Family indifference (What would you do?)

[Nathyrra]

Hey girls, I'll try keep this as easy to read and brief as possible. I'm feeling a wee bit ticked off =(

When me and hubby announced that we were pregnant to hubby's family, they were excited. They knew we've had fertility problems. Hubby's sister was very excited and nice at the beginning offering us her kids old things and offering massages which was lovely.

Then around the last part of my second trimester, she stopped calling. Stopped checking up to see how we were. Now, we live in the same apartment building as my husband's brother. His sister comes to visit the BIL at least once a forknight, and never ever comes to see us. We're literally 10secs walk from BIL's door!

Now hubby's sister is a fair few years older than him, and has children. This odd behaviour has nothing to do with jealousy.

I've had a hard pregnancy. My mum has took a plane trip over here from England three times already to help me out as I've spent alot of time on bedrest with a few complications. Now is not the time I need to be snubbed by inlaws.

Now, I know that as soon as our son is born, his sister is gonna be all over him like a bad rash and right now I'm so incredibly peeved that she hasn't had the decency to see how we are this pregnancy that I have it in my mind to block her from seeing him at all. I know this seems a little extreme, and I know I'm hormonal but I'm hurt that she just don't give a flying f**k anymore.

Anyone have any expert words of wisdom or has suffered simular? How do you know when you should spite them like they've spited you or just let sleeping dogs lie?

Sorry that was longer than I wanted it to be!

Thanks guys

 

[babyjiva]

Hey there,
well i'm no expert, but I've studied my fair share of psychology and relationship improvement and self help books etc and one thing I've learned is that spite, resentment and an unwillingness to forgive are not healthy for you!!! I'd suggest 3 things that I know are easier said than done.
1) don't take it personally that she hasn't come around, it's probably not personal
2) don't put too much weight on how others act about your pregnancy. The only thing that is truly important is how excited you and your OH are about your pregnancy
3) be happy for the effort she does make when she makes it because shutting down to people when they finally come around will only make them regret making the effort (no matter how small of an effort it seems to you)

I personally don't feel like it's fair to want other people to be excited or involved in your pregnancy. I know a lot of people will disagree with that, but it is our pregnancy after all. I have a lot of people in my life who are very excited and then people such as my mom, two of my three brothers, a best friend across the states etc. are not so excited or asking all of the time. It makes no difference to me. Pregnancy lasts for so long I'm sure they are just over the news by now. I know they are happy for me and if they suddenly want to be more involved when she's born, that's great. If not, fair enough.
I hope I don't sound insensitive, but I really like to encourage women to be happy in and of themselves in pregnancy because it is such a sensitive time. xo

 

[Red Rose]

Didn't wanna read and run

I have no idea as to why she is being like this hun. It seems very strange behaviour that she was excited for you in 1st trimester. What does your OH think of the situation? Have you tried inviting her over before to gauge her reaction?

People like this aren't worth worrying about, however its hard to let go and not let something like this wind you up. Maybe have a word with her and gently ask if anything is bothering her if you feel it is worth it.

 

[Nathyrra]

Any type of feedback is appreciated! I do understand it must be old news now but with the difficulties with the pregnancy I was hoping she'd be a little more concerned about mine and baby's health. Why take the time to come all the way here then not pop in and say hello @.@

It was actually hubby that said she can get stuffed when baby's here, which is what got me thinking about how to go about it. I guess I'm just hormonal and a little lonely, I always feel like an outsider with his family. I've had a wee cry about it lol. x

 

[SRTBaby]

She might not even realise how you feel, i have some distant friends who are too excited about my pregnancy and makes me a little uncomfortable. My family has never asked a single question about LO, I am fine since in our culture it is bad to talk about unborn baby. Once the baby is here that is when everyone shows up and i am comfortable with that.

Dont take it personally she might just be giving you and your OH space to enjoy your experience. If it really bothers you ask her why she doesnt stop by when she visits your BIL.

 

[Cookie1979]

Sorry to read you are having problems with your in laws, especially not only with the complications you have had, but because your family are so far away. I can't say why your sister in law suddenly lost all enthusiasm, it could be anything, it could be something you are completely oblivious about. Have you invited her round since she stopped calling? Perhaps she felt she was making all the effort, I'm not saying she was, but perhaps that how she felt and since has been waiting for you. You haven't said whether you've tried making an effort with her. Dont just get angry and have a go at her, try the peace maker tactic at first, invite her over for a cup of tea and chat or something to eat and see how she responds. Perhaps mention how you haven't seen her recently and how its been a real shame and see what reaction you get.

Its not always easy with in laws, I completely and utterly hate my brother in law and as far as Im concerned he's never going to meet our baby, perhaps an over the top reaction but also deserved, my hubby feels the same and his parents are well aware although they still bring him into conversation like we are all of a sudden going to want to know about him.

Hope you get it sorted, it would be nice if you had the support from his family that you need, and you would have thought they would have realised how difficult it has been for you and made an effort. Give it a try with her, if you dont get anything back then its her loss, but you dont want to rush in with accusations and harsh words when maybe all she's waiting for is an invite. Never know!!

 

[Nathyrra]

We keep them in the loop about things, and the contact has always been mutual. We've gone around SIL's house several times to see how they are. I went to BIL's apartment today to say hello but I just get looked at like I have three heads. As I said before, I'm treated as an outsider. I'm not going to make a big drama about it, and I certainly wont argue-it's not my style. I tend to just go into a corner and cry. I wish it didn't bother me. I just hate the fact it always has to be on her terms. I just wanna wrap my baby up in cotten wool and never have to subject him to this horrible family politics.

I believe my hubby will have a word with her, as my German tends to be quite broken and he would articulate better.

 

[sherple]

Maybe she thought she was being a bit overbearing and didnt want you to think she was being too involved or didnt want to interfere with your mum being there so has taken a step back but maybe gone to the other extreme.
She hasnt had any news that would mean her mind is elsewhere has she?
Hopefully its just a miscommunication issue and you'll get it sorted soon.

 

[MrsNovBaby]

Did not want to read and run, but have NO idea why she is like that, lots of hugs xx

 

[Ami777]

i think maybe you should mention it to her.. Call her up or maybe you extend an invite.. Have a girls day on saturday or something.. If she continues to be distant just let her know how you feel and ask her is there anything wrong. At least you would not be assuming and she might just be trying to give you the space you need until bubs arrives which is when you WILL need all the help and support if you wanted it.

 

[lushious09]

i can understand why it would annoy you but you need to remember people have their own lives and wont be AS excited about your pregnancy as you are... ive had this with my family my own nan hasnt even bothered getting in touch and i aint heard a thing from my grandad... my aunt on my dads side hasnt bothered either in fact apart from my dad that side of the family aint bothered at all... but so what i have my baby to doat on sod them

 

[emmi26]

just wanted to say i know how you feel. my sister works very hard and sometimes i wont hear from her for weeks but i gurantee when baby is born she will be here lots. its hard i know she doesn't mean anything by it its just i feel a bit upset that she can make time for my baby but not me its probably bad hormones!! thing is not to be selfish but i really dont want people around too much when ive just had him !!! i want to feed him and get to know him myself.
it is odd though that yr sil has been so supportive and has now backed off unfortunatley it doesnt look like there much else you can do you seem to have already been doing the hard work !! just focus on yr baby and what you need !!

 

[mama.bear]

i, too, didn't want to read and run so here are some hun x
i can relate in my own way to your sharing... my brother and SIL (also dealing with infertility issues so stressful times for them, i recognize, however they did not share their difficulties until i was already 4.5months along and have been supportive of our youngest sister, also preggers, due in dec.. it's hard not to take that personally, but i'm working on it.. *sigh.... def feel like the outsider in my own family, much like you with your in-laws...) haven't had a snippet to do with me or OH during my pregnancy, other than to give me a lecture a week after i'd announced i was having this baby - the lecture consisted of dear brother asking me if i was mad to think i was going to be a good mum and how insane it was that me and OH were going to have a baby! it hurt SO MUCH i could hardly speak about it for a long time... OH also doesn't want bro&SIL to have anything do with LO once she comes and i've struggled with the same questions you've brought up - do i spite them and hold back on visits, etc after LO comes because they've been so uncaring and distant? OR do i be the 'bigger' person and let it all go... it's a tough situation to be in! to you again!
i realize they too have their issues and are VERY different from me&OH in terms of how they live their life and are in their relationship... i kind of sense that because we are sensitive souls who need a certain amount of support from our families, and don't get it, it hurts a lot and we can't understand WHY they aren't there for us, because we would be there for them... my mom has also been rather unexcited and completely pragmatic about my pregnancy, not as 'romantic' about my experience as i have been and after reading some of the other comments on here, i guess it makes sense, no one will be as into your own pregnancy as you are.. but still, i guess i'm craving the kind of family who IS all excited and supportive.
i don't really have any advice, other than you as the mama can only do what feels right and good for you and your family - DH and LO... and if you need some space after LO comes meaning no visits from people you aren't totally 100% comfortable with, then take that time and make no excuses or apologies for it. i know it's hard to NOT take people's actions personally, i'm right there with you, but try to keep it in mind.. AND, if you need to cry, then cry it's better and healthier to let those emotions out than keep them in, stuffing them down... everything gets heightened and can be over-dramatized whilst we're pregnant so keep that in mind too and take extra good care of yourself and be grateful for your DH and all the other support and love you get from non-family... my fam is def my OH and LO and my circle of friends
you'll get thru this babe x

 

[Nathyrra]

Thanks girls

I do feel a wee bit better now, sometimes when you don't understand something or someone reacts in a way you don't expect it can leave you to question alot of things. I think I became more upset because hubby was upset. He's the kinda guy where everything rolls off his back, so if he's annoyed then it opens my eyes a bit.

The plot thickens a wee bit because Hubby talked to her today. She was oblivious to alot of it apparently. She keeps being invited over to BIL's apartment where BIL doesn't let us know she's there, and her know we're in. The BIL is an extremely jealous type, if the news isn't about him he's not interested and can be extremely manipulative. He was actually the one person who wasn't happy with our baby news, and is arranging getting a puppy to coincide with our baby being born.

It all seems to make sense now to be honest. I'm not going to block anyone from seeing baby, I'll just get on with it. The drama could just go on forever otherwise! Can't choose your inlaws, aye? lol x

 

[sherple]

Glad it's not as bad as it seemed to be hun.

 

[isolabella]

Sounds like she stepped back after all the "danger milestones" had passed and maybe that was her thinking, that you didn't need her support anymore? My OH family have not bothered with us at all, despite the fact that I've really struggled with a suspected fractured rib and working 40 hours a week, neither of his sisters work and live literally a few streets away. Despite them all being on facebook constantly they never ever acknowledge any of my status updates or anything either. I know they won't bother once she's here either. The test will be who will travel 40 minutes to the hospital to see her!

 

[kittykitty]

I live 300 miles from my family but are surrounded by my hubby's family. I am often feeling like an outsider when it comes to my hubbys's sister and brother (both married). When I didn't have a car for a week in July as my hubbys van broke so he took my car back to the navy they didn't once ask if I needed a list to the supermaket for food, or join them in something in the evening to get me out the house.

Since I've been pregnant my hubby's brother has said 1 line to me and that was in April "when do you go on maternity leave" and that was only as we were both standing at a bar of a restaurant waiting to be served so he felt he had to say something. He only lives 1 mile down the road and visits his mum (who I live next door to on her land) a couple of times a week.

I've said to my hubby that in my stubboness I don't want him to have anything to do with our son but that isn't fair on our son and actually how he treats me shouldn't matter, as long as he is a proper and good uncle to his new nephew (he has 3 others and 2 nieces which he is great with).

Its hard but you have to think of your child as not let your relationship affect how they are with the child, its not your childs fault and you shouldn't let them suffer by not having the opportunity to have a relationship with it.

 

[Nathyrra]

Awh kittykitty that sound's tough =( I can fully empathise with how you feel Being the outsider, it's always going to be an uphill struggle to fit in. I always feel like I'm being looked down on by the BIL. Him and his GF go out of their way to exclude us from everything. x