancy, but I couldn't believe the rude things some people feel entitled to say to a pregnant woman just because she's pregnant. For instance, if I wasn't pregnant and I had gained a few pounds, would he call me fat? Probably not in a million years! Something about being pregnant seems to invite insults and evaluations and rude, judgmental comments (and horror stories).

And it stinks because pregnancy is when many of us feel most vulnerable and many of us are already scared! We don't need anyone else to help us to feel more scared or worried or bad about our bodies or futures! Pregnancy is a time, if anything, where people should be more reassuring and supportive, not telling sadistic scary stories and judgmental comments.

 

[ericacaca]

Hahah! OP - 15lb baby to destroy your vagina? I had a 9 pounder and mine will NEVER be the same again! lol! That's not meant to be doom and gloom at all - I loved every waking moment of my first little one.

Exhaustion - yeah, sties on my eye that made me look like Sloth from the Goonies - yeah. But it always seemed to me that people relished to hear about that stuff so I hardly mentioned it. If they brought questions up to stress those bits I'd just say "Yeah" and leave it at that.

It'l all be fine xxx