Fathers' Day dilemma

Discussion in 'Pregnancy After A Loss' started by Kess, Jun 2, 2011.

  1. Kess

    Kess Well-Known Member

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    I'd like to get DH a Fathers' Day card from Dinky (current bump), and from Morgan (miscarried baby), but I'm not sure how to go about it. If I just put it from Dinky, DH would be upset that I missed off Morgan (he has gotten upset before at things like me saying I wanted to get a necklace made with Dinky's footprint on it and he was saying well, Morgan never had that so we can't just do that for Dinky). But if I put Morgan on this year, what do I do in future years? I don't want Dinky to feel overshadowed by Morgan, IYKWIM, though I have no problem telling him about our loss. And I'd feel better not starting something like putting Morgan on cards than starting and just trailing off over the years like we're forgetting him or something.:cry:

    I know this might seem silly to some people (it certainly would to my in-laws), but it has always been important to DH and me that Morgan was acknowledged as a real baby who happened to die before being born, rather than 'just' a failed pregnancy. Even if a lot of the world doesn't see him like that, DH and I do.
     
  2. Eternal

    Eternal Three boys!

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    I am sorry for you loss and your dilemma. Dont want to R&R.

    We lost a baby at 11weeks, i do acknowledge him/her as out second baby but wouldnt put them on cards etc, but we all deal differently and we already had a living son, so not sure if things would be different if we hadnt already got our son.

    How about instead of writting morgan on a card you buy something to remember morgan? I have a charm braclet and i have a charm on it that represents our baby.

    but as i say we all deal with these hard experinces differently.

    maybe you should sit down and discuss it with your partner and decide how you want to remember Morgan in the future.
     
  3. xSarahM

    xSarahM Two Beautiful Angels

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    I think its so lovely!
    Maybe you could always put Morgan's names on cards? Even for Drinkys birthday cards? "Love Mummy, Daddy and Morgan"? Just a thought..
     
  4. Kess

    Kess Well-Known Member

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    We have a couple of things around that remind us of him, like a little stone carved with his name, and when I'm feeling up to it I'll put his scan pictures and stuff in a memory book, and my Mom bought a tree to dedicate to him. I wouldn't put him on cards to other people, afterall my Grandad doesn't put my Nan on cards since she died, but since DH never got a Fathers' Day card from Morgan it seemed... appropriate. Now I don't know. Maybe I will talk to DH about it, see if, as you suggest, there's some other way to acknowledge him on those days. I just wanted to surprise him with the card from Dinky. I know (because he told me) that he considered getting me a Mothers' Day card from both Morgan and Dinky and decided not to as he didn't want to upset me (I was going through a phase of crying lots again over the whole thing).

    I wonder if Dinky would feel odd having this 'phantom' brother looking over his shoulder his whole life?
     
  5. tweedy

    tweedy Well-Known Member

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    i had two loses before i had my daughter, one at 11 1/2 weeks and one at 9 weeks, i have a placque on the wall with stars names after my angels, but i woudn't have my daughter if i had of had either babies so it doesn't feel right to treat them like lost siblings. it's the same this time after yet another mmc at 8 weeks, i am pregnant again, i would have been giving birth the day i am scheduled for my 20 weeks scan, so while i feel it is important to remember all 3 of my angels, i would not like my children to think they are not wanted and will not be introducing them into everyday life, until they are ready to understand, probably when my daughter is in her mid teens.

    i think if you mark the occasion with a card from your bump and then maybe a sign of rememberance for you lost angel, perhaps a football pin with his fav football team and morgans name on it, it'll be something to keep forever and personal to him.
    the first year is always the hardest, and i don't mean to demean you memories of your lost baby, but when your baby is born, your world will suddenly revolve around them and hopefully it'll help you all with the healing process.

    as for having the shadow of anyother child, i would be dubious about that too, i hope my daughter will have no memory of my sleepless nights crying when i had my 3rd miscarriage, it so isn't fair on her, never mind the memory of what i went throught before her. i don't allow my husband to take her to her grandads grave on christmas day, he died 10 years ago, before we even met and i refuse to have her be forced to morn someone she didn't know, especially on christmas, he goes with his family and we always prepare a special treat for him coming home to cheer him up, that way she is a part of his healing and not of the morning.

    i'm sorry i haven't been much help, everyone has different ways of dealing with miscarriage and grief and i hope you are able to find peace. i still have my days where i think of my babies, but i can't get sad and i would go through it 100 times over to have my daughter and this precious bump.
     
  6. fides

    fides Well-Known Member

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    awww, i think that i'm going to steal your Father's Day card idea, and sign this year's from the bump and our Vincent Gianna. i think it really depends on your spouse and what you think he'll like - i know my husband would appreciate it for this year, since he hasn't met either of his unborn babies yet, so thanks for the idea! Good luck - i hope you decide something that's perfect.
     
  7. lintu

    lintu TTC a playmate for DD

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    I plan on getting a card from bean but i wont be putting my angel on it.

    I bought a tree that we planted in the garden to remember our angel and we can watch that grow together and remeber our angel baby, we havent forgotten our angel but we need to move on and heal, we both feel that by dragging it out were not mooving on.

    but everyone heals in there own way and time :hugs: i am sorry for your loss :hugs:
     
  8. debzie

    debzie Mammy to two girls.

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    I am getting two cards this year one from dd and you can get them "for dad to be from the bump" so I will be getting one of them. As you mentioned we do not tend to add those whom we have lost to cards. I know I will not be including my twins on any card we remember them in different ways.
     
  9. torch2010

    torch2010 Well-Known Member

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    Don't know if this will help but I put my son's name on all cards (he was stillborn at 25+5) along with my daughters. When this baby comes along it wont change and she will be told all about her big brother x
     
  10. tinkerbell79

    tinkerbell79 Well-Known Member

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    hi, so sorry for your loss x if you think your oh would be upset by not putting morgans name on then maybe you could send 2 cards, one from each of them x
     
  11. babyhopes2010

    babyhopes2010 one boy one girl.perfect!

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    i made card for DH.only u know what he wants hun go with ur heart :hugs: sorry for ur loss x
     
  12. PugLuvAh

    PugLuvAh Pregnant with #3

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    What a great idea! I might have to borrow that :flower:
     
  13. Moti

    Moti Angel Mommy

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    I don't think I will put Ethan's name or the new baby on a card this year. I did get him a hand-crafted mens bracelet with with Ethan's name, birthdate and inscription on the back.
     

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