Feeling let down by birth experience

Discussion in 'Postnatal Support' started by LJaydow, Apr 5, 2011.

  1. LJaydow

    LJaydow Jack, Elizabeth

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    Hello ladies,

    I gave birth last monday to Jack, but it didnt go at all according to plan. I got to the hospital at 4cm, after waking up to contractions 7 minutes apart, within a couple of hours I was moved to labour and delivery and was 6cms, and very quickly the pain went from bearable to unbearable. I had an epidural and within about 3 hours i was 9cm. My waters were left intact until i was 9.5cm. When I was finally 10cm, after the midwife virtually pushed my cervix open I could start to push. My epidural had worn off and they said baby would be here by the time the epidural had taken effect. I pushed for an hour and he did not even crown, and a Dr came in and said they would have to deliver him by ventouse as his heart rate was going up to 180. The contractions had slowed down hugely, and after they had cut me and attached the cup there was a delay of many minutes for the next contraction. After he was born he was put on my chest and taken away about 15 minutes later. Once the placenta came out, I hemmorhaged and lost 5 pints of blood in about 8 minutes. There were alarms going off, and my OH counted 25 people in the room putting masks on and running up the corridoor. I could hear the blood hitting the floor and the look on the drs faces as they were trying to stop the blood and i kept asking if i was dying because i was so dizzy and everything went very hazy and no one reassured me that I would be ok. I understand that they couldnt guarantee it, but i was so so scared and looking at everyones faces and the rush of things did nothing to help. I was taken straight down to theatre and a Dr put her hand inside my womb to make sure nothing was retained and i hadnt torn etc and stitched me up. They told me how much he weighed when i was laying on the table. I was in recovery for 6 hours incase something happened and I needed to go back in. OH came down from neo natal as baby was taken there because i had a fever and he had one too, and told me he had fed him and how much he weighed.

    I couldnt feed him, i couldnt change him or pick him up. For the next 2 nights i needed a midwife with me the whole time to look after him and do 15 minute observations on me. I had to have a blood transfusion and was kept in for 4 days.

    I am so very grateful for what they did for me, but i cant help but feel so let down and utterly terrified by it all. I still panic about the PP bleeding now if i can feel it because i think it is all going to happen again. I didnt think my birth would go exactly according to plan but i never expected to not be the one to give my baby his first feed, or cuddle or change his first nappy and i feel so robbed.

    OH thinks that I have PND depression because i keep getting so upset by it, but i just feel like i have let my baby down and i feel like mentally im scarred by it all.

    I know in time it will probably fade into the background but for the moment it is raw and i just keep looking back wondering why it all went so wrong and whether it will go like that again with any future children, if OH wants anymore after seeing that. My parents were outside waiting and saw the lights flashing and people running into my room and they wernt allowed to see me until the next day because of risk of infection and OH spent a large amount of time with baby.

    How can I get over this? He is a week old now and I dont want to keep living in the past but I cant stop thinking about it and im concerned it will impact on what kind of mother i am because i keep getting upset :(
     
  2. EmmaM2

    EmmaM2 new mummy

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    I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience. It sounds as though you may be suffering from some post trauma reactions following your birth and you may need some additional support. Its normal to feel a whole wirlwind of emotions at this time but if it is really troubling you (which it sounds like it is) I would try and find somebody to talk to about this. This type of thing is becoming more and more common so please don't feel you are alone and this does not impact on the kind of mum you are at all. Most G.P's have counsellors but you would have to wait to see them. Are you a member of the NCT? they have a shared experiences helpline that i hear is really good at providing support etc. Could you talk to your midwife/health visitor about some options. I hope things start to feel better soon. x
     
  3. lozzy21

    lozzy21 Mummy to Niamh

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    :hugs: What is it when men thinking we have PND because we cry after having a baby :dohh: sorry but that bugs me (my OH did it too)

    You need to speek to your midwife or HV about some counselling, the sooner the better hun. Your hormones will still be all over the place making you weepy. If you dont deal with the issues now as time goes on you will learn to cope better but with out help they wont go away
     
  4. Lui246

    Lui246 Well-Known Member

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    My birth was no where near as bad as yours but it didn't go plan at all as i ended up needing forceps and having a huge episiotomy which resulted in me also missing out on those first moments with Chloe. It realy effected me to begin with i felt guilty and like it was my fault it didn't go right and i felt robbed of the perfect birth that some lucky women get, i never thought i would get past it but after about 5 weeks once i was feeling almost back to normal, my cut had healed and i could do everything myself for Chloe i felt better about it, i'l never be happy about my birth experience but now when i think about it i feel grateful for having a healthy baby rather than angry and upset, so what im trying to say is it does get better and maybe speaking to your HV might help you also. Hope you feel better soon:flower:x x
     
  5. Nervous_1

    Nervous_1 Well-Known Member

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    In my area you can have a meeting with your midwife and go through your notes and discuss how you feel about your birth experience. If it's available where you are then maybe request one so that you can get a bit of closure.

    Also, try not to worry about being a bad mum - you're not! Crying and feeling this way is totally normal what with all the extra hormones flying about :) :hugs:
     
  6. Cloberella

    Cloberella Mummy to Gabriel

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    I had a nasty birth too, and my baby was taken away after delivery as well. If you ever want to PM me and talk to someone who knows how you feel; feel free.
     
  7. zoe87

    zoe87 Im a new mammy!

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    im so sorry you had such an awful experiance, i can relate to you in away as i heamorraged to. My labour in total was 3 and half hours with only gas and air. and after i had hollie 5 people rushed into the room, my baby was checked and handed over to my partner while they were trying to find where my bleeding was coming from. There was blood all over the floor and i heard the midwifes whispering that i would need to be transferd for a blood transfusion. Luckily the bledding slowed down and i was given an injection which stopped the bleeding. I was told i lost 700muil of blood, i dont know how much this was.

    All i can say to you is rest as much as possible and dont do anything to strenous, after 4 days of having hollie i walked round tesco doing my shopping and all of sudden had a massive gush of blood turned out I had Post patrum heamorraging too.
    Concentrate on ur lil baby i felt exactly the same to but it does pass keep yourself busy with ur lil one and enjoy him :D oh and congratulations!
     
  8. Aunty E

    Aunty E Mummy to Mog and Teddy

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    In terms of second births, my first baby was born by forceps and ventouse after hours and hours of pushing and spent the first twelve hours in SCBU away from me. My second practically dropped out, and was a wonderful experience.
     
  9. riohound

    riohound Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear that you had such a traumatic event. I think it would benefit you to have a debriefing session to go over what happened and why which will help you to put things into persepective. Ask your community midwife if your labour ward offers that kind of service. Congratulations on becoming a mummyxx
     

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