carisasanders
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- May 18, 2011
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I cant believe i ran across this post when i stood in my kitchen this morning in tears with my husband who is a pastor and me a broken hearted ministers wife who felt as though she is a failure and not good enough for my husband or God. I cant provide him a child and I must not be good enough to be a mother if God hasnt Blessed me i thought. Last night i had a talk with God as well. Me and my husband usually pray together before bed i left my door open last night waiting for him to come into my chambers and he never entered. So I was going to get upset until the Lord said i want to be alone with you. I quietly shut the door and proceeded to get on my knees and began to apologize to God before I ever spoke for what I was about to say to him. I told him i was hangry and had so much anger in me toward Him the ONLY one who gives and takes life. That I was angry He doesnt trust me to give me a baby and angry at my husband because He acts as though He just trusts God will work it out while i silently sit by in pain. I said God if your there if your real please talk to me. And NOT to my amazement He did. He began to tell me that I am to lean not to my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct me. He told me that If wanting a baby is more important to me than sharing His Word then I would never get a baby. He reminded me of Jonah who questioned God and God answered Jonah and said did you make this fig tree? Who are you to tell me what I should and shouldnt do. He told me that all scripture is breathed out by God and these are His words to me. He told me that all things work together to the good of those that love God. I said Lord is this just my mind telling me things I have read. He replied to me and said My Word tells you the Spirit will bring to your mind what you need when the time has come and this is the time you are in need of it. He told me that Sarah went about trying to have a child her own way and made God angry instead of waiting on Him. He said If I give you what you want when you want and when you are doing it your way then you get the glory. BUT IF I wait until you have exhausted all your schemes and potions and tricks that you claim I bless and really dont but WAIT on me TRULY wait on me then I WILL get the glory when i decide to bless you IF i decide to bless you! I quietly ended my prayer and have began to focus on God all day today saturating my heart and spirit with his word and sermons and reading and talking to him all day. I dont know when or how but this I do know the Word tells me Is ANYTHING to hard for God? (book of Is) And i do know when God asks a question it doesnt require an answer because Hes really making a statement. I trust God and in the end like Jesus, Lord not my will but your will be done!