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Faith & TTC

I cant believe i ran across this post when i stood in my kitchen this morning in tears with my husband who is a pastor and me a broken hearted ministers wife who felt as though she is a failure and not good enough for my husband or God. I cant provide him a child and I must not be good enough to be a mother if God hasnt Blessed me i thought. Last night i had a talk with God as well. Me and my husband usually pray together before bed i left my door open last night waiting for him to come into my chambers and he never entered. So I was going to get upset until the Lord said i want to be alone with you. I quietly shut the door and proceeded to get on my knees and began to apologize to God before I ever spoke for what I was about to say to him. I told him i was hangry and had so much anger in me toward Him the ONLY one who gives and takes life. That I was angry He doesnt trust me to give me a baby and angry at my husband because He acts as though He just trusts God will work it out while i silently sit by in pain. I said God if your there if your real please talk to me. And NOT to my amazement He did. He began to tell me that I am to lean not to my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct me. He told me that If wanting a baby is more important to me than sharing His Word then I would never get a baby. He reminded me of Jonah who questioned God and God answered Jonah and said did you make this fig tree? Who are you to tell me what I should and shouldnt do. He told me that all scripture is breathed out by God and these are His words to me. He told me that all things work together to the good of those that love God. I said Lord is this just my mind telling me things I have read. He replied to me and said My Word tells you the Spirit will bring to your mind what you need when the time has come and this is the time you are in need of it. He told me that Sarah went about trying to have a child her own way and made God angry instead of waiting on Him. He said If I give you what you want when you want and when you are doing it your way then you get the glory. BUT IF I wait until you have exhausted all your schemes and potions and tricks that you claim I bless and really dont but WAIT on me TRULY wait on me then I WILL get the glory when i decide to bless you IF i decide to bless you! I quietly ended my prayer and have began to focus on God all day today saturating my heart and spirit with his word and sermons and reading and talking to him all day. I dont know when or how but this I do know the Word tells me Is ANYTHING to hard for God? (book of Is) And i do know when God asks a question it doesnt require an answer because Hes really making a statement. I trust God and in the end like Jesus, Lord not my will but your will be done!
 
I just have to say that I have found such a peace speaking with you ladies and sharing in how great our God is! I finally have come to the realization that I am complete without a child because of the amazing love God pours out on me and when it is time I will receive the gift of a child. IN GODS TIME!
Jessi, thank you SO much for sharing! God is using you with me right now; you sharing these messages with me are really affecting my perspective. Thank you and keep sharing girl! What a good point about channeling all our energy to helping others! That is what we are all doing here! We are keeping each other focused on God and working through our moments of weakness together! You’ll never believe that I stopped stressing and started talkin to you ladies and praying more and I went all the way through the first half of my cycle without fretting or prepping or googling! LOL! Now I should be o’ing soon and I’m STILL relaxed! Another point of your post that I LOVED was “God make me ready for…” not “God please bless me with….” I want God to prepare my mind, and I want to take this time to better myself. I OBVIOUSLY need to work on my patience and build my faith in him and this is an opportune time!
Carisasanders, thanks for your post! How great is a real conversation with our God? I love when I can hear God speaking back to me. I always know that it’s him because there is no way I could ever calm myself down as easy as when he starts to lay things on my heart. I wanted to tell you what I loved most about your post, but the whole thing was just so raw and true. I love the WHOLE thing. I can completely relate as I feel as though you were writing about a specific experience of my own. Keep us updated on your TTC journey and any other moments of weakness that you may have let us be here for you!
**I keep wanting to say that we will all be blessed but that is wrong, because I believe we are all blessed (whether it’s the blessings we’ve asked for or not!) Thanks for blessing me ladies! You have all been such a help through my struggles! Remember God only answers in 3 ways
1. Yes
2. No, I have something WAY better planned
3. Be patient, I’ve got great things in store :]

I love you ladies!!! Keep those comments coming! You all are such blessings and you are really helping me through this process!
 

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