Friend with an out of control pre-k

[Terangela]

With anything else I can be completely honest and tell or say anything to my friend. She is a great person but really making a mess when it comes to parenting her DD. The girl is out of control and honestly the only thing that is the issue is inconsistency, not following through or making idol threats. What child is going to believe and how can she follow through with this "If you scream again you are going to your room for the rest of the day!" said at 2pm in the afternoon to a 4 1/2 year old who has never spent more than 4 min in a time out? Sure enough the child screams and what is said? "Is that screaming I am hearing? Do you need to go to your room?". Then followed by 5 min later another scream "I asked you to stop. Now stop.".

My thing is she is having escalating issues with this child with the behavior. Not listening to what she is asked to do (by anyone, teachers, coaches, parents...), doing a number of things that she shouldn't (took a tub of diaper cream and smeared it on her walls, the week before it was lip stick, then she runs off in stores and hits and pushes other kids... I know the child has a strong will, but she said something she couldn't follow through with and wouldn't anyway. Then let the behavior continue. She has read umteen parenting books and continues to do this kind of stuff. Then she asks me what I do with my kids as they aren't out of control and listen to me. I have told her things I do and explained it isn't easy and I have to continue to follow through and it they go in a time out 20 times in a day to learn the lesson they always know they will have a consequence for their action. She tends to start to see something work and then thinks problem solved and stops doing it. Then is confused when the behavior returns with a vengeance. She doesn't understand you have to do it forever even if it is hard.

Do I bite my lip and just be an encourager and keep modeling my parenting or do I say that it is the inconsistency, idol threats and lack of follow through that is the issue. Her parents keep buying her parenting books and telling her she can't handle her kids and recently when she had a miscarriage her parents sat her down and said to her and her hubby "Maybe this was God's way of telling you since you can't handle the ones you have that you shouldn't have another". How harsh was that? I never would have said it, but when she said she wants 4 and is going to TTC #3 I thought what a mistake. I honestly think she needs to get her sassy, bully of a child that is being kicked out of dance class and the parents had to go to the preschool for a meeting about her behavior in class (not listening, hitting at teachers who ask her to go back to her area...)

I know kids are different with their parents than with someone else, but recently I had her for an afternoon and she was in time out more than not, but I also didn't allow her to act like she does at home. She got in my van and a mosquito followed and she was screaming and telling me to get the bug out it was going to hurt her. To which my reply was "Stop screaming now, the mosquito is not going to hurt you. So sit nicely and no screaming." She stopped and I kept driving. The parents would have pulled over and shooed the bug out of the vehicle as the mom told me about doing that on the highway for a small black fly.

So, advise please. I think my DD is going to have to stop playing with her DD as my poor little girl is really effected by it all. Today she made a wish before blowing on a dandelion head and this is what she said "I wish I had friends that didn't hit or push me!" with the next one she said "I wish I had friends that are nice to me and played nice." My heart sunk and realized that it is really hurting my DD's feelings. I don't want her to feel like her friends are mean and hit and push her all the time when it is just the one.

 

[Terangela]

Anyone have an idea as to what I should do?

 

[Sophist]

Hmmm, I think its a bit sticky any time you are frustrated by someone else's parenting. Unless you asks you for advice, you know? It's almost certain you will lose a friend by approaching her about it in a general way or where you confront her parenting.

I think in your shoes I would probably be a little more vocal, without being critical of your friend--just being matter of fact and clear about what is happening. If she's playing at your house and her mom isn't there, when she breaks the rules say, "sorry honey, we don't act that way. If you can't act nice we will have to call your mommy to come get you." And then follow through, and do explain to your friend why the play date ended early. She will quickly learn the rules at your house at least.

I wouldn't be jumping up and down to schedule more play dates though. Next time your friend asks why you don't get together as much, be honest but tactful and say something like, "It's really hard on DD because it hurts her feelings to be pushed and teased. Once (name) outgrows this phase we would love to try again." Maybe this would be clear but subtle enough that there is a problem.

 

[Terangela]

Thanks, you have given me the words I wanted to say and know that it is alright.

My friend asks me all the time for advise or what I do in situations. The problem is I follow through and am consistent and then with my friend she tries it, it works and then she gets lazy when it gets hard to keep up with it. So then she stops doing it because it is so hard. Then all the behavior returns and is so far beyond where it used to be. My friend doesn`t want to take responsibility for it.