Feeling Horrifically Guilty and Depressed

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - Second Trimester' started by FitzBaby, Dec 15, 2009.

  1. FitzBaby

    FitzBaby Me, Hubby,& Toddler

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    HI Ladies,

    So I don't know about you but I've been struggling with the hormones very badly. Crying ALL the time. ANd I feel so guilty. THis pregnancy was not planned and I am just not enjoying being pregnant. I feel so guilty about this. Like something is wrong with me. Where is my motherly instinct? I thought I'd start to get excited by now but I just grow increasing disgusted wiht my body.

    I used to have an eating disorder for quite some time and always knew the weight gain would be an issue when I conceived. Having not been ready for being pregnant I don't think I prepared myself. I just feel so horrific for not being excited about our baby that it just makes me more depressed.

    Last night I had a melt down. Hysterically crying that I don't want to be pregnant (terminating is not and never was an option for us). I was complaining how huge and fat I feel (I've gained 30lbs already!!) and poor DH tried to comfort me by telling me I'm not fat, I'm pregnant and that just angered me. I screamed through my tears and he waited for me to fall asleep before coming to bed.

    We are both 27, have good jobs, and can definitly financially handle a baby. Which just adds on to the guilt. I have my Master's degree and it was always in the plans I would be a stay at home mom when this happened and now I feel like I have this education for no reason. I feel like such a horrific person. I read how people have longed for a child, tried for so long, have gone through so much and here I am being so selfish.

    Sorry to rant. Just not doing so hot here.
    Will I ever get the motherly instinct?
     
  2. Mosey

    Mosey Well-Known Member

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    First of all, regarding work, you can TOTALLY go back to work and have a career if that's what you decide. Even if you stay home for a little while.

    Secondly regarding the depression, the hormones may be responsible to a degree, but it sounds like the pregnancy is dredging up some old feelings. Luckily, depression is the most treatable (and common) of mental health issues. I would definitely recommend talking to a therapist and also your OBGYN.

    I had lots of depression the first trimester and my OBGYN recommended I go on an anti-anxiety/depressant IMMEDIATELY.

    She was saying that pregnancy just exacerbates these feelings which can lead to feelings of harming yourself or the baby. Yikes. She convinced me. I can't tell you what a relief it has been.
     
  3. Junebug_CJ

    Junebug_CJ Maman to Zoë and Zach

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    Hi FitzBaby, I can totally sympathize, the only difference is that ours was planned... Otherwise I've been struggling for years with an eating disorder and depression. I am having a REALLY hard time with the weight gain: I am a smart educated woman that recognizes it's a normal part of pregnancy, but that little anorexic voice inside of me is FREAKING out :-( I know it's not healthy, but my body image issues are definitely making me feel ugly and fat now. I have been referred to a social worker and a psychiatrist to help me deal with all of this. While I have been controlling the depression for years with just exercise, I think I may need to start meds to prevent me from spiraling downwards. I just wanted you to know you're not alone... :hugs:
    CJ
     
  4. im_mi

    im_mi Crunchy mama!

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    honey i completely understand how you feel. i felt this way throughout my pregnancy, even though it was planned (and i have an eating disorder too)

    all i can say is that it does get easier. Not straight away, well it didnt for me, but it really does improve with time. Just make sure you have loads of support all around you ok? xxx
     
  5. better2gether

    better2gether Ladybug's Mommy!

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    Know you are not alone! Reading your post made me feel like I was reading about myself. :hugs: Do you plan on talking to your doctor or a therapist? I have been feeling so anxious, stressed, and depressed... Think I might do the same.
     
  6. lamplighter

    lamplighter Well-Known Member

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    I agree that it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about starting you on an antidepressant. It can be really important to either talk through these things or to have some help medically because when the baby is born, your risk for post-partum depression is so much higher if you are prone to depression already.

    I too struggle with the fear that my body will never be the same after pregnancy. I worked professionally as a lingerie model when I was younger and have always felt 'valued' for my body. I know it's unhealthy to worry about putting on a few pounds in the long run, but still that part of me that is insecure feels absolutely terrified of losing something that has garnered me feelings of self-worth in the past. I can relate to struggling with eating disorders/issues; it has been so hard for me throughout my pregnancy so far to eat well and to eat enough. Looking at myself hurts sometimes, even though I haven't gained too much weight yet. But you will not regret your baby when he/she is here, and remembering that is keeping me sane.

    Don't beat yourself up with feelings of guilt. You are not a bad person. You're just struggling with difficult feelings, and I hope your doctor can help you find some assistance in coping with them.
     
  7. lilhoppy86

    lilhoppy86 Well-Known Member

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    Hi Honey, you are definately not alone. I also suffer from an eating disorder and find the weight gain really hard to deal with. :hugs:

    Also for all you lady's that have also have eating disorders I just wanted to let you know there is a thread on here (i am not sure how to post a link) but the name of the thread is ~ Anorexia, Bulimia & Eating Disorder Support Thread ~ ( 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page) and it is in the health and wellbeing section. Just incase anyone needs any extra support. :thumbup:
     

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