I put my Christmas tree up the other night and just sat there for ages thinking I should have my little boy with me, he would have been 5 months old now, I wonder what he would look like, I read up on what milestone's he would have been coming up to, I look at presents in the shops thinking what would I have bought for him - I miss him so much and wish things had been different. I am 5 days away in this preg from the date I lost Ryan, I'm a bag of nerves, even dreamt I lost this one last night and it was so vivid. Life feels so unfair sometimes, I know I am lucky to have this little one I am carrying but as horrible as it may sound I want it to be Ryan, all I want is my little boy back! I feel really guilty for saying that. I really never expected to feel like this 10 months later!