Feeling pissed and Cheated!

[KimmieHawkins]

I'll try to make it brief. Well, my SIL has been TTC for 6 years with no luck. I have supported her in every way I could. Even at one point volunteering to be a surrogate for her.

Well, we are now expecting our 3rd and final child. By the grace and mercy of God we have had no problems with TTC (typically in the first cycle) and no miscarriages(knock on wood).

My MIL informed me today that we should bypass a baby shower and making a "big deal" over our baby because its not fair to my SIL that I have had 3 kids in 5 years. A part of me feels cruel for not seeing how I should be cheated my pregnancy experience just because she has been having trouble. I just don't know what to do. my pregnant lady emotions are showing.

please be blunt...Am I being Selfish? Should I not have a shower?

 

[Nibblenic]

If you had a shower with your first two, I dont see why not.

Yes be sensitive to her but you shouldnt miss out, i sure she wouldnt want you to

 

[wonderstruck]

I always thought people only had baby showers for their first.

 

[KimmieHawkins]

I always thought people only had baby showers for their first.

I've heard that before but down here we have one for every child. But with the first you get high tag items like crib etc....after the 1st its typically just like a diaper party and just more so celebrating the new life that is expecting to join the ranks.

I personally don't care about getting gifts just want to enjoy the moment of celebration and excitement with everyone, gender reveal, and just being the center of attention.

 

[Mrs W 11]

It's such a difficult situation. I guess your mil just knows how devastated your sil at her own situation and wants to protect her. But of course you should not feel bad that you haven't had issues.

When I was pregnant with my dd who we conceived with no issues, I was warned to be sensitive to my sil as she couldn't conceive and I felt a bit sorry for myself, she wasn't very friendly towards me while I was pregnant, avoided me and I was upset after all it wasn't my fault I was pregnant. Fast forward 2 years and after a mmc I discovered I also had fertility issues. In the meantime my sil finally got pregnant and I couldn't and the shoe was well and truly on the other foot. I finally understand some of how she had felt after many failed Ivfs and fearing she would never be a mum.

My advice would be enjoy your pregnancy and if you want a shower then have one, don't hold back your joy because you feel bad for your sil but just be sent over towards her feelings as much as you can. Ask how she is and be open and honest about your pregnancy without overdoing it.

Not sure if that helps?!

 

[bunnyblonde]

don't let your mother in law dictate your pregnancy and your happiness. maybe sit down and have lunch with your sister in law and talk to her about how she's feeling, she may feel bad telling you how she really feels or you may find out your MIL is just being a pushy noisy B. this should be a time for you to enjoy and celebrate with your family and friends. Not only that but any showers are just as much for the baby as they are for the mom, I've heard of a lot of women holding off shopping until after the baby shower because they want to wait to see what they need till afterwards. Its like a baby 1st birthday party for the day of their birth. Especially if you think you're having a girl this time around. If you really have to just don't invite that side of the family. Most people don't even plan their own baby showers, they're surprises so you may not even have a choice. This is making me mad and its not even happening to me!! where will it end? oh can you not post pics of your baby on Facebook so she won't feel sad? oh can you not have a 1st birthday party so she won't feel sad. Its not like you haven't offered to help either, it might be different if you were rubbing it in her face or insensitive to her situation but that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like MIL is going to have a problem with everything that has to do with baby and that not your issue, she's protective of her daughter so i can understand where she's coming from, but i think theres a bigger issue than just having a baby shower. and honestly your sil may not even know this was said so you should talk with her and ask her how she's honestly feeling and how it would make her feel if you had a baby shower. If its that painful for them they don't need to go. No offense to her but she sounds like a crabby old lady and its making me so mad!! sorry i went a little crazy

 

[KimmieHawkins]

don't let your mother in law dictate your pregnancy and your happiness. maybe sit down and have lunch with your sister in law and talk to her about how she's feeling, she may feel bad telling you how she really feels or you may find out your MIL is just being a pushy noisy B. this should be a time for you to enjoy and celebrate with your family and friends. Not only that but any showers are just as much for the baby as they are for the mom, I've heard of a lot of women holding off shopping until after the baby shower because they want to wait to see what they need till afterwards. Its like a baby 1st birthday party for the day of their birth. Especially if you think you're having a girl this time around. If you really have to just don't invite that side of the family. Most people don't even plan their own baby showers, they're surprises so you may not even have a choice. This is making me mad and its not even happening to me!! where will it end? oh can you not post pics of your baby on Facebook so she won't feel sad? oh can you not have a 1st birthday party so she won't feel sad. Its not like you haven't offered to help either, it might be different if you were rubbing it in her face or insensitive to her situation but that doesn't sound like the case. It sounds like MIL is going to have a problem with everything that has to do with baby and that not your issue, she's protective of her daughter so i can understand where she's coming from, but i think theres a bigger issue than just having a baby shower. and honestly your sil may not even know this was said so you should talk with her and ask her how she's honestly feeling and how it would make her feel if you had a baby shower. If its that painful for them they don't need to go. No offense to her but she sounds like a crabby old lady and its making me so mad!! sorry i went a little crazy

THIS was my exact thoughts! its like at what point is the line drawn? should we also pretend like my baby doesn't exsist? idk I'm just so tired of being made to be the bad guy because we didn't stop TTC

 

[KimmieHawkins]

It's such a difficult situation. I guess your mil just knows how devastated your sil at her own situation and wants to protect her. But of course you should not feel bad that you haven't had issues.

When I was pregnant with my dd who we conceived with no issues, I was warned to be sensitive to my sil as she couldn't conceive and I felt a bit sorry for myself, she wasn't very friendly towards me while I was pregnant, avoided me and I was upset after all it wasn't my fault I was pregnant. Fast forward 2 years and after a mmc I discovered I also had fertility issues. In the meantime my sil finally got pregnant and I couldn't and the shoe was well and truly on the other foot. I finally understand some of how she had felt after many failed Ivfs and fearing she would never be a mum.

My advice would be enjoy your pregnancy and if you want a shower then have one, don't hold back your joy because you feel bad for your sil but just be sent over towards her feelings as much as you can. Ask how she is and be open and honest about your pregnancy without overdoing it.

Not sure if that helps?!

I'm going to make sure I monitor the amount of baby talk that goes on. I'm going to make sure she doesn't feel like we're rubbing it in her face

 

[bunnyblonde]

on a side note, baby showers can really cut down on the costs for the 1st few month a lot. I've gone to baby showers for women I'm not even close with and have gotten them over 100$ in gifts. baby showers aren't just acute fun thing, they're basically a financial investment, does your MIL want to cover the cost of everything you would've gotten if you'd had a baby shower? probably not. even if its just diapers, that cuts down on how many trips you'll have to make to the store with a newborn. the whole thing is making me so mad. please feel as cheated as you wish to feel

 

[bunnyblonde]

exactly!! where will the line be? yea its hurtful towards you now, but think about once baby is here, next year it could be can you not send out christmas cards with the baby on them. don't let your child have less than just because someone else can't conceive. millions of women get pregnant and give birth every day, you just happen to be one of them, there are also millions of women not getting pregnant every day. yea its more in her face because you're family but its not like you pretending you're not pregnant will stop all pregnancy or will change her situation. You just need to focus on whats best for your child

 

[Holliems]

I think your mom in law is just trying to protect her daughters feelings. When our children hurt, we hurt and we do whatever we can to make the hurt less.

I don't think you shouldn't have a shower. Celebrate! Your sil is going to be sad either way. But also realize where your mil is coming from.

 

[Nadja86]

If you were to not have a baby shower and celebrate your pregnancy how you want, you would only be sheltering your sister-in-law from reality. Of course, it would be rude to be constantly be gloating about your children and your fertility to your sister-in-law, but that's not what's at issue here.

This might sound a bit cold, but how she deals with her own infertility is her problem. People around her will be having children, there's nothing she can do to stop that. And she's going to have to learn how to deal with reality. So I think you should do whatever you want.

 

[chichifab]

Having been in a situation where we couldn't conceive on our own and having a second baby from ivf, I know how it feels to struggle with conception. I don't think she wants you to take away the joy and excitement,i think a little sensitivity is all your mil is asking.

 

[Rhiannon137]

By all means, be sensitive to your SIL, but that doesn't mean you need to censor your own joy. It's not like your SIL hasn't been able to have children BECAUSE you have had multiple kids.

 

[xSweetTartx]

As others have said, by all means limit baby talk around your SIL but do not sacrifice your celebrations.

You have every right to celebrate this baby and I know that I would personally take a good financial blow without a good diaper raffle. Last time there was a 1st, 2nd and 3rd place prize for those who brought them. We didn't have to buy diapers until our son was almost 6 months old. It will be nice too as we will be having a girl this time so that'll help us stock up on pink things. Even if you have the same gender it's nice for the new baby to get their own things. It feels good to celebrate. Every baby is special.

 

[hellodarling]

So, I've struggled for 12 years to get pregnant, I've had one miscarriage and several chemicals and now diagnosed with ovarian failure. Can I just say, and I"m being blunt, that this is momentous for you and you deserve to be happy and celebrate. While it might be sad for others, there is zero reason why you need to stuff your joy. That's not an Ok expectation. Congrats mama... I applaud you for being sensitive to her needs but you can't let it steel your joy.

 

[MrsWhite]

Talk to your sister in law and see how she feels? IF she feels the same way your mother in law feels, just have a small one with your side of the family and your friends, leave the in-laws out of it if they want to rain on your parade. But I wouldn't assume she feels that way without talking to her. I definitely wouldn't be inviting my mother in law if she said that to me though. It is not fair to expect you to downplay your happiness just because of her; it sounds like you are pretty sensitive to her difficulty in conceiving. If she is a reasonable person she will be happy to celebrate with you as long as you aren't over the top in her face about it if you know what I mean. I don't think a baby shower is over the top.

 

[LoveIsAllINo]

I have fertility issues and couldn't dream of having any one of my pregnant friends or friends with children feel bad. I go home and cry on my pillow but don't ever expect someone to change around me..for my sake...no.

It was wonderful for you to offer to be her surrogate. Of course I feel bad for her, but you know, you have a life in you!

 

[Mrs W 11]

It's such a difficult situation. I guess your mil just knows how devastated your sil at her own situation and wants to protect her. But of course you should not feel bad that you haven't had issues.

When I was pregnant with my dd who we conceived with no issues, I was warned to be sensitive to my sil as she couldn't conceive and I felt a bit sorry for myself, she wasn't very friendly towards me while I was pregnant, avoided me and I was upset after all it wasn't my fault I was pregnant. Fast forward 2 years and after a mmc I discovered I also had fertility issues. In the meantime my sil finally got pregnant and I couldn't and the shoe was well and truly on the other foot. I finally understand some of how she had felt after many failed Ivfs and fearing she would never be a mum.

My advice would be enjoy your pregnancy and if you want a shower then have one, don't hold back your joy because you feel bad for your sil but just be sent over towards her feelings as much as you can. Ask how she is and be open and honest about your pregnancy without overdoing it.

Not sure if that helps?!

I'm going to make sure I monitor the amount of baby talk that goes on. I'm going to make sure she doesn't feel like we're rubbing it in her face

Sorry if my post annoyed you but you did ask for advice so I assumed both points of view might be helpful! You'd be surprised how many people are not sensitive at all and don't limit the baby talk.

 

[KimmieHawkins]

It's such a difficult situation. I guess your mil just knows how devastated your sil at her own situation and wants to protect her. But of course you should not feel bad that you haven't had issues.

When I was pregnant with my dd who we conceived with no issues, I was warned to be sensitive to my sil as she couldn't conceive and I felt a bit sorry for myself, she wasn't very friendly towards me while I was pregnant, avoided me and I was upset after all it wasn't my fault I was pregnant. Fast forward 2 years and after a mmc I discovered I also had fertility issues. In the meantime my sil finally got pregnant and I couldn't and the shoe was well and truly on the other foot. I finally understand some of how she had felt after many failed Ivfs and fearing she would never be a mum.

My advice would be enjoy your pregnancy and if you want a shower then have one, don't hold back your joy because you feel bad for your sil but just be sent over towards her feelings as much as you can. Ask how she is and be open and honest about your pregnancy without overdoing it.

Not sure if that helps?!

I'm going to make sure I monitor the amount of baby talk that goes on. I'm going to make sure she doesn't feel like we're rubbing it in her face

Sorry if my post annoyed you but you did ask for advice so I assumed both points of view might be helpful! You'd be surprised how many people are not sensitive at all and don't limit the baby talk.

NO! you didn't bother me at all! its nice to get opinions from the other view point. because honestly I can empathize but I truly don't know the pain of those issues so to hear from someone first hand makes me look at this situation differently.