Feel I can't tell best friend about hb!

[ljo1984]

Sorry for the long post, just need to get it out! i feel a bit crappy! i went to see my best friend and god daughter today, we got onto the baby and she mentioned the birth, and that i'd be getting that epidural in straight away this time! and that she told me with imogen to get it (which i did). i just laughed and said something about the pitocin drip and the fact id only gone from 3 to 4 cm in hours of been on it that made me give up! i didnt even tell her about my HB plans and hypnobirthing because i know she'll say im mental, that it won't work and that i should just get an epi! now her little girl was planned c section, but her first little girl who she lost at 3 days old she got to the pushing stage but ended up with epidural and forceps. now i can imagine her not been the most calm person during pain, and she said she was carrying on and screaming/swearing etc (I did none of this!) and i can totally imagiane her been like that, but also her LO was back to back (why she ended up forceps) and the fact she knew she had a 50/50 survival rate i can imagiane does nothing to help anxiety and will only of made the labour worse, but she says pushing is the worst pain ever and i need that epi so i dont feel it!!! So I didn't tell her, i just dont think she'll get it, and she's very honest and straight to the point and most likely say something like i wont be able to cope etc (because she didn't, and I didn't last time!) so feel i cant even talk to her about it, so felt a bit crap just shrugging it off and changing subject! i dont really talk to many about it, and ive not mentioned anything on FB cause i think people will think im stupid. I told my boss at work (who was a MW for many years) and she was over the moon and i felt so good hearing someone been so positive! maybe i'll call her instead of MW when i go into labour ha ha.

So that's it really, just get it off my chest to people who understand! Maybe she wouldn't say that to me but I know she'll be thinking it! Might just keep it a seacret lol. Xx

 

[Nikki_d72]

I think you're absolutely right to not bother telling her, she obviously has different views on birth to you and just won't get it. You don't need anyone giving you negativity, just don't get into it with her. you can tell her all about it aftrewards. xx

 

[kellyb]

Yeah, at first I was going to tell you to tell her, since you're proud of your choices, but then after thinking about it, it just may not be worth it. Why add any extra negativity? People can be so strange about these things--as though just because you're making that decision, it's some kind of slam on the choices they may have made. Anyhow, it's going to feel SOOOO good after you've had the baby and you get to let everyone know exactly how awesome the natural birth went!!! Then NObody can tell you you won't be able to handle it. I'm so looking forward to this too.

 

[ljo1984]

Thanks ladies. She really is a fantastic person but because of how her labour was and how she coped with it she thinks that's how it is for everyone! I know mine was bad last time but that wasn't natural labour because of the pitocin, I handled that for so long with viaualisation (and I just did that naturally, I knew nothing about hypnobirthing etc) and when checked i was honestly expecting 6-7 cm after all that time and pain so i gave up! so I know natural labour I'll be able to cope with by staying calm and relaxed and been able to move around etc which I was stuck on a bed before. I think I'd feel bad saying at the end oh by the way I had a home water birth but think I'll just see how it goes. If I don't end up telling her Till after I'll just be honest plus it's not like she'll be the only one not knowing the only ones that do know are my mum and dad, brother and sil and friends at work, even oh family have no idea!!!!! Xx

 

[Rebaby]

I'm in a similar situation. Not with my best friend but just with people in general.

When i was having Toby we were open about our plans for a homebirth and we faced such negativity because of it, i was honestly gobsmacked We ended up choosing to go in to hospital during 3rd tri anyway as i was GBS positive and wanted the antibiotics. Then i ended up on synto and like yourself, the epidural was a direct result of that (was coping fine until they kept whacking that up ). So of course afterwards, although no one said "i told you so" i did feel that people were thinking "see?! what a crazy idea it was thinking you'd be able to do it at home"

So this time we have chosen to tell very few people. I haven't told a single person at work, most of our extended family don't know, it's really only close friends and family who know. It means i don't have many people to share my excitement and plans with but i know i will feel better afterwards being able to casually say "yes, he was born at home" rather than if i start telling people our plans again, have to face their negativity and then if for some reason we do transfer in, having to say "oh actually, it didn't work out"

It's a shame for your friend that she can't see that just because something was the right choice for her, doesn't mean it's the right choice for everyone

 

[ljo1984]

It's nice to see others are in the sane situation! Although it shouldn't be the case were made to feel this way! I'm a nurse so telling people at work they've all seemed to be fantastic, although I havnt told another girl who's due 3 weeks before me after someone asked if she's having a water birth she said oh no none of that crap! Ironically she used to be a mw up until a couple of years ago when she changed to nursing so was shocked she said it!
Each to their own, I'm glad there are a hand full I can talk to about it and all you girls are fab too! I'm really looking forward to announcing my water baby born at home to everyone! Give them a shock ha ha! Xx

 

[Rebaby]

I'm a nurse so telling people at work they've all seemed to be fantastic, although I havnt told another girl who's due 3 weeks before me after someone asked if she's having a water birth she said oh no none of that crap! Ironically she used to be a mw up until a couple of years ago when she changed to nursing so was shocked she said it!

It's funny you should say that because i'm a nurse too but i've kept my lips firmly sealed about our homebirth plans around work colleagues! I work on a neonatal unit so obviously we see all the preterm and sick term babies and most of the people i work with seem to have a hard time realising that there are millions of babies born who we DON'T see who don't need our help. I know they'd all think i am absolutely nuts for choosing a HB There are quite a few of us pregnant on the unit at the minute and due around the same time (although we're all on mat leave now obviously) and there has been a lot of chatter about the actual births and stuff but i've just been really vague. A couple of the girls are having elective sections, for their own reasons, and no one has batted an eyelid at that!

 

[ljo1984]

Ha ha I bet your sister is over the moon with the staff loss lol ours is dreading just 2 of us going! Mine might think I'm mental but theyve all been fine to my face but my sister seems quite excited about my plans and keeps asking stuff and telling me about home births she did etc.
I got the tape measure out last night to see where the pool would go and I'm getting very excited just wish I could share it with more people but oh well. I actually think these people who are negative to me make me want to do it even more to prove them wrong iykwim! Xx

 

[GD29]

Sorry for the long post, just need to get it out! i feel a bit crappy! i went to see my best friend and god daughter today, we got onto the baby and she mentioned the birth, and that i'd be getting that epidural in straight away this time! and that she told me with imogen to get it (which i did). i just laughed and said something about the pitocin drip and the fact id only gone from 3 to 4 cm in hours of been on it that made me give up! i didnt even tell her about my HB plans and hypnobirthing because i know she'll say im mental, that it won't work and that i should just get an epi! now her little girl was planned c section, but her first little girl who she lost at 3 days old she got to the pushing stage but ended up with epidural and forceps. now i can imagine her not been the most calm person during pain, and she said she was carrying on and screaming/swearing etc (I did none of this!) and i can totally imagiane her been like that, but also her LO was back to back (why she ended up forceps) and the fact she knew she had a 50/50 survival rate i can imagiane does nothing to help anxiety and will only of made the labour worse, but she says pushing is the worst pain ever and i need that epi so i dont feel it!!! So I didn't tell her, i just dont think she'll get it, and she's very honest and straight to the point and most likely say something like i wont be able to cope etc (because she didn't, and I didn't last time!) so feel i cant even talk to her about it, so felt a bit crap just shrugging it off and changing subject! i dont really talk to many about it, and ive not mentioned anything on FB cause i think people will think im stupid. I told my boss at work (who was a MW for many years) and she was over the moon and i felt so good hearing someone been so positive! maybe i'll call her instead of MW when i go into labour ha ha.

So that's it really, just get it off my chest to people who understand! Maybe she wouldn't say that to me but I know she'll be thinking it! Might just keep it a seacret lol. Xx

I knew someone with similiar views and a similiar attitude and we are not friends no more because she kept always pushing me to have everything her way. She had never even had a baby and was in a negative relationship yet always insisted they were in love , yet he would only put up with her on the odd weekend, sleep with her, get her to clean his flat, take all her dole money and tobacco ( she never saw the need to work ) and send her home. Wouldn't even buy her a chippie meal. Last new year she ended up with me and my partner taking her out because her bloke didn't want to see her and he never bought her anything in the 2 years they have been together. Some women are either crazy or just plain stupid.

Yet I was a fool for loving my partner (who works unlike hers), our kids would be messed up, he was a lazy D*ck, I could do much better etc and then the bombshell came when my partner threw her out after she tried to make a move on him after 2 years of me and him being together aswell.

Must have all been jealousy.
Hang out with this woman less or she will control your life!

 

[ljo1984]

Sorry for the long post, just need to get it out! i feel a bit crappy! i went to see my best friend and god daughter today, we got onto the baby and she mentioned the birth, and that i'd be getting that epidural in straight away this time! and that she told me with imogen to get it (which i did). i just laughed and said something about the pitocin drip and the fact id only gone from 3 to 4 cm in hours of been on it that made me give up! i didnt even tell her about my HB plans and hypnobirthing because i know she'll say im mental, that it won't work and that i should just get an epi! now her little girl was planned c section, but her first little girl who she lost at 3 days old she got to the pushing stage but ended up with epidural and forceps. now i can imagine her not been the most calm person during pain, and she said she was carrying on and screaming/swearing etc (I did none of this!) and i can totally imagiane her been like that, but also her LO was back to back (why she ended up forceps) and the fact she knew she had a 50/50 survival rate i can imagiane does nothing to help anxiety and will only of made the labour worse, but she says pushing is the worst pain ever and i need that epi so i dont feel it!!! So I didn't tell her, i just dont think she'll get it, and she's very honest and straight to the point and most likely say something like i wont be able to cope etc (because she didn't, and I didn't last time!) so feel i cant even talk to her about it, so felt a bit crap just shrugging it off and changing subject! i dont really talk to many about it, and ive not mentioned anything on FB cause i think people will think im stupid. I told my boss at work (who was a MW for many years) and she was over the moon and i felt so good hearing someone been so positive! maybe i'll call her instead of MW when i go into labour ha ha.

So that's it really, just get it off my chest to people who understand! Maybe she wouldn't say that to me but I know she'll be thinking it! Might just keep it a seacret lol. Xx

I knew someone with similiar views and a similiar attitude and we are not friends no more because she kept always pushing me to have everything her way. She had never even had a baby and was in a negative relationship yet always insisted they were in love , yet he would only put up with her on the odd weekend, sleep with her, get her to clean his flat, take all her dole money and tobacco ( she never saw the need to work ) and send her home. Wouldn't even buy her a chippie meal. Last new year she ended up with me and my partner taking her out because her bloke didn't want to see her and he never bought her anything in the 2 years they have been together. Some women are either crazy or just plain stupid.

Yet I was a fool for loving my partner (who works unlike hers), our kids would be messed up, he was a lazy D*ck, I could do much better etc and then the bombshell came when my partner threw her out after she tried to make a move on him after 2 years of me and him being together aswell.

Must have all been jealousy.
Hang out with this woman less or she will control your life!

I'm sorry but I Don't see how your story resembles this at all! I'm talking about my friends view on labour/birth based on her experience not bitching over each others partners etc! This woman lost her little girl at the end of it all so it was never gonna be fantastic for her! Some people don't get home births but that doesn't mean they are pushing anything on you! She is the most bravest and fantastic woman I will ever know for what she's gone through and what's she's doing in her daughters memory so why would I not want to be friend with her because she is pro epidural!!!! Sorry to go off on one but that reply upset me a bit, I had a previous friend like that and this one is far from in her shitty league!

 

[madasa]

I would just politely change the subject when it comes to babies and birth. If I could get a little edu-ma-kay-shun in there first - for ex. a little factoid about it not being usual for pushing to hurt etc. then I would, on the basis that she's probably terrifying every woman she knows with her own experience

 

[Pielette]

Yes I agree, there isn't an awful lot to be gained by disagreeing with each other! I think we all have very firm ideas on how we want our respective births to be, be that a home birth on in a hospital with an epidural. I think since she is your best friend, it might be worth simply telling her that you are planning on a home birth if all goes well, but don't dwell on the subject. I'm just thinking that if you don't mention it she may be a bit upset that you never told her - but then, that's for you to decide since you know her and we don't!
But don't let it get you down - you can always choose to discuss your plans with others who are more open-minded (not to say it's a bad thing that she isn't, she's just been shaped by her own experiences).

 

[ljo1984]

thanks ladies. i did change the subject the other day! i know she had a bad labour, so did i thats why i had epi last time. but i did have pitocin and i dont think she understands what that actually does to you! i dont want that stuff near me this time so i wont be having an epi (well i cant at home anyway ha ha!!) and i know i'll be able to cope with natural pain in my own home where i'll be most relaxed etc.
she will have c sections for any more births she has (as she did with her 2nd) as she has some long term damage cause by the downwards epesiotomy the dr did!! so shes very happy with that and she doesnt have to feel another contraction again in her life lol.
i think when ive seen the midwife next week and got it set in stone so to speak im gonna tell her, and that she might think im mad bla bla bla but just to not be negitive about it and to support me as thats what i need to get thorugh it.

ive started looking at pools and im getting excited now, but a little bit anxious but im sure its to be expected! xx

 

[berniegroves]

i feel the same. We are seriously considering a home birth (although midwives aren't too supportive so have started to dount myself!) but we haven't told a single person, as i just don't want to have to deal with any negativity.
So i would say just keep it to yourself and then if it all works out and you get your home birth you can let people know.
Good luck and i hope it all goes well for you
x

 

[ljo1984]

Don't worry about what mw wants if it's what you want go for it, they have to attend!! Xx

 

[Fuchsia1412]

I think that talking about labour and birth with your friends, especially if you have friends with LOs of a similar age, can be incredibly bonding, so I can see why you and your friend might struggle from both your viewpoints, when you're looking for such a different experience to her own. and I agree with some of the ladies that it might be best to listen to her talking about hers if she wants to talk (which she probably does, as yours is imminent, which always brings you round to your own whether good or bad..!) but to keep vague about your plans, as 'justifying' yourself or arguing your corner is never fun, even more so when it means a lot to you and you need all the positivity you can get! You can and i'm sure will get your homebirth! I'm going for one too and haven't told people who might meet the news with incredulity...unfortunately, MIL was one of those but couldn't escape from telling her!

 

[ljo1984]

i think, she thinks im on the same page as her cause of what happened with imogen, but that was the complete opposite of everything in my birth plan. i just know she'd be gutted if i had a hb and never even mentioned it to her before hand, and i think i would be too if it was her. so need to find a happy medium if there is one ha ha. im quite good at not taking horrible brth stories to heart, i just think, yeh that wont be happening to me ha ha.

 

[hippylittlej]

I have told people about the hypnobirthing and home water birth and peoples reactions have been from one extreme to another. I have just decided to ignore all the negativity. I can totally understand why you haven't told your friend. I am lucky that three of my friends all did hypnobirthing although all had hospital or birthing suit births. So I do have some support from them.