Feeling guilty, and scared!

[kiwilove]

Im looking for reassurance and support. Please no negative comments. I know what I have done is wrong and am trying to change it. long post.

So I had my first ultrasound today, what an amazing feeling. It is still hard for me to believe there is a baby in there.
My issue is I am a smoker, and have been smoking everyday mostly a pack a day. I was a pack and a half a day smoker before I found out I was pregnant and cut down to a pack. I'm not going to pretend that I have been successfully cutting down, which was my plan. I have been lying to my family a friends about this saying I have been only smoking 8 to 15 a day. I am owning up to my mistake now. I just had so much guilt for smoking that I would lie to others about it. It is so much harder then I thought it would be.
I have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years, had a mc in march at 6w2d, didnt quit then either. I always said that I would quit the moment I found out the next time around but I found myself so much more worried and scared of losing this one that smoking seemed to calm my nerves.
I had many thoughts of "all our parents smoked with us and we turned out fine" "I know people who smoked throughout there whole pregnancy and their babies are just fine" "I will quit soon" "Just make it past the 12 weeks once the danger zone is over then quit" "quitting will cause a mc" "too much stress on the baby if I quit" Just stupid thoughts like that, that kept me smoking and thinking it would be ok.
Well the ultrasound, which was my first has completely freaked me out. I guess because I didnt really have proof that there was actually a baby in there, and seeing my baby has made it real and has given me he motivation to quit, I hope.
My husband outright freaked out at me tonight when I told him I had not quit yet (I had told him once I know everything is fine with the baby I will quit, on ultrasound day..today)...well he said if anything happens to our baby it is YOUR fault, YOUR being selfish, I dont care about you it's about the baby...It was so0o0o harsh to hear and I was really angry with him for putting that on me...but I needed it, and im glad he did...tough love. He told me to give him my cigs and I said no, I have to do it on my own time, I have to be ready. Well it took me about 5 minutes to realize that he is right and I just need to do it...and what helped me realize that he was right was that I went on FB and the first thing on my news feed was about a couple having to buy a casket for their unborn baby, I took it as a sign and gave him my cigs.
I have no willpower and an addiction to cigs, I'm scared I will fail at quitting. I'm so nervous it will cause stress on the baby and that I could mc...please reassure me. I know that quitting smoking is the best thing I could do for my baby, and I plan on keeping pictures of the scan on me at all times for those moments when cravings hit. any advice or tips...please no rude comments, I'm looking for help.

 

[Julesillini8]

I have never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I have no judgement as I understand it is EXTREMELY ADDICTIVE AND DIFFICULT to quit.
Be proud that you have finally come to the realization that it is time to quit. Lying and hiding it would be easier, but for baby the difficulty you have ahead of you quitting will be worth it.
I don't have any advise, as I have no clue what to say, but wanted to offer support and encouragement! Have you talked to your doctor about it? I know it is hard to admit how much you have been smoking, but they also should have no judgement and may be best at aiding you while you are cutting down and eventually quitting completely.
Best wishes!

 

[BostonGal]

You made a really big step today in being honest with yourself and your husband about how serious your addiction is. Good for you. Now you have to make a concrete plan to make sure that you quit. Your first step might be to see your doctor as quickly as possible and make a plan with them. There are so many different ways to go about quitting and your doctor can help you learn about the best options for you. You then need to share that plan with your husband and be totally committed to following it. It is so important that you quit. The damage from smoking is reduced and sometimes even reversed after people quit. That's why you can't just decide that the damage has already been done and keep going on as usual. You have the power to fix this! I also came across this ressource which suggest that the fetus is most vulnerable after the 1st trimester. So now is the best time for you to act.

There are online and RL support groups for quitting smoking and you might find lots of help from them. Being able to talk to others who are going through the same can be so helpful.

 

[Dani_Ldn]

Good on you for realising it by yourself!

Can you make an appointment with your doctor to find out safe ways to help you quit while you are pregnant?

 

[Bella1185]

Hey no stress for you, missy! It's not good for the baby you have made a wonderful stride just admitting youre addicted. There is NO SHAME to be had in that! Call your doctor or midwife and just tell them you want more information about trying to quit. Seriously there are soooo many programs and free health system help options that I know you can find the resources you need. UTILIZE THE PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! it's there for a reason! Your baby is fine - just get hooked up with the right resources and you can do this! You are not the first to go through this and you won't be the last! Now go kick ass!! Go you! :hugs;

 

[THart]

I would talk to a doctor for some advice on how to help with the withdrawal symptoms cause I would imagine they will be tough.

The fact that you are choosing to give it up says a lot about your desire to quit, and it displays that you are ready.

You can so this

 

[kiwilove]

Thank you all so much!!!
I plan on quitting tomorrow. My husband is taking me to the camp with his father to hunt. Of course I will sit in the camp and knit while they hunt...but I know I will make it through tomorrow without one because I will have no way in getting them. My husband has my debit card so I cant buy them and I have no credit cards, plus being stuck at the camp far into the woods. My husband has the next 4 days off and I know he will keep me in line. I feel like once I get past the first couple of days then I will be good. I could talk with a doctor for help, but by the time I get in touch with one I would have quit for a week or two...so probably wouldnt help much then. I plan on coming here for support also and staying away from all people who smoke, including family and friends. Thanks again so much for your support, it really means a lot.

 

[MeaganMackenz]

I don't smoke, but I am on sleeping medication. I shutter to admit, I can't sleep without it. I feel guilty that I have to keep taking it, and that I can't go through the first trimester taking nothing like recommended. It was a hard and long decision, and thankfully I am on a medication that, if you're going to take something, is the safest. I know guilt, I can't quit my guilt and I wish you the best in quitting. I know it's terribly difficult, and if you can you'll have a better you and life for your family. You can do it!! Xox good luck, you're doing the best you can which is all we can ever do

 

[Insomniash]

Hey Kiwi,

I was smoking too about a pack a day when I found out, but I quit instantly. I think right now you are more scared of the what if I quit than you are of the reality. I had some anxiety about it at first, but I personally could not live with how guilty it would make me feel to continue. The first couple days were a bit rough, because the habitual cravings are the hardest to dismiss. Those places and times when you just always had a cigarette, but I have just been reminding myself why I quit. Picture holding a lit cigarette to a baby's mouth and forcing it to smoke it if you need to, it seems silly but that is the reality of smoking while pregnant. I found out a week ago today and I haven't had a cigarette since, and I have generally speaking had a couple cravings daily. Today is the first day I haven't had any until now, typing this was hard, but I want to help and let you know it can be done and you will be fine. In reality it really isn't as hard as you think it will be you just need to commit to the first step, quitting. Then you just take it day by day, and bring out your stubborn side! You can do this!

 

[Breeelizabeth]

I know how you feel, I'm nearly 27 weeks and I'm still smoking. I feel terrible about it but despite all my efforts I just can't shake the habit. Seeing as the only way to do it when you're pregnant is cold turkey it makes it so much harder. It also doesn't help when everyone in my family and home is a pack a day smoker. My doctor isn't too concerned about my inability to quit, and even told me that cutting down does more damage to my lungs as when you cut down you suck the smoke in harder.
Talk to whoever is looking after you. They can help you find services that help expectant mums quit.
I know it's selfish of me to smoke, but I have a healthy bubba in there, and the midwives and doctors agree that in my circumstance smoking will do less damage than not smoking (anxiety and mental health issues).
Good luck hun. I know you can do it

 

[Lisa2701]

As others have said I'd speak to a doctor and ask for help. I am incredibly ashamed to admit it but I smoked my entire pregnancy with my DS (about 10 a day) who is now almost 10. I was 18 when I fell pregnant with him and the REAL reality of it all, about the life and the possible damage done to him really didn't hit me until I had him home, not just in my arms but home where we were alone. Although i was excited about being pregnant and I certainly knew what it meant and done all the reading etc it was still very surreal to me. I feel guilty about smoking during his pregnancy to this very day! My son was diagnosed with autism at 4 and I instantly blamed my smoking, the doctor reassured me that it was not the case and it turns out that several close family member on my husbands side have autism/ADHD so it appears to be genetic for us. This time round I swore I'd quite before getting pregnant, I quite 5 years ago now, was tough as I was VERY addicted and a 20 a day smoker by that point, I found the Nicolette Inhailor reallllly helped me get over the worst of it, tried the patches and the gum but I personally needed to be able to feel like I was holding/in hailing something and I only needed it for two weeks then I was able to go it alone. Maybe worth looking at something like that? Or one of those e-cigs but just having a fruit flavoured thing instead of one with nicotine? My friends got one but he doesn't smoke at all, just likes the fruit flavoured things. That might help with the missing of Inhailing/holding something? Good luck honey, I'm glad you've had your reality check so quickly, I'm sure you'll get there in the end

 

[kiwilove]

Thanks ladies!!!
I do have an e-cig, but am not willing to risk it...they are new with no research on taking it when pregnant. I thought ya it has to be better then smoking, but really i dont know that. I think the only successful way I will be able to quit is cold turkey. Cutting down was not easy for me..I found I smoked the same amount. I dont want NRT if I dont have too. I will try this cold turkey first and see how it goes. If it comes down to feeling like I am about to lit up, then I will just have a piece of nicotine gum, but am hoping I dont need to do that.
So far today is smoke free

 

[mod19]

Big step! Congrats! I quit years ago. Way before starting TTC basically to make my parents happy, but I'm glad I did. I did use the nicorette gum. I used two big packs and I was done. Since then I can count the number of cigarettes I've had on one hand (usually while drinking) but have had zero desire to start smoking again. My suggestion is to keep minty gum around at all times and something to chew on, like straws or carrots. When you have that urge to put something to your mouth instead if it being a CIG it can be a healthy snack for baby . I ate A LOT of carrots and destroyed a ton if straws when quitting.

 

[kiwilove]

Thanks for the tips

 

[BabyCleo]

DF was a smoker for 14 years (and hes only 28) and he recently quit. He used a vaporizer (look into them) and that has helped him the most. He also had the gum, but it gave him hiccups lol so the stopped that but hes been smoke free for a while now.

Don't feel bad, its a very addicting habit, these things take time.

 

[katherinegrey]

I smoked quite a lot when I got pregnant with both babies, and I quit immediately when I found out. It was REALLY hard.
However, there is no amount of anxiety/mental disorder/ stress that will harm your baby as much as smoking. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. I have severe bipolar disorder, and I still managed to quit cold turkey for my babies. I also quit my medication as it was bad for the baby, but that's a whole other thing.
I found what really helped me was to give the money to my DH every day. Smoking is expensive, and seeing at the end of that hard first month all the money I'd saved really, really helped. I treated myself, and booked a private gender scan and bought some baby things just with one months quitting money. It felt good knowing that me stopping smoking was not only benefiting our health, but also benefiting me and the baby financially.
I still struggle now with cravings occasionally, so I know it's hard, but now I've gone so long I don't want to break my streak so to speak, so that helps keep me away thinking all my hard work so far will be for nothing.
Good luck, you CAN do it for your precious baby.

 

[MrsWhite]

Feeling guilty is not going to help your stress level. You have made a decision to be more healthy for yourself and your baby, and that is wonderful! Focus on the positive, and not the negative of your past mistakes. I think some important steps in quitting is first recognizing that it is going to be difficult, you probably will have setbacks, and realizing that a setback does not mean you have failed and does not give you permission to give up and go back to old ways. Another big thing is recognizing your triggers and HAVING A PLAN for those triggers. For instance, if you are someone who needs something in your mouth, try chewing gum and snacking (what better time to do the extra snacking that comes with quitting smoking than when you are pregnant! If you are stressed and just need a break, try going for a walk, since a lot of smokers use that as a chance to get out and get "fresh air", a walk could be a good substitute. Ask a friend who you trust and will be supportive to be on standby when you really are itching, so that you can call them and use them for support and to remind you at your weakest why you are doing this. Keep an ultrasound photo in your purse where cigarettes normally would be (or if you haven't been able to take the step of not carrying them with you, tape it to the pack). Talk to your doctor about any safe options for assistance quitting while pregnant (I don't know if nicotine gum or patches are safe in pregnancy, but they may be ok, you never know until you ask). Take all the support you can get, and don't be secretive about it. You have made a good decision and it is hard to quit; being dishonest won't help you, you just need to find someone you can trust not to judge you to help be your support. It can even be the girls on this forum! Let us know how it goes!

P.S. I would strongly discourage the use of e-cigs as a quitting substitute because they are not regulated, and we do not yet know the effects of them on adults much less babies. I honestly am not sure that e-cigs are any better than cigarettes at all, but we just don't know for sure. I would err on the side of caution with those! There are other ways.

 

[kiwilove]

Hey ladies, keep the tips coming...its giving me thing to think about. So far still a smoke free day!!! I'm doing just fine, had two strong cravings but I breathed through them and tried so hard to think of something else, I felt the anxiety start to kick in and it scared me so thinking of something else has helped

 

[Catiren]

i know many women, including my brother's wife (girlfriend at the time of pregnancy) was a huge smoker. she quit with her second child as soon as she found out. the baby was a surprise and not planned at all. she's also religious so maybe that type of mindset helped her to break free from her addiction. she hasnt smoked at all since either. but many women do it for the health and sake of their baby.

im around smokers all the time and my midwife told me that second hand and third hand smoke is just as dangerous as smoking yourself. sometimes i get a nasty whiff and i run away. i get a whiff of smoke everyday because my mom smokes, my boyfriend's mom and his older brother both smoke.

sorry i went off topic a bit but i do encourage you to try quitting at least one time no matter how much faith in yourself you have when you do it. being nervous is expected ofcourse. good luck!

 

[mychelle4]

Hi kiwilove! First I want to say you are far from along. I also smoked durring my first pregnancy. I however smoked the entire pregnancy! Thank goodness she was born healthy. When I look back now I can't believe I actually allowed my own desires to outweigh my baby's needs.

I have since quite smoking, and the one thing I can honestly say about my own experience is that I was only able to quit when I decided mentally it was what I truly WANTED. I didn't use anything except my own will power. The key was convincing myself that I wasn't actually giving anything up. I know that sounds weird, but it's kind of like dieting. If you tell yourself you can't have something, eventually all you are going to want is that thing you can't have. Before long it will be the only thing you can think about, which will lead to the inevitable collapse of all will power. To conquer that mountain, I told myself that I could have a cigarette anytime I wanted one. I kept my half empty pack sitting right where I could get to them if the need should strike. However whenever I got a craving I asked myself why I wanted the smoke at all. I started training my brain to think of them as a cancer rather than a treat. They provided nothing beneficial to me, in fact all they did was hurt me. I know it seems odd, but by telling myself this over and over every time I got the urge to smoke (and yes the first couple of weeks were awful) it eventually sunk in that I really was doing myself a favor by not smoking. By making it a choice of my own doing instead of a punishment of sorts, it made it easier to control the urge. I'm not going to say it was easy. God I've given birth, and I honestly think quitting smoking was much more difficult. There were days that I shook like a leaf and sobbed because I was suffering from withdraw so bad, but I kept telling myself that it would get better, and eventually it did.

It's been five years since I quit smoking, and I still have that half a pack sitting quietly tucked away in a desk drawer. I wish you all the luck in the world with this. I know it's one of the hardest things you will ever do. Just remember, you are stronger than this! You can quit!