Feeling so sad but then I feel guilty!

[PrincessTaz]

Hiya guys.

I've not posted much in the ltttc boards this time but I feel that this is where I belong again now.

My ds took 5 longs years to conceive and 3 rounds of clomid are what finally helped. God that was a long and hard struggle and after a loss after my first round of clomid I really worried I'd never be a parent and that was heart braking for me.

After I had my ds I felt for a long time that if I only had the one I wouldn't mind because I was beyond blessed to have him and any more would just be a massive bonus. Then when my ds was 15 months old I got a very surprise bfp as we wernt ttc and had only BD once! I was so happy and realised how much I did want another a a sibling for my ds but sadly I had a mmc and found out at 10 week scan baby had does at 7 weeks. I was destroyed.

Roll on 20 months from them and we've been trying since, I had 3 rounds of clomid earlier this year and another early mc after the third round. My fertility specialist won't prescribe me anymore now as I've put on a lot of weight. Over a stone in a few months. He has given me Metformin though and I have an appointment next month to check weight which is nowhere near.

I'm so sad some days I feel like maybe I should just give up and it's now meant to be. I can't even look at my pregnancy pictures or ds newborn pics without feeling dad and depressed that I'll never get to experience that again and ds might never have a brother or sister. But then I feel so guilty because some women haven't even had that and may never get to and I know how scary that was. Why can't I just be fulfilled with what I have? I know I am so so blessed and I love my ds to the moon and back. I'm just getting to the ppint now where I feel like I'm being consumed.

Doesn't help that this cycle I've just had a massive temp rise but no BD as oh is poorly so it's another month gone with no chance of a bfp.

 

[k4th]

I just wanted to send a I'm so sorry for your losses.

I know those feelings you describe well - we ttc #2 for 2 years and I struggled to look at pics of dd when she was little.

I hope you get your rainbow soon

 

[Braven05]

Hugs to you. I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. I've been TTC Baby #2 for over 3 years now with no luck and no one is willing to help me because of my weight. Plus we don't have good insurance. I feel hopeless and depressed most of the time, though I try to smile and carry on for my family.

The thought of never carrying another baby or never nursing another baby hurts my heart so bad. My husband doesn't understand the extent of what I'm going through. He's got 2 other kids from a previous marriage and he's so happy with life right now. I resent him for it. I don't make it through a single day without crying.

I'm 35 years old and feel like if I don't have any hopes of things looking better by my next birthday, I should just give up. I don't know how to do that though.

I experience a lot of guilt too and I can definitely relate to what you're feeling. I feel so so lucky to have my daughter and I know some people don't get that much. It is a different kind of pain though, because we've experienced it and we know what we may be losing.

I hope you are able to get what you're looking for. In the meantime, know that you're not alone.

 

[PrincessTaz]

K4th thank you, it's really means a lot. Seeing it happened for you after all that time gives me hope I'm not a lost cause x

Braven05 I'm so sorry you're going through this and with no help. It's so frustrating! I was taking clomid but now I've put on weight I can't have anything until I've lost it and I'm really struggling. It's hard to diet when you constantly feel so crap and just end up comfort eating even though you know it's a vicious cycle!

Thank you for sharing your story with me, I'm sorry you have to go through this too. So many people don't understand how it feels, they just think you have a child so you should be content with that. I wish I could be x