Feeling pretty crappy about everything

[nightkd]

I'm pretty eager to start TTC with my boyfriend of almost a year and a half, as far as I see it if we started trying now, it might take a couple of months for me to conceive and then the 9 months on top of that. We're surely gonna have our own place by then and BF will be employed again. I'll have got my home business set up (which having a baby on the way will motivate me more to do..) but he's being completely off about the idea.

When we first started going out he said he wouldn't want kids, but he seemed to warm to the idea when he saw that not all kids were little brats (met my bro and sis 3 + 1) and decided he would want kids one day, maybe 2 or 3.

I've obviously been mentioning the idea to him as I'm getting pretty impatient because he keeps chopping and changing his mind. And suggested today maybe starting to try next july so we'd have an april baby, or at least spring/summer.. He completely got all negative about it, didn't even consider it or say maybe (even though he's been saying perhaps when we get our own place we could start trying-which'll be sooner).

I'm just getting fed up with him. He keeps making these comments about how 'if I were pregnant' he'd have to give me a 'home abortion' but he makes it much meaner than just saying that. He doesn't mean it, but it hurts. He's threatening me AND my potential baby/ies..

It's getting me down, the only thing I want to achieve workwise is to set up my home business, and so I'll be at home the whole time and can look after a baby. At the end of the day it's gonna be ME doing all the childcare, but he has these really set views on 'marriage before babies' or if I was pregnant he'd marry me. I don't WANT to marry him yet, maybe in a few years time, 5 or something, but I want to start a family NOW or within the next year/year and a half. The only thing stopping me from REALLY wanting to try is the fact we live with my mum, when we get our own place, why wait??!

I wouldn't mind if he said definately in a year, or two or something, but he just keeps chopping and changing.

(You might've seen my other thread where I'm still not sure if my negative was accurate, I'm pretty sure I'm NOT pregnant, just making extra certain..)

Anyway, rant over. Everything's just making me upset . I'm struggling to find a job, anxiety issues aren't helping that; I just think that a baby I could have NOW, I could just decide and have it (fingers crossed anyway). A part of my life I could actually control somewhat. I'm ready, OH says he'll stick by me but isn't ready-would surely just slot into the role of daddy when he knows a baby is on the way... It's so FRUSTRATING.

I just need some words of support or something. Any ideas on making him change his mind?

I obviously can't force him to want a baby now, but it's making me consider whether I want to be with him. We don't want the same thing and he makes sound like...well, if I got pregnant, even if he said he wanted it, that he's going to spoil my pregnancy with worries and general negativity. I'm one of those spur of the moment girlies "everything will work out in the end" and I like to keep my life MOVING. At the moment it's kinda getting boring and that makes me sad.

He's more question everything, "what if" think about trying to make things work rather than just letting them.

Go with the flow man!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I'm just getting fed up with him. He keeps making these comments about how 'if I were pregnant' he'd have to give me a 'home abortion' but he makes it much meaner than just saying that. He doesn't mean it, but it hurts. He's threatening me AND my potential baby/ies..

Yikes!!! I'm sorry he said that to you.



Kinda off topic-
I'm glad more and more women are starting their own businesses. I want to start one specifically so I can stay at home and watch babe. Either I start my own or find another online job. OH doesn't see the big deal about me wanting to stay home.

 

[nightkd]

I know, it really upset me. It's not just a one off either, and not just when I'm pestering..in fact never when I'm pestering, just sorta when we're discussing stuff he'll make comments about how he'll "have to punch my stomach to sort the problem out". He's not violent or anything, but these comments scare me and although he doesn't mean them he says them in a less than jovial tone. It pisses me off how insensitive he can be.

Yeah, I don't get on working with other people, I feel like they criticise my work when it's not fully done without giving me the opportunity to finish. I prefer being at home just getting on with stuff, without having to worry about bosses and how I'm making money for someone who doesn't even appreciate me.

That's what I'm trying to do, start doing articles and stuff like that, proof-reading and making my jewellery.

Working from home means you'll be a childminder for your baby that makes money instead of sapping it!!! Child care costs a pretty penny and you won't be paying for it, you'll be earning for it!!!

Edit: That sounded like an advert.. lol

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I know, it really upset me. It's not just a one off either, and not just when I'm pestering..in fact never when I'm pestering, just sorta when we're discussing stuff he'll make comments about how he'll "have to punch my stomach to sort the problem out". He's not violent or anything, but these comments scare me and although he doesn't mean them he says them in a less than jovial tone. It pisses me off how insensitive he can be.

lol

*jawdrops*

Id be really upset,too.
I dont know what it is with some guys. *shakes head*

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Yeah, I don't get on working with other people, I feel like they criticise my work when it's not fully done without giving me the opportunity to finish. I prefer being at home just getting on with stuff, without having to worry about bosses and how I'm making money for someone who doesn't even appreciate me.

That's what I'm trying to do, start doing articles and stuff like that, proof-reading and making my jewellery.

Working from home means you'll be a childminder for your baby that makes money instead of sapping it!!! Child care costs a pretty penny and you won't be paying for it, you'll be earning for it!!!

Edit: That sounded like an advert.. lol

Yep, childcare is expensive. I could get a job, but much of my money would just go to childcare. Maybe if jobs offered things like *gasp* paid maternity leave of decent length I wouldn't want to stay home so bad.

Very true, a lot of managers dont appreciate anybody. It's especially scary nowadays with all the lay offs even for those who are supposed to have more job security.

 

[nightkd]

I know. Thing is, at least with homeworking you can look after baby, then when you get some freetime do some work. It's that extra flexibility, so you don't have to worry so much about baby, eg you not being there. If you took maternity leave and decided you wanted to stay home with baby, you'd have to start from scratch, at least working from home you decide when to go back to work and how much to do.

I got laid off 10 1/2 months of being there, so I was just under a year and am now finding it difficult to get any joy from my 'unfair dismissal' case..They tend to say under a year employers can do whatever the heck they want. My boss bullied me too. I don't have a car so I can't really get that far and public transport is crap! Homeworking just seems the best option..

 

[nightkd]

It's not just about baby I feel upset about my BF. He's really unsupportive. For example I'll ask him for help with my business, eg just coming up with a couple of words and he'll instantly go "Dunno" and not even look at me. It's like, why can't you even try and be a bit helpful?!

*Scream*

I'm just so disappointed about this, because I just want to be able to start planning my future with him and he's not at all interested. In fact he'll make me feel guilty for bringing it up.

Any of my male friends would at least give me their attention for a couple minutes to TRY and think of helpful things, even just to make a joke comment, he can't even be arsed to pull his f***ing face away from the TV to help me with a lost word for my BUSINESS that could be helping support us and pay for our house in a few months/years. He'll encourage me and say he'll support me in getting the business up and running, and then little things that I REALLY need help with, he can't be bummed. WTF is wrong with him???!?!?!??!?! How did this not annoy so much me up until recently?

Sorry I'm really ranting now. I just feel so lost, lonely, upset. Mnyah.

 

[sam's mum]

Sorry, but anyone who ever even thought about suggesting a 'home abortion' or punching me in the stomach, whether they meant it or not, would be straight out the door I'm sure he has his good points, but if he won't even support you with your business, what is he going to be like throughout a pregnancy and as a father? Is he violent? If you are having doubts now, do you think you'll be happy with him for the rest of your life?

If you do think you could be happy with him though, setting up your own business is a fantastic way to ensure you get to spend as much time as possible at home when you do have kids - especially something where the hours are flexible...that's what I'm trying to do at the moment too What sort of business are you setting up?

I hope things get better for you soon. Give your OH a bit of time, if he is the guy you want to be with, and I'm sure once you are in your own place and more financially independent he'll start to come around to the idea of starting a family x

 

[nightkd]

Hmm, I've considered it. I usually just get as far away from him as possible and cry If I ever thought he was serious he would be gone. He's hit me before...not like punched me or anything, but just got annoyed (not neccessarily with me) and just lashed out. That upsets me too, but it's just like shoving me away if I'm winding him up or grabbing my arm. I know how that sounds, but I'm a playful person and I like trying to wind him up and he's just not at all (which is another thing that really upsets me, I want someone I can mess around with) and it's never something I'd kick him out for or anything. It's these f***ing moods that piss me off, he just shuts himself away and never talks about anything and it makes me feel like crap.

He's not violent, he's boring if anything... He goes "mnyah, you're hurting me" if I tickle him...that sort of person. I mean could he be anymore of a damn pansy?

It's only the past couple of days I have been doubting him as a father. I was talking to a close/long distance friend last night and I really want an enthusiastic father for my kids, someone that would make loads of noise and properly get involved and mess around with them and stuff, I don't think he'll ever be that sort of person... But I'm not sure, maybe if I give him the opportunity and once he sees his kids and gets into the role he might be.. I can't imagine him ever being a kid running around a playground making NEAWWWW!!! noises (*plane*) though, and that worries me.

I've never been encourage to do things, or had my confidence built by my parents.. I want my kids to have all that and I'm going to be as active as possible with them, just don't know if he will. I obviously can't even discuss these worries with him because he'll shut off and get in a mood which'll make me feel bad.

I'm trying to set up a jewellery making business, I make my own jewellery and I'd really strive to make money from it. I like writing too, so looking at freelance writing and proof-reading (I always pick out mistakes in text really easily...).. But will have to see what works! I'd do anything really as long as I could do it from the comfort of my own home!

Thanks a lot. I know I am putting pressure on him, but I can't hack waiting around for someone to make a decision and he just won't respond at all!!!! I guess it is just a matter of waiting and seeing when we get our own place, but that's not coming quick enough
xx

 

[xXx Vamp xXx]

Sorry, but anyone who ever even thought about suggesting a 'home abortion' or punching me in the stomach, whether they meant it or not, would be straight out the door I'm sure he has his good points, but if he won't even support you with your business, what is he going to be like throughout a pregnancy and as a father? Is he violent? If you are having doubts now, do you think you'll be happy with him for the rest of your life?

This is the first thing that really jumped out at me too. If anyone said that to me, joking or not, I would honestly be telling them where to go. I know its your relationship sweetheart and you must care about him to be with him, but things like that actually happen, and for him to mention it even in joking is not acceptable. I would be making that point very clear to him very loudly.

As for the rest of it babes, you sound like a very intelligent person with a lot of good ideas for your life and a plan of where you want things to be going. Maybe it's time to tell the OH to be more supportive. If like you say he can't support you now, what's he going to be like with a child there? I'm sorry if I sound really nasty sweetheart, I'm really not trying to be. I just think you deserve so much better than that. Whatever happens I hope you're okay and that things work out the way you truely want them to in your heart.

 

[Chris77]

Hi there, I really hope things settle itself out for you. But if he's talking about punching you in the stomach to get rid of the problem or giving you a home abortion, perhaps he's not really the best person to have a baby with. Take some more time to really get to know him more before you're tied to this man forever.

Good luck to you.

 

[Reedy]

Firstly I cant believe your bf would say if you fell pregnant then he would give you a home abortion or punch you in the stomach to solve the 'problem' that is disgraceful whether he was joking or not but to me thats not a joke x
You say he's boring negative & you dont think he'll be the dad you want him to be so why would you want to have a child with him?
How old is he?
This is just a guess from reading your thread but it seems to me that your only staying with him because your so desperate for a child & you scared that if you split up your going to have to wait even longer to have the child you so desperatly want x

I really hope you manage to sort things out & good luck with your business x

 

[saara24]

Sweetie, your other half sounds a lot like my brother - am I right in thinking he's about 20? I've read your other posts too but it's too early in the morning to remember (My bro turns 21 on Tuesday, and seriously - the whole 'Dunno' thing and not being able to get them to turn away from the TV, or Halo on his Xbox in my brother's case) He sounds far too young and immature to be considering babies - I know once it's a reality a lot of guys will come through for you - but if you're having doubts now, it doesn't sound so good.

Another thing I wanted to comment on was the home business thing - it sounds all well and good in theory, but it's not quite as easy as people think to run a business from home that actually makes anywhere near enough money to be worthwhile - there's a lot more to it than pottering about and working when you want to, unfortunately - you have to do accounts (SERIOUS hassle, unless you have an accountant, in which case SERIOUS money LOL), deal with suppliers, webdesigners etc if you're selling stuff. If you're selling stuff, your customers want the goods they've paid for, and they want them now - if it takes off, it can take a long time each day to process even a day's worth of orders (takes me anything between three hours and nine hours a day just to pack parcels) - I can't even imagine trying to look after a baby as well as do my work - we're bringing in my OH's sister to come and help me and learn the ropes so eventually it'll be her responsibility and I can look after bubba.

I realise not all home businesses are quite as work intensive as ours is (proof-reading sounds fab!) but it really isn't the easy way out at all - you think you have no job security in paid employment? Some day's I'd kill to just work in an office or at a supermarket checkout - paid sick leave, maternity pay - if you're stressed you get signed off work and paid for it - holidays!

Anyways I'll stop ranting now. At the end of the day I wouldn't change it for the world - being your own boss is crazy scary and very very very stressful and hard, but it's a good feeling when you can make your mortgage payments and know that you were responsible for that money being there. Didn't mean to hijack your thread

 

[starryeye31]

Sweetie , I think its best you wait to have a baby , wait untill you have your own home , and wait untill you can afford it , your boyfriend sounds like he is not ready to become a father yet .

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Hmm, I've considered it. I usually just get as far away from him as possible and cry If I ever thought he was serious he would be gone. He's hit me before...not like punched me or anything, but just got annoyed (not neccessarily with me) and just lashed out. That upsets me too, but it's just like shoving me away if I'm winding him up or grabbing my arm. I know how that sounds, but I'm a playful person and I like trying to wind him up and he's just not at all (which is another thing that really upsets me, I want someone I can mess around with) and it's never something I'd kick him out for or anything. It's these f***ing moods that piss me off, he just shuts himself away and never talks about anything and it makes me feel like crap.

He's not violent, he's boring if anything... He goes "mnyah, you're hurting me" if I tickle him...that sort of person. I mean could he be anymore of a damn pansy?

It's only the past couple of days I have been doubting him as a father. I was talking to a close/long distance friend last night and I really want an enthusiastic father for my kids, someone that would make loads of noise and properly get involved and mess around with them and stuff, I don't think he'll ever be that sort of person... But I'm not sure, maybe if I give him the opportunity and once he sees his kids and gets into the role he might be.. I can't imagine him ever being a kid running around a playground making NEAWWWW!!! noises (*plane*) though, and that worries me.

I've never been encourage to do things, or had my confidence built by my parents.. I want my kids to have all that and I'm going to be as active as possible with them, just don't know if he will. I obviously can't even discuss these worries with him because he'll shut off and get in a mood which'll make me feel bad.

I'm trying to set up a jewellery making business, I make my own jewellery and I'd really strive to make money from it. I like writing too, so looking at freelance writing and proof-reading (I always pick out mistakes in text really easily...).. But will have to see what works! I'd do anything really as long as I could do it from the comfort of my own home!

Thanks a lot. I know I am putting pressure on him, but I can't hack waiting around for someone to make a decision and he just won't respond at all!!!! I guess it is just a matter of waiting and seeing when we get our own place, but that's not coming quick enough
xx

What's ur gut telling you???

IA with others, proofreading sounds fab!!!!

 

[honeybunch2k7]

I realise not all home businesses are quite as work intensive as ours is (proof-reading sounds fab!) but it really isn't the easy way out at all - you think you have no job security in paid employment? Some day's I'd kill to just work in an office or at a supermarket checkout - paid sick leave, maternity pay - if you're stressed you get signed off work and paid for it - holidays!

:

Wow those sound nice. What do you get 6 mos w/pay or something like that??? I'd kill for that, but I live in the wrong country.

 

[saara24]

I'd be quite happy with that too Honeybunch, but unfortunately as I dare to go my own way, pay half my income to the government in VAT and income tax, I'm not entitled to maternity pay or much help at all, actually.

We had a friend of OH's in our shop just recently who has been off work, on paid leave, for three months because of 'stress'. She's a call centre worker for a telephone bank. How stressful can it possibly be?

It drives me mad, tbh

 

[Nik_]

Sweetie , I think its best you wait to have a baby , wait untill you have your own home , and wait untill you can afford it , your boyfriend sounds like he is not ready to become a father yet .

I have to agree with this. Although you want a baby, pressuring him when he's not ready and not being accepting about it, is not the way to go. It is INCREDIBLY insensitive and wrong for him to tell you that he would give you a "home abortion", joking or not, it's also a bit insensitive of you to not take a look from his perspective about having a baby. You're still quite young and I'm assuming he is too, he probably wants to live his life like most young guys do. Guys also mature slower than women do, so that's another fact.

Ask yourself this, would you rather have a baby now when he's still immature and not ready, thus incapable of living up to his full fatherly potential, or later in life when he's mature and ready and would make a great father?

 

[Mrs Doddy]

I read this the other day and didn't know what to advise. I have thought about it and the talk of sorting you out by punching you in the stomach is not the talk of someone who is ready to have a child. How much do you want to be with him ??? if you really love him maybe you should wait a bit until he grows up a bit, in the meantime sort out your business and money to make yourself a little more stable

However it is your desicion and I hope whatever you decide is the right desicion.

xxx

 

[sparkswillfly]

Hi.

I dont mean to sound like judgemental or anything like that but from reading your posts over the last couple of weeks it would suggest your very focused on having a baby right now. Is your other half aware of this? I think he is probably feeling very pressured! Boys are very very immature and it takes a lot longer for them to grow up than girls. He obviously loves you a lot because he wants to make a home with you but he sounds in no way ready for a baby. It would change your lives forever and I dont think hes mature enough for such a big step. At 18 you've still got a lot of growing up and changing to do. At 18 I was a completely different person to what I am now, when I think back only four years ago I cringe at how immature I was. Ive grown up a lot in four years and I think that the period of 18-23 is when most people become the real person they are (if that makes sense) Its also not fair on the child to bring him/her into a relationship thats not ready because it will affect their life in a big way. My parents had me young and split up when I was a baby and I never had a real sense of family and as much as most single parents do a great job it isnt an ideal situation and it didnt work for me. You should live together for a few years first and then discuss the subject again. You never know you could look back at this stage in your life when your 22 and say "what was I thinking?!"
You really dont need to rush you have your whole life ahead of you and pressurising your boyfriend could just drive you apart. I didnt want to be an old mum, ill be 23 when the peach is born, and I think you should atleast wait until your 21 to think about it because you could end up regretting the choices you made. And I really dont think this forum is helping as it is obviously all about babies!