Thank you all for responding! I think that I may take us back to the mediator at our Church because it's like an elephant sitting in the room that we're trying to ignore, so I don't want to leave it hanging because it feels like letting a live wire just flop around.
But at the same time, I don't want to experience a heavy emotional trauma of loss while still in the first trimester. I want to basically just get his agreement with someone else present so that we don't fight that we'll both just work through this time and be as nice and civil to each other as we can, and then maybe on the 1st of November having a serious talk about the relationship and what we want to do. I have my scan on the 22nd of October and I'll be 11 or 12 weeks by then, so a week after that, I'll be in my second trimester.
You are so right Mapleroo, it really is so hard when you're living in a foreign country because it adds so many layers of complexity to a situation that would already be complex enough. That looks like a New Zealand flag, are you a kiwi? That's funny, because I'm an American from the far north near Canada, living in New Zealand with my kiwi boyfriend.
redlemonade, I have a few friends here in New Zealand, and am on good terms with OH's family, but I have a gigantic circle of friends in one state in the US and then I have a gigantic family in my home state (not all of whom I'm on good terms with). So I do have some people here I could turn to but living in a foreign country is daunting enough if you're not pregnant and going through an emotional upset like a break-up (and a break-up is already stressful enough without a baby involved!) so the thought of staying in New Zealand if we were to break-up is scary. There are just so many things to weigh - healthcare is better here than in the States for maternity, but once the baby is born I have a much bigger support group in either of two states I could choose in the US. I'd have to set up my whole life again all over, while pregnant and without a man. There are just so many variables and it's hard to know what is right, but like you said, I don't have to decide right now!
CastawayBride, I think the above also pertains to what you had said. When I first read what you wrote I was like, "Yeah, I could go back to the States!" Then I had these little nagging "buts" cutting in like, "healthcare is better in New Zealand!" and "if you leave before you give birth, unless he decides to come fly to the States for the birth, he won't see his newborn baby and she won't see her daddy!" etc. etc. until my head is spinning. I hope a lot of my internal ideas and objections to my ideas will be handled after the scan on the 1st of Nov when we can hopefully talk about what to do, and maybe he has some ideas.
I just know that I told him I'm not happy yesterday and he just said, "Neither." and I just silently shed tears until I had to leave the room because neither of us could say anything more at that point. I know that it's not in good shape and I don't even know if once we've worked through our difficulties if we're the people that each of us wants to be with. My concerns are almost equally measured on both sides both for and against leaving. It will take some heavy deliberation when the time comes.
In the meantime, it's rough.
But I'm trying to learn to be strong for my little baby.
And thank you again for your post
