Feeling sad

Discussion in 'Pregnancy - First Trimester' started by Skywalker, Oct 6, 2013.

  1. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    I am not sure because anything could turn around again but it doesn't feel/look good for my relationship. OH and I didn't fight today but just had a calm discussion where I ended up crying silently because I was so sad and had to leave the room, because I feel like we're over and I couldn't stop crying with OH looking at me. Like I say anything could turn around but I feel so sad, and so scared, to be a single mother. If we break up, everything about my life is basically going to have to change. Has anyone been through a break up while pregnant? How did you get through it? How did you cope with being a single mom? :cry: I'm trying not to cry because I've heard it is not good for baby, trying to keep it together. So I'm looking for any good advice from anyone who's been there and even if you haven't been there but have some advice, that's good too. I'm so glad this group is here because it helps. :hugs:
     
  2. missmousemum2

    missmousemum2 Mummy to gorgeous Aaron

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    Didn't want to read and run. Sending :hugs:
     
  3. noodles13

    noodles13 dd#1 dd#2 ds#3

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    When I had my eldest dd her dad left us on xmas day when she was four months old I was only then 21. Then when I had my second dd I was 25 thought I had settled with a good man the day I told him I was pregnant he disappeared never ever heard from him since so did it all on my own she will be 3 after Christmas this year. I just went into survival mode you cope because you have to. Your babies meed you and you have no other instinct but to get on with it and raise them the best you can. After years of resigning myself to a life alone I met a wonderful man who loves me and my children (my eldest has regular contact with her dad) I am now 6 weeks pregnant. I didnt plan my life to be like this it all just happened. But my children are loved they have fabulous lives. I dont care what people think of me. All I know is weather you are a single mum or not its all the same passion and love to care for your baby. Keep strong and carry on thats my motto x
     
  4. CanadianFilly

    CanadianFilly Well-Known Member

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    Can you two maybe put your serious relationship talks on hold at least until you're in the second tri? I know I've been seriously moody lately and feel like the sky is falling most days. It was the same way for me with my first pregnancy in the first tri. Not saying you don't have serious issues to talk about but maybe best to talk when your hormones are more settled.
     
  5. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much for your response, and first I am so sorry that you had to go through the other two children alone!

    Can I ask you, with your second where you did everything entirely on your own, how did you manage with 3rd tri right before birth, birth, and then post birth? Did you have other family and friends around to help you? I am so glad that your children have fabulous lives and that you've finally found a good man who loves you and your children! I think it's a good attitude to have to not care what people think of you. Absolutely, the same love!

    I want to gather as much info as I can now so I can have a plan in place. I know that life can come in from all sides and derange perfectly laid plans but I think it's better to have some plan to go from than nothing. For instance, if we break up, I have to weigh a lot of different scenarios but I know eventually it's going to come down to just jumping and making a decision and if it's the wrong decision... I'll just have to adjust it. But it's just scary because now it's not just my life that is affected by my decisions, it is my baby's life as well. I know I will be so happy when she is here, I just never imagined that when I had a child I would be doing it alone.

    CanadianFilly, we try to not talk about it. There are a lot of things that come up and the issues that we are dealing with are pretty much the types of relationship issues that are deal breakers even for people who give 100 and 200th chances.

    I am not making any decisions, though until my scan on the 22nd, and maybe by then we will have had a break through and worked some things out. I don't know what will happen but it is not an easy situation to be in. I just hope that if things end, he can be helpful and supportive with this baby and we can end this sanely and without a bunch of drama. Wish me luck :(
     
  6. Misscalais

    Misscalais Well-Known Member

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  7. redlemonade

    redlemonade Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry you're going through this skywalker :hugs:

    I think it's a good idea to hold off on making big decisions until your scan, if you're ok to wait until then. It sounds like this is a very stressful situation. I know you're so far from home which I'm sure doesn't help. Do you have someone IRL that you can turn to right now?
     
  8. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    Thank you :hugs: Yeah, I hopefully can hold off until then! It definitely doesn't help that I'm so far from home :( Also that I can't decide if I were to go back to the States if I'd go back to the state where I have some family, or the state I spent most of my adult life and have a large circle of friends (but I hate the climate). Very tough decisions all around. Hopefully with some communication we'll get through it all right. What does IRL mean? Sorry for my naivity :blush: And thank you again for your post
     
  9. redlemonade

    redlemonade Well-Known Member

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    Take it one day at a time hun. You don't have to decide now.

    IRL means 'in real life' - like someone in NZ that you can turn to?
     
  10. noodles13

    noodles13 dd#1 dd#2 ds#3

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    When I was heavily pregnant with little dd my eldest was 4 I dont really know if I thought about it too much I have a big family and good friends but really I didnt ask for help only when it came to labour. I had little one 3 weeks early as I had obstetric choleostasies so I could plan childcare it wasnt such a scramble for help so worked out fine. When she was born I just did what I had to do. Its sort of survival mode. You dont think you just do what your body and mind tells you to do. The baby keeps you going every day you dont have time to dwell on anything. Its not scary its only social stereotypes the dreaded "single mum" dont pay attention its your life youre growing baby and when the time comes your instincts will take over. After the terrible relationship I had with eldests controlling dad I found it so calming being on my own and doing it all on my own could rest when I wanted sleep when I wanted chill out with my daughter and be excited. X
     
  11. CastawayBride

    CastawayBride Mother of Two

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    This is a very heavy decision to make take some time and do what is best for you and your baby. Maybe going back to the US just until you have your feet on the ground and then you can move on to do whatever...then you will have the family/friend support you need to get through this. I know this has not been easy for you and whatever your decision you deserve a good man!
     
  12. Missysj89

    Missysj89 Well-Known Member

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    I didn't want to read and run.

    Last year, I faced the very real possibility of being a single mum. My Oh and I had split days before I found out I was pg and although he made the right noises about being around, he just wasn't mature enough. I panicked initially, but my family and friends were so incredibly supportive of me that I knew if I had to I could do it on my own. At the time, us being in relationship was not an option at all, and I just kinda got on with it. Unfortunately I miscarried a bit later on but I know I could and would have done it by myself if I had to.

    I think the right support for you, wherever that comes from, will be important. You would survive, because you have to, and although it might not be the ideal, there are some advantages to single parenthood. If you can hold off for a while, on the decision, do. But if it doesn't work out as you'd like, you'll be ok. x
     
  13. sun

    sun Mum of 3

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    Hugs - that must be so hard :hugs:

    I don't have advice except to say that if you end up a single mum you will find a strength and confidence you didn't think you had, and you and LO will be fine xo.
     
  14. Mapleroo

    Mapleroo Well-Known Member

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    I have never been quite in your situation, however I do understand the trickiness of it. I too live in a country that is not my own and I have often thought about the 'what if's' if something were to happen between us that ended in divorce/separation. So many more things come into play that make an already horribly difficult situation even worse.

    Hopefully over the next few months, things settle down and any big decisions that need to be made, can be done as a family. Good luck!
     
  15. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all for responding! I think that I may take us back to the mediator at our Church because it's like an elephant sitting in the room that we're trying to ignore, so I don't want to leave it hanging because it feels like letting a live wire just flop around.

    But at the same time, I don't want to experience a heavy emotional trauma of loss while still in the first trimester. I want to basically just get his agreement with someone else present so that we don't fight that we'll both just work through this time and be as nice and civil to each other as we can, and then maybe on the 1st of November having a serious talk about the relationship and what we want to do. I have my scan on the 22nd of October and I'll be 11 or 12 weeks by then, so a week after that, I'll be in my second trimester.

    You are so right Mapleroo, it really is so hard when you're living in a foreign country because it adds so many layers of complexity to a situation that would already be complex enough. That looks like a New Zealand flag, are you a kiwi? That's funny, because I'm an American from the far north near Canada, living in New Zealand with my kiwi boyfriend.

    redlemonade, I have a few friends here in New Zealand, and am on good terms with OH's family, but I have a gigantic circle of friends in one state in the US and then I have a gigantic family in my home state (not all of whom I'm on good terms with). So I do have some people here I could turn to but living in a foreign country is daunting enough if you're not pregnant and going through an emotional upset like a break-up (and a break-up is already stressful enough without a baby involved!) so the thought of staying in New Zealand if we were to break-up is scary. There are just so many things to weigh - healthcare is better here than in the States for maternity, but once the baby is born I have a much bigger support group in either of two states I could choose in the US. I'd have to set up my whole life again all over, while pregnant and without a man. There are just so many variables and it's hard to know what is right, but like you said, I don't have to decide right now!

    CastawayBride, I think the above also pertains to what you had said. When I first read what you wrote I was like, "Yeah, I could go back to the States!" Then I had these little nagging "buts" cutting in like, "healthcare is better in New Zealand!" and "if you leave before you give birth, unless he decides to come fly to the States for the birth, he won't see his newborn baby and she won't see her daddy!" etc. etc. until my head is spinning. I hope a lot of my internal ideas and objections to my ideas will be handled after the scan on the 1st of Nov when we can hopefully talk about what to do, and maybe he has some ideas.

    I just know that I told him I'm not happy yesterday and he just said, "Neither." and I just silently shed tears until I had to leave the room because neither of us could say anything more at that point. I know that it's not in good shape and I don't even know if once we've worked through our difficulties if we're the people that each of us wants to be with. My concerns are almost equally measured on both sides both for and against leaving. It will take some heavy deliberation when the time comes.

    In the meantime, it's rough. :cry: But I'm trying to learn to be strong for my little baby.
     
  16. Mapleroo

    Mapleroo Well-Known Member

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    Nope, not a Kiwi! Im an Aussie. My DH and I met in Aus when he was over traveling, got married and had 2 kids over there before moving to Canada 10 years ago.
    You and I really couldn't be any further from our homeland if we tried! I have only been to NZ once when I was a kid but where we used to live in Aus, there was a huge Maori population and so got to experience the culture that way. I hear what you are saying about the health care (I imagine it's similar to Australia) and that is definitely a concern (I am not a fan of the health care system in the States). Just keep in mind though, there are other issues like citizenship and immigration for baby if you do leave NZ after the birth.
     
  17. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    That's a whole other issue! I am coming up on being able to get my residency and if I give birth to my baby in the States, she will have some issues getting residency/citizenship in NZ. That's something else I'm grappling with. If I give birth here, she is automatically an American citizen as well because I'm the mother and an American citizen, myself. All I have to do is fill out a form at the US consulate and she is marked as "US citizen born abroad" If I give birth in the States, it might be quite a headache both with the medical system and with trying to get her back into New Zealand to spend time with her father. I just am concerned about not having a support group near me and also not super excited about being pregnant through summer here while I'm already getting hot easily lol, but that's a comfort point and at least I can swim at the beach which I wouldn't be able to do in the States right now. So many things to consider. And I know! We are both so incredibly far from home! Could only really be farther if we went to the poles! Lol, very strange feeling, even for people who love travelling.
     
  18. Mapleroo

    Mapleroo Well-Known Member

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    Would he sign off on your baby leaving the country?
     
  19. Skywalker

    Skywalker Well-Known Member

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    I'm pretty sure. He told me he does not want this baby.
     
  20. redlemonade

    redlemonade Well-Known Member

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    I think it's a good idea to contact the mediator in your church; that's a good start. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you've a lot of stuff to weigh up. I know the health care system in the US isn't great, but don't underestimate how helpful friends and family are, both when you're heavily pregnant and with a tiny newborn. Have you told any of your friends and family back home what's going on? It might help to get their perspective.

    I'm sorry that he's told you he doesn't want this baby. Have you discussed what he DOES want?
     

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