Feeling so many levels of guilty.

[BethMaassen]

Throughout my second pregnancy, I expected there were going to be some major changes. For me. For my husband, and for my daughter.
My daughter is 20 months old, and I just had her little sister two weeks ago(as of tomorrow).

And as expected Athiliya is acting out quite a bit, but is adjusting well to her new sister. She even gets on her tip toes to peek over the side of the bassinet to look at Moira when she fusses. It's adorable. The one thing though, is she can not handle sharing me with Moira. Especially when it comes to breastfeeding. She get particularly naughty when I am breastfeeding Moira. I can understand, because until two weeks ago, she was the only one who was breastfed.

I honestly can handle that. But what I can't handle is no matter how much I try to tell myself otherwise. I feel as if I am ignoring Athiliya. I feel like she is going to feel like I no longer love her. Or I love Moira more.
There has been a few time where she sees me grab Moira's nursing pillow, and she grabs her blanket and starts to make her way to me.. and then I pick up Moira. And you can see it in her face, she's absolutely crushed. I about broke down right there.
Then there is my husband (you will not hear me speak well of him, ever) He had the audacity to tell me while I was struggling with keeping up with both Athiliya AND Moira while laying in the hospital bed hours ofter my cesarean. "I guess she will be hanging out with me more often because you won't have the time"
(DO not ASK why I am still with him, it is a long story)

I feel so horrible, and all I do is cry when I think about this, I love my baby, and I don't want our tight bond to break.

And then there is my poor Moira. Because of Athiliya, I have to keep her in her bassinet when I am not changing her,nursing her, or cuddling her. Athiliya is too rowdy and rambunctious if I held her on my lap like I did for Athiliya in her early infancy, she would probably get hurt. And because of this I feel like I must love Moira less, and feel so badly for her because her sister got so much attention. I want to pull her onto my lap and hold her for hours on end. Or lay her in a co-sleeper next to me... But I know if I did, Athiliya may come down full force on that little body, and I can't even imagine what would happen then.
And of course we have that husband of mine, who has told me twice how I kept Athiliya on my lap pretty much 24/7.....


I don't know what to do. I feel so horrible for these girls. I don't want them to feel like i love one more than the other.

 

[Button#]

It's still so early and your hormones will still be going crazy and making everything worse. I think most mums feel like this with their second and it's normal and understandable. It will get better as you settle into a new routine and as the new baby gets older it will get easier. I had all these feelings at the start but now me and OH barely get a look in as DS and DD only want to play together. They have a wonderful bond and laugh non stop when they are together.

A good tip I read about is to have a breastfeeding box for the older one. A box of special toys/activities that only comes out when you are feeding the baby. Also do you have a sling so you can wear the baby while playing with the older one? Stretchy wraps are great for this, I was running around the park with DS while DD napped in the stretchy wrap.

 

[Teri7489]

Its very early days and all I will say, it will all come together. I have a 22 month gap between my kids and the first few weeks were really emotional. I too breastfeed and had a section so needed to take a little extra care to begin with. Initially I used to encourage my toddler to come sit beside me. I made sure she was sat on the sofa with either some books, a teddy and popped a TV show on she likes. I could then sit and feed my son whilst cuddling my daughter. She felt loved and I got time with my newborn. As I got more mobile and better at feeding I I did more with her while feeding. My daughter goes to bed at 7 and I kept that routine going. I still sit with her while she goes to sleep. I take her to bed half hour before sleep time for some one to one cuddles, then tuck her in and play with her hair til she falls asleep. I then have the evening with my son. You will find a routine, your hormones will settle I promise. It just takes a little time.

And as for my husband, I pretend he doesn't exsist most of the time. He helps so littlr he may as well be! Cxxx

 

[zorak]

Like others have said your hormones are everywhere. I too had a section and breastfed with a twenty one month age gap.

I encouraged my eldest to sit close beside me when feeding and he'd snuggle and we'd read.

To help with my eldest feeling insecure we moved his toddler bed back into our room. It really helped him because he could see baby was asleep in the bassinet and not our bed.

I also explained as much as possible and got him to help look after the baby by fetching things, patting baby on the back etc.

So I'd try not to separate baby from your toddler, your toddler needs to be given the chance to learn how to behave around and look after baby.

My youngest is now about 7 months abd everything is great. The boys play together a little and my eldest is very protective. He's always shushing people when baby is asleep.

 

[zorak]

I wish I knew how to upload a picture to make you feel better. At the moment I have both boys taking a nap on me. The baby even has his head on his brothers shoulder.

 

[Embo78]

You have just described my life perfectly right there (apart from the husband!)

The way I'm dealing with my guilt is by keep repeating to myself "this is temporary" once I'm in a routine things will settle down. It helps when I include Max in taking care of Benji. Like patting his back to burp him (he loved doing this) and putting the nappies in the bin. His little face lights up when my Dh and I praise him up

 

[BethMaassen]

It's still so early and your hormones will still be going crazy and making everything worse. I think most mums feel like this with their second and it's normal and understandable. It will get better as you settle into a new routine and as the new baby gets older it will get easier. I had all these feelings at the start but now me and OH barely get a look in as DS and DD only want to play together. They have a wonderful bond and laugh non stop when they are together.

A good tip I read about is to have a breastfeeding box for the older one. A box of special toys/activities that only comes out when you are feeding the baby. Also do you have a sling so you can wear the baby while playing with the older one? Stretchy wraps are great for this, I was running around the park with DS while DD napped in the stretchy wrap.

Good tip! I will see if I can put one of those for her.
I don't have a wrap or a sling. I wish I had, but they are so expencive.

 

[BethMaassen]

Its very early days and all I will say, it will all come together. I have a 22 month gap between my kids and the first few weeks were really emotional. I too breastfeed and had a section so needed to take a little extra care to begin with. Initially I used to encourage my toddler to come sit beside me. I made sure she was sat on the sofa with either some books, a teddy and popped a TV show on she likes. I could then sit and feed my son whilst cuddling my daughter. She felt loved and I got time with my newborn. As I got more mobile and better at feeding I I did more with her while feeding. My daughter goes to bed at 7 and I kept that routine going. I still sit with her while she goes to sleep. I take her to bed half hour before sleep time for some one to one cuddles, then tuck her in and play with her hair til she falls asleep. I then have the evening with my son. You will find a routine, your hormones will settle I promise. It just takes a little time.

And as for my husband, I pretend he doesn't exsist most of the time. He helps so littlr he may as well be! Cxxx

I have pulled Athiliya on to my lap a few times while I nursed her sister. Today when I did it she reached over and smacked Moira on the face. Needless to say I made her get down. I don't know what I am going to do. She does not mean it viciously. she is just so rough. She is like this with our cats too. I am trying to teach her hitting is not good

Seeing as I still nurse her, I will tandem nurse them. especially at bed time. She falls asleep staring at her sister. and I think it is super cute.

I hope my hormones will settle sooner than later. The guilt really does a number on me. I try not to blame myself because I keep hearing it is normal.

My husband too. I am two weeks out from a cesarean, and I am doing everything for the girls. And my brother is doing everything to take care of me, and help me keep Athiliya fed. While he sits at his PC and gets pissy over every little thing. He is so close to out the door, and he knows it.

 

[BethMaassen]

Like others have said your hormones are everywhere. I too had a section and breastfed with a twenty one month age gap.

I encouraged my eldest to sit close beside me when feeding and he'd snuggle and we'd read.

To help with my eldest feeling insecure we moved his toddler bed back into our room. It really helped him because he could see baby was asleep in the bassinet and not our bed.

I also explained as much as possible and got him to help look after the baby by fetching things, patting baby on the back etc.

So I'd try not to separate baby from your toddler, your toddler needs to be given the chance to learn how to behave around and look after baby.

My youngest is now about 7 months abd everything is great. The boys play together a little and my eldest is very protective. He's always shushing people when baby is asleep.

I thought about moving Athiliya back into our room, to sleep in her playpen. Except, she wakes really easy when Moira start to cry. SO I decided it was best for both of us for her to continue to sleep in her own room.

Athiliya does spend all day every day with me and her sister (and father, if it means anything, seeing as he stares at his PC all day)

I am told stories from my mother from when I and my sister were babies. (we are 15 months apart) where I would try to kill her, obviously not with no actual malice intent. We were always so tight. Attached at the hip. I am sure my girls will be so close as time goes on.

I am going to include Athiliya as much as possible, and try to explain to her the best I can about everything. She still doesn't understand so much.

 

[BethMaassen]

You have just described my life perfectly right there (apart from the husband!)

The way I'm dealing with my guilt is by keep repeating to myself "this is temporary" once I'm in a routine things will settle down. It helps when I include Max in taking care of Benji. Like patting his back to burp him (he loved doing this) and putting the nappies in the bin. His little face lights up when my Dh and I praise him up

That's great Embo!
I have no idea how to do this with Athiliya because she understands so little right now. I think as time goes by she will understand more. And be able to help out some.

 

[Bebedeux]

I was the same. And bottom line it. It's your husband not being supportive. My husband is only home 6days a month. He can't cope.

DS was an absolute goat when we bought DD home he used to jump beside me on the bed and just be rowdy.
He's allot better now, it does get better.
I'm such an anti man. But there f**king useless DH is that stupid he'd call me into the next room to pick something up off the floor for him because he's holding the baby. He comes home and gets ate from the second he wakes to sleep.

It does get easier I promise. Can you get a little outside help??

 

[BethMaassen]

I was the same. And bottom line it. It's your husband not being supportive. My husband is only home 6days a month. He can't cope.

DS was an absolute goat when we bought DD home he used to jump beside me on the bed and just be rowdy.
He's allot better now, it does get better.
I'm such an anti man. But there f**king useless DH is that stupid he'd call me into the next room to pick something up off the floor for him because he's holding the baby. He comes home and gets ate from the second he wakes to sleep.

It does get easier I promise. Can you get a little outside help??

I am so close to anti-man, it's not even funny. Which is sad, because I know there are men out there who are supportive and helpful.

I did go stay with my doula for 3 days last week, I ended up coming home NYE because they all caught a stomach virus. Her teens were an absolute delight chasing Athiliya around and playing with her all day, so much so they were absolutely knackered by supper time. Then my doula (she is also my friend) and her mom both would take Moira and burp her and snuggle her for hours at a time, giving me so much "me time" I got lonely and missed both my babies.

We live with my mom and my brother, my mom is terminally ill, and my brother is well, one of those self-entitled little jerks.. But my brother has really stepped up and fetches me food and drink and will get Athiliya food. Except yesterday, I got tired of his attitude, and ran up and down the stairs doing it myself. Which was a bad decision on my part. My incision and back are really killing me today.

My husband is beyond useless at this point in the past two weeks time he has held our newborn daughter 4 times, 3 of the times he was practically forced to and the last time I made him do it as I dried off from a failed attempt to shower.