Feeling guilty not having told employer?

[MrsW89]

Hey everyone,

So I'm in the amazing position of just having had our 12 week scan and baby is growing well and was moving around all over the place. My husband and I are absolutely delighted - this is a very much wanted baby!

However, I'm yet to tell my work and since we are short-staffed I don't think my news is going to be appreciated.. I am going to tell them on Friday when I have a review with my manager already booked. However, my boss has just come in and asked me if I was happy to go overseas in November (it's been on the agenda for a while, he was just checking in). Being in the office and unprepared, I said yes :S I just wasn't prepared to have the conversation now, at least not so openly in the office.

I feel very guilty, almost deceitful. I am so excited about this baby (due 9th Aug!) and plan to take a years maternity leave. Is anyone else struggling to break the news? Does anyone else feel like they're lying when plans come up?

Any experiences or advice much appreciated!

 

[Mrsmac02]

Congratulations MrsW, hope you're feeling well.

Are you in the UK? If so, you're not obliged to tell your employer until you're 24w and the law protects you from discrimation (pregnant women are considered a 'protected characteristic' under equality law) so they can't do anything to discriminate against you. Of course, doesn't stop bosses from being a-holes initially but at least you're protected!

Having said that, given that your boss is scoping out a trip abroad for you which will involve booking a flight or whatever, might be wise to tell him/her sooner rather than later so they can make alternative arrangements.

Appreciate its daunting tell work - I haven't done it yet due to previous losses and there being some inter-team politics! But I will inform my line manager and HR soon as I know the process of getting someone in for mat cover is drawn out and painful!

 

[awnmyown]

I've had the same struggle. Even with really bad MS that sent me to the hospital, I really didn't want to let him know too early. As much as laws protect against discrimination and such, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I know my boss suggested a trip when I'll be 7 months and I had this feeling if he knew I'd be headed off on mat leave shortly after I'd likely be passed over. I held out as long as possible from telling him, but eventually got so sick that I broke down just so I could catch a break. The tough part was that I think he would have understood even if he wouldn't have been happy, but I looked a little "sketch" for hiding it. In the end, there's no best answer. I'd stick to the review plan, and just let him know that he caught you with the travel question at a time when you couldn't be openly honest due to the situation.

I think the best thing I heard from my boss when I finally told him was "It's not like I didn't think we might come to this point eventually, when I hired you." I guess it just reminded me that no manager hires a young female staffer without knowing at some point she might need to focus on family. It almost made me feel a bit like "Hey, he hired me anyway." Guess I'm worth the year of mat leave

 

[_jellybean_]

Um...has he gotten your plane ticket? I'd let him know asap.

 

[MrsW89]

Thanks for all the words of advice everyone, it's really much appreciated. Always good to hear how everyone else is getting on - my partner and I are British and live in Sydney so no family to mull things over with, or friends with babies!

He hasn't booked the tickets yet, Jellybean, and won't for months yet. Just difficult to have completely different plans in my head! Roll on Friday, sure will feel better having it all in the open!

 

[Mrsmac02]

Not sure about the law in Aus but hope your boss is understanding!

I have my 12w scan Friday and can't wait to tell my team, is been so hard to keep quiet because I've been feeling so rotten! X

 

[1nceUponATime]

I'm only 11 weeks but i don't plan on telling until "sometime" after 14 weeks minimum. I think I would hide it forever if I could lol. I was interning there and I just came on full time and I suppose I feel guilty I'll be taking some time off, albeit i can only take 12 unpaid weeks. For some reason I feel guilty telling them even though I'm married and struggled through fertility treatments trying to get pregnant. But I do feel like I'm lying to them every day not saying something. But oh well, I'm not comfortable telling them yet. i think your employer will be understanding and happy, as will mine. I think it's mostly us that are worried haha

 

[InVivoVeritas]

I didn't intend to tell for a while yet as we're in upheaval at the moment and there are a lot of things going on in the team. However I started to bleed in work on Monday so I had to fess up and take the week off.

My boss was amazing (I knew he would be), but it just makes me feel even more guilty for bailing out when he's counting on me to hold things together.

Still, baby comes first. I just wish I'd been able to hold off on telling until this short-term upheaval was behind us.