for those with children. Mums rules vs Dads?

[ProudMum]

I gotta rant a bit here.
My OH is alot older than me so was brought up in the old fashioned way.
My son is known for getting up out his seat and running about a bit when eating his dinner.
He has a low chair with a swingy tray thing.
Anyway, OH claims he should be made to sit at the table and not to move until his plate is clear... he also thinks my son should be brought up to ask to be excused from the dinner table..
Call me a bad mum but I dont agree with this one bit. Yes he should be sat at his table when his dinner is out but I dont think he should be ORDERED to sit there and basically remain silent.
OH says "Thats how I was raised".. I would be horrified if my son turned aroundand asked "Oh mummy, may I be excused now"- especially in his own home.
Yes at someone elses house or at school, but not in the enviroment where he is most comfortable.
Isee my son as my friend too, hes my best friend. He's a little on the spoilt side but what child isnt????
I agree with manners and all that but I dont agree with the whole "Oh mummy, may I please have a yogurt" attitude...
My son is JUST 2 years old, he's still having fun, discovering new toys, playing with older children etc etc: he's just now discovering kids tv instead of baby tv, how can he be expected to be sat at a table and taught that he must ASK to leave his seat... in a place he calls home, in HIS home..
"Mummy I've finished, can I play now" or "Mam I don't want anymore now thank you" thatr will do me just fine... "thank you mummy"
but not "May I now be excused from the table" and I definitely dont agree with making him stay there until he's cleared his plate.

Oh doesnt live with us.... thankfully.
Im not saying that kids bought up in the old fashioned way is a bad thing, if thats how they want their kids to be then thats their choice and if its what both parents agree with then great, fantastic... but its not something i'd personally do with my son. Theres manners and theres going over the top manners.
My poor little boy has only just learnt to say "ta mummy" after he's given something...
(off topic, should there be random letters stuck in between words... its because my laptop keys are sticking)

 

[ladypotter]

we play bad cop good cop at our house too. MY DH is the nice one, I am bad cop. I don't expect my 6yr old to even be so polite. To a point, yes...but she can barely sit still period, let alone trying to MAKE her!! haha...Don't know if I can help you much because we have similiar problems at our house (that are about to get exxagerated by two more kids!!!)

 

[hypnorm]

sorry I agree with your OH, my son sits at the table until eveyone has finished and then asks if he can get down, its just polite.
Something i would have done my self too, he certainly is not allowed to run arouns during meal times.
He is allowed to talk but not with his mouthfull, and not to be silly.

I think it is important to instill good manners right from the start, my kids get nothing unless they ask politely, that was i know that if they behave well at meal times at hoe i know i will be able to trust them when they have meals else where to.

What if you go to a restaurant and your little on starts running around during the meal... there will be some cheesed off people.
I know you want him to be your friend, but you also need to have his respect too.

Manners these days are becoming a minority.... wouldnt class my self as old... only 32.

 

[ProudMum]

Im not saying NOT to have manners-
when my son is elsewhere he does sit still, when hes at nursery hes sat down lovely with the other children but he's known to be a bit up and down in the house tho...
Its only me and him in the house and sometimes I dont fancy eating when he does, so say at 12 he has lunch etc: and Im sat reading a magazine or tidy up a little, I wouldnt expect him to ask to be excused- not in the way OH describes it anyway.
"Mummy i've finished can I go and play now" yes, fine.... thats great but not "Mummy may I be excused" and me saying "no not til thats eaten"
Thats dreadful in my opinion...
Im facing feeding issues at the moment with my son and the terrible twos and its just me dealing with it- all I want is for my son to eat something,ANYTHING for now.... even if it means sitting on my lap and feeding him or having pretend picnics on the floor to make it fun for him.
Im sure you've all been there with your kids when they wouldnt eat... would you still tell them they're not to move until their food was eaten up? because they'd be there all night.
I TOTALLY agree with manners, dont get me wrong..

 

[ProudMum]

we play bad cop good cop at our house too. MY DH is the nice one, I am bad cop. I don't expect my 6yr old to even be so polite. To a point, yes...but she can barely sit still period, let alone trying to MAKE her!! haha...Don't know if I can help you much because we have similiar problems at our house (that are about to get exxagerated by two more kids!!!)

know the feeling...
mine is up and down and not eating cant think of anything worse at the moment.
Terrible 2's eh??

 

[hypnorm]

I wouldn't expect him to sit at the table for lunch, i mean evening main meals.

We have always been strict with what he eats, we wont force him to eat everything unless we know he is messing about, and often he will ask for something to eat once he has had his tea when he hasnt eaten it all.
He gets what we have - no other options, we always ask him to try something if it s new or if he is being really difficult, get him to eat at least 5 spoonfuls, even if it takes 30 mins he will eat what we have asked of him, and if he messes around at meal times he will get sent to the stairs.

 

[ProudMum]

I wouldn't expect him to sit at the table for lunch, i mean evening main meals.

We have always been strict with what he eats, we wont force him to eat everything unless we know he is messing about, and often he will ask for something to eat once he has had his tea when he hasnt eaten it all.
He gets what we have - no other options, we always ask him to try something if it s new or if he is being really difficult, get him to eat at least 5 spoonfuls, even if it takes 30 mins he will eat what we have asked of him, and if he messes around at meal times he will get sent to the stairs.

See my little lad doesnt know what naughty corners etc are yet... and if I was to put him in his room he would probably enjoy it.
I tried putting him in my room and shutting the door on one occasion, i was stood behind the door saying "are you going to be a good boy then" but as soon as he was out that room he was back to normal.
My health visitor claims my son wont eat because he has too many options but because I just wanna see my son eat i'd do anything and cook anything for him..
we're still exploring favourite foods and dislikes at the moment and when you have a child who refuses to eat you just want whats best- you dont want to make them sit at a table and force them to clear the plate
my OH just doesnt understand. He isnt here...

 

[chocolate]

Hiya, its hard isnt it.
I think an in between for us - my son is only 18 months but I am trying to teach him about having respect for us as parents and really want him to have good manners.

I will always say thank you for dinner to whoever cooked it, where as my oh wont, I think that's bad manners.
I also think getting down from the table before everyone else has finnished is bad manners, but I do this myself now to get a headstart in the kithen! But when ds is older then Id like us to all sit at the table together and not for my oh to sit on the sofa in front of the tv!
My oh will quite happily sit at the table and release his wind when at home or at his mums, but I think that's rude, even if you are at home!

But I think you have to find a middle ground, unless there is a partcular area that you really wont budge on. (I will not meet my oh half way as I will not accept my ds when he is older, farting at the table!)

I think your saying 'thank you', or 'can I get down now please' is quite acceptable and a middle ground.



I do think that children now a days, have a lot less simple boundaries, such as manners, and I think that can contribute to troubles later on for some children.
I know that with my son, if I keep on top of simple rules, it makes things easier for him, he knows what is accepted and what isn't, and doesnt push things too much.
But I also think that its a fine line and I could easily become a bit too strict, so I have to reason things out, and see it from my sons point of view.

Im 25, and was brought up to just have general manners, please, thank you, to say excuse me and be respectful, and I want the same for my son.

 

[bek74]

I agree with your OH mostly. I do expect my children to sit while eating, it's not play time and when they were little if they got up, dinner was removed and they were put to bed (after the rules were made very clear). My children will sit with us, and we will all talk and chat about what has happened throughout the day, and once they have finished they don't have to stay, they may have homework to catch up on, but my children always say " thanks for dinner mum, is it ok if I leave?" usually they are enjoying the family time and conversation they choose to stay and be apart of it even after they are finsihed.

yes my children have to ask if they can have something, " mum may I please have that last yoghurt in the fridge" it is just poilte in my opinion. My children have a shelf in the cupboard that they can grab snacks from whenever they want without asking, yet they always say " mum is it ok if I gave some biscuits" (or something).

It maybe there home, but manners are manners.

This is JMO and everyone raises their children differently, but I think alot of children these days get away with blue murder and just aren't polite and considerate (not refering to ur son, he is 2), nothing wrong with instilling some good old fashioned rules and manners. Seeing my boys so loving, so polite, I am proud of them.
My children are now 13yrs, 11yrs and 9yrs

 

[bek74]

My health visitor claims my son wont eat because he has too many options but because I just wanna see my son eat i'd do anything and cook anything for him..
we're still exploring favourite foods and dislikes at the moment and when you have a child who refuses to eat you just want whats best- you dont want to make them sit at a table and force them to clear the plate
my OH just doesnt understand. He isnt here...

I wouldn't be giving him so many options, I also don't believe in force feeding. If your son isn't eating something because he REALLY does like it, then he doesn't like it. I personaly don't like tomatoe and wouldn't like to be forced to eat them on a sandwich. However if your son isn't eating it because he just doesn't feel like it then that is not ok. I would remove his dinner and excuse him from the table. I wouldn't offer him anything else, later when he is hungry again I will offer back his dinner and will continue doing it until he ate it, or was in bed.

My youngest son has a form of Autism and was horrible when it come to eating, how I got him to try new things and enjoy his food was to get him involved in preparing it.
So if i was cooking mashed potatoes, I would let him wash them, I would then peel and chop them up and place them into a bowl, he would get them from the bowl and place them into COLD pot. I would then cook them, drain them and put them into a bowl and allow him to help mash them up.
I would do the same thing with the veges, I allowed him tastes test while I cooked and we would giggle and it would be fun and he enjoyed it.
Then I would get him to help me set the table (no sharp knifes) etc. It really got him involved, and he was only around 2 when he was doing this, he is now 9 and still loves to get involved in not only preparing the foods but the weekly menu.

I would give him the breakfast he enjoys and a lunch you know he will eat and I would focus on " this isn't a resturant and this is your dinner" rule at night. You know isn't going to starve, he ate breakfast and lunch.

Again this is JMO.... it worked for my son, so just sharing my experience

 

[hypnorm]

really good advice there bek.

Also the change 4 life thing that they have on tv has some good ideas about ME size meals.


Also rather than giving him a load of options, why not just have three things on his dinner plate just really small portions and when he tries some or eats the lot then go mad with the praise.
Don't bribe with puddings as this can back fire.

 

[Loki]

sorry i agree with your oh, my son sits at the table until eveyone has finished and then asks if he can get down, its just polite.
Something i would have done my self too, he certainly is not allowed to run arouns during meal times.
He is allowed to talk but not with his mouthfull, and not to be silly.

I think it is important to instill good manners right from the start, my kids get nothing unless they ask politely, that was i know that if they behave well at meal times at hoe i know i will be able to trust them when they have meals else where to.

What if you go to a restaurant and your little on starts running around during the meal... There will be some cheesed off people.
I know you want him to be your friend, but you also need to have his respect too.

Manners these days are becoming a minority.... Wouldnt class my self as old... Only 32.

amen

 

[kelly2903]

im the rule maker in my house even for oh's children when they come on a weekend.....my oh is too soft and i have rules set... im not harsh or old fashioned and i certainly agree a 2 yr is just having fun and i dont believe in the kids asking for food or a drink no way this this there home and get what you like with certain limits as oh's kids are teenagers and they come weekend and eat me out of house an home i mean all the crisp all the biscuits and all the yogurts anything easy its gone.... so they do get a tellin off for that as lilly is here all week and they need to leave snakcy things for her two... while there at there mums.... and besides if they are hungry they should have proper food.... i dont think thats harsh do you lol xx

 

[TrishyC]

I think you also need to take into consideration the child's own character. Some kids are just more quiet and they will listen more at different ages. We aren't training mice so there can't be just one system imho.
I empathise with you PM, cos my OH is a little more "sit down" while eating and I am a little more of "well, as long as she eats!" And my DD is 4!
My brother has a 7yr old who is a perfect polite angel at the table and in general, but at a younger age they were more flexible and decided that she would calm down when it was time, which she did... so I am trying the same approach. I hate to see kids reprimanded when they are so enjoying themselves (and not hurting anyone else, of course!).
As everyone has said tho - each to his own!
Gd Lk PM!

 

[bunnyg82]

Oh dear, I think I am gonna be quite strict! I do actually agree to some extent with your OH! Maybe that is because I was brought up in a very similar manner.

I would absolutely expect my child to ask me for stuff and not just take it - like your example of the yoghurt - otherwise where else are they going to learn!? I was always expected to ask to be excused and actually I don't mind this idea, as when you are going out for a meal with friends, you wouldn't expect to just get up and walk away from the table and I think that it's good to teach your kids stuff like this as soon as is suitable. Eating at the table is a very social thing and I would want to encourage my child to stay with us for as long as possible - but not in silence. This is one thing that happened with us as a child and now I find it incredibly hard to have conversations with friends while eating out. So I would try and interact with my child and involve them with the discussions. On the other hand, I know that expecting a very young child to stay still for a long time would be difficult. But, certainly as they get older, I would be encouraging this.

I think it's just about getting the right balance and trying to teach your child about life and stuff - I hope I have made sense
there!! x

EDIT: Oops I just re-read the title and you were asking those people that have kids - sorry, I know my post is not a post from experience with kids, but I do believe my experience as a child has helped me form my opinion of how I would like to parent my child

 

[bek74]

On the other hand, I know that expecting a very young child to stay still for a long time would be difficult. But, certainly as they get older, I would be encouraging this.

I agree, when they are young they don't want to finish their meal and sit there while mum and dad chat for ages, at 2yrs of age when mine were finished eating, they would ask to leave the table and that was perfectly OK, it is unrealistic to expect a 2yr old to sit there for a long period of time, however as long as they are eating, they are expected to be sitting. Now that they are older, they want to stay and join in the family conversation and baiting of their father LOL LOL, and with all the chatter and laughing, they still ask to leave the table before standing and always place their plates in the sink.

 

[fluffyblue]

In my house im the boss - dads the walkover ESPECIALLY where the little blue eyed blonde haired 8 year old comes into it, she just smiles and he melts !!

 

[gina8177]

On the other hand, I know that expecting a very young child to stay still for a long time would be difficult. But, certainly as they get older, I would be encouraging this.

I agree, when they are young they don't want to finish their meal and sit there while mum and dad chat for ages, at 2yrs of age when mine were finished eating, they would ask to leave the table and that was perfectly OK, it is unrealistic to expect a 2yr old to sit there for a long period of time, however as long as they are eating, they are expected to be sitting. Now that they are older, they want to stay and join in the family conversation and baiting of their father LOL LOL, and with all the chatter and laughing, they still ask to leave the table before standing and always place their plates in the sink.

I agree with this. One thing I definitely don't agree with is the idea of "eating everything off your plate". This was enforced by my mom and it taught me to overeat versus eat until you are full. To this day I have issues with portion control. It also created lots of bad memories of me being forced to eat things I couldn't stand out of fear. My mom was a little crazy/cruel though, she is the last person on earth anyone should want to model motherhood as. I remember my little brother would get full and not want to eat anymore, she would force him and he would sit there with food in his mouth for hours (and I am not exageratting) and my mom would not stop until he finished.

 

[wannabemamma]

We're pretty young, but we'll be with your OH I'm afraid. i was brought up to me an active member of the family at meals (chat etc), but certainly i was expected to eat what I was given on the whole (we were given sensible child sized portions so over eating wasn't an issue), not sing, read, get up/run around etc (and that still is the case now, no phones, getting up etc) and I would ask to get up. Because it is how I was brought up (as was DH) that is what I see as normal. All it left me with was knowledge of how to behave, I certainly don't see it as uptight or whatever. We also had to ask if we could have snacks etc outside of meals. Water etc was fine, but part of that was obviously making sure we ate the right stuff. As a child we don't know what is good/bad/quantities etc so it is important that there is some control.

Each to their own though!

 

[Cinnamon]

Well, I don't have kids yet but I do have a very firm opinion about manners. To me manners is asking permission to eat snacks, I remember I used to ask "can I have a bag of crisps" and mum used to answer yes or no if it was too close to dinner time. Also I had to eat what was on my plate, a normal size portion for my age and that was it. No options and that is how I eat almost everything without being picky. I only remember once having to sit in front of my plate, because I honestly didn't like it, now I do, which means I learnt to like it. I've read it's a good idea to give a certain food 10 times, and if you still don't like it, then you don't like it. Also, if you don't like it at first, then I'd say OK, 3 spoonfulls, and praise at the end. Each time, then it might go up if they like it. Textures and different tastes or smells are hard to get used to for children, but it's the only way to learn to eat a healthy balanced diet, and not only things drenched in sauces or with additives that make them extra tasty - i.e. hamburgers and pizza.

I was allowed to talk at the table, not with my mouth full, and I appreciate it as I was encouraged to talk about my day and not focus on food, food, food. That way you make it a habbit to eat what you have and enjoy it.

I also remember some little girls I used to take care of when I was a teenager and their mum used to say they were allowed to have something peckish like nutella on toast or something for tea, but they also had to eat something healthy, like a piece of fruit or a youghurt. I think I might go by that too for tea and breakfast.

Last but not least, my SIL is 12 and I go crazy when I see how they baby her, she messes around during lunch, maybe dancing or goes and puts her music on, doesn't even stay all lunch, which isn't that long and she's at an age. Her mum also cuts her food up for her even omelette or chicken and smoothes her sauce down before she eats it. That's when she eats the same as us, which isn't normal, normally she gets pizza or take away chicken and the rest of us eat what is cooked. I know the rest of the week she must eat stew and stuff, but I'm sure she gets away with not eating veggies, fruit etc, if it's not blended or in a juice she wont have it. She also has stomach issues and I'm not surprised if she can eat what she wants. The only good thing is she does ask permission to take a snack, but prob just after eating as she doesn't eat what she doesn't want. She is very spoilt and it will be hard for that to change as she isn't used to it from the beggining. I know feeding is a very big issue, but kids learn very quickly where their parents week spot is and take advantage. IMO it takes some time to teach them manners at the table but then they come naturally and last forever.

I now even cook fish, and I used to make such a big deal about it (mostly because of the bones) but it is important and therefor they will be on my kids plates same as mine.

I am of the oppinion that if kids new what was best for them, they wouldn't need us, that's why we are the parents and they are the children. Play time is play time, and meal time is meal time. Boundries are necessary and children look for them playing up if they are not clear.