Embarrassing issue

[needsadvice]

Hi! I am so embarrassed by this issue that I've created a new profile so hopefully no one will know who I am!

I am pregnant again after a horrible missed misscarriage. I know that sex is not supposed to cause any harm, but bearing in mind that I am scared to move in case I hurt it and have even stopped drinking tea and coffee, not having sex doesn't seem like such a huge sacrifice, especially as I am not that bothered to go without.

The problem is my husband...he wants to have sex and although I give in about once a week (against my will) he would like it a lot more. He had a bad day yesterday and gave me such a guilt trip when I said no to sex, saying it would make him feel better and help him relax...but we already had sex the day before and I don't want it to become too regular, at least until i feel safe about this pregnancy, which I definitely don't yet...

To me it doesn't matter in the least, all I want is for the baby to be ok, but he makes me feel so guilty. He's brilliant every other way, but last night he went to sleep without speaking to me and now he's out drinking with a load of work mates. I know he wont do anything stupid, but I'd feel so much better if he wasn't pissed at me when he went out...and I don't think I've done anything wrong, I just want to protect our baby, after we both had such a hard time with the last loss It doesn't seem fair that I have to feel guilty when I'm the one (gladly) making all the sacrifices...

Has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you deal with it? Why are men such spoiled children sometimes?!!!

 

[crancherry]

So sorry Have you explained why you are reluctant? He may be taking it as an insult to his ego if he thinks you just aren't interested in him.

If you have explained it, than I think he is being awfully insensitive and selfish. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! You are not there just to please him, you are doing the most important of all jobs right now which is growing and nurturing a human being! He is a grown man that can learn how to practice stress relief in other ways than sex and drinking.

I know we all have a "wifely duty" somewhat, but he has the "husbandly duty" to protect and cherish you, especially now while you are carrying his child. Going to bed mad is always horrible and I am sure it is causing you stress. I would wait until he is in a non-defensive mood to approach the subject carefully and explain your fears. Surely he couldn't want to put his own testosterone over the health of the baby and security of his wife.

 

[tuckie27]

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. A lot of PAL women have different feelings about sex during their pregnancies. Usually those that have had recurrent miscarriages seem more cautious about it or have been advised to avoid it altogether. I'm not sure if you've only had the one loss, but if that's the case, you are probably going to have a perfectly normal pregnancy this time. However, I was told that after my first loss and unfortunately that wasn't the case for me, but I think having 2 or more in a row is usually the exception...MOST women go on to have normal pregnancies after only 1 loss. I have had 2 losses and we are having sex during this pregnancy, but not as much as we usually do and my Dr. told me to have my hubby "go easy" during intercourse, but other women in my situation are not having sex at all; it's a personal choice or something your Dr. helps decide with you.

What really alarms me about your post was when you said you were having sex "against your will". I wondered if you meant your husband was forcing himself on you? I have to tell you that it is NEVER okay for a man to force you to do ANYTHING sexually against your will, even if that man is your husband-it is still your body and it is an extreme violation for him to do so (and also illegal here). The other thing is that you shouldn't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable during your pregnancy, no matter what your husband thinks. If sex isn't something you feel safe doing during this pregnancy, then that is YOUR choice. I had to have "pelvic rest" after my D&C for several weeks and I offered to pleasure my husband in other ways and he didn't even want to because he said he would rather wait for me to be pleasured too. That meant a lot to me and I bleieve that is how a good man should feel. A good man will not guilt you, force you, or coerce you sexually. With what you mentioned about him forcing you against your will, I'm going to add some websites in case you need them:

https://www.rainn.org/pdf-files-and-other-documents/Public-Policy/Issues/Marital_Rape.pdf
https://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/pr.html

Remember too, once baby comes it's going to be a long time before you will be able to be intimate again and even after you are ready, with a newborn keeping your hands full, it will very difficult to have as much sex as you did before-how will your husband deal with that? He needs to step up and realize he's about to be a father and being a good husband is about supporting your wife and treating her well, especially in front of your children. Feel free to PM me if you need any support or help

 

[needsadvice]

I may have phrased that badly, he doesn't force me but he gets so sad if I don't want to that I feel guilty and once a week or so as long as he's gentle then I go along with it. I think the truth is we have very different sex drives normally, but usually i can be persuaded although he has to initiate...but at the moment I would be happiest to not have sex for the whole 9 months! But he is used to having to persuade me a bit, so it's not surprising he does it that way now...
I want to be intimate and cuddle, but as soon as we get cuddly he gets in the mood...I guess I should take it as a compliment but I just want him to understand that I'm not rejecting him, I just don't want anything going near my baby!
Maybe a conversation about the subject when we are both not feeling defensive might be a wise approach...
He's amazing in every way and he would never mean to hurt me, we just have such differences of opinion on the importance of sex! I really could go without and I wouldn't even notice but I think he'd explode!

 

[MightyMom]

My OH is frustrated because I refuse to do anything that would cause an orgasm until I see a healthy 12 week scan. But that doesn't mean we aren't intimate. There are lots of other things you can do that do not involve penetration. Perhaps if you offered your OH an alternative he would be okay with that?

 

[ssjad]

Hi there. I completely understand how you feel. My first three pregnancies I had such awful morning sickness that I just did not feel like sex! Once I started each time though I was somewhat distracted from the nausea.
A few weeks ago I had a miscarriage after a couple of vigorous sex sessions. I know that this can cause a little bleeding from the cervix, but is not harmful for the baby. It still leaves me wanting to go a little 'softer' this time around though.

Maybe if your concern is for the baby you can engage in some fun activities that don't involve penetration...? I definitely think keeping the lines of communication with him is very important though...

 

[princesspreg]

First of all sex won't harm your baby or the fetus. I think we should not forget our partners in this thing called pregnancy. Neglecting them can cause more stress to you and harm to your baby. I think we have to give and take in reference to the wife and husband as well.

If its the Dr.'s orders to take it easy on sex then fine. But I also understand with hcg hormones running thru us sometimes we just don't want to do a thing. But I think we must meet a middle ground. And if you do have sex, try to participate and ask OH to be gentle.

Ps. sex is good for the baby and lubrication of the womb even better for pushing time.

 

[amotherslove]

stop feeling guilty! thats my only advice. lol. like someone above said, you aren't there just to please him. YOU are missing out on sex too.. and going through a scary time.. he should be supportive. if my oh (if i had one) pulled guilt trips on me he would get LESS sex. and then i'd probably boot him out of my bed. only have sex when it is mutually agreeable. he will live.

 

[Joanna82]

Hi

I lost my baby boy in Feb this year. Me and my boyfriend had sex during the pregnancy but it doesn't mean that sex caused my miscarriage(I will find out about the cause of my baby's death this month). In few months time I will be trying for my rainbow baby. This time, I am ready not to have sex through 9 months if needed because I decided that I will do everything to protect my baby. As the girls said above, there are other ways than penetration so there's always a way round it.

 

[djbutton01]

Hi! I am so embarrassed by this issue that I've created a new profile so hopefully no one will know who I am!

I am pregnant again after a horrible missed misscarriage. I know that sex is not supposed to cause any harm, but bearing in mind that I am scared to move in case I hurt it and have even stopped drinking tea and coffee, not having sex doesn't seem like such a huge sacrifice, especially as I am not that bothered to go without.

The problem is my husband...he wants to have sex and although I give in about once a week (against my will) he would like it a lot more. He had a bad day yesterday and gave me such a guilt trip when I said no to sex, saying it would make him feel better and help him relax...but we already had sex the day before and I don't want it to become too regular, at least until i feel safe about this pregnancy, which I definitely don't yet...

To me it doesn't matter in the least, all I want is for the baby to be ok, but he makes me feel so guilty. He's brilliant every other way, but last night he went to sleep without speaking to me and now he's out drinking with a load of work mates. I know he wont do anything stupid, but I'd feel so much better if he wasn't pissed at me when he went out...and I don't think I've done anything wrong, I just want to protect our baby, after we both had such a hard time with the last loss It doesn't seem fair that I have to feel guilty when I'm the one (gladly) making all the sacrifices...

Has anyone else had this problem? If so how did you deal with it? Why are men such spoiled children sometimes?!!!

I totally understand where you are coming from! I also have to look at it from my husband’s point of view which is probably just like many other husbands. My husband shows me his love through sex. He also gets a sense of security through your desire for him. It makes him feel manly, loved, wanted, and respected, and relieved. His pouting about sex is showing that he needs you and he wants you to need him. If he were being angry or rude then I would be concerned but pouting? He is showing you emotion in the best way he knows how. You both want the baby but he also doesn’t want to be forgotten about. He is probably HUGELY attracted to you being pregnant since many guys are whether they admit it or not. My husband and I did it 4-6 times a week on average and now we are only about once a week because in my mmc I kept spotting after sex so we are terrified to find blood. When we got another BFP we talked about how we wanted to handle sex this time. He was very open and I was with him as well.
After I have an orgasm he checks his fingers or whatever for blood and reassures me that there’s nothing there. Then after we have intercourse he is quick to check again to make sure there is no blood. Then on the in between times I help him out. I may help him out manually or just give him something to look at, like after I shower so he can take care of it himself while he watches. I can do little things so he knows that I care about him and his needs while we both desperately want this baby. Try not to think of him as being a child. Sex is a very real need for a man just like we have needs. TBH, if you help him in his needs, he is more likely to help you and your needs. I have only done dishes twice since our BFP and he keeps putting the clothes away after I get them washed and folded. I have plenty of ideas to help you both out so please feel free to pm me. This is one area that we have worked out pretty well and it works for us both and both of us are happy.