Feels Like I'm Failing *BF rant*

[AutumnSky]

I'm so tired. And stressed out. I feel like I'm doing such a crap job of this being-a-mother-to-3-kids-under-the-age-of-two thing.

And let me just say - I fucking hate breastfeeding.

I'm sorry, but I do. I have been glued to the sofa/bed pretty much all day, every day for the past few days. If Oliver and Thomas aren't crying TOGETHER to be fed, its one or the other. I hate tandem feeding. It hurts, and its uncomfortable. My back is in agony from constantly having to lean forward in order to get both of them attached together. I'm going to be a hunchback by the time I'm 30, I swear.

It would be worth it, if my milk was actually satisfying them. But it isn't. I try and be stubborn and not give them the formula top-ups, but if I don't, I'm alternating feeding each baby constantly. Alternating which breast they feed from. And, to be honest, they're both now lazy feeders, because they're used to the fast flow of the bottle. They'll feed off me well for about 10 minutes, and then they'll fall asleep. So I take them off, and about 5 minutes later, they're crying again to be fed. This goes on for a couple of hours, before I give in and give them each 2-3oz of formula. And then I actually get some peace for a while, so I can get everything else that needs doing done. Cooking Jacob's tea, putting some washing on, tidying up, having a frigging wee and grabbing something to eat etc.

Its just so de-motivating to be constantly feeding, and not really seeing the benefits. They're gaining weight, which is great, but what if its just due to the top-ups? I swore to myself that I wouldn't beat myself up again if the breastfeeding didn't work, but I am so stubborn, I am refusing to give up, even though I really really want to. It would be so much easier to formula feed them. So much easier. But the guilt I felt with Jacob is still there, and I was SO determined to give it my all this time.

The hardest time is the night feed. When they're both screaming to be fed, and I have to attach them both by myself because DH is sleeping downstairs on the sofa so he can get sleep for work. I get the first baby attached, and then have to do a kind of 'kitten lift' for the 2nd twin, whereby I basically grab hold of the front of his babygro and lift him up onto my feeding cushion. And the pain I am still getting from nipples, feels 10x worse at 3am. Oliver, especially, is a chomper. I can't get him to open his mouth wide enough to attach properly.

People have suggested breastfeeding one twin and bottle feeding the other. How the hell would I choose which one gets which? I think that would give me even MORE guilt.

Maybe I could do alternate days? One twin gets breast all day, the other formula, and then switch the following day. I dunno.

I honestly don't think my milk is good enough for them. And I know why - I'm not drinking enough, and when I do find the time to eat, I eat crap. Whatever is quickest and easiest. No wonder the quality of my milk is probably shit.

And don't even get me started on my guilt with Jacob. Luckily he is so good, and is quite happy to entertain himself, but I hate knowing that he has a dirty nappy, and he has to wait because I am feeding one/both of the babies.

I just feel like I'm failing at all of this, and I don't know what to do.

 

[Alwilan]

Autumn, don't beat yourself up x x

I know they don't recommend it before 6 weeks, but if you want to carry on breastfeeding, have you thought about expressing. Once I started doing this I found I produced more satisfying milk at each feed for Lando, plus other half can help with feeding to give you 5 minutes.
But if you think you are more inclined to formula feed, just give up and stop thinking you are doing the wrong thing. The days when you first do it are by far the worst with guilt, there are so many multiple mums on here, formula feeding because breast just didn't work.

Sending you big hugs

I know I only have experience of singletons so far, and can't really comprehend what you are going through, but I'm thinking of you, and you'll probably be replying to a similar post by me in 4 months!

 

[bumpfortwo]

I feel your pain, take a step back and do what is right for you and your babies. After a happy mummy will have happier babies - well this is my lesson!

I learnt the hard lesson with DS, i spent 4 months every 2 hours breastfeeding, forever tired, hubby shattered, always in tears, baby crying for food but i thought i should not give in breast is best blah blah blah and then i just broke down and screamed thats enough. I thought it was a joke this baby was forever hungry! I felt under such pressure to breastfeed as a first time mum but enough was enough. Hubby went to the pharmacy got aptamil and I went cold turkey on breastfeeding (although mum quicky told me to at least express in the shower to reduce the supply). So anyway I put DS straight onto formula and voila a happy contented baby fed every 4 hours like f*** clockwork and then slept for at least 6 hours on the first night of being on formula. Within 2 days I was in a fantastic routine could finally go out of the house - yes breastfeeding every 2 hours meant going and doing anything became a right pain in the arse. I was never one for wapping my boobs out and feeding in public - thats just me.

I told myself then that I would never put myself through it again - i wrote it down in fact in my little baby journal! Breast is best but only if it works for you and the babies. I could never eat enough to get a good milk supply and that meant one hungry baby. I was so tired I just couldn't eat without feeling sick.

I am pregnant with the twins now and have already said If i can do 2 weeks of giving breastmilk that will be great but then it's formula, if I can do longer great but I am sure as hell not going to stress about it. Its hard enough to have a toddler and twins why I am i going to put myself through the pain of trying to breastfeed if it doesn't work out. I have a very healthy little boy who grew up just fine on formula.

As my mum always said look at what you bought into the world, you can never be a failure. We live in times where formula is as good as it can be. If you are not happy then how do you think that makes the twins, family etc

I know there may be people who talk about breast is best and try try again, but tell yourself you've tried, it hasn't worked out and quite frankly give yourself a break.

Good luck you and never EVER feel like a failure. xxx H

 

[KELLYBD]

Hi Hun

Well I think you are an amazing woman to be able to cope with what you are doing. My milk never really got going due to the twins being in SCBU and even expressing for them was achieving minimal results. I'm still expressing some but I had to give in and put them on formula as they never would have left SCBU on my reserves.

How the hell you cope during the night amazes me. I'm struggling when OH is on night's so much so I've had to have my Mum stay one night this week and call my inlaws over for this weekend as my two have only been home since Monday and have both had colds so I've got two babies who can hardly breathe at the moment and both want cuddles to fall asleep.

Stop beating yourself up, you're like Wonder Woman in my eyes!!

Take care Kel xxx

 

[LittleStars]

I know that for me I tried and tried to BF with DD but it just wasn't working, DD wasn't getting anything, the nurses had already thrust supplemental feedings into the mix before I even left the hospital and meanwhile I was in so much pain and my milk wasn't coming in. Once I realized there was blood in the milk from my extremely cracked nipples I couldn't handle it anymore and gave in to the ease of bottle feeds. I felt so guilty.. felt I had to justify it to everyone.. to this day I still do. But you know what? My DD is 5 now, strong, healthy, smart, funny as heck and beautiful. I know I shouldn't feel bad about my choice and yet... I am absolutely determined to BF with my twins this time, if only for the cost savings of not having to buy formula. That being said if I have to switch for my own sanity then despite the cost burden and guilt I will do it because it will make me a better parent for my children and that's a much better environment for a child to grow up in than having a sad, depressed, tired, frustrated and demotivated parent. You have made it nearly a month BFing, that's a real accomplishment and you should be proud instead of knocking yourself down. I think it's time to take a step back, talk with your DH (mine always helps me set my head on right when it's going screwy) and figure out what is the best decision. Best of luck!

 

[Onemoretime5]

I dont understand why you feel guilty. I tried to bf my childern it didnt go well, so i bottle fed they are healthy happy no allergies nothing wrong with them. I just dont get why women put all of this undue pressure on themselves. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. That does not make you a bad mother or a failing one. I just dont get it.