Cookie1979
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This is hugely long, so I apologise in advance.
I know pregnancy can turn you into an emotional wreck, I've seen threads started by people who have no reason to feel down and upset, I have a very good reason, yet I hate feeling like this. I've probably posted about this before, I know I definitely did earlier in my pregnancy, but I forget if I've said anything recently...my mind is a black hole at the moment, stuff goes in but its instantly lost!!
Anyway for those that dont know I will explain, I lost my mum in November of last year, she had Ovarian Cancer, she was fighting it for 2 and a half years, all that time we knew there was no cure for her, it was just a matter of keeping her with us as long as possible. The Oncologist was very optimistic and said she could give my mum a few good more years, and despite having it hanging over us we managed to get on with things and carry on almost as normal. As normal as you can do when you have to watch someone you love fade away infront of your eyes, still when she wasn't having treatment she was quite well and infact was feeling good for the last 8 months of her life. She looked brilliant, no one would have known she had cancer at that time. Anyway suddenly in November her stomach bloated up, she had fluid in it and the cancer was active again, she was supposed to have some more treatment and the fluid drained and despite the set back they thought she would be ok. Turns out that she had a major infection in the fluid in her stomach and no matter how what they gave her after 2 and a half years of fighting and 3 lots of chemo over that time she just couldn't fight it off. It was very quick.
Its been hard, really hard and it still is (had to stop for a moment there as I was almost crying). As I'm sure most of you can appreciate I need my mum, and its not just need, I want my mum, I want her here to give me advice to talk to and to just be there for me...but she's gone. My baby is due 1 year and 2 weeks after she died, and dont get me wrong this baby could not have come at a better time, I feel like this is going to give me and my family something postive to focus on, something good, something that will make us smile and feel happy. But there is sadness, my baby would have been my mums first grandchild and she would have loved it and would have been a fab grandmother and the fact that she will never meet my child hurts more than I can ever tell you.
I'm getting upset more and more at the moment, I was brushing my teeth the other morning ready to go to my GTT at the hosp and I just started crying and couldn't stop, I really had to find stregth from somewhere to stop and get myself out of the door, I was set off by the prospect of a glucose drink, her blood sugar level was low and they tried to increase it and I remember her pulling a face and saying it was too sweet and she didn't want it, the drugs made her act funny and I had to stand there stroking her head like she was a child and encourage her...then I remembered the pain, she was begging me to let her sit up cos it hurt but the nurses said no cos of all the drips. Its one thing to know someone has died, but to see if, my god that is something else entirely, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm depressed thats something completely different, and I know nothing anyone says can take the pain away or make it ok that my mum is dead, but I dont know I just feel I need to get my feelings out there. I dont talk to anyone about it, if I cry I cry when no one is around, I dont know why I feel I have to hide my pain but I do. We're going to a service at the local church this month to remember my mum, I'm not religious but I'm going for my dad, its important to him.
I hope my mum is looking over me, and I'd like to think that she'll be like a guardian angel to my baby boy. I do believe that we go on after death, my dad has had some experiences (nothing to do with my mum, was before that) and just before and after my mum died I had some stuff happen, which I truly believe was my grandmother (mums mum who died of breast cancer). Believing doesn't help much though, my mum was 58 she should still be here.
On top of all that it turned out my mum carried the mutated BRAC1 gene, meant she was 80% likely to get breast cancer and 60% likely to get ovarian, she never got breast, her mum got breast and they think it was her mum that passed the gene to her. I only found out she carried the gene after she died, she tried to tell me on her deathbed, but my dad said he would tell me...the reason she wanted me to know is because there is a 50% chance I have it. I was supposed to be tested and was still going to after I found out I was pregnant, but the genetic counsellor thought I shouldn't and she was right. So once baby is born I've got to decide when to do it, I could bury my head in the sand, but that would mean I could end up with the same fate of dying in my late 50s like my mum and grandmother, if I know I can have operations including a double mastectomy...not pleasant but I'd do it. I'm glad I'm having a boy, means that if I do carry the gene and pass it on to him it will only mean he has a slightly increased risk of getting prostate cancer in later life...its not as dangerous for men. I'd like a girl, but I wouldn't want to have one knowing that I could pass it on...of course I'm making assumptions, there is a 50% I dont have it.
I constantly go between happiness that I'm pregnant (something I didn't think would happen due to my PCOS, and certainly not by accident) and sadness that my mum is dead, its a real rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want to shut myself away and not see anyone or talk to anyone until the pain goes away, but I know when my nan died my mum struggled for years, and I remember it was something like 5 years after my nan died my mum was crying and I couldn't understand it...I do now, I really do.
I know pregnancy can turn you into an emotional wreck, I've seen threads started by people who have no reason to feel down and upset, I have a very good reason, yet I hate feeling like this. I've probably posted about this before, I know I definitely did earlier in my pregnancy, but I forget if I've said anything recently...my mind is a black hole at the moment, stuff goes in but its instantly lost!!
Anyway for those that dont know I will explain, I lost my mum in November of last year, she had Ovarian Cancer, she was fighting it for 2 and a half years, all that time we knew there was no cure for her, it was just a matter of keeping her with us as long as possible. The Oncologist was very optimistic and said she could give my mum a few good more years, and despite having it hanging over us we managed to get on with things and carry on almost as normal. As normal as you can do when you have to watch someone you love fade away infront of your eyes, still when she wasn't having treatment she was quite well and infact was feeling good for the last 8 months of her life. She looked brilliant, no one would have known she had cancer at that time. Anyway suddenly in November her stomach bloated up, she had fluid in it and the cancer was active again, she was supposed to have some more treatment and the fluid drained and despite the set back they thought she would be ok. Turns out that she had a major infection in the fluid in her stomach and no matter how what they gave her after 2 and a half years of fighting and 3 lots of chemo over that time she just couldn't fight it off. It was very quick.
Its been hard, really hard and it still is (had to stop for a moment there as I was almost crying). As I'm sure most of you can appreciate I need my mum, and its not just need, I want my mum, I want her here to give me advice to talk to and to just be there for me...but she's gone. My baby is due 1 year and 2 weeks after she died, and dont get me wrong this baby could not have come at a better time, I feel like this is going to give me and my family something postive to focus on, something good, something that will make us smile and feel happy. But there is sadness, my baby would have been my mums first grandchild and she would have loved it and would have been a fab grandmother and the fact that she will never meet my child hurts more than I can ever tell you.
I'm getting upset more and more at the moment, I was brushing my teeth the other morning ready to go to my GTT at the hosp and I just started crying and couldn't stop, I really had to find stregth from somewhere to stop and get myself out of the door, I was set off by the prospect of a glucose drink, her blood sugar level was low and they tried to increase it and I remember her pulling a face and saying it was too sweet and she didn't want it, the drugs made her act funny and I had to stand there stroking her head like she was a child and encourage her...then I remembered the pain, she was begging me to let her sit up cos it hurt but the nurses said no cos of all the drips. Its one thing to know someone has died, but to see if, my god that is something else entirely, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm depressed thats something completely different, and I know nothing anyone says can take the pain away or make it ok that my mum is dead, but I dont know I just feel I need to get my feelings out there. I dont talk to anyone about it, if I cry I cry when no one is around, I dont know why I feel I have to hide my pain but I do. We're going to a service at the local church this month to remember my mum, I'm not religious but I'm going for my dad, its important to him.
I hope my mum is looking over me, and I'd like to think that she'll be like a guardian angel to my baby boy. I do believe that we go on after death, my dad has had some experiences (nothing to do with my mum, was before that) and just before and after my mum died I had some stuff happen, which I truly believe was my grandmother (mums mum who died of breast cancer). Believing doesn't help much though, my mum was 58 she should still be here.
On top of all that it turned out my mum carried the mutated BRAC1 gene, meant she was 80% likely to get breast cancer and 60% likely to get ovarian, she never got breast, her mum got breast and they think it was her mum that passed the gene to her. I only found out she carried the gene after she died, she tried to tell me on her deathbed, but my dad said he would tell me...the reason she wanted me to know is because there is a 50% chance I have it. I was supposed to be tested and was still going to after I found out I was pregnant, but the genetic counsellor thought I shouldn't and she was right. So once baby is born I've got to decide when to do it, I could bury my head in the sand, but that would mean I could end up with the same fate of dying in my late 50s like my mum and grandmother, if I know I can have operations including a double mastectomy...not pleasant but I'd do it. I'm glad I'm having a boy, means that if I do carry the gene and pass it on to him it will only mean he has a slightly increased risk of getting prostate cancer in later life...its not as dangerous for men. I'd like a girl, but I wouldn't want to have one knowing that I could pass it on...of course I'm making assumptions, there is a 50% I dont have it.
I constantly go between happiness that I'm pregnant (something I didn't think would happen due to my PCOS, and certainly not by accident) and sadness that my mum is dead, its a real rollercoaster. Sometimes I just want to shut myself away and not see anyone or talk to anyone until the pain goes away, but I know when my nan died my mum struggled for years, and I remember it was something like 5 years after my nan died my mum was crying and I couldn't understand it...I do now, I really do.
x
, i'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that your son brings you nothing but happiness.
. Stay strong (as you already seem to be) and remember you'll have people surrounding you with nothing but love.
