feeling like the world is against me..(rant sorry!)

[doc123]

I've been trying to have pma like you wouldnt believe.. and been hoping to maybe get a lucky bfp this cycle after 3rd mc...but the witch got me and it wasnt meant to be. I've been so angry about being abandoned by friends, stressed and run down but trying to keep a smiling face and trying to carry on as normal.. but with coming I feel about as low as a person can feel...

I'm fed up with my job right now, i literally havent seen more than 2 people since the mc and i have no social life...i want to change my life substantially and try to make things better for me and hubby.. and i want to get more out of what i'm doing because frankly i'm just miserable!!!!!!!

I feel cheated to have even thought i might get a bfp.. how dare i even hope for it!!! It feels like its all just too out of reach right now... i've tried thinking positively but its getting more and more painful everyday to try to do that and my strength and resolve to stay positive jsut becomes more and more drained and its getting harder and harder and harder...

I cant bare to try again....its just too painful to hope.. i thought the only thing i had left was hope but after the last month hope for me is proving a dangerous thing as i know long term i cant face disappointment like this again month after month...
i dont know how long term ttc's manage it!!! I've had enough of wishing for something... i dont want to wish and hope for it all again...i'd rather not hope and seriously considering just not ttc at all now for some time....

I want to shoot most of the family and friends who feel they have the right to tell us what to do and how to do it....

I want a simple life...and mostly right now to be left alone to get on with making some positive changes so i feel more positive about my life and that my energy is redirected and boosted not drained.. and my job is just taking too much out of me and preventing me from doing that...

I'm stopping the counting, and stopping the posting, i'm stoping the reading of threads and starting of new ones, i need a new life and a clean slate...how i do that i just dont know.. but i think it starts with leaving the idea of babies and moving on...its always there to come back to maybe in the future...maybe for us all this is maybe not the way. I'm praying on it.. i guess there are answers somewhere...

 

[moomoo]

Aw hun your post made me have a few tears im feeling the same at the moment, clinging onto hope of to get me through the grief..its working so far, but i cant even imagine how disapointed you were when the arrived..dam her!!

Maybe you could carry on trying? It might give you some comfort knowing you have a goal to achieve...i know my life would seem empty if i wasnt trying.

Hope your okay, so so sorry for your loss xx

 

[tillymum]

Sorry to hear your showed her ugly face today.

It's crap I agree and it's good to have a rant or scream, life has a way of playing the cruel cards when you least need them.

I think you still have some PMA left if you are thinking of getting a new job, my policy on work is if it makes you miserable and it's affecting your life - just quit because your personal life is no.1 and your job is no. 2 in the list of priorities. I'm a job kangaroo 2 years and I start jumping, so go for it girl get your cv out and it's the first step to making a positive change in your life.

Don't loose hope in having a baby, take a break from ttc if needed but never loose hope, because without hope it's easy to become defeated and we all need hope to plan and dream.

wishing that tons of luck will come your way

 

[honey08]

i know how u feel hun...every time af gets my im so emotionally,start thinking "is it really worth it" feeling run down,but thats cos of af aswell n wot it does to our bodies hun, another few days when its gone hopefully u will have the will 2try again,as for ur social life,im a little same,no friends(true friends) but it has got better,weve joined mecca bingo and i WILL get round2joinin the gym,meet loads there! garys says2me " no1 guna knock on door n say c'mon we'll be ur friends" lol and hes right u after go n find them!! hope u feel better asap, and uv always got the bnb girls

 

[Kevsgal]

No job is worth making yourself miserable hun, especially as there's something else in your life doing that already.
Personally, I think you should start looking for something better and try to stay positive. I've just quit my job after my m/c last week and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Focus on every little thing that's happened lately that you could consider to be even the slightest bit lucky and hopefully, more luck will follow.
(Well, that's almost always worked for me anyhow)

Good luck hun xxx

 

[doc123]

thanks guys... i hate being the one delivering the babies instead of having my own.. i'm managing to get through work but the enjoyment just isnt there.. i change jobs anyway in a week and a half so it should improve and move out of maternity-its just finding the energy to try to approach the new job i'm finding difficult but long term i want to do something different- i find medicine really difficult to balance with my own emotions- i'm sure the ideal role is out there but i've yet to find it...

ttc again? its too much for me so think will step out for a while at least...maybe by not ttc it might happen...

know there are loads of us out there going through this everyday...its a huge struggle to manage everything at the same time and your emotions are so close to the surface at all times- i feel like i will break with the littlest thing...

as for friends i've had to ditch a load as they are absolutely rubbish....but they arent worht it anyway. we got married 6 months ago and i really thought all our friends who were there would be good friends for a long time... takes something like this to see that they arent good mates at all......


fingers crossed for everyone for bfps all round asap....

 

[JASMAK]

 

[buffycat]

hey Doc.....am sorry that things have kinda come to head......you have been doing so well with the pma as well.

getting things in order is a good idea though, it helps to sometimes concentrate your energies on something else too. But you are so right about friends, when things get tough you really do know who your friends are.....some don't understand at all, and others don't even know the meaning of friendship at all.

take care though....

here if you want to pm too......

 

[cerilou]

Hi sweetheart

You have had a miserable time of it and understandably PMA is at an all time low.

You need to do whatever makes you happy right now and if changing jobs is a step in the right direction, then go for it. There is nothing wrong in having hope and I truly hope that there will be a time in the very near future where you feel able to start again.

We will all be here for you offering whatever support we can.

Sending you big

xxxx