Feel like a crap mum & dunno how to change it

[chetnaz]

This is really really hard for me to write. To admit to. So please don't slay me. Think I need some help, some outside perspective. Don't know if I'm suffering from a touch of PND or if I'm just an awful mum...

I have three gorgeous sons. A 4 year old and (nearly)7 months old twins. My eldest was my world. For four years he had my undivided love and attention. He's always been a very hyperactive, cheeky, talkative boy. Now that the twins have come along, I find it really hard to show him affection and I find myself constantly angry with him

I find that the things that I loved most about his character (his talkativeness and cheekiness) seems to wind me up the wrong way and get me angry as he keeps playing up, getting up to mischief, constantly talking (and waking the twins up) etc. I'm just so exhausted from the twins, from the sleepless nights, from the constant breastfeeding, constantly carrying around two heavy babies (usually one on each hip) that when it comes to my eldest I am left emotionally & physically drained and have no patience when he plays up. I find myself constantly telling him off for acting up (which he's doing alot lately as he's feeling jealous, which I can understand) and feeling resentful cos I feel so tired and feel like he should know better and stop being so naughty. Then when I put him to bed at night I sit there in the dark on my own, flooded with guilt, thinking I'm such a bad mum and wondering what the heck is wrong with me and ending up in tears.


Don't get me wrong, I love him to pieces. He's my first born, my baby, my world. So why can't I show it to him anymore Why can't I give him the attention and the cuddles he so desperately needs?? Please help as I don't know what to do anymore, feel horrible and more importantly my little boy keeps telling his daddy his mummy doesnt love him anymore

I spoke to a HV today (first time I met her, she's new to me) and she said she'll be back on wed to have another chat and make plans (whatever that means). Has anyone else been through this?? Wha'ts wrong with me??

 

[NG09]

I don't have any advice, but I am certain you are not a crap mummy xx

 

[Lightworker]

Shortly after giving birth to my LO I found I would get very irritable with DD1 and Im not sure what brought it on but I tend to think it was the hormones because it vanished quickly. I notice higher levels of irritability when I am tired or hungry so maybe this could be contributing. I would also try doing something with your 4 yr old alone like walk in park etc, if someone else can have the twins for a while.

 

[Feltzy]

I've had feelings like this hun, Evie can really play up sometimes and I think its hard when you have a baby (more so two!) and you're tired it can make you have less patience. I've had guilt like you too where I just think I'm awful and she's going to grow up to hate me, but things have got better as Alfie has got older and less demanding. Do you have someone close to you that could have the twins for an hour whilst you spend some QT with your eldest?

I'm sure your HV will have some advice for you and she should recognise if it is a bit of pnd, you're not alone in feeling like this and you're certainly not a bad mummy xx

 

[ouchwithNo.2]

oooh you sound like me....
my son is 6yrs old and a very grown up 6yrs, he has taken to LO so well, she is 7mths and has shown no jealousy at all, in fact he adores her.
I don't think it is pnd, I am fine - but I still have daily feelings like that too!!
his energy annoys me, jumping around, stupid songs, silly school boy words and not doing as he is told the very first time.
I think it is because we kind of expect a bit much of them, they can do things alone but we forget that they do still need us and perhaps not having them close in age it is particularly easy to forget that they are only 6/7yrs....!
my OH tells me he is just being a normal boy, just full of energy and because I can't be throwing him around anymore (didn't they suddenly get heavy whilst we were pregnant!) he misses just mummy and harry time.
OH is the same as usual with him (always been a daddy's boy) but what really helps us, I let OH have LO for a whole day at the weekend and take him out, bike riding, swimming, anything - just us again, like it was.
He really enjoys that and so do I, it is just finding the time for the cuddles, there is always so much to do and having to get them to bed on time for school and deal with a baby is quite a routine.
I am dreading going back to work in 3 weeks.....
We will get there - you are not a bad mum - I am not a bad mum, things are just a little different and it will get easier, there are a lot of pro's for our age gaps but I guess that this is the con xxx

 

[chetnaz]

oooh you sound like me....
my son is 6yrs old and a very grown up 6yrs, he has taken to LO so well, she is 7mths and has shown no jealousy at all, in fact he adores her.
I don't think it is pnd, I am fine - but I still have daily feelings like that too!!
his energy annoys me, jumping around, stupid songs, silly school boy words and not doing as he is told the very first time.
I think it is because we kind of expect a bit much of them, they can do things alone but we forget that they do still need us and perhaps not having them close in age it is particularly easy to forget that they are only 6/7yrs....!
my OH tells me he is just being a normal boy, just full of energy and because I can't be throwing him around anymore (didn't they suddenly get heavy whilst we were pregnant!) he misses just mummy and harry time.
OH is the same as usual with him (always been a daddy's boy) but what really helps us, I let OH have LO for a whole day at the weekend and take him out, bike riding, swimming, anything - just us again, like it was.
He really enjoys that and so do I, it is just finding the time for the cuddles, there is always so much to do and having to get them to bed on time for school and deal with a baby is quite a routine.
I am dreading going back to work in 3 weeks.....
We will get there - you are not a bad mum - I am not a bad mum, things are just a little different and it will get easier, there are a lot of pro's for our age gaps but I guess that this is the con xxx

Kaya is also very mature for his age. Guess thats why I expect so much from him, I forget he's only just 4!! My OH is disabled so he can't do much physically with the kids, which means he cant do the stuff I used to with DS1 and he can't look after the twins while I have quality time wth Kaya. Thats another thing that frustrates me. I'm constantly exhausted because I have to do everything for them and I dont get any time to myself (for even a bath) let alone to go out with DS1 and spend time with him. I'd like nothing more, believe me. And even though I have a big family (who love nothing more than to coo over the twins) when it boils down to them offering help and babysitting, everyone is suddenly miraculously busy!

 

[kelly29]

hiya love well i think how you feel is normal? well for me it is? having a baby is hard work let alone 2 of them!!! when they get big they arn't so cute anymore and when your tired out like you say, things that might of made you laugh b4 are not funny!!! just rem that kids are kids and not to worry too much if your son is messing about or being noisy your not i repeat NOT A BAD MUMMY!!! i get stressy with mine all the time , i think thats just family life, i think if anyone tells you otherwise there just lying!!!
i don't have family either to rely on they never have my kids not ever but they are the kind of people that would just say..oh well you have these kids!!! not exactly helpful!!
my oh is not great with the kids esp the new addition but i feel for you with your oh being disabled.
i'm so sorry though as i have no advice, because for me shouting and stuff is just normal lol sometimes i cry too thinking i cant do it any more lol feeling sorry for myself lol i did just last night when i was up feeding lo when everyone was a sleep sometimes you feel as tho the world is on your shoulders but it will get better

i expect too much from my children sometimes you know..be quiet ..omg please give it a rest!! lol my 10 yr always gets all the stick in our house but i think my kids just get it now that i do love them always no matter what i say or do and that sometimes mummy's get stressed out . sorry if i have rambled prob makes no sense at all lol

today has been a good day for me a walk a long the beach with kids running and laughing in front pushing the baby along eating chips and those moments i wouldn't change for the world xx
ps if you do go docs don't be in any rush to take pills there so keen to give them but no help with the problem!! sometimes all you need is to have some times out! i feel guilty too but think that's just motherhood i feel guilty about lots from bf to what i should be doing with them!
xxx

 

[EternalRose]

Your not a bad mum at all, you just sound really tired. Do you have any support?

 

[Narla83]

I think its normal, i know i felt like that about my daughter, she had our undivided attention for 9 years then LO comes along and i find it hard am always telling her after ive seen to alfie, shh alfies asleep not now alfie needs seeing to!!!
You are NOT a bad mum if you were you would not be feeling guilty or even thinking about it!!
Try to have some time without the twins if you can and just have some you time together. Keep smiling i dont think its ment to be easy!!

 

[lolababes]

you are doing amazing, I get stressed with one baby never mind two

Hopefully your HV will have some advise for you when she comes back, I agree with Kelly29 though, dont just be pushed into taking meds, ask for support if you feel you need it. And dont be ashamed of how you feel you are only human and Im sure your little boy knows you love him even if he says different

 

[Babynumber1]

Dont ever think your a crap mum.You are doing amazing.And its only natural to get frustrated at times as you have your hands full xx

 

[Zedfaca]

I'm sure for every time you feel stressed out and snappy, there are tons more times you do a brilliant, patient job and get everything done. You can't let a couple of little let downs over shadow all the great work you do as a mum taking care of three kids. I'm just the same and I think so is everyone- sometimes I just feel like it's all too much and I get cross and snappy. It doesn't make you a bad mum at all. If you were a bad mum, you wouldn't care enough to feel guilty! We have twins in our family too and they really rely on each other. I know they're just babies yet, but when they're older I reckon you should be able to leave them to play together and spend lots of time with your older son

 

[JessJC]

I don not think for one second you are a bad mother!

Im very much like Kelly29.
I do think its normal to get stressed out with your older child and its easy to think 'they should know better'.
I often get stressed with my son for being naughty then when he's being good it makes me feel so guilty for feeling like that, then he's naughty and i get annoyed at him again lol.
I really feel bad we cant spend as much quality time together but now Casey is getting older im finding it easier to have a few snatched minutes just me and him reading a story etc which is nice xx

 

[hannahR]

First off......dont ever think you are a bad mother. My daughter is 4 and i have another daughter who is 7 months and that is enough for me, you have two 7 month olds. You are doing brilliantly. Well done!
It is very easy to lose your temper with the eldest child, i did and still do from time to time with Hollie. I think like someone else has said its almost easier to lose your temper with the eldest sibling as you expect them to understand.
Keep your chin up and i hope your HV helps you. xx

 

[chetnaz]

Thanks ladies you've all been so sweet. It's not just losing my temper that worries me. I find myself holding back from showing him affection. I cant seem to give him the cuddles and kisses that I used to before the twins arrived. When he tries to hug or kiss me, I feel suffocated. Then when I look back I want to hit myself cos I can't understand why I'm pushing my own child away and hurting his feelings. I do try, but its not like it used to be. The other night I felt so bad that I crept into his room and lied on his bed cuddling up to him and stroking his hair while he slept, but when he's awake and up to mischief or just wants cuddles from mummy I find myself holding back...Have no idea why