For moms of 2+ and/or horrible in laws

[mod19]

Sorry for the book in advance.

We decided this month to try for #2. Having dd was a feat in itself (2 ectopics, hsg pricedure, tube removal, 3 surgeries, lots of blood tests, etc) but after round 1 of clomid she's here and absolutely amazing. She came on the exact day of the following year the surgery was to remove the second ectopic, so to say she is a miracle is being modest.

Anyways, the first time we bd after having her I got pregnant, which ended up (forgot the word) being an empty womb with a grapefruit sized cyst. Hello suegery...again.

So for 4 pregnancies I've had 5 surgeries (dd was an emergency c section), and I have one baby.

Now, here's getting to it, hesitation #1:

I desperately wanted a boy. When we found out dd was a girl I cried...for a few days...and them felt like a horrible human being for not just being happy I was finally carrying a healthy baby. I did get over it, quite quickly actually, and embraced her. So now I don't know if I'd even want a boy seeing as how amazing dd is. I can't imagine a boy being anywhere near as cool as she is. In turn, I can't imagine even another girl being as amazing as her. How do you find room in your heart for 2, when you're so set that there isn't any? Is this normal? Or am I just a 1 kid kind of person?

Hesitation #2:

My hospital experience was horrible!!! Not the hospitals fault, dh fault. My family lives across the country and we live by his...who drive me crazy! Now, I realize #2 will be a planned c section and my parents will fly down for it knowing am exact day (I'll need them to watch dd anyways), but I don't think I can rely on dh to respect my wishes. Last time I made it clear to him that there will be no family at the hospital before she is born as they stress me out, and no one in the room for at least an hour after so we have our time. We'll the jerk called everyone and everyone came..the girl in labor for 24 hours is the only one that didn't get to sleep (water broke at midnight) for 48 hours because everyone was there and nobody would leave! After they brought us back to the room he let his whole family in right away and took my first born away from me to let everyone else hold. We were only given an hour to have her before sending her to the nicu for 4 days due to an infection, and I had her for MAYBE 10 minutes of that.

Now we've had conversations since then, but I still don't think he understands what he fully did to me.

How do I get past these two things and welcome a 2nd pregnancy?

 

[Amygdala]

Concern 1 is totally normal. I felt the exact same way before having baby 2 and everyone I've spoken to who had more than one did as well. It just happens. You don't divide your love between two, it doubles. And whether baby two is a boy or a girl, I'm sure you'll love them unconditionally. It's just that right now they're not here yet so it's difficult to imagine.

Concern 2 would bug me a lot though. I don't think I'd have a baby with someone if I wasn't sure I can count on their full support and respect. Going against your wishes like that was awful, what on earth was he thinking? Saying that, it sounds like he wasn't thinking. So I'd maybe try again to make him see how awful that situation was for you and how much you resent the birth experience you had as a result. Try not to accuse him but just tell him how you felt in the situation. Then hopefully, once this is out of the way, you can look forward to a new pregnancy.

 

[Jemsybabes]

I agree that concern #1 is totally normal. I couldn't imagine having enough love for another little human but trust me you will and your lives will be so enriched by another child, especially your daughter's! It warms my heart when i see how close my kids are to each other, they have an unbreakable bond that no one's gonna ever come between.
Re:the in laws, I've read that the way to deal with this is to make your husband feel like he's in charge (bear with me here!) Basically rather than arguing with him and trying to sway him to your way of thinking you make him feel like a king and this will then empower him to stand up to his in laws and demand some space for you guys. It does sound like weird logic but it works, men often feel very helpless and caught in the middle when their wife has issues with the ILs or vice versa so they need to feel like they're in charge in order to be able to make solid decisions!
Also how open are the lines of communication between you and your ILs? Do you feel like you could approach them directly and explain how you feel? They may not actually realise how you're feeling as husbands are not good at communicating in my experience, he's probably not even told them you didn't want visitors before the birth (not out of spite but just because of the typical male problem of not seeing a need to communicate anything ever!!)
Sorry for such a long post, it's only my opinion so not necessarily the right solution for you but I've been there and I know how hard it is

 

[mod19]

Thanks guys. It's not that I dislike them completely, they just don't stop talking...ever! Example: laying in bed having contractions and she's there watching the screen going on and on about how this one looks like a big one and it must hurt, and "look!" (To my husband, pointing at the screen) at how big it was...every single time! And his dad going on and on about whatever it is he talks about, but over and over again. Neither know how to be quiet so I never got any rest
Also, it's not just them that came, it was the whole freaking family! Aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. And not one left! I think I'm just going to have to tell the nurses this time when I want people in the room. I just wish it wouldn't get to that. Dh is great and I love him, but he's a typical male. No sensitivity there.

 

[CACH12]

Okay, So I've been looking for a post about baby #2 and horrible inlaws, because this is my life!!! I'm an only child. I LOVE being an only child, but I love pregnancy and do want another one, I think....! The I think part isn't because I don't want another, it's because of my inlaws. My DD is 3. They came to my csection, when I asked for my parents...my inlaws came in too. FIL demanded to hold her (she wasn't even in room yet!) When she did get brought in he stood over me telling me how it was his right and he wanted her NOW because he had to leave because "his stupid son didn't finish work for a customer the night before (my husband works for his parents...he didn't get home till 12 am the night before I went in at 5 to prep for csection!) I refused and neither one of them showed back up to see DD until 32 hrs later!! My inlaws have NEVER kept DD and never will as far as I'm concerned! They are abusive and make demands that are irrational! They see DD and my nephew maybe 10 times a year...We even cancelled Christmas this past year because the drama was so bad between family members. I am SO concerned about having another one because there will be two kids and only me. We do not allow DD or nephew to be out of sight with them, well if I have 2 I don't feel that I can be as protective to only one at a time. If that makes sense. I know this is allowing them to control me, but it does! At times of holidays I am on Prozac and Xanax to control my panic attacks! It's bad and it keeps getting worse.

I mean I have normal concerns too. Can I take care of 2 kids, will DD feel neglected (MY DD is AWESOME!), etc...but I fear my inlaws. So I totally understand where you are coming from. It's scary!

 

[wouldluvabub]

You WILL adore being a mother of 2!! I had the same concerns about having a second and while it was a big adjustment and took some getting used to I've loved it so much that I want another!

As for your in laws just lay down the rules yourself, that's what I did with my inlaws. I told them (was having a planned c sec) that this was what was happening and that was that. If things get to hectic just call the midwife in to get them to leave.

 

[mod19]

Cach12 I'm so sorry! We both definitely have horrible in laws, just in different ways. I don't let them watch dd either, and like you never will. Which also has me scared as I don't have much of a support base being away from my friends and family. Dd only goes to daycare when I'm at work, so needless to say I haven't gone our or done anything "adult" in over 10 months...and dd is 10 months lol. I mean it doesn't really bother me, but I'm so happy mocking Jay part 2 is out on DVD now!

Last time I didn't speak up but this time I will. My family gives people their space, especially when it comes to new babies, but dh family is all up on your business about it not caring that they are being overbearing and stressing me out. I don't think they know what they do to me since it's a culture difference and it's what they're used to, but I get so anxious if we have to go to a family function (like you) because everyone will be in my space, and they'll distract dd while I'm feeding her so then she won't eat, or my fil won't stop picking his nose and tries to teach dd to do it, plus his sister and brother don't keep their kids under control and they'll be jumping over dd and I look like the bad person telling them they will not do that again with my dd under them...oh the joys.