FOB ... No idea what to do now *UPDATE*

[pinkneon]

Just got a mmessage from FOB. He says he is not willing to change but has now decided that even though he doesn't want to see the baby he wants to know everything about her as she grows up ... He said that anytime she goes to the doctor I have to tell him and I have to send him photos. He doesn't want to be involved in her life yet he feels he has this right?? Do I let him? What do I do? He doesn't want to change his drinking habits or anything so I wouldn't let him near the baby on his own but I feel like if he wants to know stuff about her as she grows up ten it should only be if he sees her? Part of me still loves him, even though he treated me like dirt yet part of me feels like I can't love him because I don't want to get hurt again. Oh I don't know what to do! Any advice?

 

[anna matronic]

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?????? How can you not wanna see your kid, yet do wanna know everything about it. Doesn't make sense. Maybe so he can brag to his pals about his gorgeous daughter and show pictures around and all that.

I personally wouldn't. If he wants to know about the child then he can be actively involved.

 

[pinkneon]

Whaaaaaaaaaaat?????? How can you not wanna see your kid, yet do wanna know everything about it. Doesn't make sense. Maybe so he can brag to his pals about his gorgeous daughter and show pictures around and all that.

I personally wouldn't. If he wants to know about the child then he can be actively involved.

That's what I was thinking ... The problem is I am not very good at telling him that! As for the photo thing ... I was thinking I might send him an email and a couple of photos once a month or something. I dunno though But if I did do that he's be under VERY STRICT instructions not to show her photo to anyone - just because I don't know any of his friends and you know, there are some odd people out there and I'd want to keep her safe!

 

[teal]

I agree that if he wants to know and be kept informed then he has to be actively involved.

I'd be worried about the photos as well. Sending you huge hugs xx

 

[billy2mm]

i would tell him to do one lol

 

[pinkneon]

 

[mommy2baby2]

Guys are lame!

To an extent, be happy that he's willing to be uninvolved. Think of all the stress you (and she) will be avoiding. An unstable dad always in and out of her life. You won't have to worry about where he's taking her, who he's taking her around, what he's exposing her to...instead you will have full and complete control. I have so many single mom friends who wish their FOBs would just disappear and how so many of them hate the inconsistancies that he usually brings.

One thing though, he may not want to be involved physically but FORCE him to be involved financially. I have a friend who gets child support monthly but doesn't even see the FOB (and he choses not to see the baby).

Hope everything works out!

 

[gemabee]

i'd tell him to sod off!
its all or nothin with a child... what a selfish man he is bein!!!
xx

 

[popples]

I agree with all comments made. He is still trying to keep that little bit of control expecting you to do what suits him. He obviously feels guilty about cutting off totally however he would allow you to do all the hard graft of keeping contact. You will still have the emotional pull everytime you send a recent photograph as I'm sure you would hope he would come to his senses and then want to see his child. I'd tell him you're not prepared to accept half measures. You do what is right for you and your baby.
Take Care
X

 

[bloodbinds]

Tell him to jog on! If he wants to see her then he can come and do it with his own eyes! Idiot

 

[pinkneon]

Thanks everyone! He won't talk to me which is annoying. If I make him pay child support doesn't that give him legal rights for the baby? I just feel if he isn't going to be involved then it's not fair for my baby for him to have legal rights if anything ever happens to me ...

 

[gemabee]

depends how he pays chiild support... if he pays u directly (try to make an arrangement between urselves) as opposed to through the csa... then 'tecnically' he still doesn't have rights.
its only by him goin on the birth certificate / goin through the csa that gives him rights.
i'm makin a will to make sure that if anythin happens to me then my mum will get my lo... but even tho my ex is not named as baby's father... he could still try to make a case to have him if he wanted.
xx

 

[pinkneon]

I spoke to him today and now he is doing my head in! One minute he says he doesn't want to be involved and he won't stop his drinking and the next minute he's saying he'll move closer to me to see the baby ... He asked me if I wanted to move in with him. Realisticly (sp?) this wouldn't work cos we'd just argue all the time but in my mind it would be good for the sake of our princess and so I'd have a definate, permanant home ... Oh I don't know. He's probably not good for me yet something is making me consider it ... Any ideas what to do?

 

[gemabee]

i really don't think its a good idea to move in together... if ur gonna be arguin all the time nd generally not gettin on then thats really not gonna be good for the baby.
its quite a destructive home environment for a child tbh... trust me... i'm from a broken home!!
if he wants to move closer to u... let him.
if he wants to prove himself... let him.
but don't think he's magically changed over night... most men are incapable of that... nd u nd lo will end up more hurt if he lets u down.
u know at the back of ur mind u shouldn't be considering it... so don't!
i know its hard because u feel that this might be givin u the stability nd happiness u deserve nd need... but first bein strong by urself will give u more stability nd happiness than u can imagine.
xxxx

 

[billy2mm]

unless he is on the birth certificte he has no parental rights at all regardless of how he pays you so dont worry about that. i think its best to totally ignore him for a while till he properly decides what he wants to do unless you want to tell him no you had your chance you blew it.

 

[pinkneon]

NOW he's saying he wants a DNA test once the baby is born ... Why do men have to be so difficult?! He says he is not willing to pay child support for a child he won't see but HE DOESN;T WANT TO SEE HER! He has also said drinking is more important to him than our child ...

 

[Sandie_Cali]

OMG!! I am so sorry pink... what a jerk!!

 

[gemabee]

NOW he's saying he wants a DNA test once the baby is born ... Why do men have to be so difficult?! He says he is not willing to pay child support for a child he won't see but HE DOESN;T WANT TO SEE HER! He has also said drinking is more important to him than our child ...

ask him if he realises that the court will make him pay the £200 charge for the paternity test... then he will have to back pay all of the csa payments since baby was born??
he might stop actin like an idiot if u give him those facts!
xx

 

[LittleMadam]

Pinkneon,

You need to stop letting him mess you around. If he is not interested (and sounds as if he isn't) then stop all contact and let the CSA handle it after LO has arrived.

And definitely do NOT move in with him because if he is like this now (when you need him the most), what do you think life will be like when you add a newborn baby into the mix!? Babies strain even the healthiest of relationships.

And unless you want him to have rights to LO, you may want to consider NOT putting him on the birth certificate. Let him take you to court for the privilege. At least this way you know he really wants to be involved.

I can only give you my thoughts. Your decisions are your own, and whatever you decide, we are always here!

xxx

 

[CLH_X3]

If you put him on the birth cert he will have parental rights no matter if he is paying child support.

And it doesnt matter if he is seeing your lo or not he still has to pay, but if he doesnt pay and doesnt see your LO he still does have rights because hes on the BC