Feeling selfish and confused. Baby = "no more me?"

[sakuramiss]

Hello all, I hope this finds you well.

I feel a little shy opening up about this as I am not proud of all of my feelings, but they are mind.

I have struggled with whether or not motherhood was right for me for years. At 36, I realised I had limited time. I am in a committed relationship.

I don't know if this question is common or unwelcome here - being so focussed on parenting.

I have little experience with babies, and frequently, I hear mothers both beam about the love they have of being mothers, and the bitter agony of it.

My fears are shameful to me, but they are real.

I work in entertainment (TV, movies, voice, etc), where I am accustomed to frequent cosmetic investments to maintain appearance, focus being on appearance, and a self centred lifestyle.

I feel I need to sleep, I need to have days off, I need to have trips to beauty salons and dermatologists... I like the same thing I imagine most people might like: looking nice. My job demands it, and if I am honest, I started to unhealthily tie up my self worth with it. I know this is not a good thing, but it's me being honest. I fear that somehow, being a mom changes us. I expect this is untrue and foolish. I know very few mothers, as an expat in a pace where I know a handful of locals.

I am ambitious. I grew up with very little, and I dream of giving a child more than I did. I have no real family. It's something I've always wished for.

I have this image of "baby = no more ME" and that scares me. I expect it is what you make it, but I expect you give up a lot of yourself (and I expect it is gladly done). I wonder, how do you parents feel about this?

I fear my selfishness. I fear my weakness.I suppose I despise my ego-driven ways that indicate my insecurity.

However, I can't imagine not having a baby. Strangely, I am afraid of babies. I don't feel much of a reaction toward them, but the idea of my own is wonderful to me. Being pregnant is something I would welcome.

When I was 28, I lost an unplanned baby due to a medical problem. It has never stopped haunting me. It was very painful.

I often dream of what my child might become, and how exciting it could be to watch it grow and become a person.

I have a deep fear of being too shallow, too weak, and too attached to the things that make me feel valid. I also dream of healthier things...such as watching a combination of myself and a loved one grow for me to love.

I guess I am wondering if anyone can relate, particularly as I am 36, and would look to have a baby at 37 or 38...for financial reasons. I live as an expat, so life is unstable.

I feel a clock ticking over my head and absolute confusion and fear. How do you figure out if motherhood is right for you? Is it different for everyone? I imagine so, but it's worth asking.

I hope this post isn't too far off topic for this forum.

I welcome your insight. I have been pretty brutally honest, but it's what's inside me.

Best wishes

 

[3Minions]

Thank you for laying it all out there.... Having a child changes your perspective on the universe, on your parents, on your siblings, on your friends, on your every day life. You might think you know what love is, but you don't know until you hold a piece of yourself. A piece that grew under your heart. You are their WORLD. And there is nothing on this planet than I find more fulfilling than being a mother. I didn't know that when I was younger. Heck, I didn't know that when I was 28.... DH and I figured we'd have one kid and see how it went from there.... I was 30 when our first was born. I will 35 next month and I'm currently pregnant with what will hopefully be our fourth (and final) baby. After our first we realized we needed a herd of little people for us to be whole. It's hard to explain....
I have an MA and had a fabulous career and now I'm a SAHM. I couldn't imagine leaving my kids so I could work. But I was never tied to my career as part of my identity. You seem to really like your work, your field.... And there are LOTS of mothers who find a really good balance between motherhood and work and you honestly can't even begin to guess what would work for you until you have that little person in your arms. Children change you - they change your priorities in a heartbeat.
Your header is "Baby = no more me?" I think a more accurate statement would be "Baby = new you." I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I have children - I'm experiencing different things than people who don't have kids. I don't feel like I've given up any of my identity, it's just different than it was a few years ago. And my kids are growing every day. One day they'll grow up and move away, and then I can do all the traveling that DH and I can't afford to do now and I'll have to redefine myself yet again. If I were to die tomorrow, I would regret not having my babies more than I would regret not having been to the beach one more time. My children are my heart. And you know what? Not every woman has that urge. Not every woman wants to have kids. And that's fine too. At the end of the day, you have to be the best you that you can be for yourself. Because you have to live with you every. single. day. of your life. And it's tough to figure out what that is. You seemed quite reticent to say a lot of what you really wanted to say for fear of offending someone. Feel free to pm me. I don't mind sharing my experiences at all. Good luck in whatever your future holds!

 

[sakuramiss]

Thank you a million for that after my shoot today. I will PM you. I did feel very nervous and ashamed of the concerns I had. Much love and light to you =^^=

 

[sakuramiss]

I see there is a rule regarding PMing. I will do so ASAP as you were correct. Thank you again, sincerely!

 

[BigLegEmma]

I think these are normal feelings and it's good you acknowledge them. I too work in the entertainment industry (music) and so recognise the pressures and work commitments you mentioned. Even now, I worry can I get back in shape in time for my summer work and I'm always too tired these days to go the recording studio (which is only in my basement, not even like I need to leave the house!) and complete work clients are waiting on.

But 3minions said it best when she said it doesn't mean the end of you, just a new you. Life has a funny way of meandering here and there and us humans are, by and large, good at adapting.

 

[BabyBean14]

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[MamaE]

Nothing to be ashamed about, at all. It's pretty amazing that you wrote it all down, actually

I was the same way. I'm educated, had an awesome career, but (unlike you) I didn't want children at all. My husband knew this marrying me, and we agreed no kids just dogs. I was very focused on myself, my husband, my career, and didn't think that I would be able to give a child the love an attention it would need. I babysat growing up, but that was for pocket $ and I wasn't particularly fond of the children ever. I was named a Godmother to my cousin's daughter, and I was more excited about buying her jewelry than holding her, quite frankly. I am very in-touch with my feelings and have 0 qualms about vocalizing them to my husband, such as my biggest fear: he would love the baby more than me, and I would get pushed by the wayside and my marriage would fall apart.

Well, things changed the hard way. I got pregnant (oops!) and found out while we were visiting my parents for the holidays 1 year. I was NOT happy. I started crying, freaking out. I didn't want to be a mother. Everyone was trying to get me excited, but I literally spent a week in tears. Well, from my mouth to God's ears, let's say, and I miscarried a month in. Strangely, I was devastated. I had just gotten used to the idea that I wasn't alone anymore, and it was gone. That moment is when I hopped the fence. As soon as we were given the green light, I was pregnant w/in 6 weeks, and THRILLED.

My daughter is 2 now, and has made me a better human being. I'm a SAHM, and I would give my life for her, anything---but that doesn't mean I don't still take care of myself. I'm thin again, as if there was no pregnancy, makeup/hair done, I still spend on my clothes, but now I get to spend on hers too I get excited to pass her down my jewelry, handbags, everything! Watching her learn, sing, discover… It's wondrous and indescribable.

Things do change, you will re-prioritize without even trying to. You will still be you, but I found that I've softened a lot. While I still am not interested in anyone else's children, I think my daughter is the reason for my existence---if that means dark circles under my eyes bc she had nightmares, well, then they were worth holding her all night keeping her safe and secure.

You will look at yourself a few years from now and probably wonder how the old you could doubt yourself. You'll look at your child and won't be able to fathom life without him/her. You'll see

 

[Nikko88]

You aren't alone in worrying about how life will change after the little one arrives.

I'm 37 and expecting my first. I was never really interested in children. I've really enjoyed having my time to myself and doing things with my husband.

We talked about how we are going to balance being parents with our own interest and have agreed that it's important that we don't just stop doing everything we enjoy because we have a kid. It will mean adjusting our hiking trips and other favored activities.

Me, I'm worried about being slotted into the typical gender mold (e.g. cooking, cleaning, childcare and nothing else). I realize this is a fear, not a destiny. It's about balance and being open with my husband about our changing roles as we move towards being a parent.

I try to think of it as a new adventure. It's something I didn't want to regret not doing.

 

[AggieWhoop]

I worried about that too. I was 37 when I had my daughter (planned) who is now 2, but worried that I wouldn't be myself anymore - the me who loved to be social and go out. Maybe my situation is unique because I have family close by who adores my daughter and is willing to watch her any time, but I really feel I'm the same person, only a little better, and now I'm definitely more interested in spending time with this cool person. I'll never be a baby person, but it's worth it to know them as infants. It will sound harsh, but they're kind of little blobs for the first few months. But every month it gets easier and they're more fun. All of this to say: you can still be you after the baby is born. There are ways. But it's possible and maybe even likely that you'll want to be a slightly different you after your little one is here.

 

[MimiMomma]

Thank you for sharing. I have had similar thoughts, you are certainly not alone.

It was brave of you to share these feelings, and your letter certainly gives me things to consider in my own life.

 

[GeralynB]

I'm 34 and pregnant with my first. You are definitely not alone. I still worry that I will be giving up so much now that we are having a baby. DH and I love our time together and freedom to do what we want. We love traveling and have been to some pretty amazing places. I'm going to miss being able to go wherever we want, when we want. But everyone says there is nothing in the world like being a parent. I'm hoping that this will just be another adventure in our lives.

 

[Jazzbird]

I just LOVE this thread! I'm 37 and 5 months pregnant with my first. The decision to have a child was a really hard one for me. Throughout my 20s I always imagined having kids but as the years moved on I started to try new hobbies, careers, lived in different countries and I felt and still do that my story isn't over. I looked at friends and relatives with kids and was completely mortified at the thought of disappearing into a child.

Met my partner age 30 and love him to pieces - he has always said he would like kids but I always honestly said I wasn't sure. I have spent so many hours thinking it through, ruminating over the decision and I read this article which said that making the decision to have a child is like packing for a holiday in an unknown destination in the dark. It completely makes sense to me - as you neither have any idea how much you will love this little person nor how hard it can be raising this person.

I think the older you get; the more you want to make conscious rational decisions. But this is one decision where rational thought really has very little place.

When all was said and done I felt in my bones that being a mother was something I wanted to experience. I felt as though holidays, restaurants, hobbies, careers were endlessly interesting but that I would eventually reach my fill with everything.

When I looked at all the key decisions I made in life: good but boring job for financial security, biggish house purchase near to good schools, husband who loves kids ... I realised that those decisions had been made with my unborn children in mind. It was fear of losing myself and my identity that stalled me.

So we started trying and as the months passed by I started to realise that I may have actually left it too late. Then I realised how much I wanted to experience being a mum.

I have no idea how it will pan out. I have found pregnancy very tough with sickness but when she kicks me ... it is a wonderful feeling. And when I saw her face on the scan it was beautiful. I already love her and I haven't even met her.

These are my thoughts though and I totally understand that a child free life can be completely and utterly fulfilling.

Re the looking good issue - I totally know what you mean but when you have a moment think of all the 50+ women you know - do the childless ones look any younger? We are all aging and yes I'm sure your beauty regime might take a beating for a few years but you'll pick it up again as they start to go to school. Of course the irony is that you probably will stop caring about it by that point because motherhood will change us all in ways we can't imagine. And that brings me back to my original point that you almost cannot come to a rational decision.

Wishing you all the best. I have felt so much more at peace since I got pregnant because I am no longer obsessing about the decision. Freedom sometimes comes in chains.

 

[cookette]

I could have written this. I always said "No babies!" and hubby has a daughter from a previous marriage but didnt want anymore. I dont know what it was, but after being married for a year (we dated for 7), I decided I NEEDED a baby, I NEEDED to be a mother.

But I still fear. I still worry over losing "me." I worry how it will change me and my husband, that it will hurt out marriage.

I think these are real fears, but the posts on this thread have brought me peace. At this point, we wait and se

 

[Jazzbird]

Cookette - they brought me peace too! It feels like the only mothers around me are those who were 100% certain they wanted to be a mum. It's so refreshing to hear of those on the fence or previously adamantly against having them.

 

[gingmg]

I think how you feel is very normal. I felt that way too. I was on the fence for a very long time. I love my life exactly how it has been, just the two of us enjoying life, traveling etc and I wasn't sure I wanted anything to change. Then one day I realized that even though I could see us occupying our time and feeling very fulfilled for the next ten to fifteen years or so, I would be taking a chance that some far off day from now I might be sorry and it would be too late. I realized I might regret not having kids, but you would never regret having them. Once you love someone that much, you would never want to picture your life without them. That was my tipping point that pushed me to want to start a family.

 

[Travelseeker]

Hi all,

I could have written this exact post and am currently in these same shoes, which is why I am bring this post back to life.

I will be 37 in December and for the first time in my life I am feeling a panic about having a child, I am fearful of the unknown and can't land on a decision. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, both of us are on the fence. We love our lives, the ability to travel, to go for dinners, jump in the car to ski for the day, are career focused, etc... It's leaving this life for the unknown that has us both fearful. That being said we are afraid of the regret and missing out on the experience.

For those of you who were in a similar position, what advice would you give to a couple to help with the decision? For those of you who may still be around, are you happy with how your life changed? What did you find to be the hardest change when you became a mother/parent?

My intent is not to offend, looking for words of wisdom. Greatly appreciate any advice you can share.

 

[Nikko88]

I met my husband when I was 35. We married two years later and a year after that we had our first child. Now we are expecting our second as I approach 40.

The biggest motivator for me to commit to having children (my husband didn't have any strong feelings one way or the other) was the feeling that I might regret not trying.

Yes, it was hard. Sometimes I still reel from how different my life is when little lives requiring more of me than I sometimes had. There are stressful moment, but I don't regret the decision.

Watching my daughter grow and develop into a little person has been an unparalleled experience. I'm a scientist by education and am fascinated by how she is constantly changing. I've never felt so much love for my daughter, son on the way and my husband.

I still get overwhelmed. I still wish I had more time to myself. I still can't wait until the kids are old enough to keep up with the outdoor activities that mean so much to my husband and I. I still experience tremendous frustration with my husband and my roll as mother.

But I've also learned so much about myself and what I am capable of. It really has changed me as a person and I don't regret the things I may have put on the back burner in the short-term. Too soon our children will be off to school then college and their own lives.

 

[Jenny Bean]

Travelseeker,

I had my little girl a few days before I turned 39, unlike you I didn't have that much solo time with my husband before we welcomed this little one. She was conceived on our honeymoon and I feel blessed everyday that I have her in my life. And yes a lot of things have changed but we had decided that, we don't have many nights out or any vacations coming up but there are lots of people who do so many things with they little babies. I am a bit nervous taking her on a plane but there is no reason a baby can hamper those experiences it might just take a bit of planning. I so much want a second baby but it does get tougher, so they say, as you age so I hope I am blessed to have a second one before too much time has passed.

Listen to you heart, if you are having any thought of having a baby I think you owe it to yourself to explore that avenue because you might regret it down the line.

 

[Travelseeker]

Thank-you Nikki88 and Jenny Bean for your feedback. I'm decided to focus on all of the good things that will change in our life as a result of a little one entering our world. I keep thinking about all of the things I am giving up and if course it will rock my world but I need to think of all of the things I would gain too.

I appreciate the honesty!

 

[mrsj13]

Hi Travelseeker,

I'm 36 y/o and due this December. I met my hubby at 34 and married this January 2016. When we found out about the pregnancy in April, the feelings were mixed. I was not over the moon, not half as excited as my other friends were while announcing theirs. This confused me too, since having a baby was always on the cards for me.

Unfortunately, I lost my mom about 6 years back and it was hard for me to confide to anyone about my lack for enthusiasm, as it felt as if I was not appreciating what has been gifted to me. At the time I felt all my independence was gone for good, times that we were supposed to spend together, eating out, taking trips, were all gone down the drain.

My first trimester and a good part of the second was a nightmare with severe sickness, which led me to believe I will never regain normalcy again. Only oasis to the desert was my awesome hubby, who stood like a rock, handling everything single handedly. When people who married around the same time as us were enjoying life to the fullest, I was in the toilet, throwing up

I felt joy for the first time when the baby kicked and kicked a little more, then we saw the little hands and fingers and the tiny body during scan. I became a mother overnight...just like that.

I now look forward to meeting this little person, twisting and turning inside me, make memories that will include the three of us. It's not the life I had dreamt of, but perhaps the life I'm destined to have...and I feel at peace with that.

Best of luck to you