Feel like I must have been a bad person in another life...

[EternalRose]

Hi Ladies,

I am quite a private person in real life, and I dont usually like talking about personal things but Im feeling like I dont know what to do about the mother situation! Im starting to feel so isolated and depressed about it all I have told her how I feel on many occasions but she never seems to listen..

To cut a long story short, I was on the child protection register from the age of 3, and my mother now has a criminal record for the things she did to me as a child.

This is my first child, and I really wish I had a mother to share my pregnancy with, I feel so happy for you all when you talk about your mothers going to scans, and they have gone shopping with you and they have bought you nice things e.t.c but I can only dream what that feels like and its beginning to hurt so much. I dont know what its like to love a mother. She only usually calls me to have a go at me about something or another, I almost always end up crying.

We are in contact, begrudgingly on my part as I have twin sisters who are only 13 years old but I only get negativity from her. She has nothing positive to say to me, and when I told her I was pregnant I practically had to drag a congratulations out of her. Just to give you an example of the most recent conversations Ive had..

My mum said to me last week " How far gone are you now, 10 weeks? "

When I told her I was having a girl she says " But I thought you was convinced you were having a boy? I would have liked a grandson "

" Why are you calling her Abigail, Abigail? I dont like that name at all, and Mae doesnt go as a middle name. "

Latest one..
" Oh, my friend really wants to see a photo of the baby as soon as its born "

Why mum?

" Oh because she wants to see if the baby is ugly or not? "

The last one may shock you all, but it doesnt shock me in the slightest, she has said much worse. Being hormonal and all, I have had some really emotional moments with her on the phone about the things she says to me, but all I get told is

" Dont get upset now, as you know I have had stillbirths because I got too upset in my pregnancy, you dont want your child to come out funny! "



I know I have my fiance and he loves me dearly, but I feel so alone. We live in Surrey together, but his family live in Hampshire so I dont get to see them very often. He has one sister, that I keep contact with via facebook and phone calls e.t.c His mother passed away before we even got together which I am sad about as she sounds like someone I would have really got on with.

My mum also recently told me that " she finds it hard to look at me because I remind her of my father who she hated " To be honest, I think I always knew this deep down but who wants to admit to themselves that there own mother doesnt even want to look in your direction which is probably why I have had such bad self image all my life. She doesnt sound like she wants to be a grandmother and I feel sad that my beautiful little girl wont has a grandmother like this..

Anyway, I could go on but I already feel like Im laying myself bare by telling you what I have..

Just felt like I needed to get it out, I hope you dont judge me ladies

 

[hayley_willis]

I don't really know what to say to you hun, that's awful I cried reading it

I can't really give you any advice I would just say the same as what I think in that you and your fiance are building your own family now and they are the most important people to you, as hurtful as it is you need to ignore what others say (including your mum as harsh as that is) and focus all your energy on being happy with your new family xxx

 

[NickyT75]

im so sorry hunni I dont know what to say but nobody will judge you its not your fault your mum is like this

I dont know what to suggest but just wanted you to know im thinking of you xx

 

[Lexi mummy]

im so sorry hun. i cant quite find the words at the moment but i want to at least give you some hugs

im so sorry things are so bad for you were your mum are concerned. i personally having lost a child just cant understand how some women can be this way with their children. not sure what to say really. i do think by the sounds of it you will be a great mum and so grateful for your little baby xx

 

[KamKol]

Oh my gosh hun...honestly your post has nearly had me in tears. I don't want to upset you even further but I can't say I can fully understand how you feel because my mother and I have been like best friends all of my life.

So sorry to hear you have gone through this and are going through this. Just think of it this way: You will know what kind of mother YOU should be to your little girl - take this as a lesson as to what NOT to be, and bless your little girl with a mother who she can say has never let her down.

 

[Mrs A]

Baby, why would we judge you it isnt your fault your mum or mine for that matter is like that! i havent spoken to mine for around 8-9 years! i feel exactly where your coming from honey! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[mommy43]

hun i really have no advise on the mother front im afraid i was adopted n have known all my life my real mum didnt want me made herself ill n unable to cope through drink & drugs i know its not the same but i try not to think about it
i have my own life now n so do u try to concentrate on being a mum yourself ull be great n ur daughter will grow up happy with her mum n dad not because of ur mum despite her n shell know just how strong u are
sending u hugs

 

[jackiea85]

OMG hun I never knew any of this She sounds awful, I really don't know what to suggest. Maybe once your little girl has arrived she might change her mind? I think the best thing you can do is focus on your fiance, your baby and your partner's family and try not to get upset about your mum (though I have now idea how) In reality it's her that is missing out, your little girl will love the family she sees all the time and who care for her, if your mother isn't interested then your little girl won't miss her really, she will have 2 loving parents and 3 aunties xx

 

[Seity]

My mom lives on the opposite side of our large country from me and we almost never talk. I've pretty much been on my own with this pregnancy, but I didn't expect it to be any other way. My parents are happy for me at least, just not all that close. But I'd never call her up for advice or to talk, we just don't have that kind of relationship.

 

[EternalRose]

Thanks for being so supportive ladies, Ive never told anyone this much about it all. I feel better to get it out, though & thanks so much for your advice. The thing is, she hasnt seen me since last year August , but I dont think I would feel comfortable leaving her alone with my daughter. I want Abigail to know who her grandmother is but I think it will have to be supervised access. xxx

 

[Mrs A]

i annd im sure others wouldnt blame you. i have to say my mother wont even get to see my child so i think your mother should be grateful you arent like me xxxxx

 

[iznil8]

No one will judge you, it sounds like you are doing the best with the situation you have and I take my hat off too you.

You are putting your feelings a side to keep in contact with your sisters but at some point you might have to bite the bullet and put yourself first! This contact can't be good for you while pregnant and the hormones make it difficult to see that it isn't your fault!

Some people just aren't designed to have kids, its not your fault you ended up with this type of person as a mother and the fact it makes you so upset shows you are nothing like her and you will do great with your little girl!

Just remember that you and the baby come first, thats what is important!!!

 

[Kerrie-x]

We're not going to judge you hun, you don't deserve that one bit and in my opinion your mother doesn't deserve a wonderful daughter like you! From the threads i've seen you post on the forum, you seem like a lovely caring lady, and are really down to earth! I understand you keeping in contact with your mother for your sister's sakes, as its not fair on them, but she sounds like one nasty, twisted mother to be saying things like that to you, she doesn't deserve a beautiful Grandaugter! Please don't let her get you too down babe, remember you have your fiance and little girl to keep you going, xxxxx

 

[emmasmommy]

What you are saying sounds so very much like my life and relationship with my mother.
I was in foster care for a few years growing up, she has struggled with drug addiction, abusive relationships and alcoholism all her life. She was never and is still not a supportive parent. The world is about her. She told me when i was pregnant with my little girl, that she didn't know what she would do with a boy, and she would be dissapointed if i had a boy. She has seen my 1 year old daughter 3 times in her life. She found out i am having twins and has not yet mentioned it to me, no congratulations, nothing. She was recently arrested --again, for drug trafficking and called my home screaming at me saying i owed it to her to bail her out. How do i owe her anything? I know she is my mother but come on!
When I was a teen she started to charge me rent and made me pay for my own groceries and personal care items-- iwas 13 years old. so i moved out at 16.
Because of her, i know what every drug in the book looks like, and how to cook it. My mom can't look at me because i resemble my father who was killed during a drug deal when i was 6.


I feel for you, and wish that i had a relationship, a healthy relationship with my mother. Especially when i find out exciting news about the pregnancy or anything in life really. I find it soo important to tell myself that she is sick, selfish and i need to be the bigger person and create a healthy environment for me and my children. This means she can't be around. I do not allow her in my home any more, and rarely speak to her.
It doesn't take away the upsetting feeling, but it makes me proud to know i am making better choices, and am completley devoted and loving to my little girl. I know i will be everything she wasn't for my little one, and that makes me happy, and gives me something to look forward to.

Feel free to private message me and we can chat. I will be here to talk and support you whenever you need. Head up!

 

[EternalRose]

No one will judge you, it sounds like you are doing the best with the situation you have and I take my hat off too you.

You are putting your feelings a side to keep in contact with your sisters but at some point you might have to bite the bullet and put yourself first! This contact can't be good for you while pregnant and the hormones make it difficult to see that it isn't your fault!

Some people just aren't designed to have kids, its not your fault you ended up with this type of person as a mother and the fact it makes you so upset shows you are nothing like her and you will do great with your little girl!

Just remember that you and the baby come first, thats what is important!!!

Thank you for the support, I think since being pregnant ive thought a lot about what being a mum is all about, so naturally Ive looked at how my mum has been and Ive started feeling a lot of disappointment to be honest. Im starting to feel like I may have to cut her off at least till after the baby is due as my fiance had to abruptly tell her I wasnt in one day after I spent an hour crying after a phonecall. I was really worried I had upset my baby after that, and my fiance said he doesnt like it that she gets me in that state time and time again. She has even told me to stop crying before Matthew gets home, which makes me feel like she knows what she is doing.

 

[EternalRose]

What you are saying sounds so very much like my life and relationship with my mother.
I was in foster care for a few years growing up, she has struggled with drug addiction, abusive relationships and alcoholism all her life. She was never and is still not a supportive parent. The world is about her. She told me when i was pregnant with my little girl, that she didn't know what she would do with a boy, and she would be dissapointed if i had a boy. She has seen my 1 year old daughter 3 times in her life. She found out i am having twins and has not yet mentioned it to me, no congratulations, nothing. She was recently arrested --again, for drug trafficking and called my home screaming at me saying i owed it to her to bail her out. How do i owe her anything? I know she is my mother but come on!
When I was a teen she started to charge me rent and made me pay for my own groceries and personal care items-- iwas 13 years old. so i moved out at 16.
Because of her, i know what every drug in the book looks like, and how to cook it. My mom can't look at me because i resemble my father who was killed during a drug deal when i was 6.


I feel for you, and wish that i had a relationship, a healthy relationship with my mother. Especially when i find out exciting news about the pregnancy or anything in life really. I find it soo important to tell myself that she is sick, selfish and i need to be the bigger person and create a healthy environment for me and my children. This means she can't be around. I do not allow her in my home any more, and rarely speak to her.
It doesn't take away the upsetting feeling, but it makes me proud to know i am making better choices, and am completley devoted and loving to my little girl. I know i will be everything she wasn't for my little one, and that makes me happy, and gives me something to look forward to.

Feel free to private message me and we can chat. I will be here to talk and support you whenever you need. Head up!

Hun, it seems so similar to mine. I am so sorry you have had a bad experience as well About the " owing her " thing, my mum always says to me that its my fault now that she will never be able to work with children as its because of me she has a criminal record. How is that my fault? Also, about paying rent as a teenager, I know what thats like nothing was free when I was growing up. I had to pay for everything myself, or get the money somehow which led me into all sorts of bad situations. By 9 years old, I could cook a sunday roast all by myself. There has been some good come out of these experiences though, I am now very resourceful and can survive on really low amounts of money. I can make a meal out of anything, and money can stretch. I appreciate genorosity in people, and take nothing for granted and so on.

Anyway, I am really going to start telling myself the things you have in the last paragraph, I need to tell myself this more. Thanks again for sharing your story x

 

[Delilah]

Sweetie this is so awful for you and you have to detach yourself from your mum until at least after Abigail is born. You cannot allow her to get you in such an upset state when your health and happiness is vital to your little girl who is relying on you 100% to be everything your mother wasnt to you.

You say you would want her to have a grandparent - you know you can bring her to places like elderly peoples homes and let her be spoilt rotten by loving "grandma's" who have no grandchildren of their own to spoil. My friend volunteers a few hours every weekend in a home and she takes her daughter in all the time and they encourage her to do this - she is 6 now and helps take tea and coffee around, listens to their stories or just sits and watches tv with the residents - I think it is very sweet - but Olivia has like 20 "grandmas" - just an idea.

You have to put yourself first hun.

mxx

 

[beaney]

Hun, I just wanted to echo what the others have said. No-one will judge you, instead you should be proud of how much you have achieved and of what a caring and loving person you are, and how you want to build a better childhood for your daughter than you had. Same to emmasmommy, I think you have both come out of difficult experiences brilliantly and with a great deal of resilience.

I can only imagine how much your mum's comments distress you, and whether you cut her out for a time or not, only you know best. Just stick to your guns about your values and how you want to bring up your little Abigail - which by the way, I think your name choices are lovely.

From reading your post, and emmasmommy's, I have a huge amount of respect and awe for you both and wish you all the best with your own families.

 

[angeljewel]

Sweetheart don't ever feel like what she put you through was in anyway your fault!! You sound like even despite having her as a mother you have turned out to be a kind, caring and well grounded woman!!

It will make you an even better mum cos you would never want to be like her and too be honest would you really want her round your little girl after what she did to you!! She sounds like a pretty manipulative woman, like you said she seems to know what she is doing!! Dont let her mess up your life any further or your babies, if you want her to stay in contact make sure all contact is with you there and stop it straight away if starts any rubbish!!

Look after yourself and your LO and good luck honey xx

 

[Emx]

I consider myself to have a good family - although unfortunately my older brother is a complete control freak, he has been since becoming the man of the family when my dad died when we were young... as a consequence, even though I love my mum dearly and respect her enormously for bringing four children up on her own... my brother has made things very difficult at times - he is very controlling over my mum..

2 days before Christmas last year, my mum announced that my brother wouldnt stay with her (he has 2 children she sees only a few times a year) if I took my dog to hers.... basically making an issue out of nothing - my mum said 'well come down for Christmas Eve and maybe we can arrange a late train for you home'... broke my heart that I wasnt 'welcome' and I didnt bother making the 300 mile round trip!

Anyway - the point I am trying to get to, is that last Christmas day, I sat here on my own with the dog, and I promised myself that if my family could let me down at that time of year (and others) then I would make my own family... and this Christmas I will be 6 months pregnant, with the most amazing boyfriend anyone could wish for (we have been friends for years and got it together just after we had both had an horrendous Christmas)... So this year, i will be spending Christmas at home again but in happier circumstances and not alone..

You need to stop feeling guilty for what your mother did to you, I think you will truly understand how awful she was and is, when you have Abigail in your arms and cannot imagine a mother harming her own child physically or emotionally...

The control your mum has on you is just a continuation of the abuse she gave to you when you were a child, emotional abuse can affect children and adults in the same way and a clever abuser will use it as a tool for as long as possible because of the power it gives them - she is obviously dreading having to watch you be the good parent she never was and this continues to bring out the worst in her.... now you do have YOUR OWN family, it is your opportunity to stop her having this hold over you anymore xxx